I don’t think I could pull this off, but the best solution would probably be to suddenly start acting like your his best friend in the world. Give him a big hug when you show up, bring him a nice gift, laugh at his insults like you think he’s joking. Think how much it would piss him off, and the more angry he gets, the more he looks like a piece of shit because you’re being so nice to him! It probably won’t get him to stop, but it might frustrate him enough to rupture a blood vessel and stroke out on you.
But like I said, I doubt I’d have the patience to do it properly, and would probably just end up screaming at him.
Your family situation really sucks, Idle. Your SFs behavior is completely unacceptable. He’s got some damage going on there, I think.
Sadly, your Mom is nearly as responsible for the way your treated in her home as your SF is. She’s the one that’s chosen to accept his rules for their house and to tolerate the way he treats her son. I know it feels much safer to direct all your anger at your SF, though. Still, I think your best way forward is to accept the degree to which she is responsible. You really need to talk to her about this.
Stand up for your right to be treated respectfully. Set your standards for what kind of treatment you’re willing to accept. You’re worth it. Make these standards clear to yourself, and your mom. Make sure your mom knows if these standards aren’t met, your not going to subject yourself to the disrespect. Then follow through. Even better if you make these things clear to your SF.
Another thought – maybe your mom needs an ego boost, too. In talking with her you can remind her, as subtly as necessary, that it’s her house, too, and she has the right to assert her own rules for how her son will be treated in her own home.
This is all easy for me to say – Lord knows I’m not that successful in applying these principles in dealing with my parents, with whom I have a much easier relationship than you have with yours. But I think that’s the tough nut that it comes down to.
OP, I know we’ve clashed on the boards before, but this is terrible of your stepfather and even more terrible of your mother. She’s your mom, she should be standing up for you, not begging her husband to pretty please let you come to the house for the second biggest family holiday of the year. Your stepfather sounds like a bully.
Have you thought of inviting her to spend Thanksgiving with you?
I’m afraid I have to agree. I’m sure the man is bullying her, too, and it’s easier said than done, but your children come first, full stop.
I don’t get this “mom’s the payee of disability” thing, though. Huh? If you’re disabled why’s she getting the money? That’s no good at all. I don’t know much about that though.
Why do so many wives cave under their husband’s control? This is sad. If I were in her position, I would be kicking him out the door and having you over for any occaission.(sp?)
Can you find someone else to be the payee for your disability? If so, then you would have the freedom to walk away for a while, stop calling her, make her realize that if she wants a relationship with you, she’s going to have to push for it.
I’d also recommend talking with your counselor about how to deal with it because the situation as it stands totally sucks.
And last but not least, I’d encourage you to do what you can to create your own “family of choice,” which is something a number of people I’ve known who’ve had to completely walk away from bad family situations have had to do. Yes, blood should be thicker than water, but that’s just not always the case, and it’s not always the best thing for us. You deserve to have people around you who care about you, and ACT like they do. If your mom is so unwilling to stand up for you at all with your SF, what makes you sure she’s the best person to be the payee for your disability? She’s clearly not acting even remotely in your best interests in so many other ways.
I do that too. Well, not overly sarcastically, but most of the time when he starts on me about something I become instantly apoligetic and just nod and agree with him. I’ve learned there’s really no other way to handle him than this. zagloba, I read over all you posted and I’ve tried SOME of that a bit…and it just seems to fall on deaf ears. My mom, you see, is the same. That’s why they get along so well and the marriage has lasted. When she was married to my dad, she always had to have the best. Keep everything neat and clean, which isn’t anything bad, actually, but WAS to the extent that she’s take it. You could not make crumbs when eating anything…as in, even if you made them on a plate she’d make a remark or harp on you. Beds had to be made military style (to survive what she calls a “dime test” where if someone comes along and drops a dime on it, it would bounce), and I, of course, always had to look my best, dress up, have my hair combed and all that.
When her and my father got divorced, I lived with him, grew my hair out…started growing facial hair and all that…and she can’t stand it now either…however, the main difference is, she would allow me to come over and spend the night sometimes, especially on holidays and spend time there. It’s just my SF who is the leader, and while she does argue for my case a bit, it just doesn’t seem to be enough. davenportavenger, she would NEVER go for it. Otherwise I would. She has her own life there. She wouldn’t come for that, she’s stay home and have her own. I just got to hope that I’m a part of that.
I think maybe you and I must have had similiar backgrounds, what with being held at high standards all the time…and that we both grew up in the most opposite ways you can go. Like polar opposite extremes. Heh.
If you really wanted to find out if it’s the hair, beard, and clothes that are his problem or your disability, all you have to do is cut your hair off, shave, and show up in a nice dress shirt and tie. Then you would know once and for all that it’s not your hair, it’s YOU that he despises (and I would put my money on that). But I can save you the trouble; he’s not worth you wasting your time worrying over, and neither is your mom. To paraphrase Oprah (I believe it was), love is not an emotion; it’s an action.
I would suggest you talk to her as much as you need to to keep your benefits (and why on earth wouldn’t you get your own benefits? I would make it my life mission to get my own benefits if I were you - can’t they be direct deposited to a bank account?), and forget about having any other relationship with her. You need to develop a network of healthy relationships for companionship and support; I am sorry, but your mom does not qualify for either of those. Your stepfather sounds like a write-off.
