Recent events have shown, once again, that the news outlets’ rabid compulsion to scoop each other produces results about as useful as the proverbial million monkeys with typewriters. Here is a guide for all us mere mortals. Got any more?
“An anonymous source…”
Some kid on the internet made this up
“A person close to the investigation, speaking on condition of anonymity…”
The guys at the sports desk made this up
“We have reports of…”
Those bastards over at the Post made this up
“We can confirm…”
Those bastards at the AP picked this up from the Post
“There is a person of interest”
I saw a cop talking to a non-cop. Interesting.
“The police have a suspect”
Someone did this, possibly sasquatch
“The suspect has been identified”
There’s a crappy picture of what has been confirmed as an upright primate
“A suspect is in custody”
The hominid in the crappy picture might be doing something suspicious
“Can you describe the scene immediately after the attack?”
Point the camera at this person while I fix my hair