Winnowwill, I am in a similar situation. I have gone through very much what you have gone through but am further along since they are older. My dear woman, you have had it SOOOO easy. I’ve had to LIVE with them. In the same house. TOGETHER! Get the idea? Count your blessings! Their behavior was so bad when living with us that I even contemplated divorce.
I have to empathize with you. People who are not in the same situation can preach and look down at you but they don’t have to live it. Every day. All day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after year. No break. It really wears you down.
You have all the duties and responsibilities of a real parent but none of the advantages. You get no credit for anything good you do and triple the condemnation for mistakes and no inherent respect. It truely can suck.
All along, you think it will get better. It doesn’t in my experience. As adults, they feel that the will should reflect that they get half the marital assets if your wife dies, even though you are her husband and you made over 80% of the money. When you want a new car, it is expected that you GIVE them your old car. If you ask for an even lower-than-market-value for the car, you are an ass. If you do give the car, not even a thanks since you were supposed to do this. Having one sit in your new house, liking it and proclaiming “I’m gonna live here when you die” (I had a pit thread on this when it happened). I could just imagine if I got into medical/financial trouble when older - I can even hear the “He’s not my father!” now.
What is so discouraging is that I so wanted a good relationship with them and tried real hard when starting out. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe you have to demand respect from the start?
(I don’t know why you have to call me names Gorgon. I never did anything to you or called anyone names. And besides, I thought admitting you are trolling is a bad thing even in the pit.)
Winnie, I am both a step-daughter and a step-mother, and I totally think you are in the right here.
My parents divorced when I was three and my dad pretty much disapeared. When I was 8 I asked my mom to promise never to re-marry. When I was 16, she did.
There was never an option for me to be disrespectful or rude to my step-father. He is the man who is making my mother happy, and that’s good enough for me. If I had acted the way your step-daughter is acting, my whole family would have come down on me.
While I do think you should stand your ground, I also think you should go out of your way to be polite and respectful towards the kids without letting them run over you. In other words, don’t let your step-daughter bully your husband into coming to this birthday dinner without you, but do invite her to come along when you take your step-son out for a second one.
I guess I am lucky with my step-children. I have been with them for over a year, since they were 2 and almost 3, and they see me as their mommy. It’s actually kind of funny when their bio-mom comes to get them and they’re shouting, “Hi, Mommy! Bye, Mommy! I’ll miss you, Mommy! Let’s go, Mommy!”
Winnowill, you seem to be in the right here. And it makes a HUGE difference that your husband is backing your play. If he wasn’t, then I think you’d be in real trouble.
A good friend of mine (who is 21 years old!) will officially become the stepmother of an 11 year old girl next Saturday. Thankfully, Autumn loves her “new mom”- in fact, at the bridal shower when someone asked her what she was going to call Elise, she said “Oh, I like to call her Mom.” Not a dry eye in the room, I have to tell you. Bio-mom is a bitch who never sees her anyway, so…
Hang tough, and remember- this isn’t about you. It’s about A and her bullshit. You don’t have to buy into it. Just be polite and keep your side of the street clean.
What a charmmed life she must lead to think that adults will bend to her will.
I’m a step-child and a step-mother.
Dad and step-mom made it clear that children weren’t to be included in anything. Dad didn’t want children and had three (my evil mother tricked him!) Step-mom married dad because he got that taken care of so she would be sure to have no children.
Dad and I are close now that I am an adult and he spoils my children, and step-mom, her new hubby and their two children (which she gave birth to and are the same age as my youngest two and concieved through artificial means since she decided that yes she did really want children but married another man who was done having children) are pretty close now as well.
But, we played hell with her before she ever even married dad. As a teen I was pretty impressed that I could make the woman weep at the drop of a hat!
Now I’m a step-mom!
I’ve apologised to my step-mother for everything I have ever done to her, and we actually had a good laugh.
My step-heathen is great. Don’t get me wrong she has her moments but so do most teens.
Her mother and I are really close. Best friends really.
But she does on occation pull the my family your family thing. Or the my brothers and sisters thing.
See, she has three half siblings at her moms, two half-siblings here, and two step-siblings here as well.
It used to really upset me when she would refer to them as brothers and sister and the ones here she would point out that they weren’t her “real” siblings.
Neither are the ones you live with dear, and I don’t play that way.
I grew up with a half brother but nobody ever knew he was anything but my brother.
My children don’t point out to others that she isn’t their “real” sister.
