A letter to my step-mom, leaving me feeling like crap

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

My grandmother was the same way for 5 years after my grandfather died. She’d write these letters to family members telling us how crappy we all are, etc. Those letters got ignored, thrown in the garbage and laughed about.

Finally, we bought my granny a year membership to a yoga clinic - she goes every day. My sister and I send her every book we read and encouraged her to write an autobiography, so she has plenty to do - in fact, she’s now busier than we are. The letters have stopped and she barely has time to call us.

Anyway, to me, your stepmother sounds really bored (and maybe depressed) and is taking it out on you. If she has time to write letters complaining about you, she obviously needs things to keep her occupied. Get her involoved in something so she doesn’t have time to find something stupid to bitch about.

Something’s nagging me, though: Don’t people confront each other face to face anymore? What’s with letter writing?

22

Hey,

I’m really sorry you’ve ended up dealing with your step mom’s crap. Cuz it really is entirely her own problem. You are who you are, and she’s not dealing well with that. Or isn’t happy with any of a number of other things, and you got to be the target. Either way, it’s absolutely no fun to be on the recieving end.

You’re really doing a good job of taking the high road, or the sane road, or whatever you want to call it. And if you can’t confront her, that’s okay too. You don’t have to force that sort of thing. It’s entirely possible that she’d be just as happy if you ignored the letter.

Hope things even out again for you, and that you can put some time/space between you and your step-mom.

23

Oh - and letter writing is big because it’s easier - you don’t have to see the other person who you’re talking to, you don’t have to deal with any objections or counter arguements, and you get to finish feeling that you are firmly on the high ground.

24

its not pointless, TC, thats why its affecting you.

25

Maybe my wife will find this one, she’d be better at it than I am. I grew up with two great parents. Other kids liked my parents better than I did growning up. Cause they didn’t have to live with them I guess. :slight_smile: Now, we all get along, but I’ve never had any problems talking back to my parents, yelling that they are being stupid/whatnot, it’s just the way we all “grew up”.

That said, don’t feel bad that you have to write stuff like this. You are a different person than she thinks you should be. I know it sounds trite, but she can’t tell you how your life should go. It is saddening that she can’t see that, but there are tons of people out there who never got past being 14, even tho they are in their 50’s,60’s or when ever.

Here’s a few hugs from me, if ya don’t mind.

26

TC, you mean you pay attention to that bitch?

Okay, everybody. Here’s a quick lesson in how to get along with anybody:

  1. Pick a topic you like to think about without any involuntary physical indications. Guys may want to avoid the topic of sex for this reason.

  2. Listen to the other person long enough to pick up the tenor of the conversation.

  3. Adopt an appropriate facial expression: a slight smile if the topic is light-hearted, furrow your brows slightly in concern if it is not. Keep your expressions subtle so they can be changed easily or even misinterpretted accurately. People think you are as interested in what they are saying as they are, so they will usually interpret your expressions as interest.

  4. Turn off your ears, except for changes in tone that will tell you when to react.

  5. Start thinking about your topic. It’s okay if your eyes glaze over–they’ll never notice–BUT BE CAREFUL OF YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSION!

  6. Adapt your expression according to changes in your partner’s tone.

  7. Nod or shake your head occasionally, as required.

  8. Remember these important phrases: “That’s great,” “That’s awful,” and “That’s true.” If it sounds like a lecture feel free to say “That’s true” even if you have no intentions of changing. It’s just conversational filler.

  9. NEVER volunteer your opinion, especially since, at this point, you have no idea what they’re talking about. Agreement with ANYTHING will finish the conversation quicker.

  10. If they are talking about somebody with a litany of problems, and it’s not you, there is a good chance it is a person from a soap opera. I’ve been caught by this one a couple times. Act like you care, but not TOO much. They’ll figure out you’re faking.

  11. Finish apparent lectures with “I can see your point.” You can add “I’ll try to change,” but if you have a history of not cooperating that might tip them off.

27

Hi techchick,

Don’t know a thing about you, really, so all I’m going on is what’s written here. Been thinkin’ about the dialog in this thread a bit. I noticed a few things I’d like to share.

What stunned me at first is how that seems to imply you are lonely and unloved by anyone except your father, and that if you don’t play according to step-mom’s rules, you will stay that way.

Clearly you have friends and relatives around you, so the sentence seems absurd to me.

It sounds like her motive for writing that sentence is to let you know that she’s feeling rejected by you (hence the whole Father’s Day thing). I don’t see why she’d even need to bring up the subject otherwise. It’s interesting how, instead of trying to reach out to you, and explore why she feels isolated from you, she accuses YOU of being isolated from everyone else, instead of owning up to her own feelings. Or maybe she does that later in her letter, I don’t know. But that one sentence really sounds strongly like projection to me.

