Ivylass, I doubt that would help. VegemiteMoose, bobkitty and I all have a feeling that it’s a deep seated prejudice on the part of the step-father. This makes it the SF’s problem, and Idle Thoughts can best handle the situation by learning how not to let it eat at him. It’s not going to be easy, but you will feel much better once you refuse to let his prejudice be your problem. It’s his loss, after all. He’s missing out on your company, will never get to truly know you, and won’t ever have a good relationship with such a nice person. You can learn how to choose not to let his actions affect your mood in time. You’ll find being around him much easier too. Talk this over with your counselor so they can help you cope with this. I’d also look into seeing if one of your uncles would let you spend the night so you can still be with your family for the Holidays. Good luck.
I have a feeling that stepdad will just make some kind of racial insult.
Hahaha, I think we all have different opinions of the phrase “long hair”. Mine isn’t long enough TO put back. When it’s hanging in front of my face, it only just barely covers my eyes. In the back it goes down to about my mid neck. So really, not that long at all, just long enough to be too long for my SF.
I feel much better today. Not because anything worked out, but just because I normally don’t let it bother me all that much. I usually just feel mad/upset/hurt/etc right when it happens, which it did right before the time I started this thread yesterday (I had just gotten off the phone with Mom), but my anger has tapered off somewhat since then.
Of course, it doesn’t make it all better…but at least I’m not wasting my time stewing over it.
What will probably happen is: I’ll be allowed to come over on Thanksgiving, only under a very stingy SF. I’ll break down and go, because, well, I’m a sucker for it and I really do want to go. 
I’ll try to keep out of his hair when I’m there. I’ll have, for the most part, an actual good time. And then the process will be continued at Christmas. But at least he’ll have fewer things to complain about as I’m getting a hair cut tomorrow and making sure I’m nice and clean shaved.
Harimad-sol saw me on webcam last night for about an hour or so and she noticed that I did look a bit scruffy (but not that it was a bad thing at all, she said among, heh, other things. :o), so I think that maybe when I grow the hair and beard out I might resemble a beatnik, hippie, what have you…all be it a pretty good looking one. 
(okay, H-S’s words, not mine)
I read all the comments and here and, I dunno…maybe I will try to interact with my mom as little as possible…the only thing is, I KNOW that it won’t have any effect on her or any decisions, and I’ll wind up just wasting the years not talking to her. She woulnd’t ever “wake up” or “come to her senses” over it…so what would be the point? I wouldn’t want to never talk to her again as long as I live. : /
About what my SF REALLY dislikes…I couldn’t say. He’s always made it out to be the hair, beard, type of dressing, style of wear, just over all appearence (which, I can admit, CAN be a little shabby sometimes, but come on, I only have a limited amount of funds. Most of the stuff is from donation charities and second hand clothing stores), but it may be deeper like some have pointed out.
Yeah, I don’t think I’d really trust or feel well about anyone else being my Payee. I don’t even know anyone else who could do it. I do know that if one doesn’t have a payee (and can’t be their own one) then a company does it for you, but I also hear that they dole it out in serious amounts (like all of it at once and expect you to be able to use it responsibly). Me, I couldn’t. I have serious spending issues and I usually wind up throwing it away and wasting it on dumb shit that I really don’t need (like we are all wont to do at times, but see, I do it ALL the time). I’m really impulsive when I shop and that’s sometimes a bad thing. I don’t know, maybe I just need to plan better.
BY the way, it’s interesting that Guin would raise the race issue because my SF, is, in fact, a bit of a racist. He’s one of those subtle ones that, while he won’t say anything out loud, he just doens’t seem to like or trust the company of anyone who isn’t caucasian. When I brought over a friend of mine years ago (who happened to be black), SF didn’t say one word to him and kinda gave him a cold shoulder…but didn’t really do anything OVERLY to show his disgust. He didn’t have to, though, you could just tell.
Anyway…
I appreciate all the support and comments and suggestions in this thread.
It strikes me that that actually is on-topic. Shocking, isn’t it? It’s true, though; a ponytail would have helped, perhaps, but he really doesn’t have anywhere near enough hair for that. His hair is short hair growing out, in need of a trim, rather than anything remotely hippie-like, but others’ opinions may (and do) differ.
Sometimes, as other posters have said, there’s nothing much you can do. Shaving, getting a haircut, and just trying to stay out of your SF’s way are the only choices you really have, and it looks like you’re going to do that. Personally, I would handle it worse (not that I think you’re handling it badly), since I’ve never been that good at letting things roll off my back. It makes for great fun interacting with jerks, too, since I’m just unwise enough to let them know what gets to me. Then they proceed to keep doing it.
I’ve got nothing to add, except you do need to speak to your mom about it. How can she let this happen? Coming from a very disfunctional family, I know quite a bit about it. Even if you hate it, comes a point where you have to put your foot down.
All the same, hope you have a Happy Birthday! Mine’s this month, too, on the 30th.
Here I was thinking you were all Bo Bice and everything. Long hair means long, not shaggy.
