I think I'd like to kill my stepson

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m in something of a quandry with my stepson, and I’d like some fresh views on the situation. Perhaps the combined wisdom of the SDMB can help.

He is 16 years old. He is a role playing gamer, a Monty Python-quoting introvert, and, in all ways, the quintessential geek (he’d fit in here like nobody’s business). He and I have very, very littlie in common except his mother - who I love with all my heart and soul. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I would not do for this woman (as some of you may recall, we got married in November. We’ve been seeing each other for four years).

My wife was married to her former husband for 17 years. My stepson still lives with his father, who he idolizes (I know the man only slightly and have never uttered a word (harsh or otherwise) about him in my stepson’s presence). Since their divorce, my stepson has treated his mother like a complete and utter shit. He only begrudingly speaks to her, comes to our house for dinner and then sulks at the table, speaks in monosyllables, and can’t wait to get back to his house so he can do whatever the hell it is he does there. My wife and he once had a a very close relationship, and this is causing my wife no end of grief. He is very quick to call and ask her to take him shopping (he is 16 and has no interest in getting his driver’s license, has never had a job, and, evidently, is not required to perform any sort of chores around his dad’s house) or if he otherwise wants something from his mother, but he, in all other ways, has shut her out of his life. Understandably, she is really heart sick about this.

Now to my issue - I am really beginning to loathe this kid. I cannot abide the way he treats my wife. He is the most ungrateful, lazy, irresponsible piece of fungus I think I’ve ever encountered. Last night my wife was in tears because he told her that he refused to come to Easter dinner, even though we had planned it well in advance and had made some fairly substantial efforts. She knows my feelings on the subject (she asked, I answered in an honest, straightforward way). To see her in tears and so upset is very difficult for me - being male, I want to be able to fix everything (even when there isn’t any problem for me to fix).

Any ideas? Thoughts? It is becoming increasingly difficutlt for me to grin, bear it, and be hospitable on those occasions when he graces us with his lumpy self.

2

No kids and never been divorced, so take this for what it’s worth.

Is it possible he’s feeling resentful about her “betrayal” of his father when she married you? He might’ve had hopes that they would remarry, and he’s angry at her for marrying someone else. If that’s the case, it’s possible a therapist might help him.

It’s also possible that the father is making unflattering remarks in his son’s presence that are coloring his perception of his mother. If that’s the case, Mom & Dad probably need to have a private meeting and discuss the importance of not forcing the son to split his loyalties.

Could the father be having the same problems with the son? Maybe the boy has other, unrelated problems (drugs, romantic entanglements, school) and is taking it out on everyone.

3

Teenagers can be complete and utter shits. Rude and selfish, the world is centered around them and what they want or need- this is not unusual in the teenage years.

My dad claims his teens (6 of 'em) all turned subhuman around 13, 14 or 15, and didn’t turn human again until 23, 24, or 25.

My best advice it to TRY to not take it personally. You can’t make others behave the way you want and will only become more frustrated if you try. My dad said “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”

Good luck.

4

I think that’s the route to go. It’s possible he’s being an utter sh*t to his father, too; he may just be a Teenage Jerk. But your wife and her ex have to discuss this.

5

I so feel your frustration. I have 3 stepchildren that I don’t like and a husband I adore. I know he loves his kids. I know they can’t help the situation but I honestly and truly don’t like them. I don’t. I have tried all I know to try and it doesn’t work.

They don’t treat me, their father, each other, their things or my home with any respect.

They come from an environment with their mother where they run the show. She sets no boundaries or very little boundaries for them and they know it. They come into our home where there are rules and they can’t seem to adapt to them…even though we have been married almost 4 years.

Sadly, what I have found is that YOU can’t do anything. Your wife has to lay down the law with her son. If he is treating her poorly and she is allowing it to happen then he will continue to do so.

He is not going to listen to you or give you any authority or respect… you will probably always be viewed as the outsider.

The truth of the matter is that your wife is going to have to stand up to him and refuse to take anything off of him. She is not a cash cow he should be able to call up when he wants something. He is abusing her unconditional love for him…and she is allowing it to happen.

I feel for you guys…I really do…because I’m there and I know how much it sucks.

Just hope for the best and maybe as he matures and gets older he will come around and appreciate your wife for the lovely individual she sounds like she is.

6

I’ll join the chorus, here… since he’s a teen, he doesn’t really perceive the emotional damage he’s doing … at least, not fully. Speaking as an introverted geekly sort myself (and former teenager), such types often have difficulty understanding the emotional states of other folks, particularly in the formative years.

It’s also a good bet he’s cynical. Which means overblown, grand “we-love-you” gestures aren’t a good idea. He’ll come around eventually, but it’s best to let him do it at his own pace.

7

I think you answered this one yourself.

