I love my step-kids, but I pit step-parenting

The BBQ Pit
21

I don’t expect my 22-year-old stepson to make me a priority, no, nor do I ask or force him to accept anything from me. The girls in whose I lives I have been for years and continue to be - no, I don’t expect to be their top priority, either. And yes, I agree, emotional relationships happen over time. I’ve worked hard at building those relationships with my stepkids that were open to them.

I totally reject your interpretation of “why don’t those damn brats accept my nurturing,” however. In fact, with the exception of my stepson, they DO accept love, time, and support from me, DO request all of the same, and DO demand all of the same, just like the kids that were born to me. I expect that. It’s part of the job. And I love them all, born to me or not, as I was careful to make clear in the original post.

It just feels like a kick in the guts when I don’t even merit inclusion, in the humblest way, in the thanks, thoughts, or events of stepkids after becoming deeply attached to them over time and building that relationship.

I’m aware, too, that my stepkids walk a tightrope all the time. Maybe a mark of inclusion, love, or thanks to me feels like a “Screw you!” gesture to their biomom. I can respect that and sympathize with it.

It still hurts to be disrespected, left out, or hurt by a child, born to me or not, even if they have understandable reasons for doing so. And that’s ultimately my point here, not whether I can ‘force my nurturing on those damn brats.’

22

I know this sounds like a simplistic question, but . . . have you told your stepkids this?

“I love you. You matter to me. It would be the world to me if you included me in events like your graduation, if you asked me to be a part of family pictures, and if you would let me know every now and then that I’m doing the right thing as your stepmother.”

What do you think their response would be?

23

“Okay. Then can you drive me/ give me/ find/ fix/ clean/ polish/ pay for …?”

Children are monsters. Vampires. The only thing that keeps them in line is fear of physical pain or of loosing love. For some reason, otherwise wonderful parents don’t seem to grasp this.

Step-parents should remember this, and use it to their advantage. “Yeah, you’re right, I’m not your ‘real’ parent. Take the bus to school. Bus fare? Ask your ‘real’ parent. Already left for work? Hmmm. Sucks to be you.”

(No, my step child does not know I post here. Why do you ask?)

24

I’m widowed, and my husband has been an amazing stepfather to my son, and that kid worships the ground he walks on. Stepdad is clearly the favorite parent, and I am so lucky and grateful that it’s going so well.

But I don’t believe for a second that my kid owes some sort of obligation to the dude I’m banging. He helps with my kid, and it’s MY job to show appreciation for that. Not the kid’s. He had no say in the matter.

So, I don’t think the kids are remiss here. They shouldn’t owe you anything because their dad repartnered. But your husband? He sucks.

25

That deserves a handshake Munch.

:: Shakes Munch’s hand ::

26

No, not really. If you find that to be the case, then YOU seem to have failed as a parent, and it sucks to be your kid.

27

glad to hear you are in counseling. hope the counselor makes it clear to your husband that you & he are supposed to be a team. because you are.

I wish you all the best & hope the rant made you feel better. it isn’t fair, is it?

28

Reported.

29

Seconded.

My kid is here because, well, I wanted a kid. Last I checked, he didn’t get a whole lot of say in the matter. I made the decision to raise him rather than sell him to the circus 'cause I love him and I wanted him around.

I don’t see how I can expect him to thank me for something I wanted to do and he never asked for.

30

TLDR

the most important thing is doing your best to help them learn to be quality people. if they turn out quality then take some of the credit.

somethings happen where bioparents get higher priority. this is an all depends. the parents can’t get along and yet the kids are still theirs. attachment to the kids at significant life evens should be allowed for biorelations; it might be hard for you to miss on graduation tickets but they might only get two.

be there for the quality and maybe not get all the glory.

31

Because part of your job is to teach your kid to be a reasonable member of society and a huge part of getting along in this world is showing appreciation for things that are done for you. I don’t care if it’s a parent, a step parent or the crazy lady who lives next door to Flatlined, if someone does something for you say Thank you. Do something nice for them. Say nice things where they can hear.

My kids have two step parents and have had since they were tiny. When they were being taught to appreciate things that were done for them step parents were not specificially included but if they had tried to exclude them there would have been hell to pay.

