I love my step-kids, but I pit step-parenting

The BBQ Pit
1

What a freaking thankless job this is. I have one absolutely great stepkid, one stepkid who’s typical, and one who’s not a good kid. The typical package, in other words, whether children of my own loins or not.

I FREAKING HATE STEP-PARENTING. I love my stepkids, try to be their back-up parent but not horn in on the parenting job, and support them by coming to their games, watching their dogs, getting them tuition waivers to the uni where I work, etc.

In return?

All good things I do for them = taken absolutely for granted by the stepkids and my husband. WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

Anytime I screw up = evil stepmother of legend, aka Snow White’s step-mom. All previous good deeds, forgotten and wiped out.

No matter how much I love these kids, and I DON’T FREAKING DO IT FOR A REWARD, DAMMIT, I will NEVER EVER be loved back in the same way. I will NEVER be the one they want to see. I will ALWAYS be left out of the family photos, the last one (if freaking ever) to hold their new baby. The one whom, despite helping them endless times with their high school history paper, Spanish verbs, and English projects, does not EVEN MERIT A GODDAMN TICKET TO THEIR GRADUATION. And everyone in the family of origin is all right with this. And me? I KEEP MY F^&*ING MOUTH SHUT AND WAIT FOR THEM AT HOME because it’s their freaking day, and it’s not my job to create the drama. OH NO. That’s their BIOLOGICAL PARENTS’ job. And don’t they do it well!

I will be worse than a second-class citizen in their lives for my entire life in theirs, as well as however long I endure in their children’s lives. And yet, I love them still. I will continue to do my best for them. BUT:

I AM SO FREAKING SICK OF THIS AND IT REALLY, REALLY SUCKS.

2

That must suck ass. And no, there’s not a whole lot you can do about it.

I have a good friend who’s in a similar situation. But so far she’s enjoying it. She just doesn’t care for the kids’ mother.

3

You need to have a word with your husband.

4

In an ideal world, sure, I’d have a word with him. In this world? Why, it’s my privilege to parent his perfect, adorable children!

Some days, yes. Many days: NOPE.

5

It really sucks you feel you can’t talk to him. I bet his understanding would make all the difference in the world to how you handle the situation. If I were you I’d start asking myself whether anyone really appreciated me at all, and how much longer I was going to tolerate that. It just sounds miserable. How long have you been married?

And also, I know you’re just ranting, but you really cannot predict whether you’ll be ostracized for the rest of your life, and thoughts like that - what in CBT is called ‘‘fortune-telling’’ - are bound only to make you feel worse. It will probably be easier to deal with if you focus on the fact that you’re not being appreciated right now.

6

We’ve been married 3 1/3 years.

About the fortune-telling: you’re right, absolutely right. On my happier days, I hope things will get better.

Today is clearly not one of those days. :frowning:

7

If your husband doesn’t/can’t help the only thing you can do is just let it be. Be the best person you can and quit worrying about it. Really men don’t understand all the emotions involved. I was in the same situation with my second wife, I could tell she was in distress but couldn’t make her and the kids and the ex-wife happy at once.

The only thing that might be on your side is time, just be a good person, not too nice not too mean, hang in there and they will come to appreciate you.

8

Parenting, in general, can be rather thankless. How often do you call up your mom and say “hey, remember those times you gave me a kick-in-the-butt to do better? Well, thanks for that!” Perhaps it isn’t so much that you are a step-parent, rather, you are a parent and the children react like children.

9

What’s the scoop with the graduation tickets? Can you just buy your own or does each student only get a certain amount? If it’s just a certain number, then I’m afraid the step-parent will usually be last in line. Tickets will go first to blood relatives (mom, dad, grandparents, uncles, etc). Even if there aren’t step parents, limited graduation tickets usually cause drama because there’s never enough tickets for all the extended relatives.

10

What does that have to do with being ostracized by them for their “real” parents? Not being allowed in family photos? Being not allowed to talk to one’s husband about how she is treated? It is ridiculous to equate that with what first parents have to face.

And why is thanking her for the things that hurt the standard? Surely you do let your mom know you appreciate her. Even if you forget for a while, there’s a holiday once a year to remind you.

The fact is, stepparents get the raw end of the stick. I saw it with my aunt, who was probably the best parent my cousins ever had, and even they would admit it now. Unfortunately, my aunt is no longer living. Small comfort knowing they’ll appreciate you after you’re gone, I know, but maybe it will help the OP a bit. And, maybe her kids are a bit brighter than my cousins and will figure it out before then.

I do wonder if you (OP) are just fortune-telling when it comes to predicting what will happen if you bring it up with your husband. Has he treated you like that before? Once you are calmer, reevaluate that assumption and see if you can discuss it with him. Bottling all this up and bearing it is not healthy.

11

I’m a stepfather, and I agree with this. Frankly, from my perspective, not being on the same page as your spouse is a bigger problem than, and probably the cause of, the kids’ disrespect. I’ve been lucky enough to not have to deal with a lot of this kind of crap from my stepson. Part of that is because he’s smart enough to realize that his biological dad sucks, but it’s mostly because my wife made it clear to him from day one that she and I are a team and will always back each other up 100%. It’s hard enough fighting idiot teenagers when you’re on a team. If you have to fight your spouse at the same time, it’s impossible.

12

Agree with this 100%

13

Absolutely agree. I am a step-parent.

It’s one thing for the bio-mom and her family to diss you - that’s to be expected. It’s another thing for the kids to treat you poorly - but then, they are kids/teenagers, who aren’t generally creatures known for their tact and empathy.

But it’s another thing entirely for your husband to go along with this behavior. You absolutely need to call him on that bullshit.

FTR, in about ten years or so, like all teens, they’ll start having some appreciation for what you’ve done for them. Try not to kill them before that. :stuck_out_tongue:

14

It is easy for me to say being rather young, but this is why I would never take on the role of a stepparent. I have seen many examples in real life that step parents are garbage, to be discarded the SECOND your sperm donor contacts you for the first time in decades to beg for money.

It sucks but it is reality.

15

Yes. It took some counseling for my wife and I to get on the same page. We should have done it a lot earlier. She thought she was doing me some kind of favor by never telling me anything and by trying to be “fair and equal” when dealing with my stepson and me. A parent and a child are not equals. Imagine trying to deal with a teenager who, when he doesn’t like a decision, takes his case to a higher authority - his mom - who then overturns the decision. We came very close to divorce.

For the OP: get you to counseling. Yes, to seems like a waste of money but spouses just don’t get it sometimes. The natural parents think they are doing you the greatest of favors allowing you to be involved in the lives their precious children. The absent parent thinks that children just take care of themsleves, since they never have to deal with the day-to-day crap. We allowed my stepson to live with his dad for a few months in high school. At first he, the “real” dad, was crowing about what a cool dad he was and all the fun they were having. By two months he was crying like a baby and begging us to solve all his problems. I got a lot less flak from the dad after that.

Has anyone seen The Stepfather? We step-parents start out evil and the best we can hope for is to, someday, if we work hard enough, be allowed the same things normal parents take for granted. Step-parenting is the most thankless job on earth. Every day I have to remind myself that I’m doing the job for my stepson that his dad couldn’t handle, even on his best day. Its a job that needs to be done.

16

I feel this way, by and large, every damn day. I call Bio Dad “Uncle Dad” because he’s there every other weekend and showers them with gifts and cash, because he can afford it. Meanwhile, I’m housing and feeding and clothing his children with their mother’s help and alimony and he STILL complains that by taking under 10% of his salary, we’re breaking him financially. The man makes $120K a year. He can afford $1000 a month, which doesn’t even cover the mortgage.

Know what I get from my boys? Nothing. I am the last to know about how the school assignments I help with fared, never get any affection unless I give it first, sometimes get to hear that their Dad is SO much more fun because he doesn’t make them do chores. It’s very infuriating. If it weren’t for the fact that I love their mother with everything I am, love being a parent to two of the brightest and funniest and well behaved and creative kids anyone could ask for, I’d let them know that I know about the:
[ol]
[li]Hidden candy wrappers[/li][li]The Google searches for Selena Gomes Boobs[/li][li]The failed test that never seemed to come back home.[/li][li]The broken toys that we said not to break. (Magically fixed it by staying up soldering for hours)[/li][li]The foul language I hear when their Mom isn’t home or is asleep and they are playing downstairs where they think I can’t hear it.[/li][/ol]

but I let it all go, because more than their love, I want them to be decent human beings. So far, it’s working. Oh, and I also taught them how to make Mentos Soda Rockets, but that’s another story for a different day.

17

I’ll second this as well. I’m not a step-parent, but it doesn’t matter whether you’re natural parents, one natural and one step-parent, adoptive parents, blended family, whatever - the grownups in the household have to be on basically the same page and present a unified front to the kids. Period.

18

#gypsies

19

I agree, not healthy. Honestly, I think my husband is just so afraid that if he makes his kids mad, they’ll refuse to have anything to do with him, that he doesn’t call them on stuff. Already happened with the eldest, and not over anything to do with me. The second-born, when told she’s misbehaving or treating people badly, cries and then avoids us (she’s 19). The youngest, 17, is still very much present and does typically say thank you.

We are in counseling, indeed, for a variety of blended family issues. So far it’s not helping, but maybe in time, it will.

20

I guess I’m the only one who thinks its presumptuous that the OP expects an adult of 21+ (who apparently doesn’t get along with biodad either) will make her some kind of priority?

OP, I hate to break it to you, but you’re no kind of mom to the oldest, not even a stepmom. You’re just, “that woman my asshole dad bangs.” You married her father when she was already 18! I doubt you’re even as important to her as her favorite unrelated teacher or coach. Why should you be, honestly?

Step-parents definitely have a tough row to hoe. But you can’t marry into emotional relationships. They have to happen over time, and not nearly enough time has passed yet for the expectations the OP has. Plus, there’s a thick current of “why don’t those damn brats accept my nuturing” in the OP as well.