I guess it just kind of stings a bit.
Oh, and my sig line is courtesy of her.
Notice I didn’t mention she is a “step” child or that the uncle was her bio moms brother and not mine?
To me it doesn’t matter.
I married her father I love her as my own flesh and blood.
But to tell a little truth I will be glad when her mom is off the payroll!
No personal experience (thank the High Ones), but some local sympathy coming your way. I’ve seen friends go through the step-parent thing, and it can be pretty thankless. Hope it gets better.
PS- I wouldn’t go for a Jag if I were you. You KNOW the electrical systems die when the temp goes over 105. It does look awfully cool sitting in the driveway, though, especially for that first year before the paint fades.
Truthfully, three or four years ago, Mr Winnie would probably have acceded to the request to leave me behind. At the time, he was under the impression that the whole problem between A and me was my fault - she was an innocent bystander. He has since been disabused of this notion by her overall behavior toward him, which he hasn’t done much to warrant, and he’s realizing that all of the effort that has gone into the relationship has been put forward by me or by him - she hasn’t done a damn thing.
Theobroma - the Jag will be pampered and garaged. And, since Ford took 'em over, they’re not the maintenance nightmare they used to be!
It sounds like you’ve had a very rough time with the stepchildren. However, I think you’re absolutely wrong for screwing over your stepson because you are incapable of having a civil relationship with a 16 year old girl. She’s 16 for Chrissake! Show me a 16 year old girl who isn’t a moody, self-centered, know-it-all bitch a good part of the time and I’ll show you monkeys flying out of my butt.
Be the grownup and take the high road for a change. Your husband is committed to you and obviously values his relationship with you more than his children, which could be one reason they’re so resentful of you. What’s the big fucking deal? It’s the son who’s getting fucked here, not you and not the daughter and not the ex-wife. Why not go to San Diego for the weekend with your husband and let him go the party or whatever while you do your own thing? Would that be so intolerable?
Frankly, it sounds like both kids have had plenty of lessons in reality without you rubbing it in their faces all the time.
I agree with what KSO just said, and I want to add that you are really under-valuing the feelings of rejection a child has when a parent chooses not to be with the child. Seeing a child on a regular basis and sending a check for support does not even come close to the daily contact a child craves. Mr. Winnie chose to give that up by moving away, and that’s what a child sees and feels…he chose to be away from me.
My ex’s wife (we don’t call her step-mom because she hates my kids and has never tried to even be friendly) made his life miserable if he spent time with the kids, so he didn’t…and they haven’t forgotten. Even when he lived a few doors away, he didn’t spend time alone with the kids…if they went to his place, she was there, and it was very uncomfortable for the kids…they never felt they could just be themselves. They felt they always had to be on company manners when they were with him, in order to keep her happy. So going to see him evaporated, and he never came to see them. They still, to this day, feel rejected and want no part of him.
So let the kids see their dad alone, and then take birthday boy out for a second mini-party with the two of you.
“Taking the high road” - what exactly does that mean? Allow myself to be excluded from all family activities? What end does that serve? This sets a precedent, and, frankly - it’s one I won’t permit to be set. And, if you’ve read my posts here, you’ll realize that the kids see their dad alone. He goes to San Diego without me, and I have no problem with that. It’s when I am being, as I’ve said before, SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDED, that I have a definite issue.
And how, pray, is my stepson getting fucked here? It ain’t my fault. Blame his sister and his mother. I’m happy to go to his “party” (if that’s what it is, I don’t even know). My husband is happy to go. But we’re going together, or not at all. If he wants his father there, he’ll let his younger sister know that she should back off.
Sixteen year-olds can be bitchy, I know. I was. But the child’s mother should not be encouraging this behavior.
That son knows damn well what’s going on with his sister. If she is a typical 16 year old girl, she is bending her brother’s ear constantly with the “she’s such a bitch step-monster” rant.
Dad & Winno won’t be there because the mother specifically excluded her. That is no-one’s doing but their own loving mother, and it’s crap.
I can’t remember which board I saw it on recently, but it had to do with in-laws, steps, etc- they may not like each other, but they love us, so they deal and get along. Bio-mom should try it.
She asked how her stepson was getting fucked and I told her. I didn’t say that it was her fault. But, the fact is the boy wants his father to be at his birthday party and because of the hatred between Winnow and the daughter he won’t be there.
