Share Your Stepparent Tales w/This Stepmom-To-Be!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m inheriting 3 grown children from my boyfriend’s first marriage. Two are girls, and since I have raised only boys myself, it is a very novel idea for me to have girls all the sudden. We have 5 children between us, with my 2 being the youngest but none are REALLY young anymore. Age 16 is the youngest child. Age 26 is the oldest. 4 of the 5 live away from home.

So I’m asking: what stories can you tell me about your combined families, and about your role as a stepparent overall? Is it easier when the kids are all older and won’t need a lot of “maintenance”? Did you take on children of a gender with which you hadn’t had any experience? How did it strengthen your relationship with the SO? With your own kids? With his or hers? What did the relationship with the exes in the situation become? How did the new combination of personalities start out, and then grow with time?

With grown children, how long did it take you to be “accepted” as part of the family? Was it different from having all the children younger?

Gee, I don’t think I am nervous at ALL about this, do you?

Thanking you in advance for what I am sure will be magnificent commentary,
–Beck

2

You honestly do not want to hear any of my stories about my stepmonster. (Yes, it’s very immature of me, but that is how I refer to her)
She arrived in my life when I was already in my 20’s and moved in my with my dad after a very brief courtship (I believe it was 3 months). Suffice it to say I don’t get along with her, nor do my sisters or any other relative. It’s the person, though - not the role.

The one critical piece of advice I can give is do not introduce the girls as “your daughters” or yourself as “their mother”. Of all the terrible, nasty and just plain evil things the stepmonster does, this is the one that gets me the most.

3

My mom married my stepdad when the kids (his daughters, my brother and me) were in high school. My stepsisters didn’t like my mom at first, which was understandable, because their dad was barely divorced when he started dating my mom. By the time The Parents got married, though, we all got along really well. My older stepsister moved out of the house shortly after we all moved in together, but my younger stepsister, my brother and I were all close friends through high school. My younger stepsister and I are still very close friends and roommates. When The Parents got divorced earlier this year, my younger stepsister looked into having my mom legally adopt her to legally cement their mother-daughter relationship. In this case, though, it’s significant that my stepsisters’ mom died of cancer shortly before The Parents got married, and I think that allowed my mom to step into the roll of Mom to an unusual extent (for a stepparent).

My dad remarried just a couple years ago. My brother and I had already moved out of the house at this point. We were convinced that Dad was doomed to be a bachelor-for-life, and we were thrilled when he got married. We both really like our stepmom, although we’re not that close to her (what with living so far away and all), and we’re happy that Dad is happy.

4

No matter what you do, or how you actually feel about the previous wife and kids of the guy you are marrying, do NOT treat them any different than is societially expected at public events. You can badmouth and bitch about them in private all you want, or to your premarital friends …

Why?

When mrAru’s sister got married, his step monster had the balls to come as close to NOT inviting mraru, myself and his natural mother [and the mother of his sister] to any of the wedding preparations and wedding.

StepMonster refused to let mrAru be in the wedding [oh, he wont be able to get the time off to be here, lets not invite him be an usher] and when his sister insisted that he be in the wedding as an usher, at the rehersal dinner the monster conveniently forgot that we would be there, and they had to do a massive reshuffle and disruption at the private room to add an additional table and 3 settings for the brides natural mother, the brides brother and the brides sister in law. the bitch did just about everything except refuse to let us come to the damned rehersal dinner. At the wedding, the pew reserved for mom, mrAru and I was halfway back in the brides family side of the church. At the reception, the bitch refused to acknowledge mom or rob, refused to have either of them in the wedding pictures and refused to let rob make a toast until his sister threw a fit and refused to even come into the reception hall until they were in some of the pictures, and mraru was allowed to make a toast [his sister and brotherinlaw had asked him to make a toast in addition to the best man.]

The rude part? mrAru’s mom was ponying up half the brides traditional cost of the wedding, the bride wore her old dress, the bride was raised by her natural mother, was living with mom, the wedding and all the festivities were in brides home city. The groom was a common friend of mrAru and his sister, all teh people in the wedding were mutual friends, and the damned wedding was held in teh church that mrAru grew up in. NOTHING associated with the wedding was down in Yucaipa, where mrAruinlaw and the bitch from hell live.

ANd FWIW, yes, everybody associated with the chruch and wedding were wondering WTF the bug up the bitches ass was :rolleyes:

Not that I am suggesting that you intend to be the evil stepmother, but do be careful that everybody that knew the original wife will be looking at your behavior through a microscope. If there is a problem, keep it very private.

5

I had to double-check your location to see if you are one of my husband’s daughters.

