It is a little late in the game, but what the heck…
There needs to be consequences for her actions. You need to follow through with those consequences. Simple as that!
I disagree. She’s a grown-ass adult. If she wants to register for it, presumably she knows how to do it. If she doesn’t, she presumably knows how to ask for help. If she doesn’t register for the class, that’s a perfectly legitimate decision a grown-ass adult can make.
Unless she’s suffering from addiction, or has joined a cult, or has a severe mental disability, or is in an abusive relationship she doesn’t know how to escape, it ain’t your job to manage her life for her.
She’s 29 years old, not 19 years old. Tell her the truth-- you don’t have the money to give her. She needs to get a job and either save enough money before going back to school, take out a loan, or pay as she goes. Offer to give her whatever emotional or other support she needs, but the money well is dry.
I can’t imagine being 29 and expecting financial support from a parent unless there were some very unusual circumstances.
Have you ever read The Giving Tree. I bet you could relate to that story. Text version here
You’ve given her more than enough already. It’s time for her to figure out things for herself. Unfortunately, you are preventing her from being an adult. It’s easy to think you’re helping and each time will be the last, but it’s just enabling her to avoid responsibility. She needs to be faced with tough situations where she has to come up with a solution. If she needs money for phone, car, and college, she needs to figure out how to earn the money she needs.
It sounds like you have your own financial concerns anyway, so cutting off support should be pretty straightforward. All you have to say is, “Sorry, I can’t afford it.” She’ll figure things out one way or another.
One thing you’ll have to keep in mind is that the path she takes may not be the one you had in mind. Like, maybe she’ll be a DJ, or dance instructor, or who knows what else. She may not complete college or get a job that relates to what she studied. Maybe she’ll go back to school in her 50’s to complete her degree. From where she is now it’s hard to predict, but she’ll get it figured out somehow.
You are missing the implication here.
I’m not suggesting the OP “manage her life” for HER.
I’m suggesting the OP “manage her life” (well, actually get/help her do one tiny assed thing) because not doing so could well impact HIM negatively.
The only way her not registering for this last needed class is guaranteed to absolutely NOT impact the OP is if he is going the whole “no help no way no how” route.
First, I doubt the OP is going to go the “your dead to me route”. Second, even if he does, he HASN"T made that decision yet.
If he is going to take a few weeks to calm down and get a plan together, but summer registration ends this Friday, IMO not getting this one little thing done could well limit options in the near future which well could impact the OP himself negatively.
There is very little downside to this and a whole lot of possible upside to getting her registered IMO.
I still disagree. Continuing to be involved in the process does have a major disadvantage: it gives her a reason to expect him to continue to pay for things. If someone registered me for a class, you can bet I’d expect them to foot the bill for it.
Furthermore, it maintains the relationship of a parent to a minor child. That’s a relationship that needs to change. That doesn’t mean cutting off all ties with her; it just means not doing things for her.
I have no relevant experience here, but it sounds to me like Left Hand of Dorkness put it well: your relationship needs a whole new form. She’s your kid, presumably you love her; it’s the relationship in its current form that you’ve had enough of. You can ditch the current form of relationship without ditching the kid.
At the moment you’re treating her like an irresponsible teenager - paying her bills and nagging at her to get her schoolwork done - and she’s acting like one. After fifteen years of that, no wonder you’re sick of it. Ditch that whole pattern and start treating her like an adult you love. Ask her how she’s doing, but don’t feel like you’re responsible for it. If she’s got a problem, don’t tell her how to fix it; don’t offer your opinion unless she asks for it. Talk to her with the objective of enjoying her, not raising her.
And don’t give her money. She’s living with your ex, which sounds like she isn’t in danger of being homeless. The lack of anything else - including college - doesn’t threaten her safety; getting the money for it is her problem, not yours. If she asks for money, tell her you won’t be doing that any more. If she asks why, tell her the truth - maybe explain that you love her, you want to have an adult relationship with her, and the old pattern (money and nagging going one way, evasiveness going the other) was damaging your relationship and wrecking your chance of having an adult one.
I agree. Tough love should’ve happened years ago. As it stands, no good can come out of delaying it further. If the OP does one more thing for her, he’s liable to get sucked right back into the black hole of codependent enabling that has gotten them to this point.
The OP’s daughter intrigues me because I don’t understand what could lead an near-30-year old to be so irresponsible. The stress alone from living at home, under a nagging mother, should’ve motivated her to get and keep a job. As much as I love my own parents, one week under their roof makes me feel like a caged animal.
Why? It’s your class for you.
But more to the point. Registering for a class doesn’t obligate you for a large chunk of change. IME, at most you have a piddly non refundable fee.
I’m not the OP and I don’t know the details, in particular the class required, what kinda time frame is involved, and so on and so on.
But even being mad as hell with my kid, I’d be willing to risk something like a $75 non refundable fee so as to not limit MY options of finally getting the kid a degree, a better chance at a job, a better chance at a better job, and on her own and self supporting at the end of the summer semester and not the end of the fall or gawd forbid next spring semester because she wasn’t registered for the class this summer.
You’re not going to get better advice than this. Nicely worded, too.