This is her son! She still obviously loves him and is trying to retain some kind of relationship with him. You need to support this effort. Anything less and both of them could end up resenting you. And any hostility on your part will only make the situation worse. So, just do it.

8

It sounds like part of his behavior is the usual teenage stuff.
But it also sounds like he wishes his parents could be back together and blames his mom (and you) for the fact that they aren’t . I know that you had nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage. But, perhaps he has this idea that if he acts like a jerk that you guys will be so miserable that you’ll leave and things will go back to the way they were before.
His dad may also be influencing his behavior. I would be concerned about the lack of chores in his life, however. Perhaps you, his mom, dad and he could get together and discuss these issues. This will be hard and it will work best, if everybody was as rational and direct as possible…(well, at least the adults should be.)

9

Try to stay out of their relationship as much as possible. It is very easy for the animosity to be directed towards you. As much as you would like to protect your wife, you have to remember, she and her son had a relationship long before you came along.

I have a sixteen year old stepdaughter and have found that the best thing I can do is to remain as cool as possible during the very tense times. Hopefully like most teens, your stepson has occasional lapses when they can be related to on more even level. I wait for these times to address issues that need to be.

There have been times when my stepdaughter has been verbally abusive. I have found that “You or no one else will speak to my wife like that”, works wonders. Throws them offguard, and makes them have to look at their mother in a different perspective.

There are times also when nothing works. These are the times that I just grit my teeth and tell myself, “In a couple years, she will be gone”. You are not alone. Good luck.

(as a sidenote): what is it with kids and driver’s licenses these days? My stepdaughter show zero interest in getting hers like your stepson. When I was their age I counted the days and made sure everything was in order to get mine. This thinking baffles me! :confused:

10

As a 26-year-old who recently became a “step-kid,” I can tell you that it’s not all sunshine and puppydogs being the step-kid either. Getting used to your parents splitting up, seeing other people, and remarrying is not fun at any age, and I can imagine that it’s especially difficult for a teenager. Obviously you have little respect for his interests, or for him for that matter. I’m sure the fact that you hate him is clearly visible to him. Sounds like a smart kid. Try taking just a little bit of interest in him, and you just might begin to understand one another better. It’s certainly not going to help your relationship with your wife to keep on this way.

11

Thanks for the responses thus far.

Some more material for consideration:

My stepdaughter and I get along very, very well. She’s outgoing, athletic, as extroverted as I am, and a general fun kid. My wife even told me “M. told me she really likes you - but you’re not supposed to know that.” The other night she and I ended up in a complete giggle fit over something completely ridiculous. She is 13, BTW.

As to supporting my wife - that’s all I’ve done. I’ve told her on more than one occasion that all she can do is keep reaching out and hope that he realizes what he’s doing. She has no reason to resent me, as I’m not interferring in their relationship or offering unsolicited advice. If she asks, I answer honestly.

I’ve tried to chalk this up to all teenagers being self-centered, mouthy, cretins, but this is different. My wife keeps telling me what a mature, smart, together kid this boy is and I have to bite my tongue from saying “Smart? Yes, he is a bright kid. He’s also treating you like a fucking doormat and you keep going back for more like you enjoy someone stepping on you with shit on their sole.”

12

What Aries28 said. I know that I rarely gave any of my stepparents (all four of them…) the right to tell me what to do, and I loathed when they tried to be the enforcer. My mother was my parent, you were just some dude who married her. I’m glad you’re in love, la-de-da, but I’m more than just an accessory that came with her. I’m much older now and probably couldn’t have verbalized all this then, however. I understand that you’ve had a long relationship with this woman, but that may not factor into her stepson’s response to the situation.

Anyway, this is something that she and her ex-husband need to work out. Unfortunately, you’re stuck in the difficult position of assisting and supporting, not the “hero spot” of fixing everyone. It’ll be a tough road, but my bet is that it will reward you in the long run.

Best wishes,
moi

13

“Obviously you have little respect for his interests, or for him for that matter. I’m sure the fact that you hate him is clearly visible to him. Sounds like a smart kid. Try taking just a little bit of interest in him, and you just might begin to understand one another better. It’s certainly not going to help your relationship with your wife to keep on this way.”

Nothing could be further from the truth. I respect that his interests are different from mine and I’ve never belittled him, had a harsh word for hiim, or expressed any animosity to him at all. I’ve taken steps to try and engage him on any number of topics where we might find common ground (movies and music mostly). Nothing. Sorry, but I’m not going to bash my head into that brick wall any longer.

“There have been times when my stepdaughter has been verbally abusive. I have found that “You or no one else will speak to my wife like that”, works wonders. Throws them offguard, and makes them have to look at their mother in a different perspective.”

Yeah, that has been my experience, too. My step daughter yelled “I hate you!” to my wife not long after we were married. My response was, “I don’t care who you are - you will not speak to her like that. If you continue to do so, you are not to come back.” I got the distinct impression that no one had ever spoken up for my wife like that (perhaps, even, including herself).

