My relationship is suffering terribly...and it's all because of my stepdaughter!!!

The BBQ Pit
21

You seem to have forgotten that C technically means “average”. not bad, not awful. Average. Which means she’s up there with 50% of the country, if you base it on a bell curve. While you don’t see any parents gloating about their child being average, it still deserves mentioning. I got two Cs in high school - in pottery and beginning drawing :stuck_out_tongue: - my only Cs since gym in elementary school. My parents always told me Cs were OK, little low, but OK. I got a C+ in Spanish last year (freshman college), but my parents were totally supportive. It made all the difference.

that said, rules are a good thing, but compromise is too. and I’m not condoning any of the rest of her actions in the OP.

/Shadez

22

Perhaps I have unwittingly led you to believe that I have anything to do with what punishment is levied against her. It was not my idea to punish her for one C. I was an “average” student, so a small amount of my resentment for the over-emphasis on my grades during my own childhood seeps in and causes me to stick up for her a lot of the time. It was her father’s decision. I am just along for the ride. Remember, I am not a real parent, just a “step” below ;)…

23

Another thing-it could just be that she’s thirteen. I was an absolute terror when I was thirteen. It’s puberty. PMS. Hormones. That sort of thing.

I agree, if it’s only ONE C, that’s pretty harsh. What did she get a C in? I mean, if she got As and Bs and then one C, that’s a pretty damn good report card.

I also would try to be more sympathetic, but let her know that you will NOT put up with her talking back to you. She may be your STEP-daughter, but she is also a minor, and you are an adult.

And when she IS behaving, try to get to know her better. You don’t have to be her pal, but you should be supportive.

24

…to continue…

What bothered me about the whole punishment (for the “one C” thing) was that dad said that certain things would be taken away. Then when the time came to take those things away, he was lax about his enforcement of it.

How does that affect me? Well, I will walk by her room, notice that she is on the phone, and ask dad if she is allowed to be on the phone. I am never fully briefed on exactly what the deal is, yet I am right in the middle of it.

I have to ask if she is allowed to do certain things like a babysitter would do. It’s demeaning. I have stepped into the role of “household tattle-teller” without meaning to. I think that my stepdaughter knows that this goes on, and it gradually chips away at my credibility with her until she sees us as equals…

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so harsh as to say that “…it’s all because of my stepdaughter.” Maybe it’s more like “…it’s all because of my stepdaughter’s father’s disciplinary weaknesses.”

25

Reading the sentiment in the title of this thread would pretty much destroy any chance of a good relationship with a stepmother, for me.

Now, I understand that the specific words were not used to the young lady in question, but it chills my heart to hear it even here. If your relationship is having problems, they are your problems. If she is a problem for you, you have another problem altogether.

On the behavior management issue, incremental reward for incremental improvement is more likely to alter the behavior than total punishment for partial lack of success. Never miss an opportunity to reward the behavior you wish to encourage. So, when you say she got a C, that means she got a bunch of other grades that were not C’s. So, reward those grades, and make plans to work on the one C, in order to assure more rewards in the future.

Timely and unstinting positive schedule reward for the behavior you wish to have repeated is the most effective, and kindest, type of behavioral modification you have under your control.

Tris

26

I’ve read the original post and I’m not sure what the problem is exactly. You’ve made a few more statements, some of which are contradictory.

So I gotta ask: what are you really upset about? Is it really that she got one C, or isn’t treating you with respect, or that you are not allowed to intervene?

Maybe half the problem is her, and the other half is how you are reacting to it. Or what you think this situation means for your life.

(From what I’ve read here, I think you’re over-reacting. The situation is not perfect, but it is not terrible. Uncurable pain is terrible – but this situation is worrisome at worst. If you need to scream, you know that could get the anguish out of your system – just don’t scream AT someone. After you’ve had a good scream, maybe you’ll have a little relief).

I dunno, I think you have to look more at yourself and see why this is so upsetting to you. It sure sounds like your own history and memories are part of this somehow.

27

First of all, I think punishing a child for getting 1 C and the rest higher is going WAY overboard. Those grades are not that bad. Sure, bio-dad wants them higher but they’re not. To get worked up over this is going way overboard IMO. Expressing concern and wanting them higher, yes but punishment, and so extreme?

Second, any step-mom (or step-dad) that has to deal with a live-in step-kid on a half time or less basis gets little sympathy from me. Try dealing with a step-kid whose getting D’s and F’s, ditching school and a bad attitude FULL TIME. Those step-parents are the ones my sympathy is for! :smiley:

Third, ceyjen, you are in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation. If you interfere, you are a evil, naggy step-parent. If you stand back, you are an evil-uncaring-step-parent.

You can’t win. Realize this. You will never be the ‘mom’ and the child will never consider you the ‘mom’. If you get old, alone and need help, the child (now adult) will say “She’s not my mom!” and will not help or visit. You are not family. Never will be. You will be tolerated so long as bio-dad is around. If he dies or leaves, you will be an unwelcome stranger. If the bio-dad dies, the children and relatives will be angry if you get any of the marital assets thinking it belongs to them and not you, the non-family stranger. Careful, because bio-dad may feel the same way and want to leave them his share of the marital assets instead of you in his will!