If you have to have someone that the money is paid to who doles it out to you, can’t you get an advocate from your social security/disability office to work on getting someone else to do the job instead of your mother?
Idle Thoughts, there really is the possibility that the warmth that you want from your family may never be forthcoming. It probably has nothing to do with you. It has more to do with who your step-father is and how your mother reacts to his control.
I can’t blame you for wanting to have a pleasant time with those that you love, but it seems that even when you do get to be with them, it is so humiliating a process that it makes your life miserable.
How about starting some of your own traditions for holidays? You could go with your neighbor. Or you could ask some people over who are in the same situation that you are and ask everyone to bring a dish. Or you could find out if any organizations are sponsoring a Thanksgiving gathering for those at “loose ends.”
Meanwhile, you can still keep your relationship with your mother open and loving. I talk with my own mother once a week and see her once or twice a year for a few hours each time. If we try anything more than that, we just don’t get along.
Your step-father sounds like a self-centered bully. It’s better not to put him in a position of having any power over you. That will take all the fun out of it for him and it will give you a sense of power yourself.
Celebrate that sense of empowerment even if you are alone on Thanksgiving. Be thankful for it. Treat yourself to a good meal at a restaurant if you don’t go with your neighbor. Celebrate two days straight! Listen to some good music. Think good thoughts about yourself. Go to a movie. Make it special for you no matter what!
By the way, I’m a grandmother and I’ve always liked long hair.
For the folks who are asking why he needs a payee; for some types of mental illness, the individual is capable of living on their own and holding down a job, but incapable of handling money. They’ll wind up writing checks for incorrect amounts, impulsively spending on unnecessary items, or forgetting to pay bills. As part of the conditions of their receipt of disability, they must have a competant individual who agrees to control their money, and the government does prefer that it’s a family member with consistent ties to the individual.
PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME THAT THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH REPRESENTS MY VIEWS.
I’m going to somewhat play devil’s advocate here, and say that I don’t think it’s your appearance. Going out on a limb, I’m going to say that due to your SF’s probable age and background that it’s your disability that he hates and is disgusted by. The appearance is simply a manifestation of the disability; the line of thinking is “Idle can’t even pretend to be normal; he has to look like the freak that he is on the inside.” You are a constant reminder of something he fears and doesn’t understand, a failure who has to be assisted by mommy for the rest of his life. The fact that you become so upset and “demanding” about the holidays shows that he’s right, and he’s going to fight tooth and nail to keep you from the house so he can enjoy “normal” family time.
There’s nothing you can do about that level of prejudice, especially since your mom is both passively and actively supporting him. Screw them; start your own traditions. Hell, post in MPSIMS and see if there are any local dopers who don’t have anywhere to go for the holidays. But don’t continue to play their game.
I hear you. My MIL married two really bad guys. The second (former Navy and a total asshole bully) never got along with my husband (her son). They fought constantly.
When it got to the end, the jerk-off husband declared that either my husband went, or he went. My MIL chose her husband and turned her son out of the house. He was 15.
I have never understood it. They have a relationship now, but it’s strained (duh). She is a revisionist historian, so now Dickhead wasn’t really a jerk, her son never left home (and never drank or took drugs :rolleyes: ), etc. Amazing woman, amazing bullshit.
Sorry to hear you’re going through it. But I have one thought- this has been going on for years. It ain’t never gonna change as long as your mom is married to this guy. She made a terrible decision choosing him over you, but she did it.
Oh, and to clarify- my hubby didn’t get into the whole drink/drug things until after he hit the street. It wasn’t an excuse for his stepdad to be a prick.
Thanks, Bobkitty for explaining the ‘payee’ thing. I wondered what that meant. and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the rest of it, too. Idle Thought’s stepfather has just enough couth to know that he shouldn’t say “I hate him because he’s disabled” so he’s claiming to hate him for his hairstyle instead. Clearly he’s a complete tool. And he isn’t a tool because he’s a veteran, either – he’s a tool who happened to join the military and now is giving veterans everywhere a bad name.
Under only one circumstance can I imagine letting a man have ‘approval’ over one of my children visiting me – if my kid was dangerous. I wish I could help Idle Thoughts* with a solution, but I can’t think of anyway to fix this. Some things just aren’t fixable, I’m afraid.
Some men just don’t deserve the title ‘man’ and the stepfather in this story is one of those. He probably thinks of himself as a real he-man, but he isn’t. A real man treats the children of the woman he loves with respect, even if he can’t bring himself to treat them with affection. And some women don’t deserve the title of ‘mother.’ Judging from this story, I’d have to say that Idle Thought*'s mother is one of those. A real mother doesn’t put the whims of a man ahead of her children. IMO.
Idle thoughts, sorry you’re in such a strained situation.
You said you’ve already offered to get a haircut to compromise SF. Like others, I don’t think that’s the real problem, but getting a haircut would, at least leave your SF without his favorite ammo.
How about this compromise: can’t you put up your hair for the visit? Like in a manly sort of bun? Male rappers go to hairdressers that specialize in " black hair" and their hair gets braided in neat cornrows, giving the impression of short hair, but reversible.
My step-brother has hair down to his waist, but you can’t tell. He pulls it back into a neat ponytail and hides the hair under his shirt. Looking at him it looks like he has a regular short male hair style.
Otherwise I would. She has her own life there. She wouldn’t come for that, she’s stay home and have her own. I just got to hope that I’m a part of that.