This entire post hit home so much I am doing the Jennifer Hudson face-fan in an effort to suck this water back into my eyeball. Thank you.
He praises my spaghetti sauce. He even told my mother and father (who he calls grandma and grandpa) that I make the best spaghetti sauce ever.
Okay, let me think. It’ll take me a little while to reconstruct my web of rationalizations, self-deceit, and excuses.
At first it was because there was another man in the picture: my son’s mother had another child, his older sister, by another man. He was living with them, so why should I pay anything? I told myself. They had a roof over their heads, and it was best that I stay out of it so as not to confuse the issue. Plus (I thought but would never have vocalize) I would have a much harder time getting other girls if I had a son around, and less money to spend on them and myself. Plus, no matter how irresponsible I was being, I was a better man than him; I wasn’t hitting my girlfriend the way he was, so at least I had that going. (And yes, I am aware of the cognitive dissonance that was required for me to think that.)
Then the other guy disappeared, and my son’s mother got into very bad straits, and I told myself I wasn’t making enough money, and also that I owed it to myself and to them to stay in college to maximize my long-term earning potential. Of course that didn’t help them eat, or keep the heat on.
So my parents stepped in, and now I had another excuse. My parents could do it! I’d stay in school, the elder Rhymers would do the heavy lifting of parenting, and they were just so GOOD at it. Really, I told myself, it was better for my son and his sister that I keep my distance. I had to get a degree, and take care of myself, and hey, there’d always be time.
The way I’ve phrased all that makes it sound like the other persons’ doing the heavy lifting was the reason I slacked off. But that was just an excuse. Don’t buy into it. I didn’t want to face the responsibility because I was being a fuckwit, but the fact that my parents kept my kid off the breadline does not make me any less of a fuckwit.
That just broke my heart and I’m so glad he lives with you and his dad most of the time. God bless you for loving this little boy. He needs you!
Big hugs!
Thanks, I appreciate it. I don’t like simplifying people into caricatures. I’m sure she loves her mother and her boyfriend, and in some way, her kid, so this has to make sense to her somehow. She has told my husband in the past that he is the better parent and made the sorts of comments that clue me in to the idea that he is doing well with us, so why interfere. It isn’t an excuse of course, as you said, but that’s half his DNA and the more I try to get her the more help I can be to him (I hope).
That might be what’s going on with the soup. It took me an embarrassingly long time to come to appreciate my mom making every meal from scratch, and making all of our baked goods from scratch - we wanted Oreos, dammit!
Maybe it might help you to remember that you are looking after your stepson properly because that’s the right thing to do, and you know right from wrong. His bio-mom, for some reason, doesn’t. Can you find it in your heart to have some compassion for someone who is missing some critical element of human nature? (And I am in no way saying that there’s something wrong with you if you can’t - it’s just food for thought.)
I try. 
I actually used to defend her in the beginning somewhat, thinking that eventually her instincts would kick in. I even used to worry about her asking to have custody. There’s only so much someone can let you down before you become numb, but sadly since she’s disappointing him and not me, it brings out the defensive momma bear instead.
It seems like when the mother has custody, the boy is neglected. Certainly that’s enough to terminate her rights?
In any event, love him love him love him. He’s trying to make his bio-mom fit into June Cleaver mode and that’s why he’s praising her to the skies. Plus, he’s not old enough to appreciate that you making him brush his teeth and go to bed at a decent hour is in his own best interests. He will.
I agree with Skald…don’t buy her gifts in his name. The sooner he realizes the true extent of her lack of concern the better.
Oh, and love him some more.
That’s a step my husband isn’t willing to take, since it would accomplish the one thing she accuses us of:keeping him away from her. She does neglect him, but not to the extent that it would terminate her rights, and we honestly do want to do our best as far as keeping the possibility that she might fall, hit her head and see the light open.
I hope so. I just had to take away his video games for forgetting his homework folder at school. :smack:
At least I told him I loved him right before.
So what? We’re talking about what’s in the best interest of the child, not hurting some grown woman’s poor widdle feelings. For crying out loud, unless your stepson is overweight, coming back from a visit with her 10 lbs lighter is a dealbreaker!
It’s never about hurting her feelings. He is my top concern. I never want him to have cause to doubt our good will and willingness to keep the door open. He says she feeds him three meals a day, even if his school lunch is Ramen. He says she tells him to brush his teeth. Still, a nine-year old requires constant follow-up which she is just lackadaisical about. She’s not abusive, but she’s more like an older spoiled sister than a mother.
Of course the concern is there. I’m a nervous wreck when he’s gone. Back when he came home, after I weighed him and pumped him full of antibiotics I consulted a social worker (I work in a hospital) about whether or not I had grounds for neglect and she said I didn’t, so there it is. Apparently it takes a LOT for the state to remove a child from a household.
I want to thank you for your honesty.
My childrens father, may he rest in peace, must have had some of these same lines of thought.
He was selfish in so many ways and I think it was the “other people are handling it” so I might was well do what I have to/want to for myself.
At one point I was in bad situation with an eviction and no place to go. I begged him for help but he was indifferent.
Like in your situation his parents stepped in. They did not take care of the kids at all in a physical sense but they did pay $100 a month towards back child support he owed for several months which helped me get back on my feet. While that did help me out financially it helped him as well. Like you stated someone else was carrying the load so why not let them.
Even if he was a “fuckwit”, your post sort of makes me understand him a little better. I am not sure right now if that is good or bad but it helped.
This is just another personal view to give you a vision of the future.
When I was 8 my dad was the “fun guy” who picked us up every once in a while. I’m sure he missed more visitation weekends than he kept. We would go out for pancakes & then we’d get $20 bucks each to buy what ever we wanted at a local trade center/flea market/swap meet (including fireworks). We went bowling and played endless video games (while he did his bowling league at the other end of the lanes). We went to the movies & had candy & popcorn with my aunt while he “went out”.
I’m now 35. I quit seeing my dad as the “fun guy” when I was 12. That’s when I wondered why a grown man still went to his mother’s house for dinner every night & took her his laundry. I saw my step-dad as the father who showed up for band concerts, taught me to ride a dirt bike, taught me to dive & swim, and checked my homework. When I talk about “my parents” I always mean my mom & my step-dad. I see my father maybe once a year. We have nothing in common & very little to talk about. It’s kind of sad. He’s been a better parent to my step- & half-siblings, and that’s great. But I still find it sad that my sister’s children can never remember who he is.
I don’t think you need to do anything different than what you’re already doing. I think it’s that he’s nine and starting to see the difference between staying with her and staying with you and your husband. He’s too young to fully understand or deal with the fact that his mother is awful, so he’s trying to turn her into an awesome mom by believing really hard. The next 5-10 years are going to be very hard for him (and for you, watching it and wanting to say something but holding back) while he figures things out.
I grew up with someone close to me who went through something very similar. I was a kid, but I remember it was heartbreaking even then–and infuriating as I got older and understood the situation better. The children from the “mother” in question are adults and teens now, and are well adjusted and very close to the adults who raised them. It sounds like you’re doing things right–kids in that situation are remarkably resilient if they have stable parental figures they know they can rely on. Don’t discount the importance of him just knowing you’re there.
Well, that makes sense.
Atomicflea, as a former kid with two step-parents, I just want to say thanks. One day, so will yours.
Wow. I’m sorry for your father’s myopia. See? Now I’m even ticked on your behalf. :mad:
Thank you. I needed to hear that.
I hope so, although I’m not looking forward to the teens. I can see shadows of it sometimes, and it freaks me out how when he gets sulky, he looks just like her.
Nothing to do but set a standard and stick to it, I guess.