The point would be to limit how much hurt she gives you. If you have a toxic person in your life, even if it’s a family member (and I’m not saying your mom is toxic - but she might be), it is better for you to reduce your exposure to them. You of course are the best judge of what you get out of having contact with your mom; if you get more happiness than grief, by all means, continue. If she only hurts you when you ask to come over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, maybe you need to think about not asking for that (which is particularly crappy of her, because holidays are supposed to be family times). Anyway, I’d just like to see you not getting hurt by the people who are supposed to love and support you.
There’s an interesting suggestion in a book I picked up recently about dealing with verbal abusers:
Abuser: <insult>
You: throw your hands into the air like it’s a ‘Eureka!’ moment and say “Oh! So THAT’s what you really think about me!”
Abuser: Yes
You: <mysteriously> “I see.”
Repeat as necessary.
Also, the book recommends reminding yourself, and saying so aloud, “I will not accept being spoken to in this tone of voice/ in this manner / in so disrespectful a way / etc.” And excusing yourself. If given the silent treatment, say “I feel bored with your company. Goodbye.” And go somewhere you won’t be bored.
My father is verbally abusive, but mostly to mom. She puts up with so much shit from him.
Zagloba, I will respectfully disagree with this.
Idle Thoughts, it sounds to me that your SF is a classic example of a control freak. In his case, he thinks that he has control over both your mother and your step-brother, but he knows that he has no control over you, so you are persona non grata as long as you resist his control. Furthermore, you run the risk of undermining his control over your mother, and he sees that as a threat. Classic behavior for this (and for the next step, the abusive spouse/parent) is to separate the family from any external support to make them more dependent. This can also be indicated by an iron fist on the finances, tightening the purse strings to make everyone come to him for money.
My guess would be that your appearance, lifestyle, and medical conditions are not the reasons that he doesn’t want you around, but rather the superficial excuses that he uses to separate you from your mother.
Here’s an indicator: Has your mother started to draw away from her previous friends and family after remarrying? If so, it is probably under the pressure of your step father’s control. If not, then it may be only you that he disdains. (I which case I am sorry, both for a shitty step father, and for my lame attempt at amateur psychology.)
Don’t give up on your mother. It may mean eating a certain amount of shit when you deal with your SF, but make sure that she knows that she can count on you if she needs you.
Plynk, he said he talks to his mom 3 times a week on the telephone, with his knowledge (asking him if her own son could come to their home on Thanksgiving and his birthday with the son presently on the phone). That doesn’t sound like the mother is being cut off from her friends and family. I get where you’re going with this, but I don’t think it’s the case here. I think the OP’s mother knows exactly what she’s doing and it’s horrendous. IMHO, she doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with her son. However horrible it may seem, some mothers actually do choose the men in their lives over their own children, which to me is absolutely unforgivable.
Just to toss my 2 cents worth in here. From what Idle was saying his mom agrees with Stepdad about the appearance thing. Doesn’t make anything in this situation right but Idle has to continue a relationship with his mother even though she so strongly disapproves of his appearace and may secretly hold the same prejusices about his disablilty. Given all that… Idle Thoughts the only behaviors you can change are your own. confronting your mother will only cause her to be defensive. she thinks all of this is fine and she receives some benefit from behaving this way, it may be something intangible like she can feel superior while maintianing a fiction to her self that she is being supportive, i.e. she is lovingly helping you with your money issues while in reality withholding from you the love and support of her home. Confronting your StepIdiot will make him say it’s his house and he can act how he wants, he is getting some benefit from this, he gets to feel he is making a morol judgement about “all of the hippie freaks that are destroying the moral fiber of our great country.” Od course you are getting a benefit as well, I won’t theorise what that benefit might be but people don’t continue behavior they don’t receive a benefit from. You need to look carefully at why it is so important to you to go there and be miserable? Do you think you deserve it? Do you think if you continue to throw your self into the situation you will change what they think? Do you think your mom will suddenly have a change of heart and choose you over him? Are you afraid of being without some link to some sort of family? Only you can figure out what it is that you want.
If it is important enough for you to spend the holidays with these people, you will have to conform to thier behavior standards. If your personal freedom to be who you are is more important to you, then you can as has been suggested start your own traditions. Continuing as you have been isn’t working. You are miserable, they are miserable and your stepbrother is most likely confused.
I hope and pray that whatever you decide to do, you will have a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving. I also hope that we all stop for a moment and reflect on the blessings we have.
What about the uncle(s)? Any chance of a future holiday being held somewhere other than your mom’s house? Maybe as your cousins get older - the younger generation could say "We’ve decided to have T’giving/Xmas/St.Cecil’s Day over at Cousin Mel’s this year " - leave the grumpy old people out of it altogether. 
You know, maybe I could give you a ride out there one way on a Saturday or something if you want to visit them without spending the night. Maybe you could get them to take you back or take the bus back or something. I mean, they’re so close that really, spend as much time as you can with your mother if you can. 
Fuck your stepdad, his small dick, and whatever else makes him think he can marry a woman and then force her to disown her own son.
