My relationship is suffering terribly...and it's all because of my stepdaughter!!!

First of all, she is a totally disrespectful little twit. She has no concept of the impact that her hurtful, hateful words have on other people. She has absolutely no idea that her father is about this close to shutting her out completely. She is a user. She is a liar. She is cunning and sneaky. She is oblivious to the fact that it is unacceptable for her to speak to adults in the way that she routinely does. She is rude and destructive…and I am forced to listen to and deal with her constant abusive bullshit.

Her mother doesn’t give a damn about what she does or where she goes or who she’s with, which translates to “cool” in my stepdaughter’s book. Meanwhile, her dad tries to counsel her on her grades and the importance of an education. He meets with every one of her teachers throughout the school year, attends all school functions, speaks to the principals and counselors on a regular basis, etc. And all bio-mom can say (in front of my stepdaughter) is, “So what if she gets C’s…that’s all I ever got and look at me…I am a nurse now!” Whoa, big help there bio-mom!!!

I just told her dad that I cannot take it much longer. It’s tough on him, truly. But it’s one thing to have to deal with it and quite another to have to listen to it and be subjected to it with no real power to combat it. Her dad talks about giving her consequences for her actions (and NON-actions), but when it comes to the actual carrying out of the consequences, he is weak.

Example: The deal was, if she got any–any–C’s on this last report card, she was going to be forced to stay with her dad, stay off the phone, banned from the internet, and she had to bring home some sort of work to review from one of three chosen subjects. She got a C. Well, so far, she has been on the phone, glued to the computer, allowed to stay with her mother for two nights this week, and has not done any review for the past three days! And, I am apparently not allowed to offer any solutions or opinions until he is finally fed up whereupon I am accused of not being supportive and being difficult. Apparently, “it’s too complicated a situation” for me to get involved in.

I could scream

How old is she?

Oh, and hi to a fellow NM resident.

The bottom line is that she has to WANT to do good at school. Getting mad at her wont help this. You need to try to get on their side, form common ground, let them see things from your perspective. Then let them make the choice rationally, in front of you.

Other than insisting she speak to you respectfully IMO you really need to stay out of the academic end of it. I have a 12 year old and a 16 year old kids (I am a divorced bio dad) and sometimes (like now with my son) it’s been like pulling teeth to get them to perform to their potential. If there were my step kids I might even be somewhat more hesitant to press the performance issue as hard as I do with them. What helped my daughter was cutting off the internet 100% (she went from C’s and D’s to A’'s and B’s) , and one on one tutoring with my son is the only thing that can keep him on track which I take several hours out of my workday to do each week.

Getting “tough” with a disaffected child who has no interest in “getting with the program” is extraordinarily difficult and is generally a losing battle. Sometimes it’s best to let them stew. Intervening when a child wants help is another matter entirely.

As the “other women” the daughter may focus blame on you for her world being turned topsy turvy by her parents divorce. Sometimes we need to look at things from the child’s perspective in these situations. The daughter may seem a twit to you but the divorce and your re-marriage has shattered the stability of her home and she most likely blames you to some degree for that and may be acting out because of that. To her it may seem that you have taken her daddy and her home away.

IMO there is nothing to be gained and much to be lost by sticking your nose deeper into this situation. Other than requiring that she speak to you respectfully you need to withdraw from this contest of wills and let your husband fight his own battle on this one.

I second everything that Astro posted, which is right on target, IMO. The only comment I wanted to make was that the consequences for getting Cs seems to be a bit unbalanced, and she only got one C; perhaps if your husband could find one thing and focus on that-i.e., total ban from the internet, or total ban from the phone. I have a 15 yo son who gets As in Algebra II, yet is probably getting a D in English, and I haven’t yet found what works on motivating him to work up to his potential in that subject.

BTW I missed the “any C’s” part in my first read of your OP. While it may make your husband feel better to insist on this standard, in real world terms to let the punishment hammer fall for one C is playing petty power games , and if these are the kind of silly draconian games he’s playing I’m starting to understand the daughter’s negative attitude toward him a little better.

I second that, astro. It’s difficult to pull all of one’s shit together immediately and all at the same time.

The father obviously cares deeply about his daughter. As long as you are married to him, she will be part of his life and yours – unless, of course, she shuts him out. That would be very hard on your husband.

There are more important things in life than being an above average student. (I am a retired teacher.) But the father has to be the one who sets the standard and decides what the consequences are. But it is very crucial that he be consistent in disciplinary actions. And he needs to understand that since they are his rules, he has to either back you up or change the standard.

