My stepdaughter pisses me off yet again

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve posted about her previously. She’s my wife’s younger daughter and she’s been a PITA to me for over ten years. She’s 31 years old, occasionally employed, took ten years to get her degree in education on my wife’s dime (but can’t teach because she didn’t want to complete the in-class practical sessions), and is generally a “free spirit” (in the bad sense).

So, we just drove 700 miles from home to visit my wife’s family for two weeks, bringing our two big dogs along. We have rented a small lakeside cottage which has basically a common area/kitchen, a decent-sized bedroom, a tiny bedroom with a kids’ bunk bed, and one tiny bathroom. There’s no fenced yard, so the dogs have to be walked several times a day. And, frankly, my back aches from driving 700 miles using my 70 YO body.

Yesterday evening, stepdaughter shows up at the house bringing a bunch of little gifts, like four potatoes, a few fresh carrots, a candle, etc. After about twenty minutes, my wife asks me, “It’s OK if stepdaughter crashes on our couch tonight, isn’t it?” Of course, we’re standing right in front of stepdaughter when she asks. I’m wondering, “Why the hell can’t she go back to her place? It’s not like we’ve been drinking or anything.” Stepdaughter wants to sleep on the couch in the common room.

And…the shoe drops. Stepdaughter just figured, “Hey, why stay at my apartment when I can stay in a lake cottage and eat Mom’s food?” She wants to stay with us the entire two weeks. Naturally, I’m the early riser who needs to walk the dogs at 6:00A, enjoy coffee in the common area, and generally wants to have pleasant mornings without somebody asleep on the couch until 10:00A every morning.

I’m simmering about the whole situation. My wife ambushed me asking about it. My stepdaughter is clueless (among other faults), and I’m being made to look like the bad guy. I pointed out to my wife that our rental contract says “no guests” and I’m forcing the point now.

Fuckety-fuck-fuck…

2

Amen for the contract wording!!!

Man, I’d be pissed off over the ambush. Does your wife understand how wrong that was?

3

No. My wife says, “Well, I had no idea that she was going to want to stay with us.” OK…I can understand that, but it’s obvious that we need to have a side-conversation about a very significant decision. And my vote would be, “No way in hell.”

And I do owe my stepdaughter an apology. It’s only 9:54A and she just got up.

My wife swears she’s going to explain that stepdaughter cannot stay any additional time, but I’ll believe it when I see it. If my wife won’t step up, I’ll have to be the designated asshole. Thanks for that.

4

First, sorry to hear it.

Second, this will probably sound more judgey than intended.

Why did you tolerate it these last ten years? OK, stepdaughter dragged her feet etc. and you were in a lockstep, thinking the end was just in sight? Done is done, but it sounds like it’s “normal” now. Do realize that you’re being signed up for more of the same.

I read years ago that the biggest reason second marriages fail (and don’t even last as long as the first marriages) is children from the first marriage. Maybe it’s a ten year-old who manipulates daddy or a teen who gives mommy fits over her new boyfriend. They’re manipulative (sometimes unwittingly, sometimes not) and new parent is pitted against flesh and blood. One piece of advice the article gave: you have to marry the whole family.

I didn’t have kids so it’s theory to me. But even as adults? Don’t parents want kids to grow strong, independent, capable? Spoil them awhile but they get jobs, careers…? Apparently a lot of parents take pride in never stopping to provide. WTF?

The marriage is supposed to be the primary relationship, held above and before everything and anything else, full stop. And if you didn’t know why then, you know now better than anyone. You can’t be undercut and undermined like that in a relationship with a supposed equal. Rewinding: if the prospective new spouse is so codependent she can’t help enabling the kid, do not marry the person under any circumstance.

I would let your wife know that when she ambushes you like that in the future, the answer is an automatic no.

I’m afraid you’re going to be 80, 90 years old and this step daughter is going to continue glomming on. It sucks to have to explain that to your wife but if you don’t it’ll just keep going. And part of her job is to spare you from having to be a bad guy…it always has been, in this regard.

If you want to push that letter of the contract, ok. But I’d add, “Besides…maybe I want to lounge around in my underwear in the morning, you know?” And, “Oh, when is she having us over to her place for dinner?” You can get historic. “When have we ever had dinner at her place? Did she ever pay back that loan?” Etc.

Just my opinion. Good luck!

5

Preach on, Brother!

Yeah, this whole issue of “failure to fly” has been a huge thorn in my foot for the 8 years we’ve been married. My wife’s previous husband passed away when the girls were in their early teens, and my wife has had a case of big guilt ever since. I have often pointed out that my own parents kicked my sibs and me out at 18, telling us to come home only to visit.

OTOH, stepdaughter DOES live 700 miles away from us, so she is not a constant physical presence.

I basically try to be a nice guy and will accommodate when it’s reasonable. This is not reasonable. When you add in the ambush, it’s just plain irksome.

I would like to have a more extended discussion with my wife about this, but the cottage is quite small and stepdaughter is lying stretched out on the couch doing her social media things. Hasn’t said a word to me since she got up 40 minutes ago.

6

In and of itself, I don’t see it as a problem for a kid to want to stay with her mom. Being 700 miles away, I’m guessing they don’t get to spend time together a lot. Lots of mothers-daughters are close and it would be unusual for them to not stay together in such a situation. I don’t see this as her trying to glom off her and get some free food. I see this as a daughter wanting to spend time with her mom (and vice-versa). You mentioned a small bedroom. Could she stay there instead of on the couch? And BTW, do you have any kids of your own?