I notice from several of your other comments in this thread that it’s not the first time step-mom has made some kinda comments about you being socially isolated (the “social butterfly” and “girly” comments from you, for instance, seem to speak to previous judgements on your step-mom’s part). It also seems to me that that really presses a button for you (and maybe for good reason - not trying to judge you, just observing). Speaking personally, that can make it pretty impossible to hear the underlying message. It takes a lot of effort and emotional balance to keep from being drawn in.

Putting two and two together:

People often project their own percieved situations onto others. In this case, it seems to me that step-mom might actually be the one who’s lonely and isolated. From your side, it might be hard to hear her, 'cause she’s extremely abrasive and defensive about it, and obviously she knows how to go poking in the pile.

People also treat themselves internally the same way they treat others externally. (This can often be a very useful tool for determining someone’s inner turmoil). In this case I’d say that step-mom probably judges herself pretty harshly on some level. Judgemental people usually don’t like themselves very much. Plus being judgemental limits how intimate you can be with those around you and tends to isolate one.

I’m not suggesting you should let your step-mom manipulate you emotionally, and you need to stand your ground about how you want to live your life. But if you can get more clarity on what’s going on internally for her, perhaps you can find a way to address it…

Hope this helps. If I’m way off base, just ignore what I said and accept this instead:

{{{{{techchick}}}}}

28

{{{{{techchick}}}}}

Just like most folks that have responded, I’ve got a bit of advice. Only mine’s a bit tougher.

I’ll get to the punch-line right up front and say that “your relationship with your step-mom is the way it is because you let it be that way.”

This isn’t to say that any of it’s your fault, just that you didn’t deal with your step-mom’s attitude at an early stage. Now it’s a way of life.

My advice is to confront her sternly, but in a civil fashion. Let her know that her attitudes and comments will not be tolerated. Then the next time she steps over the line tell her right then that she’s out of line. Or just walk away. Don’t listen, don’t give her a chance to explain, and certainly don’t give her a chance to repeat it. Then when YOU decide to be in charge of the conversation let her know exactly why you walked away from her in mid sentence.

She may not have a personality that will let you control even your end of the conversation. But until you try, I feel that you are doomed to the receiving end of whatever she feels like dishing out.
Good Luck…

29

…but I thought I should let all of you know.

When I wrote that letter, instead of getting out of line with her, I sat back and thought “how would some of the people on the SD respond to something like this?” Seriously.

Being over here has made me think more clearly – even if I get my panties in a wad in The Pit.

Thanks you most of you, I am more able to write clearer and able to express my feelings in a more appropriate way.

Thank you to all that support me in this thread. It means a lot!

30

Techchick, may I suggest something that is equally as hateful as your step-mom said.

TC’s Stepmom said, “…If the only things you decide to show up for are your birthday, your dads and fathers day, you may find yourself pretty lonely after your dad dies…”

Dear Step all over me Mom,

I put off calling the police when you married my father because his happiness is more important than mine. I had a carefully crafted plan to have you put away. See, I being the computer techie that I am had hacked into the FBI’s website and managed to find the most wanted database. I was just a few clicks away of adding you into it but I decided my father’s happiness was more important than my own at that time.

If only you hadn’t been verbally and emotionally abusive after you moved in. Your above letter which I enclosed the most hateful quote really shows how you feel towards me and through me my father since I am really an extension of him albeit still my own person. I am sure I make him really happy when I see and talk to him. The last time you weren’t home and I came over (you see I come over quite often, I just avoid you, HAGatha) he talked about how he wished he never married you but is too lazy to get divorced since he has been hoping you would die soon so we can both cash in on our insurance policies that we both have on you. Unfortunately he bought his before he had enough money to make it not dependant upon marriage.

The other day I was talking to the (insert appropriate clergyperson for your religion) and he said basically that the afterlife is made of all the emotions you conjured up in the real life. I see the hate in your letter and know that your afterlife will be quite hot. Speaking of H E double hockeysticks, I sold my soul to the devil to have you die a horrible painful death. I look forward to the time when you get brain and lung cancer and it hurts you just to exist. The only bad thing was the devil wouldn’t take my soul since he said you were already dying the slow painful death with cancer and depression to boot. Oh, did I mention that you have genital warts? Yep, that is what those strange bumps are. Those came from the devil too.

Well, luckily your time is numbered. I was told you would linger for about another year or so and then dad and I will be rich again. Even though I love my step brother, for some odd reason, we are making no plans for him since he has been having so many problems with the police. The next time he gets caught he will be going to jail for a long time then the government will take care of him and we won’t have to. He really is a sponge you know.

Love,
Techchick

PS. Your son likes to bottom for dogs I have pictures. (dog goes in son’s out hole…you get the picture.)

