He’s bright, funny, sensitive, and so intelligent and insightful it just breaks your heart. I have a horrible temperament and 9 days out of 10 I don’t have enough patience for the endless Pókemon chatter when I get home, but at least once a week I tell myself that I need to keep it together because I’m as close to a mother as that child is going to get, and I put up with your shit solely for him.
Every time he tells me how great your cooking is (tomato-soup from the can) and how he has a tv in his room (you make him sleep on the living room floor) at your house (which he has seen for a grand total of four weeks in three years) and he can play video games (because you don’t care how late he stays up) and eat candy (because you don’t make sure he brushes his teeth or pay for his dentist bills when he comes back to us with abscesses in his gums), I think of how he came back stinking of cat piss and almost 10 lbs lighter this summer, after you half-fastly took him in for a little over a month. I hmm and ohhh at the right moments because I don’t want to cry at his self-comforting and I can’t punch you across the state line.
You post on your stupid MySpace about how he’s a chip off the old block. I sure hope you mean his father, you selfish, useless cow. Even if I get an ulcer from it, I’ll never tell him how I feel about the senselessness of your existence, but I had to come vent my spleen because I get to the point where I think I might vomit from holding it back in, because as much as I wish I was his mother, I’m not, you fucking moron, you are, and the fact that you are missing out on him is a goddamn tragedy. Fuck you.
Don’t worry. The punishment for being an absentee, neglectful parent is built into the sin. And when that adorable little kid grows up, he will one day delight you because you will overhear him telling one of his friends about his bio mother–whom you just Pitted–and his real mother–you.
Not sure I follow the players in this story but - That sucks. I assume you are a step-parent, the most unappreciated job there is? Stay strong, you have too. And remember that kids have to tell people how great their most crappy parent is because they know everyone would freak out if they knew what was going on.
I had to listen to years of how great the real dad was. He was the smartest and the coolest and was always doing really fun stuff. A guy with no job who only sees his kid when it is most convenient for him. Yeah, that guy would be a lot of fun, wouldn’t he.
One day he will realize what is going on without you telling him and, I think, he will appreciate you for it then. Maybe when he has kids of his own.
Thanks guys. I hear several people tell me that, and it’s not that I don’t appreciate that he thinks (or will think) of me that way, but that sometimes in the present, I am overwhelmed by the helplessness of the position. She has rights over him, and he loves her, despite herself, because she is his mother. My husband has had time to come to grips with the fact that, although horrible, she should be allowed to parent when she gets it into her head to. The law says so, and psychology says so, so she gets to take him when she feels like it and I get shit, because I’m just a stepmother with no rights.
It helps that he gives me presents on Mother’s Day, but then I agonize about whether I should buy her a card and send it to her with his name on it even though she hasn’t written him so much as an email for Christmas or his birthday since I’ve known him. He doesn’t ask about her on Mother’s Day, so I don’t.
I’m thinking about Spring Break and Summer coming up and I swear I just break into a cold sweat when I think about her taking him.
Yep. Stepmom to a nine-year old boy. Planning his tenth birthday. Married to a wonderful man who got the raw end of the deal with his ex-GF, his mother. She met some loser online and moved back home with him and handed over custody to my ex. When we met, the child was five. He lives with us.
Back when his maternal grandmother was around, she took him every summer. Once she moved away, we were left with him until she got it into her head to take him over last summer. It was horrid. He would cry over the phone and tell me how much he missed me, and then when I got him back he was all pale and thin and distant. I hate it.
I am so sorry. Your position sucks. How old is kidlet? Do your best. Hell, it sounds like just keeping him clean and dry and well fed should show him the differences. He WILL appreciate all you did someday (and I think that day may come sooner than you think). Shit, even Jessie and James (team Rocket) take care of their pokemons…
Why are there such shitty people and how come they become parents? <sigh>
Nine. He used to barely speak of her, and at best it was random. Then last weekend, for some reason, he brought her up constantly and sang her praises to me. The soup he told me was straight from the can was all of a sudden “filled with spices” and “delicious” and “made just for him” and he “missed it so much”.