7

If your wife agrees (genuinely agrees) that SD can’t stay any longer, offer to step up and be the designated asshole. Your wife gets to avoid being ‘mean’ to her daughter. You get to be an asshole to someone who has been annoying you, with no backlash from the wife for being ‘mean’ to her daughter. You get your living room back.

You’re already irritated at being ambushed by this plan, don’t compound it by dropping a ball in your wife’s court that she may be unable to play.

8

Just Say No.

Get in touch with your ‘inner asshole’ and politely but firmly tell SD that, no, I’m sorry, but you cannot stay another night.

Discuss with your wife first. Your wife doesn’t necessarily have to agree. Tell her that you need this. It’s a requirement, for yourself. But at least tell your wife ahead of time. If she ultimately doesn’t agree, then say okay, we’ll have to agree to disagree, but ask her to not disagree with you in front of SD.

Do it today. Get over feeling bad about being the bad guy. You’ll be making the best over a bad situation but at least after SD leaves, you’ll be much better off.

And then in the coming quieter, more relaxed days you can discuss with your wife how this was an ambush, why it was not appropriate to have been put on the spot and asked the question with SD there, and all that.

Stand up for yourself. Let the wife know your boundaries. Discuss and find ways for you two to share time and space with SD.

Just Say No.

Good luck!

9

This is your out, to me at least. Yeah, just saying “no” is good enough on its own, or should be, but if you feel like an asshole for doing it (you shouldn’t) that helps mitigate it.

10

I hope you still got up at 6, made your coffee, played with the dogs, did all your usual stuff. I wouldn’t have been quiet about it, at all.

And yes, say something. You’ll be in the area for 2 weeks, there will be PLENTY of time to see everyone, no need for sleepovers. You need your peace and quiet and it’s absolutely fair that you get it.

12

Actually, saje, I did. You’ve pretty much summed it up. The dogs want to get up and go out and it’s my job to keep them happy. Screw the person who invited herself on to our couch.

I’m happy to have the family (and her old friends) over for reasonable periods. I’m happy to go over to their homes, which I did last night, to celebrate the grandson’s birthday dinner. If my wife (or both of us) want to go out and meet people, have dinner as a group, or just visit, I’m up with it. But sleepovers of indeterminate lengths are not on my agenda. After 70 years, we’ve earned the right to say, “Nope. We old folks have to stick to some habits and personal schedules, along with rest periods every now and then. We close by 10:00 every night and don’t open until 10:00 the next morning.”

13

While we are not married, we’ve been together a long time. Our relatives have been a positive force in our relationship. My kids love my gf; they’ve told her that they’ve never known me to be happier than I have been since we’ve been together. My in-laws are all great people.

When my daughter was relocating back to our area, my gf suggested we offer her a place to stay, which we did. My daughter lived with us almost a year, and it was awesome. I became more creative in the kitchen (showing off), teaching her some of what I know, and we went out to see live music even if we were tired after a day of work.

/positive hijack.

14

Don’t be a doormat. Enforce your rules, and fuckem if they don’t like it. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you have to be nice to them.

15

Well, I do get along just fine with most of my in-laws, including the huge, extended family of my late wife.

But stepdaughter is moody and entitled. She’s always broke and/or unemployed. She goes to bed at 1:00A and gets up at 10:00A or later. While she’s not at all malicious or hurtful, she invariably has an “emergency” of some kind that’s going to require time and money (usually our money).

I totally get that she wants to spend time with her mother. That’s one reason we’re here. If my wife had said, “Honey, stepdaughter would like to stay with us when we visit,” I would have suggested renting a bigger place. And I would have asked that it be for a limited period of time, like a week.

I suggested that stepdaughter stay in the bedroom with the bunk beds, but they are small and she asked for the couch. Plus, all my things are in that bedroom because the main bedroom is so small that we can’t get my stuff in there with my wife’s. (My wife did not want to inconvenience me by tossing my stuff into the common room.)

16

I think this is a point that needs to be forcefully communicated to wife and DIL. You are not demanding there be no visitors or that DIL can’t be around. You are simply stating that acceptable visiting hours for seeing family are between 10am to 10pm. Asking for a little time/space each day so you are not around them 24/7 is not unreasonable.

17

If you end up allowing a few days, stick step-daughter in the bunk bed room, and don’t move any more of your stuff then you need to. She doesn’t need to be comfortable, but it would get you the living room back.

Be as loud and as demanding as you want. In fact, since she’s there and has working limbs, have her walk the dogs and do the dishes.

18

I’ll just say this:

At 70 years old, you’re allowed to be “selfish” and have your morning time coffee in peace.

At 30 years old, one is way past due to understand boundaries.

Here’s to hoping you have the will to set those boundaries and not feel like an “Asshole” for it.

19

At 70 you can do whatever the fuck you wanna do. I say that as a 63 year old already clinging to tha t assumption.

20

But why are you allowing her to sleep in until 10am?
Continue to do what you usually do in the morning. Bang the pots & pans while making your coffee. Turn on the radio loudly to check the weather. Get the dogs excited, jumping & barking about going for their morning walk. Invite some noisy friends to join you for coffee in the morning.

Or you can do what you should have done in the first place, and say “No”. Never too late.

21

Are you absolutely sure she’s telling the truth? Because this whole thing feels like a planned, coordinated ambush.