My stepdaughter is 31 YO and my wife (her biological mother) has been bending over backwards to get her off her butt and working. She does not live with us. Stepdaughter has a Masters in Education that took her 10 years to earn, mostly due to partying and “just feeling like skipping a term.” Of course, my wife was supporting her financially when she was in school, co-signing student loans and even providing a place for her to live. Stepdaughter has some ADHD problems, but is certainly functional.
It’s my wife’s business, but I’m obviously more than an uninvolved bystander. My wife gave her all sorts of notice that she would have to move out of the rental house several months after graduating and that my wife would be seeking to have herself removed from the student loans. (I understand that this can be done after X years of prompt repayments.)
At present, stepdaughter is couch-surfing with friends, though she sometimes moves in as somebody’s roommate for a couple months, and is working PT as a waitperson or hostess. She’s basically done this type of work for the last 13 years. As far as we can tell, she is not even actively looking for a job. Even though she has a Masters, she can’t be a teacher in her state of residence because she dropped out of the classroom practical class in college. She can’t get a teaching certificate without that experience.
Recently, stepdaughter has started to guilt my wife by complaining that she never wanted to go to college and certainly didn’t want to get a/two degree(s) in education.
I’m basically encouraging my wife to stand firm and say, “Enough.” It’s not like she’s staying at our house, though I fear it may come to that eventually. We just can’t seem to get this daughter in gear and moving forward with her life. She has partied and lived the Bohemian life for a long time and it’s just a fact that she is going to have hard times for at least another 5 or 10 years as she tries to catch up. Frankly, if she has to take a 9-to-5 office job and work PT at nights to handle her financial responsibilities, that’s OK by me.
Stepdaughter sounds like she has no desire to actually get her shit together and live like an actual adult.
One thing I’m not clear on, are you and your wife supporting her financially? Is your wife paying her student loans for her?
For the life of me I cannot grok the idea of earning a Master’s in a field that you have no interest in. I’m just now finishing my MA and it damn near killed me. If your stepdaughter really did take 10 years to earn her MA in education but did not do the classroom practicum classes (which I don’t understand how that’s possible; my wife has a degree in education and practicum classes were a huge component of her degree requirements), then it sounds like she was using school as an excuse not to join the real world and live like an adult.
So if you guys are supporting her financially, my personal opinion (with the caveat that I have never been in this situation), is that you should sit her down, explain that she has x number of months to get her shit together and become self-sufficient, and that after those months are up you’re cutting off the money supply. You’ll be there to cheer her on and answer questions and give love and support and basically everything else, but not support her financially. She’s an adult. Her life is hers now.
If she’s self-sufficient and you guys aren’t paying for this bohemian lifestyle, then that’s a lifestyle choice she’s made and if she’s ok with it, you should be too. I know that’s hard—it would piss me off if my kid did the same thing—but if you aren’t financially responsible for her, well, she’s an adult and is living how she wants. There’s nothing really you can do if she’s on her own.
Sounds like time for a tough heart-to-heart, maybe one overdue a decade ago. Sit her down and tell her the harsh imminent reality of life; that you and the wife will die some day, that financial reality is a hard SOB, that she isn’t getting younger again ever, that as she gets older and things pass by, things will only get tougher yet. Tell her that she should imagine herself at age 40 and ask herself what she would wish she had done at age 31; that what you do today - good or bad - sets up your future.
Oh yeah. We have my husband’s 27 year old son at home still. He’s not a rotten kid; he works and goes his own way mostly. But then there’s annoying things too. He uses the microwave and doesn’t reset it when he’s finished. He comes and goes a lot which is kind of inconvenient as we have to secure all of our dogs before opening the gate. He does his laundry but leaves it all in the dryer. We’re currently sharing a bathroom and yesterday he used my towel. :mad: He’ll come in from work all sullen and not respond when spoken to. He’ll promise to do dishes, then go to his room and fall asleep. It’s all just petty stuff, but I can’t help wondering if we’ll have an overgrown teenager on our hands forever. Sure, we could get tough and just kick him out…it’s on our list of problems to solve one of these days.
SD lives out-of-state (where my wife is from and where SD went to school), so most discussions are by phone. ** Lancia** is right on the money…she has no interest in getting her shit together. Her father (my wife’s husband) died when she was 13, and she’s been playing on that violin string for many years.
