Loving - and losing - is hard. That never changes. 
She’s looking forward to a far better life because of the start you gave her. 
(I initially typed those out in reverse order. But I think this is better. Anyway: you’re a good egg, and your beloved Jewel will have a long, healthy, happy life, in no small part because of you. That counts for something, right?)
I’m glad that you’ve gotten back into riding. Is there a certain horse you’ve been riding or different ones?
Right now, I’d be heartbroken too if I were in your shoes. But I hope that once some time passes, the sadness fades and the main feeling will be happiness that you got to meet such a wonderful horse at all even though it didn’t last as long as you hoped. I suspect that even though it’s going to be hard to say goodbye, you’re better off because you met her - just like we know she’s better off because of you too.
The 2 school horses I ride most often are Rose, a chestnut overo Paint mare and Tonka, a big 16 hand tank of a chestnut Quarter Horse gelding who has the most comfortable jog I have ever ridden. Usually Tonka. My instructor has offered to let me ride her personal horse Gypsy, but honestly… I am not ready for Gypsy.
I don’t know where I will go from here. I can’t imagine giving up horses again, but at the same time, going back in that barn and knowing Jewel isn’t going to come when I whistle… unbelievably painful. I know I am not going this week, a friend asked me to groom his new rescue dog, and it is a good excuse to make myself scarce. I guess it will be one day at a time.
I’m sorry, PapSett.
I’ve given up quite a few foster dogs and almost always got attached, even though I knew I shouldn’t.
For me, visiting them after they were adopted always helped. Even the ones who were extremely attached to me found love and happiness in their new homes. It’s nice to see them later and have them remember me and it’s really nice to see them later in their new homes and see that they’re okay- they’re safe and happy and they’re loved and comfortable. And that, in fact, someone else can love and understand my dog the way I did. I do certainly get jealous, sometimes. There are a few I wish I could have kept.
It does sting. But it gets better and I think it might help to go see her after she has time to settle in. You might be surprised by how okay she is. The thing I find is that it’s my job to teach the fosters to love and be loved, to behave themselves and be good pets, and so forth. And because, when I was around, they never loved anyone like they loved me, I worry about their transition to their new home. But, because I taught them to be loved and how to trust people, they can become part of their new family with no problem.
Anyway, good luck. I hope you can heal enough to go see her in her new home sometime. I think that would help.
Oh, so you’re riding western? That’s cool. I learned to ride western originally but the area where I live now, all the barns seems to focus on the English style. Quarter horses are good horses IMO. Most of them seem to have good personalities.
I think it’s true that going back to the barn will be painful at first, but if you keep going back, the pain will eventually be replaced by happier memories. Don’t let this stop you from continuing to love horses. There is going to be another wonderful horse that needs you and will bring you joy.
Earlier tonight I was looking at the profiles of the beautiful horses on this horse rescue website thinking how much I would love to be able to adopt one of their horses even just as a pasture pet. I’d really like to own a horse, but there is no practical way for me to afford one for at least a couple years. At least by figuring out an arrangement with this friend who has land, you’re closer to being able to own a horse than I am. I hope it’s some consolation to think about that.
Oh. My. God. That poor little mini!!!
Yeah, I prefer western. I have ridden about every style you can think of- hunter, saddleseat, dressage and western, but it’s western I always came back to.
I looked thru the horses in the rescue link… That poor little mini mare. We had a mini donkey jack with hooves like that for a while, they names him Keebler because of the curled hooves. He was a really sweet little guy. I really like the Paint mare free to a good home… pretty girl!
I doubt that I will ever consider getting another horse, honestly. I had NO intention of becoming a horse owner again. It was just… Jewel.
I don’t think there is anything on earth that could make me stop loving horses. They have been in my blood since I was a baby. I have been thrown, bitten, kicked, stepped on, run away with and pinned against a wall. Had bones broken and been scared shitless.
And still I keep coming back for more.
I just don’t know where to go from here. There are so few rescue horses left at the barn now. I don’t want to just go clean stalls for the boarded horses; I liked feeling like I was making a differenc, in seeing Jewel’s progress. It was like nothing I had ever done before. Seeing the love & trust in her eyes made me feel… well, special. Like I mattered. Now… now I’m just someone to muck stalls.
Since you’re comfortable around horses who have trust issues, have you considered studying message or some sort of therapy that would allow you to work with a lot of different horses?
I know you’re western, but I know people who hire out to braid horse’s mains/tails. It takes a patient person with good skills at keeping the horse comfortable also.
Good luck no matter how you choose to move forward.
Is there no way to get a paying job breaking horses in? Or at least get paid to muck stalls? Are there specific accreditations or something that you don’t have?
It really sounds like this Hoof and a Prayer place is simply getting out of the charity business. You probably should just stop volunteering at it - there’s more than one rescue shelter around I’m sure if you want to keep doing that.
PapSett - Have you thought about volunteering at a therapeutic riding center? There’s one east of Evansville. Stir-N-Up Hope. Good Lord, how tdo these people come up with these names?
No time or money to learn equine massage. The only other horse rescue in my locality has a REALLY bad reputation and I don’t want to be associated with them.
I haven’t braided a mane & tail in mumblemumble36mumblemumble years or so. Could braid a pretty good mane back in the day but never was any good with tails. 
And the therapeutic riding center? I am comfortable with horses. Kids? Not so much.
Thank you all for the suggestions. Still feeling pretty lost and numb, and it does help to know y’all are thinking about me.
PapSett - Therapeutic riding also helps adults. Courtney King Dye was a former US Olympian in dressage. Two years ago she was schooling a horse and he tripped. She hit her (unhelmeted) head and suffered a traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for a week. Within two months she was back up, this time riding a therapeutic horse. Now her goal is to hopefully make the paralympic team. the Stir-n-Up Hope website says they help adults. If nothing else, you might be able to groom and tack up.
StG
I think St Germain is on to something here with this idea of helping Stir-N-Up Hope.
In addition to the possibility of helping to groom and tack their horses, their how you can help page mentions “To keep our horses trained and ready for classes, we need people to help exercise and work with our horses on days they are not being used for therapy sessions. Horse Exercisers need to have plenty of riding experience and be confident enough to catch and ride different horses.” That sounds perfect for you. 
You could probably also be the one leading the horse in the arena. For that job they would probably prefer for you to not focus too much on the kid since you have to pay attention to where you’re leading.