Even though the above is true, you will be expected to sacrifice your retirement, time, energy and quality of life for your step-kid. Help pay for a car, college etc. You will get no credit for this sacrifice and will look sooooo evil if you express anything but enthusiasm for your sacrifice.

Needless to say, I recommend anyone thinking of becoming a step parent, especially full-time, to think twice. If, after thinking twice, you still want to do it, think a third time.

I’m sure there are good step-parent/child relationships but, in general, they are usually not-so-good. Heck, many parent-child relationships are not-so-good! :wink:

My advice, FWIW, is to back off. Be a positive person and put a positive spin on things but do not be dragged into the swamp.

If you are accused of being uncaring doing this then talk with your husband that you have no power in this situation. You have no mommy-authority and feel uncomfortable trying to change someone’s behavior when you have no authority. Tell him you love him but what he is asking is much and you are not comfortable with trying to discipline but have no parent authority. Not the best solution but helps your sanity.

If bio-dad and her argue and storm their separate ways, go talk with the daughter. Do not try to parent, just talk. Try to explain why you think bio-dad is acting the way he is/what his concerns are and why so she can try to understand his motivations. Take her out one-on-one and talk without trying to be a parent. Not a friend, just a concerned/interested in her adult.

Yup, I’ve been there. Not sure I’m the best model to follow but made it through a difficult time and helped mother/son get through a difficult time also.

28

How do you come to this conclusion? A ‘C’ for some students would be evidence of extreme apathy; a major accomplishment for others. It’s all relative, and it’s the parent’s job to decide what is realistic.

29

Waverly,

Parents have expectations for their children. That is good. However, to punish a child like mentioned in the OP for getting a C and the rest higher is way out of line IMO.

Yes, the child might be apathetic but she is getting I’m guessing a B average. This is not horrible.

30

I think you are missing the point. There are kids who can get straight ‘A’s’ without opening a book. If a parent had one child like this, and one who was struggling to pass, would a “one ‘C’ is no big deal" policy apply? Hell no, the ‘A’ student is slacking off and should be called on it, while the struggling student might need some praise.

This ‘C’ is average mentality ignores that the child might not be exactly average. Not to mention that few parents want their child to have average success, average income, meet an average mate… Half of us can’t point to Korea on a map, does this also get the parental seal of approval?

31

I wonder…my own relationship with my stepmother was civil at best and a battle at the worst. I used to tell my friends that I hated her. We were probably the worst combination of people to ever be in a step-family arrangement. I was a terrible student. I made terrible grades. I was grounded for much of my early teen years because of that and my general disobedience. I was disrespectful, spoiled, etc. She was a strict disciplinarian (with my father’s full participation and approval, which probably made it worse for me to deal with at that age).

When I turned 18, I was told by both my dad and my stepmother that they realized they could no longer wield any power over my decisions and all that “you are an adult now” stuff. Soon after that, I realized all of the beneficial habits I had cultivated were because of her influence.

Now, she is no longer married to my dad. They have been divorced for about 7 or 8 years now. She was even re-married for a short time. I am in constant contact with her. I’m going to visit her in a week or so, as a matter of fact.

I still remember all of the problems we had; and once in a while I get worked up about it, but on the whole, I recognize that she has been a powerfully positive influence on me. I am better equipped for life because of her “intervention” in my life.

This is why I think there has to be a better way to deal with my current situation…I keep thinking that my stepmom would have come up with a great solution (she is really good at stuff like that). I’ll probably ask for some advice when I see her…she’s been in the trenches

32

This doesn’t really seem like a problem with your step-daughter - she’s acting the way you would expect a 13 year old to act.

I think the problem is with your husband not backing you up. Laying down the law and then reneging on it. Putting you in the middle of a bad situation. He’s the one you should be annoyed with, not your step-daughter.

I think you need to readjust your thinking. You married a man with baggage. Now you need to work out how you’re going to deal with that baggage. I would suggest that, given the fact that the baggage in question is a 13 year old girl, as opposed to, say, a steamer trunk, a little more compassion than you showed in your OP would be in order. You’re step-daughter is acting they way that would be expected. Your reaction to her is what is going to determing the outcome of your relationship.

33

I am not the one who got so upset about the C. It was her father. He set out to punish her for the C. It was just an example of how he “allows” her to continue in this “spoiled brat” routine by designing a disciplinary procedure and failing to adhere to it. But that is a whole different discussion.

I am probably most upset about the lack of respect. However, I use the word “respect” loosely. I talked to her once and I told her that as far as “respect” goes, no one can be forced to respect someone merely because of their age or station in life. Rather, people must earn a certain amount of respect from others. In the meantime, all I expect is what I am entitled to: politeness. I would expect that from someone I accidentally bumped into (“Oh, excuse me.”) I should damn well get it at home, but I often do not.

I am also bothered a bit about the “non-intervention” policy, but that, too, may have to come with time.

