I pit my jerk stepfather.

The BBQ Pit
1

I love my mom, I really do…

But she married a jerk.

I’m so pissed off and disappointed and even hurt right now and you know, I really should start expecting these things. I mean, it’s not like it doesn’t happen every fucking time.
So I live alone, right? I’ve always been close to my mom and I call her at least 3 days a week. She’s the only family I have out there other than an uncle (one of her brothers) and his kids (my cousins). However I don’t SEE her that often since, first off, she lives about 3 towns away and second, my stepfather can’t stand me. I’d have to say the last time I was over her house was last Christmas. See, I’m allowed to visit her for the day as much as I want. But sleeping over? Fuggetabboutit!

My SF won’t condone it. He’s always had a distain for me simply because I don’t match up to HIS preferences. Because I don’t live life HIS way.

I have long hair. I like long hair. I keep my long hair clean and nicely shampooed. My long hair smells good at all times.

SF cannot abide with long hair. He is a former military person and keeps his hair cut short (along with my little half-brother’s hair; his son, who lives with them). So because I have longer hair, he can’t stand that. I can’t tell you how many times he gives me looks of disgust for keeping and having long hair.
Second…my goatee. Sometimes I won’t shave for a bit and let my beard and mustache grow out. However SF’s opinion is that a male should always be clean shaven…at all times. He can’t abide having someone else under and staying in his and my mom’s house who goes against this or thinks otherwise. I’m serious.
And there’s other, little things too. Like the way I dress. Look, you bastard, just because I don’t wear button down shirts with collars and prefer T-shirts doesn’t mean you have to treat me like shit like you have for the past 14 years.

But you know, all of this is BESIDE the point. All of this is merely background info leading up to the pitting.

See, I’m fine with it. I believe that that’s just his preference and, well, we just clash. I’m fine with not seeing my mom at months at a time, as long as I keep in phone contact. It’s not a big deal to visit her at her house and/or spend the night. And I DO respect his own personal opinion about short hair, clean shave, etc…I just don’t abide by it myself.
However…

You jerkish, asshole, son of a bitch, shithead… WHY IS IT…that EVERY FUCKING holiday that is supposed to be spent with family, do you RESTRICT me from coming over?

I’m serious. It’s a constant FIGHT every fucking Thanksgiving and Christmas to be able to come over and spend it with my mom and brother and uncle and cousins that are all invited.

I can understand that you HATE me so much you can’t put up with me all other 363 days out of the year, but are you such a grinch you can’t let me spend the holidays with my own family?
See, I’m on disability. I don’t get an awful lot. I can live contently, sure…but if I don’t go over my mom’s on Thanksgiving and Christmas, then I spend it alone. And forget about all the dinners and presents and stuff. I don’t have near enough to be able to make myself any of that stuff, nor would I buy it all just for one person.
And no, I don’t expect any sympathy or “I’m sorry’s” I’m sure I’m not the only one like that. I’m sure that there are people that have it much worse than I do. But damn if it doesn’t still make me pissed and hurt.

And really, WHY should it hurt? THIS happens EVERY. FUCKING. YEAR. Every year it’s a fight with my mom and my SF to let me come over and spend the night 2 days out of the year (Thansigiving and Christmas)…and yes, I have to spend the night. I don’t drive so the only way I get there is by bus…and on major holidays the buses stop running early (by early, I mean about 5-6pm). So it’s either get invited to the Thankgiving dinner that ALL OF my family is invited to (cept me) and the Christmas party they throw every year (that I’m never asked to come to) and have to spend the nights those night…or have him drive me home the same day.

Gee, isn’t that nice?
Really makes a guy feel wanted.

And my mom isn’t any better. She KNOWS it’s not right and she argues against him most the time about it. But does she try very hard? Normally she caves in and just goes with what he says. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve not been able to do something with them or go over there because SF says no.

Now…the last 3 Thanksgivings and Christmas’ I have been able to go over there and spend with them thankfully. But that’s not my point. It’s ALWAYS a hassle. It’s always a fight to try to get it “approved” and “allowed”. It always takes my mom lots of BEGGING and arguing to get me so that I’m invited.

Just today I mentioned it for the first time, being as how Thansgiving also happens to be MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY, and she asked him in the background. While I didn’t hear it, I knew what it was from my mom’s next comment. “But [SF], it’s Thanksgiving.”
For fuck’s sakes…I EVEN TOLD MY MOM I’D SHAVE THAT DAY AND DRESS UP. I’m even TRYING to fucking comprimise who I am and what I like just to be able to fucking go to my own fucking families get together, and even hearing mom SAY this to the fucktard, she still told me he wasn’t for it.
God, I just don’t know what to do. And it never stops hurting either, even though I KNOW damn right well it’s going to happen every year. It’s never a surprise, but it always cuts, you know?

I have no doubt I’ll PROBABLY, EVENTUALLY get to go to this years Thanksgiving…but only after knowing it was very hesitently.

Yeah mom, Keep the 40 dollars you were going to send me Tues for my birthday. I’d rather have a present of being able to be ACCEPTED in your house on Thanksgiving.

2

While I don’t want to seem unsympathetic, are you sure that it’s only your hair and beard that make SF not want you in the house?

There’s no drug busts, or stolen property, or physical assults or anything that you’re leaving out?

'Cus not wanting you in the house because you have long hair, and your mom not sticking up for you, and one of your siblings not coming and picking you up and bringing you to and from the house seems really wack.

:frowning:

3

That fuckin’ sucks, Idle. Big time.

Happy Birthday, though.

4

Damn, Idle, that’s harsh.

Look, I don’t know if you’re going to change your mom’s mind. I don’t know if you can talk to your SF about how hateful he is. All you can really do is change how you react to the situation. Are there other places you could spend the holidays? Friends, co-workers, etc? It’s horrible when your own family doesn’t want you, but is the hassle every year worth the grief, knowing you’re going to have to do it again next year?

One of these days, you’re going to have to just not go. Stop calling your mom. Until she starts standing up for you I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere.

This is a sucky situation, and I wish I had an easy fix.

5

Damn. I really, really wish I had some brainstorm that could come up with a fix for you as well. Like reachin up the butt of the high horse he’s on and yanking that stick out of its ass. What a shitty situation.

Happy Birthday also.

P.S. I’ve always envied your username!

6

I can definitely empathize with you. We have issues with Airman’s stepfather. He’s a loudmouthed, argumentative jerk. When I stop an argument by just not responding, he thinks he’s won. And that’s fine.

Might your SF be a military veteran? This might explain the desire for a clean-cut image.

Robin

7

I used to have a somewhat different situation. My real father has this ridiculous anger management problem, and basically no one likes to argue with him but me. Mainly because when I was about 22 or so I decided that he acts like a child and father or not if he’s going to act childish I’m going to sure as hell give him a piece of my mind.

I’d come over for the holidays (I was always welcome, but honestly holidays were a chore for me having to deal with my dad) and my dad would have at least 50 different things to insult me over, criticise me for etc. Inevitably I’d say something just as mean and hateful back to him and we’d end up in a shouting match, no one would talk for about 3 hours then I’d go home.

One Thanksgiving I told my mom that I love her and everyone else but until he learned to control his behavior I wasn’t coming over anymore. After the first Thanksgiving I missed my dad gave me a call and promised that things would be different, and they were, he talked a lot less (I’m guessing he knew in his mind he couldn’t behave himself so he just shut up.) Eventually we established an uneasy peace.

I was fully prepared to basically never go to Thanksgiving/Christmas with my family again. If my mom chose my dad over me, then that’d be fine, I just wouldn’t have much to do with either of them again. That’s kind of a hardline stance I suppose and would be hard for many people. But I have good friends I could’ve spent the holidays with, and over the years the holidays had become equated with “pain in the ass” to me so I really didn’t feel like I was going to be missing out.

8

My sympathies, Idle Thoughts. If it’s the staying overnight that’s the problem, would your uncle be willing to bring you home with him and put you up for the night?

9

One of these days, I will learn to read for comprehension.

Airman’s stepfather is retired from the Coast Guard and works for the post office. Much of his personality stems from the fact that he has absolutely no power, so he tries to lord it over the people he thinks he can bully.

Robin

10

Yeah, I’m sure. Those are the only things. He’s even said as much. Hell, he can never stop from making some snide comment or remark about one of them.

I don’t do drugs, never stolen anything, and I would never raise a hand to anyone, let alone someone in my family.

11

If that’s all, then I would also Pit your mother for allowing her husband to treat her child like that.

You need to have it out with her. That is inexcusable.

12

Well, I do have my neighbor who knows about my situation and has invited me, who I’m gracious for if this family thing doesn’t fall through; he lives alone also, but is going to spend Thanksgiving with his family and invited me to come over on the day after.

So if it doesn’t pan out, then I’m going to spend Thanksgiving Day alone, sure, but I’ll still be able to go over his house the next day and spend time there, partake of some foodstuffs, etc.

It’s not really the meal I care about, it’s just the main point of being with family and stuff, you know?

I guess you’re right in a way. But it’d be really hard to just stop talking to her.

Thanks, VegemiteMoose…your name isn’t that shabby itself.
MsRobyn, yeah, that’s what he is. He was in Vietnam. He runs the whole household pretty strictly actually.
ENugent, I never really thought about that…but I don’t know if it would work. He doesn’t live anywhere near me and comes up from Cave Creek, which is a bit far from where I am.