I have no idea how to read this. Does he need me to be more affectionate? Less? Does he feel guilty that life with his father and I is calm and good? I didn’t have the balls to ask him if maybe he missed her and wanted to talk to her. It’s terrible to say, but I just didn’t want to know. It’s hard enough ignoring the bile in my throat without actively campaigning for her. I’d be fine with it if there was a chance in hell she’d be a normal mother, but it would only lead to more of the same.
I feel for the kid. Still not clear on the adults you’re talking about here, though, because you’re using pronouns in an ambiguous way. We seem to have:
You.
The nine-year-old boy.
Your husband.
Your husband’s ex-girlfriend (the boy’s biological mother).
The loser boyfriend of your husband’s ex-girlfriend.
Your ex (ex-husband?) who for some reason at some point had custody of the child.
Whoops, sorry. Can’t edit now because it’s too late, but I meant “My husband” not “my ex”. Your list of players is accurate except for the last one. My husband, the child’s father, has always had custody.
I don’t want to fan the flames but he may just be quoting the other mom. She may well be, probably is, campaigning heavily for how much better she is than his boring old home. I bet she prompts him often to tell her how much better everything is at her house. He probably feels bad for her and wants to build her up, maybe even wants to see if you will confirm something she said. I really doubt he realizes how that makes you feel.
Be the adult - offer to make the same soup if that is what he likes. It’s hard, I know, but keep that bile down and keep smiling. Show him how a real Mom acts.
Keep in mind that I didn’t (don’t) always follow my own advice and when I did I didn’t always do it very well.
My own gut feeling is that at 9, he’s doing an equivalent of the first of several Hail Marys re this woman. IOW, he wants her to be GREAT, because she’s his mother. He knows on some level that life is not as good at her house as it is in your house, so he talks up her side of things to even things out a bit. I wouldn’t be surprised if he came out with stuff like “well, YOU don’t do X and she does. It’s way cool at her house.” or similar as he gets older. He will need to be older still to truly see the stability you provided for him.
Unfortunately, all she ever had to do was provide some DNA to him. No matter what, she’s his mother. Personally? I think that contributing DNA doesn’t mean shit in these types of situations, but so far, but so far, public opinion and the courts don’t agree.
I think kidlet loves you. Try as hard as you can to NOT compete with her. Don’t ask me how, but I think you’re doing a fine job from what you’ve shared here. I most definitely wouldn’t suggest mother’s day cards, but if he thinks of it, I wouldn’t poo-poo it, either.
Thanks, eleanorigby. Nah, I don’t poo-poo anything he asks to do. He bought Christmas presents for her and her family last year when he thought he was going for Christmas, then when she ditched him last-minute he never said a word about them until about a week later, when he asked “Why can’t I go to [state where mom lives] for Christmas?” I could see my poor husband falter and thank God I had read up on how to phrase an answer to just such a question: reassurance and honesty.
“Your mom loves you, but she’s not very good at planning so she didn’t do what she needed to do and that’s her job as an adult. Your father and I are really sorry, but we’re here and we want you to know that we’re going to have a great Christmas.”
But my soup is like, ten times better! :mad:
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But of course it is! And when you offer to make the canned stuff he can say “that’s OK, I’ll eat yours” without being disloyal to his Mom. Just look away before you start grinning.
I hear you. I am a stepdad to two (11-year-old boy, 9-year-old girl). Their dad goes weeks, sometimes even months without talking to them, and for long stretches of time they won’t talk about him. But, sure as the sun rises, when they go out to see him for a few days–and they see him for only about 15 days a year now–they’ll come back acting like he’s Super Dad.
So, what did Super Dad do with you while you were there? “Well, he spent most of the time working.” Did he take any time off to spend time with you? “No. He took us to (local cheap eatery) one night! But the other nights he had to work in the basement.” What did you do when he was working? “Stepmom took care of us.” I should point out here that Stepmom is a recent immigrant to the US and her English isn’t that strong. The kids do not know any of her native language and from what they say I don’t think she is even able to hold a conversation with them unless Super Dad translates for her. “So, she let us watch TV all day.” Yep, there’s Super Dad, planting the kids in front of the TV all week. But of course, it was The Greatest Time Ever.
