A rant about my stepchildren and their mother.

So last night, Mr Winnie comes into my office and says, “Hey, D’s eighteenth birthday is next month. M asked me if I want to go out for his birthday. What do you think?” (D is his son, M is his ex-wife, A (who has not appeared in the story yet) is his 16-year-old daughter. They live in San Diego.)

“Absolutely. Let’s go.”

So he calls M and says “I talked to Winnowill - we’ll be out for D’s birthday.”

Silence.

Next thing I know, he’s heading outside to continue the conversation where I can’t hear it. This never bodes well. But I continue doing what I’m doing (installing a SCSI card in my computer), waiting to hear the latest in the continuing saga of my stepchildren and the ex-wife.

Welllll, as it turns out, the invitation to come out was extended to Mr Winnie ONLY. I am specifically excluded. A, whom I have not seen in more than a year, does not want me there. No, it is not her birthday. Mr Winnie, happily, has refused to bend to this restriction, saying that it’s both of us, or neither.

Apparently, it is M’s firm belief that children should always come before a marriage. Which is why she is now divorced. And her children, who mostly ignore their father, should come before his wife, with whom he lives. Yep. This is a woman who has made her daughter singularly ill-suited for life in the Real World by consistently sheltering her from the harsher side of reality. Like the fact that most people will not bend over backwards to be nice to her, and that some people will actually go out of their way to be unkind. Like the fact that hiding behind mommy’s skirts won’t make problems go away.

Now, I admit freely that, not being overly fond of children of any age, I am not the best candidate in the world for Stepmother of the Year. I put forth some effort, but, as I’m feeling my way here, I’ve made mistakes. However, my stepdaughter has in no way shown that she has any interest in overlooking them or forgiving them. In fact, showing a remarkable level of selfishness and self-centeredness, she actually remarked to her mother that she was very upset that her father would marry a woman who not only didn’t know how to be a mother, but didn’t know how to be a stepmother, either. Well, she’s been a piss-poor stepdaughter, and an even worse full daughter to her father. She doesn’t care that he’s found someone he’s happy with - her only concern is herself. She’s mad at him because he moved away from San Diego when she was six. She’s mad at him because when he moved back out west he didn’t go there. She’s mad at him because he once called her the day BEFORE her birthday (this was four years ago - she hasn’t gotten over it yet). And, most of all, she’s mad at him for marrying me.

Well, for someone who shows such remarkable self-interest, she’s not being very forward-thinking. Mr Winnie and I are poised to make a bit of money over the next few years. Right now, having just moved into our dream house, we don’t have much for extras or anything. But, right about the time she’ll be wanting a car for college, we will be doing much better.

And, when I buy my Jaguar, I sure hope she’s envious.

A child acting selfish and self-centered? You’re kidding!

Clearly, his daughter feels neglected and ignored by him and is looking for attention. Maybe she’s resentful because he hasn’t fullfilled her needs.

Perhaps you should take the high road and let his kids spend time with him alone. I mean, he does have an obligation to them and it sounds like you’re threatened by her.

Turning every family event into a you vs. them situation isn’t going to solve any problems.

The fact that Mr. Winnie refuses to exclude you or allow his daughter to dictate to him is absolutely admirable.

However…it would be very selfless of you to encourage him to attend his son’s birthday. Divorce is hard on kids and if they react imaturely, well, they are immature.

You are right, his ex-wife should have been the grown up and insisted that you both be invited, but if you are the grown up in these situations, you can help Mr. Winnie foster a better relationship with his children, which will serve everyone better in the future than bitterness and jealousy.

We’ve been together for EIGHT YEARS. Believe me, in this time, he’s had PLENTY of opportunity to spend time with them alone. He’s visited them in San Diego without me. They’ve come here when I’ve been away. I have no problem giving him and them their space - I welcome it. What I object to is being directly and specifically excluded.

I’m hardly threatened by her. I’m actually quite a bit more pissed off about the way she treats her father. Despite our repeated invitations, requests, and coaxing she has not visited here since last March. If she feels neglected and ignored, she has only to look to herself for the reason why.

And, finally, how do you figure I’ve turned everything into a “Them vs Me” situation?

BTW - Mr Winnie and M were divorced when A was six months old and D was two and a half. This is not a new development.

Winnowill,

It really does get better.