Nothing in the world would have stopped my father from being there when I turned 18. He would have made it work out somehow. Of course my father was always there for me and would never have married someone who freely admitting to not being overly fond of children of any age because he always put his children first.
That’s exactly the reason Mr Winnie is no longer married to the woman in question, as mentioned earlier.
I am not playing a game. I didn’t start this, and I don’t want it, but there it is. I have no hatred for any of these people, either. I have a smattering of contempt for the ex-wife, but, one-on-one, I like her. I don’t hate my stepdaughter. If she weren’t so wrapped up in herself, I might actually like her, too. And I love my stepson. Why should I be excluded from something that I WANT to attend?
And it isn’t M who’s doing the excluding. It’s the daughter who has demanded it, and M, who believes in giving her children whatever they want, who is going along with it rather than rock the daughter’s boat and putting her in a position where - gasp! - she might actually have to do something she doesn’t want to do.
Winnowill… whatever the details of the various problems you are having with his kids, you really might stop and consider…she’s a child. You are an adult. In any given situation, it is to be expected that ** you ** are supposed to be wise enough, self-confident enough, mature enough, to weather and deal with her child nature. Children are selfish, emotional, manipulative. They are helped to grow out of it by seeing examples of better behavior around them and in response to them.
I think it is especailly incumbent upon you to rise and be wise in any battle between you precisely because you are not fond of children.
Instead of being pissed and annoyed and put upon about all this, you might want to look upon it as a truly golden opportunity for growth in yourself. The choices you make in dealing with her can bring about amazing changes in you…and maybe even in her. And I am willing to bet good money that you will * never, ever * bring about the positive change you would like to see by butting heads with her unnecessarily and/or looking upon your relationship with her as any kind of rivalry. (You won’t endear yourself to your husband, either.)
Just one woman’s opinion. (Who has no children and is not overly fond of them either, btw)
Stoid - I actually agree with you. And I would love to put your advice into effect. However, if the child never comes to visit and refuses to allow me into her presence, how exactly is this supposed to come to pass?
She will not talk. She prefers to sit and pout and it’s like pulling teeth to find out what’s bothering her, even for her mother. Which is why it’s been a year and a half since I’ve laid eyes on her, but just now found out that there was an issue other than a general disinclination on her part to visit (and, frankly, I don’t blame her for not wanting to come to Phoenix in the summer when she lives in San Diego). Last time I saw her, there was no indication that anything was wrong; in fact, I thought it was one of the more positive visits we’d had. Now, after all this time, I discover that this was apparently not the case. She’s so overly sensitive, though, that a passing and completely innocent remark gets taken the wrong way and she’s upset. (Once, I made a slighting comment about Britney Spears that she took offense to.) But we never hear about it until later - and then from her mother. And she never lets it go, either. Once you’ve offended her, she’ll remember it until her dying day - even if you don’t know that you have.
While I sympathize with having to deal with the pettiness you’ve been facing in this situation, I don’t think you have the right to attend.
Those kids did not sign up for any of this. They did not ASK for their dad to leave. They did not ASK for a new step-mommy that doesn’t like kids, who may or may not demand to be invited to events involving their dad. Because you have no day-to-day part in the children’s lives, your job is to stay the fuck out of the way so their dad can salvage some sort of relationship with them. I don’t care how badly they’ve treated you. I don’t care if you think her mother is raising them poorly. I don’t care if they have a bad attitude. This whole situation has ZERO to do with you and your feelings. ZERO. You married the wrong guy. He and the kids were a package deal.
Oh, for God’s sake. [climbs onto soapbox with megaphone] Winno IS being the grown up here. Part of being an adult is standing up for yourself against other people’s bullshit. And believe me, dictating who is and isn’t invited to someone else’s party is bullshit of an amazing degree. You know what else? Part of being an adult (and a parent of any variety) is helping maintain boundaries of acceptable behavior. This kid is stepping way over the line, someone needs to call her on it, and her mother is obviously not going to. So her father and Winno have to be grown up enough to do it for her.
As for Winno not having a right to be there, this is a family event, and she is a member of that family. The ex and the daughter may not like her, but who does like every single one of their relatives? If the son wants her there, she should be there. He should not have to choose between excluding his dad and Winno and having his sister take her pissiness out on him. If the ex in this situation was truly an adult, she would tell the girl that this is her brother’s 18th birthday and nothing is going to spoil it for him, even if they have to staple her fucking mouth shut.
Count your blessings! 