34

I agree. I would never actually say those things to her face. I understand that she is 13, and that no matter how tough she acts, she is still a girl with feelings…

I’m still a mom, I’m just not her mom.

35

Nope, I doubt very much that ceyjen’s reactions are what are going to determine the outcome of the relationship. It is what her husband does that will determine the outcome of the relationship. BTDT, nearly broke the marriage.

Back off. Be very calm and pleasant and uninvolved. Tell your husband what you are doing. But in my books stepchildren are not owed unconditional love from stepparents. Parents owe that but if a stepchild is repeatedly shitting on a stepparent and bio-parents don’t address that, well they get to take the consequences. Treat her like a room-mate. Don’t tell your partner if you catch her on the phone.

I did what I felt was right for my conscience WRT my dsd. We didn’t fund university for her, we didn’t buy her a car but we wouldn’t have done that for our biokids given our financial circumstances at the time. If she had made one iota of effort to treat me pleasantly and not as an invader in her space in 10 years, then things might have been different. Now we live in different countries and I get the pleasure of her ringing about once a year and being stunningly rude to me on the phone. Next time she rings and says is my father there, I’m planning to point out she is 22 years old and she knows better than to pretend I am an answering service.

36

Jeez! You have a great resource like that and you come here for advice?! My God woman, get thee to her now and ask her! Please note that she had something you don’t – support from her husband.

It’s really great you still have contact with her. That is not the norm from my experience. Question. If she found herself old, alone and in trouble would you help support her or care for her?

My approach saved my marriage but wasn’t as much help for the step-son. It concerns me that you mention/infer that it is causing marital trouble for you. I seriously considered leaving my wife when I was in a similar situation so I emphathize. The marriage can be great again once the storm passes but the temptation to leave the ship can be tempting.

I hope things work out for you. Get thee to your step-mom quickly!

37

I’m not so sure about this advice. We are talking about a child here, and not a freeloading sister-in-law, right? Or did I miss something?

Call me crazy, but the bio-dad probably didn’t pull a daughter out of his pocket the day after the wedding. This is something you go into with eyes wide open, and if you don’t think you can give that child love, you acknowledge that the child’s well being is more important than your own and move on.

38

That’s all real nice and all and I’m sure you actually believe it…

However,

A person may go into it eyes wide open but they do not really know what they are getting into. They have absolutely no concept. They may think they do but they usually have no clue. Also, since a child is involved, any less-than-enthusiastic-embracing-of-sacrifice is considered being an evil step-parent. Any consideration of self is considered being an evil step-parent. The parent may complain but you may not because then you are an evil step-parent. You are held up to a real high standard of behavior and sacrifice but will receive very little, if any, praise or reward of any sort for this.

On top of it, if you do not measure up to this high level people will quickly and enthusiastically tell you that you entered this with eyes wide open and so you have nothing to complain about and so should shut up.

That is why I recommend anyone thinking about becoming a step parent think about three times or more. Talk to people that have done it and listen.

39

I think there might be room to wedge my own armchair in here …[sub]::grunts and furniture-dragging sounds::[/sub]…there. I think the above point could stand to be highlighted. Here is my theory, and keep in mind exactly what you’ve paid for it:

Kids are rarely actually dumb. Adults who dismiss the depth of kids’ feelings and thoughts about things generally, I think, have forgotten what it was like to be one. They’ve depth aplenty–what they lack is skills with coping with feelings and expressing them. (And many adults aren’t as particularly developed as they’d like to think.)

The particular highlighted bit is twofold:

1: The stated punishment for a single C may or may not be arbitrary and excessive (I’m inclined to suspect it is, as well). But moreso than that, it appears that way, and will especially appear that way to any nominally-smart kid who’s outgrown accepting the “because I say so!” reason. (I think most outgrow it far faster than their parents outgrow their expectations that it is enough.)

That’s fold one, and it’s going to cause problems all by itself.

2: Stated consequences don’t happen. This just compounds everything–not only, in the kid’s eyes, is dad unfair, arbitrary, and inscrutable in his expectations, he is also ineffective at them. The boundaries are made of jello. Part of growing up is testing boundaries, geting angry at bouncing off the firm ones, and learning to cope with that hurt and anger, and then learning why they were there in the first place. Sounds like she’s got boundaries that aren’t firm, are there for what appears to be inconsistent and unfair reasons, and that she can walk right through.

So, er, yeah. Not a good recipe, and I suspect it’ll get worse before it ever gets better unless dad pulls his shit together and makes a dedicated effort to promote your place in family. That he hasn’t yet…well, I’m a cynic, ignore that.

That’ll be zero dollars. In fact, here’s a couple cents.

Good luck.

40

I have no experience with stepchildren or stepparents, but I just wanted to interject with an opinion on the “C”. I did get grounded for having one “C” on my report card and with good reason - I had the potential to be a straight A student, but I was lazy and my parents knew this. I would get a C because I didn’t do my homework, not because I was ‘average’. So one C was grounds for punishment, and I completely understand that now (although I was always pissed when I was in school). But my brother, who really did work hard in school and had a learning disability, would get Cs and they were praised - and he was and is smart, too, but not book smart.

Ava