32

Appreciate all the perspective from all different viewpoints; thanks to all who weighed in. Y’all gave me many things to consider.

Yes, thanks, the rant did make me feel a bit better. :slight_smile:

33

Oh, no, no, no, no, no - I don’t get the blame for the work of four people, two of whom contributed actual genes and stimulus during critical developmental stages, that’s not how it works.

You may have missed the critical point that I had no say in the matter, either. I am a step-parent. The circus was not interested.

My step-child and I love each other. We gave each other a lot. I was never a door-mat, but I certainly felt unappreciated sometimes. Eventually, I found out I was wrong. (Or, at least, that I was retroactively appreciated.)

34

Of course you did. No one forced you to marry someone with a kid. Of the three of us in this household, my child is the only one who wasn’t able to consent to the arrangement. Last I checked, the other two were adults who took our vows and moved our crap in of our own volition.

And, to the poster who mentioned the whole teaching gratefulness thing, of course we do. But, while I expect my child to say thank you when his stepdad fixes a toy or takes him to the park, I didn’t expect him to accept my husband as a parent right away, or ever. You can be respectful to someone while maintaining emotional distance.

35

No, my kid is here because some one else wanted a kid.

The only responsibility I have for that child being this world is basic self control and respect for the law.

36

There is your problem, right there. He is their father and one of the two primary influences in their lives. If he doesn’t use that now when he can he won’t get another chance, and he’ll be lamenting how his kids ever got to be as feckless as they are.

Many parents think that if they don’t coddle their kids, if they’re not ‘nice’ and don’t accede to the kids’ every whim, don’t be their best friends, they’ll lose their love.
I don’t know how we got there but this is 180 degrees from the case. Kids crave love but also crave rules, guidelines, for life. This is precisely why they struggle against rules - not in resentment for the rules’ existence but in order to determine where they are, since in western society we decline to make it explicitly clear.

Show your love for your (or your partner’s kids) every day but do not indulge them - if you do you are only teaching them that stuff will fall out of the sky for them every day and they have no need to try, to strive, to work for it. Look after them when they are sick (of course!) but do not pamper them, you are only rewarding them and risk encouraging learned helplessness as a life-tactic. Giving kids what they (think they) want is a poor lesson. Give them what they need but show them how to earn what they want - soon enough they’ll discern that they only wanted it momentarily, not enough to actually work for it, or they will only get it after appropriate effort and will themselves then feel it well-earned.

37

So, you don’t think you made a commitment to the kid when you married his/her parent?

38

I get what you are saying, but if the kids are too adult to establish a familial relationship with the OP, then they are adult enough to recognize that their father has married this woman and that they are a social unit.

Surely stepparents–even ones that come along late in life–deserve to be treated at least as well as in-laws? If someone’s mother-in-law only ever invited her son to family events, not his wife, or never included his wife in family pictures because she wasn’t family, I think you’d agree if was pretty sorry behavior–not because the mother-in-law needs to love her son’s wife, but she needs to accept that marriage is not the same as “some woman he’s banging”. You wouldn’t tell the frustrated daughter-in-law that “not nearly enough time has passed”.

39

Being excluded from in law obligations is like a dream come true for me. But yes, like MIL new-bride it’s a relationship made by marriage which is, more often than not, awkward and uncomfortable for the first couple of years. Unlike it, the children had no part in choosing to enter a family that included the OP. As others have said, the responsibility for setting the tone does not lie with the children, it lies with the adults, especially the father.

Moreover, re: the younger teen kids, the OP needs to climb down off her cross about how hurt her widdle feelings are by those mean, mean ungrateful teenagers. Teenagers are usually ungrateful to everyone, I suspect the OP is by no means the sole recipient of their ingratititude.

40

Yeah, I know someone in this boat. Add in a liberal dose of “Oh noes, I screwed up my kids’ lives so must make it up to them now”. And she’s a very conflict-avoidant person, so she just goes along with it.

Result? Well, aside from the thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars that should have gone towards retirement or college funds, but have been spent on two twenty-somethings who can’t be bothered to support themselves…

She and her younger child are currently living in fear of the drug addict thief that she’s not allowed to kick out of her house. Because no matter how badly the kid acts, he must be handed whatever he wants.

Yeah, that’s gonna turn out well.