Having family over for Thanksgiving is the all-American tradition, be it your bipolar aunt, your kleptomaniac uncle, pedophile brother, alcoholic sister, or your gasp long-haired, unshaven stepson. Fuck him and his little Thanksgiving fantasy land where everyone meets up to every expectation.
I’m sure in his mind, picturing you spending Thanksgiving alone instead being with the people you love is better than holding his nose and pretending to be friends with you for a few hours.
That’s fucked up.
He needs to grow the fuck up. Most people over 21 have realized that nothing will ever be perfect.
Happy Thanksgiving, Idle Thoughts, and may you be surrounded by people who love you.
All right, update. I called my mom this evening and asked what the final verdict was, and, as expected, he relented just as long as I keep my promises I made about appearence.
So at least I get to spend it there (AND also spend the night). So I guess it’s a Pyrrhic victory, but a victory nonetheless.
My uncle never has Thanksgiving by himself with his kids, he’s always over my moms, so that wouldn’t work, otherwise that would have been an excellent suggestion.
I agree with what adhemar said, as that’s the choice I made in the end. It’s their house and their rules and as sucky as it may be, spending time with them is STILL more important to me than personal prefrences regarding my hair, goatee, etc.
Maybe it’s not right what mom is doing, and I really think it’s not right what SF does, but I can’t do much else. Well, I can…I just…
couldn’t. Seriously. I realize that it should come to just living my own life but it’s hard. Cause like I said before, I really DO want to be accepted and go over there, so I guess I’m just going to have to put up with it. shrug
Thanks, lel for the offer. I probably won’t ever use it, but it was nice of you to put it on the table just in case, if ever.
And thank you to everyone else too who showed warmth and understanding and compassion, even here in the pit.
It’s my birthday today. So happy birthday to me. Thanksgiving won’t be all that bad I don’t think. I just can’t be.
After all, what does not kill me makes me stronger.
I’d just like to take the time to acknowledge the unspoken importance of this statement - namely, the need to focus on OUR own self esteem, and the importance of being assertive. Like most things in life, it requires learning new forms of behavioural responses - and it often requires undoing old forms of learned behavior too - particularly passive behaviour.
I’d also like to compliment Featherlou and Zoe for their insights in this thread. As we all know… we can’t change other people, we can only change our reactions. Their advice was priceless, as always.
Idle, you know how I feel about you (I think ) & you know how to contact me when ever you want, to talk about anything (((HUGS))) Smooches
Your story brought back memories of my evil ex-step-father. He didn’t speak to me for 3 years, refused to acknowledge me. He even gloated about the expensive Christmas gifts he gave to my sister, while he couldn’t even tell me to fuck off. Needless to say, he’s a limpdick jackass.
First of all, if you were in Ohio, we’d love to have you over - you could even stay a few nights!
Secondly, I don’t know how you’ve maintained your composure through all this, my heart breaks for you for what you have to battle with every year. You are a strong person for compromising and not becoming argumentative. If I were in your place, I would gather the whole family together to witness and ask them directly why they are descriminating against you. I would tell step-father he is a spineless, worthless, prick who needs to shove a corn cob up his rectum. Then I’d look at my mother with tears in my eyes and ask her how she could love this jerk more than her own child, when he is clearly abusive to you and her. Then I’d ask her why she doesn’t divorce him (right in front of his face) and inform her that there are psychiatrists who specialize in victims of abuse and you highly suggest she goes.
Your step-father is a real piece of work. I would have lost it by now if I were in your shoes. I wish I could go there now and give him a piece of my mind for you. Keep us updated.
Jenny? Is that you? 
Thanks, Boo Boo. I’ve had to do some work on my own personal growth these last couple of years, and I hate to see another human being hurting when they could fix it (not easily, mind you, but it can be done).
Idle, changing the whole dynamic of your relationship with your mother and step-father isn’t something that could be done overnight, but please continue to work on demanding better treatment from both of them, simply because you deserve it.
Wow, IT, that really sucks. You have my sympathies.
I dealt with an abusive stepfather too–no physical abuse but he HATED me. He always said horrible things to me, would decide at random that I needed to be grounded or have some sort of privilege taken away (this was in junior high and high school), accused me of being drunk/on drugs/slutty when I was just out with friends. My mom never said a word. Her excuse was that she wanted to keep things peaceful. I resented the hell out of her for letting him treat me that way.
Anyway, I left home as soon after high school graduation as possible and had almost no contact with my mom in the years that followed. She called me out of the blue one day to tell me she had left him. Apparently he’d been beating her since I left, but she started thinking it was time to go when he told her that he was going to kill her and bury her in the basement. When she found out he’d told all the neighbors she was moving to CA, she stopped just thinking about it and left.
So, I know how you feel, especially when you haven’t done anything to deserve this bad treatment. I hope you’re able to enjoy your visit with your mom and brother, though, and that SF doesn’t make things too miserable. And maybe one day your mom will realize that SF is a shit and dump his ass.