I feel for you, astro. We’ve got a couple of unlaunchables at home ourselves (ours are both 25).
Get together with some friends.
While the adult child is away, pack up all of their things. Move them to a studio apartment for which you have paid the first and last months rent and security deposit.
When adultchild returns, intercept with those same friends as an ‘intervention’.
Drive adultchild to the apartment, push them in the door, walk away.
The reason to have more than one child is that when you’re so utterly exhausted & angry at an adult child you can’t think straight you can switch to being utterly exhausted & angry at the other adult child that you can’t think straight, and you’ll forget about the first one for a while.
Sounds like a tough situation. Sure, things could have been handled differently in the past, but you are in this situation now, so what do you do?
I’m wondering what you ex- and the grandparents feel about this? You’d be in a better position if you weren’t going it alone. If all of you adults feel it is a good idea to support this other adult - that’s pretty fucked up. But the least you can do is staunch your personal bleeding.
Since she’s not living with you, your option is easier. Just cut her off. It isn’t as tho she will be on the street hungry, so long as mom is enabling her. Of course,you have to be willing to put up with her accusing you of being a big meanie. With kids, you do the best you can to get them on their own, but they have to put forth some effort on their part.
If she ever came back to you requesting assistance, I would essentially draw up a contract, with specific timed expectations and implications.
We’re having a bit of an issue with one of our adult kids right now. Basically, she doesn’t seem to like us and is very critical of us. But she is financially independent. I wish we had a closer relationship with her, and may in the future, but to a large extent she is who she is and we are who we are.
You had a deal, she didn’t keep her end. The money stops now. She is not homeless, she can get a job and figure it out.
But she’s not a kid. She’s an adult. That’s how she needs to start seeing herself, and she won’t be able to do that if Daddy swoops down and bails her out again.
Did I say “kid”? No, I said MY kid. Or do you refer to your past 18 year old kids as “your adults” (formerly known as your kids one supposes…apologies to Prince).
Look, I’m all for the things need to get tough and there need to be consequences and shit, but I’m also for not cutting my nose off to spite my face either.
Besides, this is rather pointless because at this point we have no idea of details of the OP’s daughter’s academic situation.
I’m just pointing out there is something that the OP might might want to consider that might be need to be taken care of NOW if certain options are remain open.
If the OP want to go all scorched Earth, including this class thing, more power to him. But I’d rather not see him going “damn, we’ve got a plan now but shit, I guess its now the fall semester or next spring before we reach that goal because of not taking care of that piddly class registration”.
I’ve told all my kids, I will help pay for your FIRST time taking a course. If you pass it, you get your credits on my dime. If you have to re-take it, you pay for it.
I’m having similar problems with my 13 and 17 year old, but I’m applying the above philosophy and they’re stepping up as I step back. You have to set boundaries. When I was growing up my parents told me they’d help me as much as they could, but ultimately it was up to me to make my life and if I blew off classes, didn’t brush my teeth, didn’t eat right or exercise, well, in the end it was myself I was hurting and that was my choice. If I was particularly stubborn and self-destructive my dad would look at me, shrug his shoulders and say “Well, the world needs ditchdiggers.”
I think you’ll be surprised at how fast life smacks your kid in the face and how fast she grows up in response. Cut her off from financial support. Take her out to lunch once a month or so. Maybe go see the band she works with one night. Keep social ties, but let her know that she’s an adult now and you expect to have an adult relationship with her, and there are no other adults you sell your heirlooms to support, so that’s changing.
Enjoy,
Steven
These are my thoughts. What was the point of making a deal in the first place if she can refrain from holding up her end without any negative consequences? Although the ship has sailed, OP should have stopped paying as soon as it started negatively impacting him financially. If OP doesn’t stop paying now, we should all personally come to his house and slap some sense into him.
If her performance in school has been spotty and she’s had to re-take a huge number of classes, she doesn’t want that degree. I’ve got to guess that it’s something “suggested” by the parents insisting that she needs to have a plan for her life.
What she apparently wants to do is DJ/sound/roadie for the garage band she’s interested in. That’s what she’s spending her time doing, even if it requires the inconvenience of hours driving to Delaware.
Has she ever actually done anything related to the degree she’s studying for? Job, internship, volunteer, even just as a hobby? Because I’m betting that even if she did re-take that last class and actually graduate, what would not then happen is that she’d go out and get a job with her degree. Because after she graduates she’ll have more time to do what she actually seems to want to do.
Either way, stop paying for her.
I think part of the problem is that the OP has seen her college attendance as his problem when it’s really not his problem. To the point in bold, this kind of thinking is exactly why he has treated his daughter’s irresponsibility as his problem to solve for so long. And look at where it has gotten him?
If she doesn’t register for the class in time to take it next semester, what is the worst that can happen? That she has to take it later to get her degree? Okay, not ideal, but not the end of the world. If she never follows through to get her degree, what’s the worst that can happen? That she continues the floundering aimless path that she’s been on all of her life? Okay, not ideal, but not the end of the world. If she’s not bothered enough by the prospect to get her act together, then the OP shouldn’t be either. That’s how I see it.