Wow, this turned out long. Sorry.
I love my wife, I do, it’s just that a man can only take so much. I have to draw a line somewhere. Here’s the background:
My wife was married before to a real jerk. A manipulative asshole with whom she had a son. She divorced him after a long struggle and got custody with the ex having very liberal visitation. He never paid any alimony or child support, partly because she didn’t want to fight, partly because he lives off the state in various ways and there really isn’t much to take. So he is just the cool dad who always has the day off, and enough money, to do fun stuff and who never gives the son grief about homework and such.
A few years later (over 20 years ago) , along comes shiftless ol’ me. We fall in love (really), we date , we marry, we have another son. There are some issues with the step-parent thing but I figure we can work it out. My wife never quite trusts me to be a parent to my step-son though. She doesn’t much like me telling him what to do, for example. Heck he doesn’t like it and the dad doesn’t like it either. I’m not talking about spanking or using force here - I don’t have a huge problem with spanking kids (I was) but I don’t do it myself, nor does my wife. I can say “please wash the dishes” but when he refuses (as he does, which is normal enough for a child) then any fight that breaks out over this results in my wife giving me the silent treatment (“ST” from now on). She is stressed and doesn’t know what to do so she clams up. I guess the bottom line is that she is very protective of the step-son. She feels like he has had a raw deal I guess and shouldn’t have to deal with me making demands.
Now “our” son, who is much younger than his half-brother, she has no such issues with. Of course we have disagreements over the best way to do some things but over all we are in agreement on how to rear him. Both kids are fine looking young men that anyone would love to know and be around (really!) but with very different personalities. There are a few conflicts over the years because the older step-son tries to manipulate his brother a lot, I won’t stand for it and conflict ensues (“what? I didn’t do anything!”). Mostly petty stuff. As the younger son reaches his early teens he learns to dig in his heels and not put up with it.
Fast forward nearly 20 years. The son is away at college, the step-son is in his late 20s, living “on his own” which means that his mom is only paying for some of his major expenses. He never finished college but he works some and can generally make rent while she pays for cell-phone, insurance, and cash and groceries sometimes at the end of the month. He drives a car his grandparents gave him and but it is almost dead and so we help with repairs. They don’t tell me how much money is being paid out; I am just learning some of it like the plasma TV that she “helped” him with (cosigned and then had to pay for). This has gone on for years.
Last November the step-son finds out his father has cancer. He has had a lot of health problems over the years and isn’t in very good shape to start with so this is not good news. They decide that step-son will move to his city and live with him for his last days which they say is no more than 6 months. All (including myself) agree this is a good plan. Step-son isn’t working much anyway so this will allow him a place to live and we will support him while he helps his dad. Step-son immediately quits his job and plans to move to our house while he rents his place and gets things in order before the move. This was November, let us not forget. He fiddled around for a month before actually moving to our house full time. Mostly he would crash at our house during the week and then at his place on the weekends. As he came and went he would move a car load of stuff.
Now here we are, it’s early April. My wife is no longer talking to me and my step-son is still living in my house, not working, not even helping with basic stuff like picking up after himself. His mom does all that stuff for him. I’ve been hearing for four months how he is going to move to his dad’s “probably in a week or two” and just finally couldn’t take it any more. A few weeks ago (mid March) as I was getting ready for work I found him passed out on the sofa (not unusual) with his bong and pot laid out on the coffee table. I knew he smokes pot, I don’t care, but the fact that he can afford dope but can’t afford food and that he doesn’t care enough to at least hide the stuff just pushed me over the edge. I told him his time was up, time to move out. He took it pretty well at the time. Said he was planning to make a plane reservation that day anyway (yeah, right). Except … it never quite happens. Days go by and no reservation. There aren’t any flights between our major cities(!) He had a reservation, then the airlines lost it and he forgot to tell me(!)
At last we sat down to thrash it out but my wife refuses to participate. She is stressed, I know, and she doesn’t want to see me bullying her baby I guess. So we both rant and rave for a while. He tries to lay the guilt trip on me that his dad is dying; he threatens to just move out and live on the street; he explains how he is helping me by living here so his mom doesn’t have to pay his rent(?); he tells me all kinds of stories about how nobody likes him and how his life sucks, which may be true, even hinting that he “can’t go on”. All of which is neither here on there. It’s been 4 months since we heard of his dad’s immanent death and he is supposed to be moving out there. Oh, that … well, turns out he is doing much better. Probably still dying but they are trying to plan out a vacation together, which is difficult because neither of them has any money, and that is taking a long time. Uncaring asshole that I am, I continue to insist that he leave. We decide that he will get a flight, no messing around anymore, within the week. He agrees with this and I believe he accepts that it is a good idea to move along.
Now my wife refuses to talk to me. They get along famously, hanging out together, laughing and chatting but when I come into the room all I get from her is a glare. When I ask her to talk about it she tells me she is too miserable to talk. An hour later, they are yucking it up over a sitcom.
As I write this I see it is all about my step-son, not much about me or my wife. That how big of a factor he is. He is very charismatic and when he is in the house my wife has no time for anyone else. He makes her miserable with his manipulation, then makes it up to her by telling her his great plan for how everything is going to work out. I am jealous, I admit it. I thought that one day he would move along and get his own life and now I see that the same pattern is just going to repeat forever.
So, somebody tell me why I shouldn’t get a divorce? I still love my wife but I’m not so sure she feels the same. Even if she does, I dread the prospect of going through this every few years because she can’t say no to her fully grown son. What am I going to do when we are in our seventies and he decides to come live with us?
Thanks for letting me vent.