HUGS to Techchick!
Sqrl

PS. If you want I am sure we can doctor up some pictures of her son. :slight_smile:

31

I still recommend ignoring her. She’s only your stepmom and you don’t live with her, so she has very little real power over you. The only things she can do to you is turn your father against you, which isn’t going to happen if he’s worth a shit, and make you feel guilty. Why the hell would you want to have anything to do with her after your dad dies, anyway? She is irrelevent to you so ignore her, gracefully.

My method for “getting along” is very effective. I use it with my in-laws all the time. I have no recollection of any conversation I have ever had with my mother-in-law, and I live a mile from her and have known her for a quarter century. My wife quotes terrible things her mom has said to me and I don’t remember them at all. Even when I notice these things I write them off as the ravings of an old lady and instantly forget about them.

The only downside is that I have developed a reputation of being a little flakey. “But I told Mike!” they say when we miss a family function. How bad is that? I had a pleasant conversation, as well as I can remember, and we miss being with these people! Perfect!

Your stepmom says horrid things, but she is probably not aware how bad they really sound. Smile, nod, and ignore her. Your stomach will thank you.

32

Thanks again to all that posted to this thread with your support.

I had a particulary rough night last night and I realize some may think I do this so I can get attention. But the reality was that I couldn’t discuss this with my big brother, who is my sound off board when things like this come up in my family.

If I offend anyone by bringing up a particular problem or lead you to think that my life is pathetic because I bring this up in a message board, please let me know and we can discuss this further.

33

Techchick!!
How could you say such a self-deprecating thing? I hope no one said anything to make you think that anyone could be offended by you bringing up such a problem.

I’m a total newbie, but I from what I’ve read I really think you’re great…which is why it’s so awful to hear you say such a thing! It also makes me think that part of the difficulties of the situation include your feeling on some sub-conscious level that your opinion/feelings/person doesn’t matter, which makes you feel so awful and guilty about writing to your stepmother. I don’t mean to blame you, and I’m sure you’re very entitled and self-confident in other realms of life, but it’s easy to succumb to fears and doubt when pettiness rears its head somewhere you should be free to be trusting and not worried about protecting yourself from being vulnerable - in this case, your family.

Your stepmother sounds like she’s subscribed to alot of rather oppressive ideas of how women should behave, with your references to sitting in the kitchen, gossiping, doing ‘girly’ things. These behaviours get perpetuated because we’re rewarded for playing nice-nice and participating, and socialized to care when people don’t like us as a punishment for not caring. Totally miserable existence, IMHO, but your stepmother didn’t ask me. :slight_smile: Guys get a different socialization - albeit with their own downsides - so that’s prolly why the majority of the people saying, “Ignore it!” are guys.

It’s worthy advice, though. Your stepmother will likely not get over this any time soon; she’s formed a habit. She thinks you’re powerless in this game; that’s why she feels free to give such nasty jabs (that was really unacceptable to use your father’s death as an anchor for manipulation. Really unacceptable.) Learning to not care would take away that power from her, and maybe do her the additional favor of teaching her more constructive ways of interacting. Painful though it might be, you probably need to figure out why you care about her judging you by her miserable lights in order to effectively not care. The other alternative would be to side-step the whole passive aggressive thing that goes with the pressure she’s putting on you, and just be bluntly and consistently honest about how you feel, what you want to do, etc. Maybe start invite them and your big brother over for the kind of socializing YOU enjoy. This, too, might help her figure out more loving ways of interacting…(I tend to think participating in that kind of judgemental thinking is its own prison, from which everyone should be freed.)

Anyway…my humble opinions. I hope I haven’t been offensive in anyway; it’s a little strange to give advice when others here know you so much better, but I really feel for your situation. rib-squeezing hugs

34

TechChick, I have to agree with dropzone…the best way to handle her is to ignore the parts of your stepmother that upset you.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say your stepmother is my mother-in-law, who has nagged and criticized and needled my wife from the time she was a little girl until now, and there’s no sign of stopping. She claims she’s only looking out for my wife’s best interests, and she wouldn’t be critical if she didn’t care, and how could we even THINK of accusing her of being insensitive? She’s gone as far as saying it’s because she’s HYPERSENSITIVE that she can make incredibly callous and hurtful comments.

How does my wife deal with it? Well, we moved 400 miles away, for starters. Close enough to be able to drive there for weekend visits if we want to, but far enough away that we don’t have to deal with her unless we want, as well. Then, my wife gradually started to tune out a lot of what her mom had to say, about nearly everything. She regrets that she doesn’t have the kind of relationship with her mother that she has with MY mother, but she decided that it’s her mom who is the worse for it.

I know it must be difficult, considering she’s your father’s wife, and for his sake, I can understand why you don’t want to rock the family boat too much. OTOH, don’t allow the hurtful things she says to bother you. Remind yourself to consider the source.