What do you do when you're so utterly exhausted & angry at an adult child you can't think straight?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ll save the long backstory and cut to the chase. I have a 29 year old daughter who has had a good deal of difficultly “launching”. She lives with my ex and is still in the same room she has when she was one year old. She’s not stupid and she doesn’t do drugs etc but her academic performance over the years has been very spotty and she’s had to re-take a huge number of her classes.

She aged out of Pell Grant assistance over a year ago because she has been in college so long. I have been assisting her financially and I pay for her car repairs, cell phone and dental appt etc. Her mother provides her housing and food. She does odd jobs for her grandparents for a little cash.

I have been paying over $ 1300 per month over the last two semesters and to be frank it’s been a huge, panic driven scramble to come up with this cash. I have sold my watches, some heirlooms and taken some of the cash set aside for taxes to get her through these last few semesters so she can stay in school & graduate. This last semester ending this May she only had three classes and no part time job. This was to be her graduation semester. I complained to her that she needed to stop traveling hours to Delaware to be the audio person for this garage band she latched onto and focus on getting her class work and her resume done. She told me she needed her recreational time and that everything college-wise was handled.

She’s been ducking me the last 3 weeks and now I know why after I went to her door this evening. Now it turns she failed a class and will need to retake it. She will not be graduating and will have to go to school for another semester.

We had a deal. We agreed on the deal. I would bend every effort I could to scramble and come up with the money for her books and tuition and she would work hard and get her work done and graduate with her GIS degree and get her resume done. She understood the lengths I went to and the sacrifices to make sure her tuition was paid. And none of it mattered in the end. I’m so angry and exhausted. I’m so pissed I want to cut ties with her completely at this point.

On one hand she’s my kid on the other I feel like … I don’t know I just want to be done with her. This shit has been going on forever and now she’s almost 30. She’s not a bad person, but she’s kind of lazy and she lies like crazy so she can keep doing what she wants to do which is apparently fucking around as a minor league amateur DJ and sound tech for this garage band. I’ve been pissed with her before, but I’m literally on the edge of cutting ties and telling her not to contact me anymore. I can’t take it. I feel like I’ve been played and lied to for the umpteenth time and this is with me pouring my life’s blood into her tuition at significant financial risk to myself.

I’m like a pissed off deflated balloon. I don’t want anything to do with her at this point and that’s a terrible way for a parent to feel. I’m just so tired and angry.

2

I’m in a similar situation to your daughter - I’m 28 years old and have difficulty “launching” in regards to certain life fields as well, although I do have my own apartment, car, job, etc.

Does she *fear *being on her own with no support? For me, the idea of having no financial security, could lose job, get evicted, be unemployable etc. has always been a source of fear. Maybe you need to talk to her and instill a necessary fear of sorts in her - “How will you pay the bills? Find a place to live? Make a living? What if your parents died tonight? What employment skills do you have? etc. etc.”

3

I had have those exact “what if” conversations with her ad infinitum. She nods her head but I’m coming to the difficult conclusion that she learns nothing unless it has some sort of actual immediate physical consequence for her. I used to disdain my ex’s yelling and screaming at her and punishing her when she pulled some idiotic stunt but now I’m wondering if that’s the only thing she understands.

4

No grown up children, only a grown up mother who never keeps her promises and two grown up younger brothers who sometimes have been on the receiving end of “I’m counting… I’m still counting…” (to 100. To 1000. To whatever, until we calm down enough to say what we have to say in a way we won’t regret).

We kept forgiving Mom’s broken promises, until we all sooner or later got to that day when we didn’t any more. Now we don’t extract promises, we don’t believe any promises, and that day when the camel’s back broke? Since there were consequences assigned to that final promise she broke, those consequences were applied.

But mostly, we just lost all hope that she’d ever grow up. Sorry. Wish I had better news, but we never found the magic pill.

5

That sounds like a nightmare and I’m sorry that you’re in this very frustrating situation. After reading your comments, my thought is that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I think you can be a loving father without spending one more penny. If she values education, she will figure out how to get it. She might have to work for quite awhile to save up enough money to finish. Maybe that would enable her to start to have a glimmer of appreciation for what it took for you to do everything that you’ve done for her.