You are the adult. She is acting like a brat. Part of her rebellion is “her job.” I don’t envy you. It’s hard enough being a parent, but very difficult being a step-parent. (I am one.) Any disrespect shown to you should have immediate consequences. Then allow her to talk about her feelings without interruption.

I am interested both in her age and in how long you have been married to her father. These relationships with step-families take a lot of time.

Are you going with the father to meet the teachers and to attend school events? That helps to show a united front. So would unplugging the phone and the computer.

Do a search on the internet for “assertive behavior” and “aggressive behavior.” Discipline yourself to be assertive rather than aggressive in your responses to the daughter (and to your husband.)

Arrange rewards for appropriate behavior.

You can’t control anyone but yourself. You can unplug the computer. You can shut the phones off. You can refuse to play her game. Don’t give her control over what you are feeling.

I’m sorry that you are hurting. Have a place that you can go to be alone (within the house) – to get away from everyone.

What Astro said.

My parents used to bug the shit out of me about grades. I can tell you from personal experience, that that approach can be counterproductive.

I guess they finally worked that out, or at least one of them did and silenced the other, and they stopped bugging me about it.

That removed the “nag” factor, and allowed me to just get on with it. That helped a lot, because there was just no way that I was going to be told what to do by my parents.

So I finished school, got the grades I wanted, and got a cadetship (i.e. was employed by a company that paid me a salary and paid my tuition fees while I studied full time at university).

A couple of months into uni, my mother says “You could have gotten better grades if you’d tried harder”. She’s lucky I didn’t have a weapon close at hand, I swear I could have killed her. The response that immediately came to mind was “What the fuck would have been the point of that? I’m doing exactly what I what to do. Be happy with that, or at least shut the fuck up about it!” Even though I’d performed fantastically well, she still wasn’t satisfied, apparently. But I didn’t say anything to her, I just wrote her off as a complete fool for a couple of years.

I know I’m not a perfect parent myself, but that’s one area where I try very hard with my own children. Support, encouragement, and non-interference wherever possible.

That’s absolutely ridicolous.

and it’s** all** because of your stepdaughter, you say?

I do think that whole punishment is rather harsh for one C. But, the part that is really bothering me is the “forced to stay with her dad”.

Why is it a good idea to prevent the girl from seeing her Mother if she makes a C? You may think that her mother is too permissive but I am sure that she sees you as too harsh. Unless the Mother is dangerous then the child needs to be able to spend time with her. And, not getting to spend time at your Mother’s house is never an acceptable punishment.

My advice is to ignore her.

The one thing she seems to be screaming out for with her difficult behaviour is attention. And as the child of a broken home, it is not hard to see why this might be the case.

However she is clearly a young teenager at least, ie not a six year old. So she needs to learn to act in a more adult why. If and when she tones her behaviour down you can communicate sympathy and support to her.

Until then, my advice would be to let your husband deal with it, and ignore her. You seem to be in the difficult situation that many step-parents are in (I am not one, but have friends who are, and have seen many such threads on here) where you are in a position of parenthood, but are not afforded the same respect or authority of a (biological) parent.

So tell your husband it’s not a case of being unsupportive, but a case of her father being the one who should be imposing discipline until she is able or willing to show you the respect you are owed an an adult, as a step-parent, and as a human-being.

What a sad story. You may have a point, particularly about following through when consequences are laid out, but a child who has a step parent that considers her a “user”, a father about to “shut her out” and a mother who “doesn’t give a damn” is my greater concern.

If the 4 of you follow this path, you are going to be able to point to her one day and honestly say, “See, I knew she wouldn’t amount to anything.”

A kid that doesn’t enjoy unconditional love (accepting that this does not equal enabling bad behavior) from caregivers, biological or otherwise, has my sympathy.

Her parents were divorced when she was less than a year old. I doubt that her behavior is so much related to the “pains of divorce” as it is that she is an over-indulged Daddy’s girl.

The “forced to stay with her dad” part is really her perception of the situation. Sorry for the misunderstanding. She is not locked up in the basement or anything. It seems to be terribly disturbing for her if her friends are not right down the street. Plus, since her father is the only one of the two bio-parents that gives a crap what she does with her time, it really is the best place for her to be.