Two of them hate me (I get along great with the middle one). I don’t believe I deserve it (and, for the record, (1) our courtship was about 7 years, not 3 months, and (2) I never refer to them as “my daughters” or call myself “their mother” - I don’t feel I’m a mother, since I never have been pregnant or have chosen to adopt or rear kids). One of them threatened that the only reason she was coming to our wedding was so that she could “beat me up” at the ceremony. The other one used to be decent to me, until she & her youngest sister tried to manipulate their father by twisting something I’d said, and I stood up & said it was wrong - for some reason she now believes that I lied, and is riding a moral high horse that does not allow her to have anything to do with liars (other than her mother, her sisters, and, well, herself).

I hope your experience is nothing like mine. I love my husband, but I’m not sure I’d choose to marry him again, based on the crap I’ve been dealt by his family.

6

To be brutally honest, I forget I have a stepmother, all the time.

It’s not that we don’t get along, I like her fine. She’s a great person, and makes my dad happy. But since dad started working overseas in the middle east, our relationship has been drifting further and further apart. I see my dad maybe once or twice a year. I see Karen and my half-sister a little bit more often, but only because she lives just down the train line from me. I keep meaning to go and see her, but with my crazy shift work, and the fact that I don’t drive and have to rely on public transport, it just means time slips away and I don’t see them as much as I’d like to. And I’m lazy.

So it’s not that I don’t accept her as part of my family, it’s just that I tend to absentmindedly forget that I even have that part of my family there.

Karen seemed a little apprehensive about us when dad first started getting serious with her. I was sixteen or so, my brother was twelve. We were terrible teens, fighting and arguing and headstrong. But she didn’t ever try to act like a parent, or even a real authority figure. When we were around her, she just treated us like friends, and that really did give me more respect for her than if she had’ve come in all guns blazing.

7

My dad met my stepmother-to-be when I was only four; my parents divorced when I was two. My mom never dated and has not remarried (I’m 21 now), and my dad married my stepmother when I was 11 or 12. When my stepmother first started coming around when we were younger, I was too young to “get” the relationship between her and dad, and didn’t see any reason to not like her. My older sister (by three years) found it harder, though, and harbored some resentment towards her for several years. I didn’t feel resentment towards my stepmother, even when they moved in together - I just saw her as part of going to visit dad. Looking back, this may have been greatly aided by the fact that my mother didn’t say one bad word about my stepmother (didn’t even think it, as far as I know), and how my parents maintained a good relationship through and after their divorce and to this day.

These days, though I don’t live with her, I consider my stepmother very important - I think of her as not just married to my father, but having a relationship with me too. She always was very careful not to infringe on mom’s place in my life, and always referred to herself as my stepmother, never our mother.

Compared to some other stories, I know I have it good with my three parents all being friendly with one another. My stepmother has no children of her own, so that may have made it easier all around.

Good luck with your newly rearranged family.

8

I think that I am blessed with the most crazy, mixed up, step-parent/children relationships around. :slight_smile: I married my husband nearly four years ago, having known him for 7 years at that point. Between us, we have eight children: my two daughters, his two daughters, and his four step-children from his second marriage. Five girls and three boys, altogether.

My daughters knew him well before he became their step-father, because we worked at the same place for around four years. He was still married to #2 at the time. His natural daughters had never met me, but I had seen #2 and all the kids many times. When he told his daughters that he was marrying me, I think I had to undergo some kind of test. Neither of his sisters nor his daughters liked #2. We had moved in together a couple of months when his oldest sister and her husband made a trip in their 5th wheel to see us. I was pretty sure I was being scoped out for the rest of the family, but I seemed to pass the test OK. Then, his younger sister came out for our wedding. As a surprise. I knew when she came into the room where I was dressing and took my picture while I was in my underwear I was really being tested! I just laughed right along, of course! (Nobody ever died of embarrassment, they only wish they had!) I passed that one with flying colors!

A couple months later, we took a trip to see his youngest daughter in Washington state. She had had her first baby soon after we were married. We talked a while, then she dumped Katelynn in my arms. I figured that one was a go, as well! I had to first meet his older daughter by a telephone conversation. She asked me to describe myself. I said, “I’m a short little round woman.” She laughed and then asked me who my favorite Jedi was (hubby had told her that I’m a Star Wars fan deluxe). When I answered “Qui-Gon Jinn” she said I passed her test. :smiley:

However, they really decided to test me the following year: his older daughter was flying out from Florida with her two boys to her mother’s place in Arizona, then was borrowing a car from her mom and driving up to stay with us in Colorado for a week! Her sister was so thrilled, she decided to come down with her husband and baby from from Walla Walla for a visit, also. :eek:

Did I mention that my house is a duplex with just over 1000 square feet? And that the couch we owned at the time would only seat 3 people, had a back leg that collapsed regularly, and was reinforced under the cushions with plywood? And that my dining room table was a 36" round affair with two chairs?