When I first met my husband, his two kids were the same age as your husband’s. They were *utter * bitches to me. I didn’t know what to do at first, having had no experience with divorce and everything it entails. Once I got over my initial confusion ( I never did anything to them, they don’t know me, I am really trying, etc.) I realized that they were in a difficult position as well. Parents divorced, a distant mother ( a totally insane piece of trash bitch. I have first hand experience of this) and all of that teen angst on top of it. Of course they didn’t throw a welcoming party.
I got through it by not getting involved in the pissing contests. Anything having to do with the three of them and the mom, stayed with them. If they wanted to involve me by asking my opinion or getting in my face, only then did I do so. It took a few years for them to realize that my children (with their Dad) and I weren’t trying to steal their Dad’s affection or take their place. 10 years on we are the best of friends.
I’ve gone through the birthday thing as well. Hubby would not go without me, even though I insisted. We ended up going together. I stayed at the hotel while he went to the party with his gift. The next day we took the birthday girl to a fancy dinner and gave her a joint gift. The sister with the issues stayed home.
Don’t feel bad if you and A never get along. Just because you two are now related dosen’t mean you have to be best buddies. As long as everyone’s civil, things should be fine.

Thanks, Granuaile. The thing is, though, that none of this is new. She never knew her parents when they were together, so it’s not like she can think I’m trying to replace her mother. And she acted…okay…until about two years ago. But - MAN! - can she hold a grudge. She remembers things I said in passing six years ago and holds them against me. LET IT GO, for crying out loud. She still bitches about the fact that I wouldn’t let her watch an R-rated movie when she was ten. (And, no - I am not exaggerating. M has mentioned this to Mr Winnie repeatedly.)

And, while, yeah - I could take the so-called “high road” and let it go, I feel that that would just be setting a precedent that ultimately would put me “on the outside looking in” for any kind of event. And I won’t let that happen, and neither, thankfully, will Mr Winnie.

I was taught as a child that a married couple is a unit. That it is the height of impropriety to invite one and not the other. However, I have seen that good manners in this family (Mr Winnie excepted, of course) only extend so far as not to inconvenience the family members.

Some of you may remember the thread I posted a few months ago when D drove into the ocean. I believe it was lost in the Winter of Our Missed Content. The situation with him is completely different, because he respects and values Mr Winnie. I wouldn’t care if he hated my guts (he doesn’t) just because of that. But A - when she considers him at all, she looks at Mr Winnie as a gift resource. “What can I get out of him?” Well, lately, not much. Just for that very reason.

Winnowill, you’re right about a married couple being a unit - you can’t have one without the other. And I also think you’re right about not letting the girl dictate to the two of you. Sounds as if that’s one of few doses of reality she’ll have in her young life. She has no idea what faces her when she enters life at large.
I have little patience and less respect for parents who let their lives be dictated by their kids. Not to say that Mom and Dad should never yield - some battles aren’t worth fighting - but if a couple permit anyone else to divide and conquer, who knows where it may lead?
Good luck to you both. Can I have a ride in your jaguar?? :smiley:

I don’t know how easy it is to get over your father abandoning you when you are six years old.

You get to live with him every day. He moved away from her and has lived in a diffrent state since she was six. She is young and I can understand how she would put some of her hurt feelings into hating you. That is what kids do.

I am not saying that she isn’t a brat. I don’t know her, maybe she is. But, you are the grownup and you don’t seem to be very understanding of her. How is she suppose to be understanding of you?

Winnowill, being a step parent is tough. I hope, in the end the kids come to their senses about building a stronger relationship with their dad and with you. My stepson (27yrs old) and I have a very strong relationship. It has gotten better over the last 10 yrs. even though his mother and I have been divorced since 1995. His older brother and I never bonded.

Bye the bye, when is that dreamhome house warming party?

Speaking from the other side here:

As a child of divorce from an extremely young age, I feel the need to throw my vote in with Winnowill. God knows, I could be a blessed snot of a child, but my parents did not put up with it, and made it clear my step-'s wouldn’t either. I like to think I came out the better for it. (Of course, the seven step-sib’s I got saddled with may have helped too.) You and Mr. Winnie are taking the best course.

I’m sorry there is such tension in your family.

When my pathetic brother-in-law walked out on my sister (to live a few streets away with another woman) it devastated the two boys (aged 7 + 9).
Since then my sister has raised them both on her own (obviously the rest of the family helped, but you know what I mean)and they now have good jobs following a full education. By contrast, their father has gone bankrupt and is now on his third woman.
However one of the boys detests his father, while the other can’t understand why my sister won’t take him back.