My wife and I keep our financials fairly separate, since we are both widowed and we married after age 60. My wife is providing SOME support, but it’s the other types of support that get a bit extreme…filling out applications for college and financial aid (in the past now), paperwork for ACA, extensions for student loans, etc.
SD calls to tell my wife she’s “unhappy.” No shit. She is living hand-to-mouth, has no goals, no job or other steady obligation, no significant other in her life, and is facing her student loans. My wife has been paying the student loans so far, if only because she will get released from them with a good payment record.
I’m a generous person, but I help people who try to help themselves. I fear my wife has just become used to the whole drama, though she has been much better recently in realizing that this type of enabling behavior is not a solution.
Have you verified this to be factual or are you taking her word on this? I too have a hard time seeing how someone can get both a a Bachelor’s and a Master’s in education without completing the required practicum/student teaching.
I’ll add that my wife recently changed her will so that the two daughters get a 40/60 split, instead of a 50/50. The “problem” child has received a lot more than her older sister already. Plus, my wife set it up so the SD’s share will be distributed piecemeal over ten years and not in a lump sum.
The only problem I see is that her choices irritate you (and I would feel the same!). She’s an adult and, as far as I can tell, not relying on you for financial support. If you could change her, you would have by now. All you can do is let her live her life. Quietly grumble about it while she’s out of earshot, if it makes you feel better.
Oops, I missed the update. Wife should cut her off financially and stop helping with the forms, etc… Push back kindly but firmly, reminding her that she is in her 30s and her life is her own responsibility.
I have similar issues but they do live at home. Daughter got pregnant, so she got married and they both live with us. The grandchild is wonderful but her Dad (son in law) is pretty lazy. They can’t afford to move out in our area at the moment but he just started a new job, so I hope he can keep it.
I have a sister who is somewhat like this - actually 2 sisters, twins, but one is married, so her husband has had the keeping of her all these years. When our father died, my mother suddenly cut off supporting my one sister. And while it’s hard to grow up when you’re 22, it’s a lot harder when you’re 45 and have relied on others your whole life. Now she gets a small pittance of disability, and seems to manage mostly on her own, although I’m sure she’s hitting up her children occasionally.
Are we playing “I can top this?” Because my 45 year old stepdaughter, who also can’t seem to get her shit together, just moved back in with us today. :mad:
I thought we were done with this kids-moving-back-in crap 10+ years ago. Each of the three kids has moved back in with us twice at some point – often with their own kids in tow. I told my wife back then, next kid that moves back in with us, I’m moving out. So now what?
It depends on the laws where she lives, but she doesn’t necessarily need a teaching certificate to be a teacher. She may need to look beyond public schools, though. For instance, I taught at a military preparatory school for 7 years without any certifications whatsoever.
Other options include charter schools, private schools, Catholic schools, parochial schools, and community colleges. None of these typically require teaching certificates, and if she gets some teaching experience, she may be able to parlay that into a teaching certificate.
With respect to public schools, you can also sometimes get a provisional teaching certificate if they need teachers bad enough (like in inner cities).
My apologies for the “I can top that” remark above. It was a statement made in anger and frustration. It’s been a long day. sigh
I have two stepdaughters (with a stepson in the middle) and for years it was the younger one who’s life was a train wreck. Now that she’s finally getting her shit together, it’s the older one whose life is falling apart. Her marriage broke up, she was totally unprepared for living on her own, had no marketable skills, and started hanging out with a guy who was a (former?) drug addict and had spent some time in jail. She’s also had her share of problems that were not her fault, but she is seemingly unable to keep a steady job and my wife has been paying her rent for the last year or more.
Actually, the reason she has moved back in with us is because my wife decided to quit paying the rent as a means to prevent deadbeat boyfriend from getting free room and board. So if having her move back home helps her get this jackass out of her life, I’m all for it. But I don’t know that my wife has given her any kind of deadline for finding a decent job and her own place to live. And I honestly haven’t figured out why she and her two kids, who are all living own their own and barely getting by, don’t just pool their resources and all move in together.
I’ve been there in dealing with the inconsiderate adult child, and I have tried the tactic of following around behind them installing gadgets — self-locking doors, self-closing toilet seat, - I actually bought the screaming kettle to keep him from boiling my saucepans dry. But the real problem is usually some combination of selfishness and a lack of mindfulness and the gadgets only go so far in lowering your blood pressure.
Just a reminder to parents. Housing laws frequently consider all resident family members as having equal rights to the use of the family home. Be aware if you let your adult child live with you and it goes south, it may not be easy to get them out.