I bought a couch, love seat and new (to us) entertainment center from a friend who was moving for a hundred bucks, and got some cheap patio furniture. We were jammed in like sardines, but everyone had a good time.

Last Sunday, Mother’s Day, I got phone calls from: my oldest daughter, my youngest step-daughter (she said she called me, not her dad, and refused to talk to him on that call), and my step-step-daughter (hubby’s stepdaughter from #2-he raised her and gave her away at her wedding last year while her natural father sat and watched) that I usually call my step-daughter once removed. The Sausage Creature sent a card and stuff from Penzey’s :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: ! My oldest step-daughter had sent a package a couple days earlier that contained a margarita/smoothie maker and two Sudoku books. And she knows her dad doesn’t drink tequila! Gee, honey, maybe these Sudoku books are yours?

What am I trying to say in all this? Keep a sense of humor, be yourself, and make their dad happy. Hopefully, the rest will fall into place.

Good luck with your new role!

9

I didn’t have time to add, in my last post, that my brother and I only ever got along tolerably well with our step-dad. At one point, we agreed that we didn’t really see him as any sort of parental figure, but just “that okay guy who lives with us.” My mom seemed convinced for the longest time that if my stepdad were more outgoing and if he and my brother and I all just “made more of an effort,” we would bond with each other and be all buddy-buddy. I sympathized with my mom wanting the people she loved to be close to each other, but it just wasn’t going to happen. Even if my stepdad had been outgoing and emotionally open, we just didn’t have compatible personalities. Like Sierra Indigo’s stepmom, our stepdad never tried to take on a parental role with us, and I think that’s a big part of what why we got along.

Now that I think of it, my stepmom has never come on very strong, either. So here’s a piece of succinct advice: Don’t work against or criticize his kids, but don’t make a huge effort to get them to like you, either. Just treat them respectfully and let them get to know you.

10

Nope, I’m not :slight_smile: My stepmother is a perfect example of the fact that some people are just jerks. None of us set out to “hate” her - but after years of watching her mistreat everyone around her, from my father, to my stepbrother to random waiters and service people it’s hard not to.

To get back to the OP - the mere fact she is concerned about everything turning out alright suggests to me that she’s not that kind of person. With adult stepchildren it’s probably best to take things slow, and to approach things as you would with a new friend.

11

ALL of these, great advice! I’m so far from the meddling type, that I cannot see that being an issue with me…but on the other hand, I might be considered too far removed at times, like if one of the kids REALLY wants advice. I am loath to advise anyone but my own boys, and this could be a problem. I think the idea to be myself and to retain a sense of humor is the most practical way to go at this point.

“Dad” has been divorced for quite a while, over 6 years, but this 1st marriage which produced all three children lasted some 30 years. BOUND to be some major lingering feelings there. Then Dad got involved for about 4 years with a woman his kids detested, ostensibly because she didn’t want THEM around her own two boys at all, a sure losing position for that poor woman. He seems to think that the fact that I make him happy, after a VERY lonely year and a half, will be enough for the children, but we’ll see. Things are seldom that simple, as you have all attested.

LOVE your story, Cheez_Whia!

And I hope for a better situation than you have, YaWanna. It’s hard enough to make a second long-term situation like that work without the intense hatred from the previous family. My heart breaks for you.

–Beck

12

I don’t know, you should be okay there, since you had no part in the breakup. Quite frankly, the reason my sisters and I hate my stepmother is because she and my dad were having an affair before my parents got divorced (they were married 40 years). Not only am I angry about the role she played in splitting my parents up, I’m afraid she’ll do the same thing to my dad that she’s done to her previous two husbands. I’m quite sure that if my parents had divorced and he had announced a few months or years later that he had found someone, we’d have been thrilled for him. In the same vein, if my mom came to me and said she had a boyfriend, I’d be overjoyed. But it’s about their happiness, not mine. I personally have no real interest in having any more parents or siblings. I have plenty already, and at my age, it seems silly to be starting with that all over again. However, if it would make my mom happy to remarry, I’d support her 100%.

My biggest advice to you would be this: Don’t ever try to come between your husband and his children or say anything bad about them to him. If they feel that you are, you will feel the backlash, I can promise you that.