And I have NO idea what it is with kids and driving. Like you, I couldn’t wait to get my permit. My wife says she thinks he’s afraid of the responsibility.

14

OP says Mom and Dad were married for 17 years, the kid is 16 and plnnr says they have been seeing eachother for 4 years. I may be way off base, but if in fact their relationship was a fact prior to the divorce then it is very possible that that is exactly what the kid is acting out about.

15

Sorry for the confusion, Iteki. They were separated for a year or two before the divorce became final. I may be wrong on the length of time they were married, as well. It could have been as long as 19 years that they were married.

16

Keep biting that tongue, even if the damn thing falls off. Trust me, anything that could possibly be interpreted as being critical of him, or of her, or the way she deals with him, is trouble. It’s just going to be fuel on the fire, especially since you come across here as not liking the kid. If you give off that vibe here, do you really think that vibe doesn’t come across IRL? Really? With that in mind, anything negative you say about the situation is going to be dismissed as you trying to start trouble because you hate him.

I know it’s hard to sit down, shut up, and nod and smile in the right places. Agonizingly hard. But it’s something everybody has to do at some point in a relationship. You’ve got to stand aside sometimes and let people make their own decisions, and take the resulting glory or defeat for their own. Doing anything else in this situation is risking turning the whole thing into an “us vs. them” situation, where your wife just might decide that she wants to be one of “them.” If throwing in your unsolicited two cents is worth that risk, go ahead, but I get the feeling it’s probably not worth it to you.

17

Gotcha :slight_smile: Might be pissing him off none the less, god knows teenage boys aren’t exactly logical.

18

My point was that even if you did try to show interest in his interests, he probably saw through to the part of you who calls him an ungrateful, lazy, irresponsible piece of fungus, and who only puts up with him because you have to.
This kid had a world, and it all fell apart when his parents got divorced. You (not that it’s your fault - he’d feel this way about anyone) sealed it by marrying his mother. I’m not saying for sure that he’ll get over it, because I didn’t think I ever would, but I did. The big change for me came when my dad got sick and almost died. I wasn’t even going to go visit him in the hospital. After hearing rumors for months about how my new step-mother hated me, I wasn’t really anxious to see her. I bucked up for my dad’s sake, and went to see him. After sitting there for a while with us, she left so that my dad and I could be alone to talk. It was a major turning point for me, because I felt like she was trying to take my dad away from me up to that point. Things have been way better since then.
The only reason I’m telling you all this is because I just want you to try to understand how hard it can be from the step-kid’s point of view. There are a lot of feelings of anger and resentment toward the person you feel is keeping your parents apart. I just hope you don’t give up on him yet.

19

Again, thanks for the thoughts and suggestions.

As I pointed out in another thread, my wife will soon be going through menopause at just the same time that my stepdaughter starts her first period. Add Sullen Teenage Stepson to the mix and shake vigoursly.

I’ll be in the garage for the next ten years if anyone needs me.

20

well, IANAParent, and my experiences as step-child aren’t relevant to your situation, but here’s my two coppers for the taking. didn’t there used to be a “cents” sign key on keyboards???

everybody who’s said “you can’t fix things” is right. up to a point. my semi-educated guess is that SonnyBoy is playing a symphony on all of Mom’s buttons… and unfortunately, she’s letting him have at the whole keyboard. this might even be somewhat learned behavior on his part, if in the prior marriage she was getting no respect or consideration. the message received is “It’s ok to dump on Mom; she’ll always take it, and that’s fine.”

now what you CAN do is support your wife in learning how to be strong and stand up for her own dignity. (or as i’d crudely put it, grow a spine.) yes, no one can hurt you as badly as the ones you love; they know all your vulnerable spots and the quickest way to your biggest hurts. but what SHE needs to do is learn to not put up with it. “If you can’t be loving, you WILL at least be respectful.”

i’d say nearly any level of therapy is called for. hers alone, to learn how to take care and charge of herself. (Big Selling Point: you can’t take good care of your kids if you can’t take care of yourself. Kids reducing you to a weeping puddle is not a sign that you can take care of yourself.) Couples counseling, so that Ex and your wife could reach some mature level of compromise on how to deal with Junior. family therapy, so that Son and Mom can work on reaching some level of civil discourse.

but my personal read: she’s got to demand equal give and take. right now it sounds like she’s doing all the giving, and being taken but good for her pains. stop with the “drop everything and ferry Junior around” crap. if he wants something, whether money or taxi service, he should earn it – same as any other kid would do in a (supposedly) normal family. you want privileges? earn them, buddy. do some chores, or help out with some major project. it’s time to find out life is not an perpetual free ride. life is not going to cater endlessly to him once he’s out on his own.