Also, as a teacher, I see the disruptive effects of divorce on kids at school. They inevitably feel let down, even abandoned. This affects their work, relationships (both family and friends) and the trauma can last for years.

When the absent parent forms a new relationship, the child often feels further betrayed (even if this is completely unjustified).

In my experience you should be as polite as possible despite provocation. This is not a contest, and you may never establish a good relationship, but I’m sure that is the best thing for you and their father.

I think your remarks about the future car were unfortunate. This is not a situation where material rewards or punishments are appropriate.

Hope things work out.

It’s not you and it’s not her - it’s just this situation.

Sheesh, she’s a teenager. They are all practically selfish by nature! Children aren’t really of the mindset to forgive step-parents their mistakes. I wouldn’t take it so personally - there’s probably not a damn thing you could do OR be that would please her right now. 16 year olds and certainly 8 year olds (her age when you two got together?) don’t think, “Boy, I’m glad my daddy found someone to be happy with, other than my mommy.” I wouldn’t take it personally or get in a petty pissing contest.

Tibs.

I think you’re in a no-win situation, so just ride the wave. My parents divorced when I was young and both remarried.

I can’t say I actually felt all the emotions of “being left,” or “alone,” or my parents being “replaced,” but I know I was not a happy camper for years.

I don’t know what it might be like for some over-protected 16 year old girl, though. I was working at 16 and rarely said a word to any family member for days at a time.

Today, I have an odd relationship with all parts of my family. Unlike my wife, who’s (huge) family has always been together and tight-knit, and she has several sibling to boot while I’m an only child, I don’t care much for the concept of family.

My wife is my family. Everyone else can rot.

After all these years I’m on speaking terms with my parents only as far as say, long-time co-workers.

My emotional ties to my parents and their families have been severed. I get along with them, we get together for holidays, but that’s about it.

I sure as hell hope they don’t expect something more.

Better a father who has moved away to get a job in order to support you than an unemployed deadbeat. That’s why he moved.

And, FCM, when I get my Jag, free rides for everyone who wants to come down to Phoenix! :slight_smile:

I didn’t say that he didn’t feel he had a good reason to move for Winnow. But a child isn’t going to understand. A child is going to feel abandoned. A child is going to wonder why her father didn’t get a job where he could be closer to her. A child is going to want her father to continue trying to get a job closer to her rather the buying a dream house in another state.

Maybe as she gets older she will understand more. But it is hard to move past the old feelings of abandonment.

Winnowill, I really feel for you. I know you’re in a tough position, and I have a friend who is the stepmom of two teenagers. She has stories of how she can never ever win that unbearable frustrating to hear (much less LIVE)–yet they’re woefully common.

It is unfortunate that your stepchildren’s mom doesn’t back your husband up on this. It would go a long way towards your stepdaughter getting some maturity. You are your husband’s wife. They are no longer a nuclear family. That’s the way it is.

In Conceivable has an important point though, as per the daughter’s perspective. I mean, I am sure it is hard for her to concieve that there was no way for her father to find a job anywhere near San Diego. I don’t know the realities of the job market so I can’t speak to this area, but I’m damn sure a 16-yr old has even less insight than me and is likely to draw damning conclusions that fit her worldview.

I don’t know if I could have ever gotten over it if my Dad had elected to move away from me. I cannot imagine how my son would ever recover from it if my husband took a job that prevented then from being together regularly. You gotta understand how horrible that must be for a kid. Even if the reasons are/were compelling to the adults.

I guess my only point is that it is sad that your husband and you can’t have a better relationship with his children. I think that it is up to the adults to make the relationship better, not the children. The daughter didn’t cause the problems. She is just trying to deal with it the best she can. Six year old children don’t know how to deal hurt feelings and abandonment well and it and it often spills over for years afterwards.

Maybe in a few years it will get better.

And maybe it won’t, grubber!

All right. I think I’m done trolling for the month.

I just want ot say that this really is a difficuly subject and it is tough on kids. But as a one-time kid and now parent, I tell you not to find it inconce … er, unrealistic that it is just as difficult for either side here.

And don’t assume the kids will improve with age. I have a stepsister who is a rightious, uppity bitch because that’s what her mom is and she’s never changer worth a lick.