So, yeah, I can see why you’re ticked at that behavior. It’s hard to see it from their eyes, that I can take them everywhere and spend time with them and it doesn’t mean that much to them. I’ve got to say it does lessen over time, as now after a couple days back that talk stops.
It helps that he gives me presents on Mother’s Day, but then I agonize about whether I should buy her a card and send it to her with his name on it even though she hasn’t written him so much as an email for Christmas or his birthday since I’ve known him. He doesn’t ask about her on Mother’s Day, so I don’t.
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Don’t do this. I’ll tell you why.
I’ve mentioned before that I was a shitty, shitty father for the first few years of my son’s life, who pretended that occasionally playing a game with the kid and agreeing to baby-sit (god! as if it were an IMPOSITION to ask me to take care of my OWN SON!) made up for the utter lack of involvement either financial or emotional. So my parents did the heavy lifting, and gracefully. A small part of the reason that I turned around (but not the only thing) was my son and his sister giving my father presents on Father’s Day, rather than me. This was entirely appropriate, as I had NOT EARNED the mantle of Father, or Dad, or anything other than “random fuckwit sperm-donor.”
If the kid wants to buy his mother something, don’t discourage him. But don’t press him to feel anything that he doesn’t feel, and don’t reinforce her bad behavior by rewarding it with lies. Putting his name on a present you’ve bought and she didn’t earn is a lie.
Oh sweet christ, how many times have I said some varient of this? I’m the parent (but my husband is an awesome stepdad.)
The father? Pays no child support. Lives in another country. His sum total of responsibility - call once a week, fly my son home to him once a year. He lives at home, he pays no rent. He could totally manage this, except he doesn’t. We had a shared custody arrangement in which I bore the greatest financial burden and he had a lot more time with his son, he couldn’t cope with it. Couldn’t deal with having the kid around so much. Which, fine by me, I’d rather have my son here always and never see his father again, but the kid needs his dad, and his dad won’t step up.
It sucks, and we often hear about how great things are with his dad, and it’s only now (age 13) that we hear that he’s angry about his father’s irresponsibility. Honestly, if his dad didn’t live at home I’d be worried that, like you, he wasn’t getting enough to eat or stable bed times or whatever. That’s so awful, when you have to let them go and you know they won’t be treated properly, but not badly enough that you can stop it.
Hang in there, you’re doing the right stuff. You really, really are. You will someday hear “You’re not my mom!” and you’re already hearing about how happy and joyous things are at her house, but that’s him trying to justify what a crap parent he’s got. Kids are all about misplaced loyalty. He’s self-comforting like mad, as you said earlier.
It sucks, it hurts, it’s horrible, but the rewards are huge. I see my son with his stepdad - whom the kid really treated like crap for a while - and I see the good work my husband’s done finally coming home to roost.
That’s all I got. I’ve never step-parented, but if I did, I’d try to remember all the defense mechanisms kids use to make themselves feel better, when the absent parent is a shit.
Thing is, this kid is amazingly sensitive. So much so that when he tells me about the stupid soup, he pauses to come over and pat my shoulder and tells me that my soup is ALSO yummy. I’m not as ticked at the behavior as I am heartbroken when I see it, because I know he understands more than he lets on.
Apparently when I am heartbroken I curse like a sailor.
I’ll remember that. I do try to always be honest. Skald, tell me something. I try to think through her rationale every so often and come up with “pregnant too young, bad with follow-through” and those kinds of clichés. Can you give me any insight into the thought process? I always think that if I can say the right thing to her, I’ll impress upon her how she is hurting him in ways that can’t be undone. I don’t mind sharing him–I mind sharing him with someone that doesn’t care for him.
When I was that age, it was sometimes the novelty of eating something out of a can-like having a frozen pizza, instead of homemade-somehow, it was more fun. Maybe that’s it? (Especially since, as you said, he praises your’s after he says how much he likes “her’s.” ;))
Otherwise, it could just be wishful thinking. What’s his favorite food-I’ll be you make it far better than Campbell’s Tomato.
Your position sucks. How old is kidlet? Do your best. Hell, it sounds like just keeping him clean and dry and well fed should show him the differences. He WILL appreciate all you did someday (and I think that day may come sooner than you think). Shit, even Jessie and James (team Rocket) take care of their pokemons…