I agree with you there, but it seems that my position in this faulty arrangement has been reduced to staying out of the actual discipline phase of the operation and dealing with the aftermath of her disgust and rebellion on my own when he is working nights.

Do you believe in that whole idea that one must love and respect oneself before one can love and respect others? I have seen evidence that her problems are that deep. (I mean, besides her being a teenager and all that…:))

Joey Ramone said it best:

Beat on the brat
Beat on the brat
Beat on the brat with a baseball bat!

My whole opinion of her is not that she is a “user.” That is the behavior pattern she most often exhibits. Her father doesn’t want to “shut her out.” The mom’s complacency and permissiveness make it extremely difficult for him to accomplish anything, so he wonders if he has no other choice but to give up. For now, the general “don’t give a damn” method of parenting that her mother employs is just fine with the girl because that means she can do whatever she wants. That probably won’t be a damaging thing until much later in her life.

This is not a path we have chosen to follow because we are lazy. We are being led down this path by a girl who has figured out the differences between her parents’ two opposing methods of child-rearing, and she has used those differences to her advantage. Whenever both parents are discussing anything related to the importance of school, the mom never hesitates to blurt out that she was a mediocre student at best. This is translated in a 13-year-old’s mind as, “Gee whiz, mom didn’t care when she was in school, and she’s a nurse [not an RN] now! All I have to do is get C’s and I can succeed like my mom did [after 30 years of working in unskilled labor jobs before attending school].”(Did I mention that her mother has bad-mouthed me on a regular basis so that her daughter now feels as though she is privy to some dark secret and can now flaunt her distaste for me to my face?)

As for the unconditional love part, she has that. She doesn’t think she wants it. She doesn’t want to do anything right now that isn’t talking on the phone to her best friend, listening to Christina Aguilera (who is “sooooo cool”), and "talk"ing to random friends on the internet. The love is there. The caring is there. She needs to learn to be open to it.

A couple things, ceyjen, and I really intend this to be constructive and not accusatory, so I hope that is how it is taken:

A dad who has considered giving up is not fulfilling his charter as a parent. That is not unconditional love, and I really hope this was said out of anger and frustration and it is not the reality.

Children are manipulative, so it sucks that she has the chance to play the complacent mother against you, but two (or three) adults should not be led down any path by the child they are raising. You are the adult, and if you are taking her lead, throw down the yoke right this minute.

Even when you do everything right, there are some children that just cannot be reached, but no parent should ever despair that they have drawn this lot. I’ve seen it happen, and the parents supported and fought for the child right up to the bitter end.

… and I don’t think you have such a child. Go give mom a good verbal bitch-slapping (and dad too if he can’t get onboard) and charge the pickets again with renewed vigor.

Like many others here, I must agree with the advice dispensed by Astro. In addition, however, I would like to emphasize one sentence posted by Zoe:

While this is not as easy as it sounds, you are giving her power to control your response and mood. Even if you can’t immediately get over your anger/frustration/(whatever), at least don’t let it show.

Trying to force a teenager’s behavior is generally a losing proposition. If neither the mother nor father is capable of applying appropriate discipline, you are setting yourself up for failure to intervene.

And I hate to sound like Dear Abby, but I would suggest group/family counseling. It sounds to me like like alot of manipulative behaviors and abusive treatment, and a professional counselor can help in keeping the communication on a level playing field.

I really appreciate all of the feedback.

Being a stepchild myself, I thought I could just refer to my own upbringing. I figured I could draw guidance from the actions taken by my own stepmother and dad, but I found out quickly that just because their methods worked for me in the long run (I wasn’t the most well-behaved child in the world, if you can believe it ;)), they may not necessarily work for my own step-situation.

I was becoming intensely annoyed and frustrated that I seemed to have no point of reference to help me solve this problem…

I know you’re frustrated, but one thing I notice in your messages is a dismissal of what your step-daughter thinks is important. Seeing her friends easily and often is likely very important to her, and should not be brushed aside. Being dismissive of what she thinks is important in favor of what you think is important will likely only make her defensive and combative, which is not a good situation for either of you. You don’t have to try to be her best friend, but try to take her opinions and preferences into account as much as possible when discussing this stuff with her.

I think astro’s advice was very good. Insist that she not be rude or disrespectful to you, but try to stay out of the rest of it. Also, try to achieve super-human patience and calm when dealing with her rudeness – if you talk to her like an adult, you’ll get a lot farther than if you end up screaming right back at her. Much easier said than done, of course. :slight_smile: