The " partying and ‘just feeling like skipping a term’ " thing - I wonder if there’s more to that. Possibly she’s just irresponsible, but you also mentioned she has ADHD but is “functional.”
Sometimes mental illnesses or other mental conditions can make mostly-normally-functioning people pretty non-functional. Maybe that’s part of the story. But I don’t know the whole story.
Just seems people are pretty quick to blame the stepdaughter entirely for her own situation, when there could possibly be more going on in terms of her mental health (either in the present or during her studies.)
Sounds like the stepdaughter has executive functioning issues, and perhaps is in defense mode? (Defense mode is considered more of an autism thing than ADHD, but perhaps it applies here.)
Maybe her inability to get her life together could use some help, and maybe people in her life can point her towards that help. I do know for a fact that blaming and shaming someone in that situation is counterproductive and could lead to more anxiety and perceived helplessness.
Is stepdaughter attractive? Can she get married to a successful man? Does she like children? Could you see her possibly being a stay at home mother with some children taking care of a home?
If I were a woman, I would want this. I hate working and could go the rest of my life without ever being enslaved, or employed to some ridiculous job. I love children and would like that role as a housewife and mother. I would be very traditional.
EmilyG, she needs to be taking her medication and regularly seeing her doctors. She does for a short period, but then it’s too much of a bother or too expensive. She was diagnosed in her teens and it’s a known issue. This is one reason my wife has been as patient as she has so far.
SD has many positive characteristics…she’s very artistic in several media, concerned with family (for the most part), loyal to friends, and quite smart.
Maybe but I think we’d all prefer for my stepson to get his own place. Even him, though he doesn’t seem capable of making it happen.
However, we are remodeling the other bathroom, so I did take note of that towel rack.
No, man. You’re definitely the “winner”.
You might be surprised to know it doesn’t work that well for women either. Without money or marketable job skills, you belong to your husband. If he’s not a good guy, or if he dies, you’re screwed. Not to mention that staying home with the kids may not be as much fun as it sounds…
Though your wife has the very best of intentions towards the offspring she loves, she is actually hurting her by being a classic “enabler”. “Enablers” don’t understand the difference between helping people move forward and, instead, enabling them to continue the unhealthy lifestyle that they are trying to eliminate. I would recommend family counseling because it always works better when all the principals are involved. Barring that, your wife should at least get some advice about “enabling” and how to correct it.
My sister is one of the failure-to-launch types. She kept quitting or was fired from job after job, despite being very bright and capable. She’d keep discovering that work is hard or boring, and bam, she’d quit. Mom kept bailing her out and paying her rent and falling for the bogus reasons why sis would keep leaving every job.
Then mom got Alzheimer’s and couldn’t keep bailing sis out. As soon as the funds dried up, sis magically became able to hold down a job - at age 55. She’d gripe continually about having to work and it became a drag to talk to her and I eventually stopped returning her calls. I heard she retired the instant she turned 62 and could take social security. I don’t know how she subsists on that smidgen of money. I think she’s sponging off the pension of my brother, another failure-to-launch sibling who still lives in our dead mother’s house and who has never married.
Honestly, have any of you considered downsizing? If the returning kid has no where awesome to stay, they would be less likely to come back home. Maybe?
I appreciate the shared stories. Being a true optimist, I’m always hoping that some event will occur that will miraculously fix things.
And I’m sympathetic to the fact that she can’t go from part-time, casual work at low pay to a job that covers her rent, expenses, and student loans in the space of a month or two. But the comments about enabling her are right on the money. Time to grow up.