I can understand why you would want to just cut her out of your life, out of your understandable anger and frustration. But maybe consider telling her that you realize that your giving her ongoing financial support to finish her education isn’t working out the way you thought it would, because she clearly doesn’t value it the way you do, and she has to decide if it’s important enough to her to work for it herself. You can love someone while still drawing boundaries and limits, and it is not wrong for you to take care of yourself and prepare for your own retirement. I hope that you can can come to peace within yourself about offering love to your daughter, but drawing the purse strings firmly closed. She might not accept that very gracefully for awhile, but I feel like that leaves the door open to a fulfilling relationship further down the road when she has (hopefully) gained some maturity, while resolving the current situation that you’re no longer willing to tolerate.

6

You can say it kindly, but yes, cut her off already. I hope her debt is zero.

School or not, there are tons of people over 18 who work full time and go to school and do it all on their own. Car? Cell? Medical? She’s a grown-ass woman. Stop paying for it.

7

**Periwinkle **and **SeaDragonTattoo **both said it far more eloquently that I could have.

What they said.

8

Yes, she’s old enough to take responsibility for finances, and life choices. No more financial support. If you can get your ex to follow this as well, all the better. She needs to understand that life isn’t a free ride. Some people don’t get that until they have to find their own housing, pay their own bills, and figure out their educations all by themselves.

You’ve been patient, but I think it would be best, for both of you, if you just took a step back at this point.

9

What’s going to change once she gets her degree? She may be able to get a managerial/professional track job, but she won’t be able to keep it.

10

Nah, it could work out. I have a friend who was not getting her life together. At one point she couldn’t get up in time for her job seekers allowance thingy, it was a nightmare. Then she got a job and we were all terrified of what would happen. For the first few weeks I had to call her every morning at 06.30 (I do not need to get up at that time!) and talk her out of bed. Then another friend would call her a little later to check she was hurrying and not showering for an hour (which she would do, seriously). At first she missed her carpool a few times, but she got better.

She turned 30 a few months ago. We gave her pearls and told her she was a big girl and no more wake up calls. She’s doing fine.

She just needed to get the hang of the regularity of working. She started to enjoy it, and she feels much better without the stress of being in education. For some people the regularity of work is better than crazy university life. You get paid, you know what’s expected, you leave at 5.30, you chat with coworkers at the coffee machine, your weekends are free.

May or may not be that way for astro’s daughter, but there’s no point just writing her off.

11

This may sound harsh, but she’s not going to change when there are no consequences staying in the same place. She doesn’t live up to her adult responsibilities because she’s never had to, at some point you’re going to have to decide when helping becomes supporting becomes enabling. And that won’t help either of you. You both need to sit down come up with a plan for her to exit this unhealthy dependency, complete with a time frame, and you need to let her know that this one is going to stick. Shit, I was working full time and paying board to my parents when I was 16.

12

IMO, which is pretty uninformed on this situation, the ideal thing to do would be to cut her off without a lecture. She knows she fucked up; she knows it hurt you. If you lecture oher on it, she might be able to twist it into resentment of you for lecturing her.

So transition your relationship with her to one without a financial element. Invite her over for dinner sometimes. Ask about her day. Don’t offer her money. If she asks for money? Smile, shake your head, tell her you don’t have any to give her now. If she really wants a discussion about why not, let her initiate it.

13

Detach your emotions and your money from her. Don’t shut her out of your life, but stop giving her stuff. It’s sink or swim time now. If she sinks, it’s not because you haven’t helped her.

14

You shouldn’t have been giving her such a big allowance in the first place. It’s obvious you can’t afford $1,300 a month. And even if she was the hardest working person ever, she’s not entitled to that much. Why couldn’t a part-time job have been a part of the deal you made with her? And what was she doing all those years when most people are in college?

I’m not trying to sound judgmental, but I don’t understand how this situation happens. It sounds like a nightmare.

You can cut someone off financially while maintaining emotional ties. But you and your ex are going to have to be on the same page for your daughter to be motivated to change anything.