13

Well, I didn’t mean for you to go into hiding. More that you have a frank discussion about the situation, and that if she isn’t more willing to stand up for her own son, then you’ll be making plans to go elsewhere where you’re more welcome.

I think you should go over to your neighbor’s this year. Let your folks be the backup plan. Another thought…any way you could host the holidays at your house?

14

You say you’re on disability? Is it for a physical thing, or a mental thing? Could he have deep seated fears/aggression against the mentally ill, that he’ll never admit? He might not even be aware of it himself. Some people don’t believe in mental illness, and think it’s a “weakness”. They think the person didn’t get disciplined enough as a child etc. If that’s the case, maybe your “untidy” appearance exacerbates his deep seated, hidden (not even self confessed) prejudices?

15

That’s really terrible, Idle. I’m sorry you have to live with a situation like that. Take it from somebody with no family, sometimes no family is better for your mental health than an abusive one. Well, it’s always better, but you know what I mean. If he isn’t going to change his behavior and your mother is never going to stand up to him and defend her son’s right to be part of the family, I guess your only alternative is to make a decision about your future. If you weren’t so far away, we’d invite you to our house for a bad-vibes-free holiday. You deserve it.

16

Warning !! Total projection post!!

I too, once had long hair. Long enough to get caught in the sunroof of my old car when I closed it. I grew it for a very personal reason and kept it for several years. I never had anyone give me grief over it. I now have the opposite. I shave my head (semi) regularly with hair trimmers. Not for style originally, mainly cause I’m a lazy, lazy man. Now I’m used to it. Also, little or no shampoo needed. And haircuts are waaaay too expensive(IMHO).

So, long hair=no for haircuts (I'm guessing here, it was true for me) Really short hair=no for haircuts (except the intial layout for trimmers, but they’re relatively cheap)*

Sorry, I realize this has almost nothing to do with the intent of your OP, it just got me thinking.

I am not suggesting you cut your hair to “please the old man”. Just some random ramblings of a former long hair owner.

*(does your disability coverage pay for one time expenses for certain ‘necessities’? If your disability, whether physical or mental would be condusive to self barbering of course and if this sounds at all attractive to you! You don’t know the power of the Short Side)

And on preview: Good one ENugent for a practical suggestion! And I had very similar thoughts Zabali_Clawbane.

17

Adding, if it’s for a physical thing, maybe he’s still prejudiced against you for it? If physical is it an “invisible” disability like arthritis, or very visible? Even so, he may feel he could get “contaminated” if he’s particularily irrational about such things. Some people shun those who are disabled. There are those who think only visible disabilities are “legitimate” ones, and others who fear getting “infected” with mental illness, and in some cases fear they’ll somehow lose the ability to walk or function by being around a physically disabled person. It’s not rational, but it does happen. Especially for a big, hearty, physically oriented military type person who believes in “no sissys” as your SF seems to do.

18

sigh But if they’ll let me come over, I really, really want to go. :confused: I’d find it hard to just decline.

And another thing that just hit me… my mom is my payee (of disability), so I couldn’t just cut ties off from her entirely. I’ve tried to become my own payee before, but apparently I’m not allowed, so while I’d find it hard to not talk to her or have anything to do with her until she starts sticking up for me, I could if I tried…as long as I didn’t have to depend on her for my money.

Zabali_Clawbane, it’s for a mental thing…but I’m as harmless as a fly and he knows it. If it is how you say, though (which, for all I know, it could be), then how would I be able to do anything it?

I just don’t think that’s it though, he doesn’t seem to have a fear. Just outright disgust. I guess it would come out that way if he did have it though.
VegemiteMoose, mostly it’s just that I like longer hair, not the fact that I don’t have money to get it cut (although sometimes that IS the case, houwever). I did offer to get it cut before I came over next Thursday, but he just seems so set in his ways.
Anyway, thank you all for your comments. I wasn’t looking for that…cause, this IS the pit after all; I didn’t want a pity, cuddly, huggy sort of thing. I mean, I’m really really angry over this.

But thanks nonetheless.

19

I was bringing up the source of his disgust to try to get you to see that it’s very possible that it’s his problem, and that there truly is nothing you can do to change him, so you have to change how you react/choose to feel about it. With understanding comes better coping and all that. I’d bring this concept out to my counselor, and see if they can advise you as to how to sound him out and find out if this is probable, and then have them help you find a better way to cope with it. I do feel for you, and wish I could offer you my hospitality for the holidays.

20

Is cool man. I loved my long hair when I had it. I love my short hair now I have it. Damn, I’m just so self-loveable! You are too. (Ha-ha “R2” another Star Wars reference, I’m such a geek).

Oh right, the Pit. Um, fuckin A dude, what a Grade-A ass-wiping, monkey-butt licker of a syphilitic 18[sup]th[/sup] century French whore’s lice infested pantys.