A Jounal of My Breakup because I operate best when thinking outloud.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

If my intuition is right then I may even feel sorry for her
and her inability to love and commit.

What I mean is this:

  1. She once said that she had a nervous breakdown over an affair.
  2. And there is also her costly divorce that no doubt left her bitter.
    She had to pay out to him half her net worth.
  3. She said my melancholy was reminding her of her eX who is bi-polar.
    Something a lot worse than my issues!
  4. she even went as far as to transferred to a far away school to be
    with a college lover, and then ended up going back to her Alma Mater
    after the affair ended in one year.
    (not sure if it’s the same affair as 1) above.
  5. a trip to Europe for a whole summer that then ended in a breakup.

So to me it explains her wanting to “party” and not really settle down.

I realize now that my agreeing to a no-marriage, no-cohabitation, just
weekends and trips relationship was not what I wanted and it got to me
without my pinning it down and realizing it.

I don’t think marriage is important but a couple that is truly in love
will live together. So that’s the difference that I seek in any future GF.

42

I put it here rather than send it to her. I’m not that mean. Am I? It still hurts.
On Sun, July 25, 2010 16:11, (insert X GF name here) wrote:

> So while we have it, it’s best we love it, care for it,
> FIX IT when it’s broken and HEAL IT I when it’s sick.

> This is true for marriage…And old cars…

Dear (X GF name here),

E-mail can be so trivial. It’s the day to day real life actions
that count. (Known colloquial as: “Putting your money where your mouth is.”)

I’m shooting for true love the next time and not just a weekend
& travel buddy.

Or maybe I’ll come back in the next life as a car! LOL!

YOU, (insert X GF Namer here), should work on getting OVER your divorce and maybe all your
other past loves. I’m not your bi-polar X husband. Never was. Never will be.

I needed help, a kick in the pants, not a stab in the heart. You failed me.

True love can hurt but it can be enduring too!

                                (WOPapers)

On Sun, July 25, 2010 16:11, (insert X-GF name here) wrote:
> KEEPERS
> One day a woman’s husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the
warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that
sometimes there isn’t “anymore”.
> No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone
calls just to chat, no more “just one minute.”
> Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away,
never
> to return before we can say good-bye, say “I love you.”
> So while we have it, it’s best we love it, care for it, fix it when it’s
broken and heal it when it’s sick.
> This is true for marriage…And old cars… And children with bad report
cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep
them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
> Some things we keep – like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law
after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.
> Life is important, like people we know who are special… And so, we keep
them
> close!
> I received this from someone who thought I was a ‘keeper’! Then I sent it
to
> the people I think of in the same way… Now it’s your turn to send this to
all those people who are “keepers” in your life, including the person who
sent it, if you feel that way. Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all
> your friends know you love them?
> Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they
don’t love you back. And just in case I’m gone tomorrow:
> I LOVE YA!!!
> Live today because tomorrow is not promised.

43

Heh. It always catches me off guard, which kinds of threads get everyone all a flutter.

44

Sometimes it’s three steps forward and two back.

Sometime it’s TWO steps forward and THREE back.

But you can still call it progress.

I made a remark to my shrink about how if I could be a father today I would
tell my kids to get out there and love and lose because it’s character building.

You discover yourself so that you are more capable of discovering the right
(or a closer approcimation of the right) person the next time.

45

It sounds like you are taking therapy seriously and getting a lot out of it. Just wanted to say: good for you.

46

Thanks. I kinda needed the encouragement right now. The shrink isn’t 24/7.

Yes. I started therapy when I lost 100 lbs, wanted to get out & start dating, etc

I’m logging in to add that I promised a mutual friend and my shrink that
I would have an X-GF-Free weekend — no looking online at facebook and the local
Meetup to see what she’s up to. I tried.

So while hiking a fellow hiker suggested I try online dating at PlentyOFish.

I fill out the profile and afterwards punched in “older woman.” Bad move…
there she was doing online dating. No surprise. But she says it right there.

It confirms everything I’ve said. She’s over me in a flash AND she is
most actively seeking a new partner to go traveling with, as soon as
the retirement is under way at the end of the school year.

She says : “looking forward to traveling with a partner. I would like to meet
someone who also has the ability to travel.”

So it’s two forward and three steps back at the end of this weekend because I have
confirmation that my hesitating on more traveling, because I need to
downsize my living arrangements and sell my house, was that last straw for
her.

47

Still struggling. XMas is covered. I’ll be visiting a friend on the other side of the state.

New Year’s will be a hurdle. I’ll be with card playing friends.
She’s not coming but probably doing the same thing privately.
It will be the first time in 4 years that I don’t get to wish “that one special person”
a “Happy New Year.”

Remains to be seen who among my “friends” will support me.

48

Haiku to a breakup:
Please leave me alone.
Just worry about yourself,
not me. I am fine.

49

Her girlfriend tells me it’s not any of the reasons I’ve stated.
She says it’s because I annoyed my-X that she broke up with me.

She did say to me that I didn’t make her laugh anymore.
That I was too depressing and not the fun I was when
we first met. She really doesn’t understand deep
relationships - through thick or thin.

She would say outside of her marriage,
the longest relationship, so far, was ours.
I really believe the LTR she had in marriage was a ‘put up’
to appease the family to have a family and not love.

She’s incapable of true love in my eyes.
I can only help myself, not her.

50

Mate lighten up, you are over analyzing everything. Life is a bunch of stuff that happens, get used to it.

51

Haiku #2
The mind moves forward
but the heart lingers too long
The world keeps spinning.

52

My counselor asked me if I would get back together with my-X.
I said it would take a whole lot of talking and communicating about
how I’ve changed and wouldn’t go back to the way it was.
That I seek something more and different.
My X would have to commit to growing (UP!) and
want a real loving relationship.

and then I said:
BUT IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!

My counselor said that I’m making progress. Happy Holidaze Everyone!

53

It continues to hurt. I get so angry.

We were stuck, stalled, going backwards, whatever. It wasn’t a healthy relationship anymore. And she proved to not be for me because she didn’t want to work with me
and form a closer relationship. — that’s the brain talking …

But the heart says:

I’m so angry at her for failing me.

I’m angry at myself for not doing what I promised to do.
I’m angry at myself for not talking about my mental blocks to getting it done.
I’m angry at myself for becoming care-less. I could care less!

If I could forgive her
If I could forgive myself

                              then maybe I can move on.

And then I can get to that place that I seek - a relationship based on truth and understanding. A relationship that reaches for true love.

I close out 2010 in sorrow and unable to reminisce about the fun filled
four years. But I look forward to 2011 and beyond.

2011 sounds like a ‘singular’ year. It will probably be one of being single and celibate but it will the transition year to a better future someday with someone.

Happy New Year everyone!

54

Life is getting better.

Getting out doing things and also dating a nice lady that knows my history
and has more similarities to me, including seeing a professional counselor.

I’ve been promised a ‘hot date’ in 3 months if we continue to get to know
and like each other. SIGH!
—wopapers
P.S. And she’s NINE years YOUNGER! LOL!

55

Coffee Date (I wore my trout fish tie.),
Bowling & Lunch (and serious history),
Jazz Club with handholding and “pawing”,
Jazzersize then necking,
Hiking and talking,
phone calls every night with both trivia and serious talk.

This is the best “dating-someone” I’ve ever had!

56

More of the same (see above)
and now
we have exchanged
home addresses.

Another stepping stone
to something real and lasting.

57

Zero to the Speed of Light in no time flat.

My new girlfriend and I are now in a
committed relationship.

We look forward to becoming closer
friends and help-mates.