15

I’m going to guess the real motivation behind, “I feel like I want to just be done with her!”, is really a reflection of something you know on some subconscious level. That the ‘support’ you’ve been providing, (at great sacrifice to you, and with little appreciation from her), is somehow part of the problem.

Even more, I think subconsciously you know you really CAN’T stand firm in the face of her ‘suffering’ the consequences of her actions. (If you had it in you, you wouldn’t be in this spot, supporting a 30 yr old failed college student!)

I think part of you knows, (like she does, no doubt!), that you’ll cave, and just keep on doing what you’ve been doing, propping her up. Because that’s clearly what you do.

Follow that instinct, listen to that voice. Your “support” isn’t helping this child. It’s enabling her, and undermining her independence. You need to get out of her life for a couple of years, so she has a chance to make it on her own and grow up.

Be angry. Be honest. You’ve had your fill, done all you can, can sacrifice no more for someone without regard for their words and commitments to you. You’ve given her the last chance, no more.

But don’t bother if you’re just going to cave because, her car breaks, or she gets evicted, or shows up and says, ‘I’m hungry!’ You need to be prepared, have the address of the food bank, and the shelter, the welfare office, the mercy hospital etc. Direct her to those places.

I mean is the problem that she won’t grow up? Or that you don’t want to undertake the hardest part of parenting? To stand firm and let her actually, full on, face all the consequences for bad choices? Even if she lands in a shelter and eats at a soup kitchen? I just think trying to put this all on her is a huge mistake, that’s all.

I wish you nothing but Good Luck, this won’t be easy for either one of you, I’m afraid.

16

Lots of ways to look at this. Lots of possible solutions. Plenty of insightful people here to give you their two cents.

But IMO, for now?

Don’t do anything. Allow yourself to be mad/disappointed/tired of this crap. Then when you calm down, take a long break. Then do a bunch of thinking/reading/introspection/whatifing.

This has been brewing for years. It won’t get solved quickly. It doesn’t sound like it needs to be solved quickly.

Getting mad and having “had enough” is fine. Often even good. But making a plan or implementing one at this stage is IMO often not so good an idea.

Good luck.

17

Echoing billfish678, don’t make rash decisions while emotional and angry.

When calm, establish a plan and stick to it. “Hey [Daughter], you’re going to have to start supporting yourself now; you’re an adult”. Maybe provide more months of support then end the support. Maybe slowly dial back the monthly support until the monthly support is $0. Something gradual and reasonable, that doesn’t make anyone feel like the rug is being pulled suddenly. Be open to reasonable counter-proposals from your daughter, but once agreed, stick to the plan.

College isn’t for everyone. There are certifications, trade school/vocational programs, and other alternatives that can start a person down some reasonable job path. But she has to own the decision and feel like they are her choices, or else she won’t commit. Be emotionally supportive, but don’t be an enabler.

18

You’ve been enabling her. It’s not your fault; it’s probably what most parents would do. She needs life to kick her in the arse and wake her up a bit. My parents did the same thing with me (though it was for a couple of years after college, not until I was 29) and looking back I’m surprised they didn’t have to cut me off to get me to fly right.

Cut her off. Now. No lecture. She’s not paying rent so it’s not like she’ll be on the streets. If she wants to finish her degree, she can get student loans like the rest of us.

19

I’m going to back up a tiny bit about my “doing nothing now” advice.

Sounds like she is now just one class short of finishing her degree.

Do what it takes to make sure she gets registered for it. She may or may not take it and who knows who will or won’t pay for it. That can be dealt with later. But if she doesn’t get registered for it, that takes some options off the table for awhile.

I would not make any deals or specific threats about this issue. But I would do my best to “insist” this one little thing gets done, while noting that this is only being done because of the limiting options issue.

20

You don’t have to cut ties with her completely. Just sit down and have a calm rationale talk with her. Tell you love her, but you can no longer financially invest in her. As parents, we are not obligated to financially support our adult children. It’s okay to put conditions on financial gifts to them. And those conditions don’t mean it’s all or nothing as it corresponds to your relationship with her. She may see it that way, but it will be up to you, to continue to stay involved in your relationship with her beyond just a financial supporter.