SmithWife and I took the SmithKids (Cinderella, 3 1/2 and BamBam, 16 Months) for Chinese food Saturday. Who should I spy across the room, but my estranged father and my sister. Last time I saw my father SmithWife was pregnant with Cinderella. Last time I saw my sister, she was about the same age my daughter is now.
It was awkward.
I didn’t tell my kids “This is your grandfather”. Did I mention SmithWife hadn’t met him, either? I quietly indicated who he was to SmithWife, then kind of introduced the SmithKids. So, SmithWife is only expecting Egg Rolls and Chop Suey, but meets her Father-In-Law.
Yeah, it was pretty bizarre. Fortunately, my kids were oblivious. BamBam is mostly oblivious to everything, anyways, as he is preoccupied with finding new things to climb upon and break. I was a bit concerned about my daughter, and so very carefully selected my words, phrases, etc. throughout the conversation. I don’t know what the future holds, but being introduced to her grandfather in a Chinese Resteraunt is not good enough for my little girl. I gently and briefly questioned her when we got home to see what impact, if any, the encounter had on her so I could explain anything that required explaination. But she was nonplussed.
Do you think your father will try to make contact now that he’s seen his grand kids? I don’t know what kind of man he is, or why you are estranged, but it seems to me he’d want to get to know his grand kids now that he’s seen them. Would you want him to make contact? That had to be just beyond bizarre to see your father and sister like that.
He essentially wrote me off when I was 18. I think he was really pushed to do it by his wife, but my grandparents got in on the act, too. That was in the midst of me trying to reconcile with them, after our relationship had been broken for a couple of years. It was Christmas 1988, and I was feeling all down in the dumps because my father and I couldn’t get along. So I invited him over to talk, tried to push the let bygones be bygones angle, but he wouldn’t have it. I envisioned this Christmas Day love fest wherein I would be re-integrated to my father’s side of the family. Instead, the answer was “Sorry, you’re not welcome.”
I spoke with him exactly twice since then, roughly at 6-year intervals. The last time was in 2001 - I called him and tried to initiate another reconciliation. Ultimately (after getting together once or twice) my wife got a call from my grangmother (his mother). Her schtick was “Oh, goodness, we don’t know how we ever fell out of touch with Winston, we’d love to see him again, etc.” This angered me because 1) they unanimously ejected me from the family, now she was adopting a position of feigned ignorance; and 2) the tacit message from my father was - reconcile with them, and then we’ll see about you and I. That also angered me, and I didn’t pursue it any further. Prideful? Yes. But these people hurt me when I was a young and impressionable teen. My grandparents took up sides against me (which will be explained in a moment).
Here’s the last piece of the puzzle - it’s a little complicated, but I hope I’m able to make it clear. Most of this stems from my Step Mother. She never wanted me around, and by the time I was 17, I was kind of a rebelious teen type - drinking, smoking (both the tabaccy and the wacky tabaccy), skipping school, etc. My mom worked full-time trying to support us, and was also trying to have a social life and maybe meet another man. So I had lots of unsupervised time on my hands, and made the most of it (in a teen-pot-head-very-immature-bad-decision-maker kind of way). Anyways, she (my Step Mother) didn’t want me around, I was behaving in such a way as to give her reason to object to having me around, and the final straw came when her step father died and I didn’t send along my condolences. I guess this really made her flip her lid, and was the last straw. What’s my excuse? I guess I don’t have one. Her step dad had been pretty nice to me and all, but she was a real bitch to me, and we weren’t really on speaking terms then, anyhow. So she used that as the final stake to drive through the heart of my relationship with my father. She lost her biological father when she was young, and her step father was very much a father to her, so maybe she figured taking my father away would bring hers back, or otherwise bring some cosmic scales of justice back in balance. Who knows.
So. If my father wants to reconcile, and be a part of his grandchildren’s lives, he’s going to have to go all-in: get his wife to swallow her pride or whatever it takes, and welcome my children into their home like family. She doesn’t even have to apologize to me. Hell, other than conversational pleasantries, she doesn’t even have to speak to me. But my kids are another story. She’ll have to love them, and treat them with the respect, compassion, and dignity they deserve. My children are the most precious thing in the world to me, and I will not have them treated like second-class citizens, with my father serrupticiously meeting them at the God-damned Mall or something to spend time with them. Fuck that. And for the time being, he’s not welcome in my home, so that’s not an option.
We’ll see. So how’s all this rate for therapy fodder? I finally come to terms with never speaking to him again, and BANG! There he is, with my sister. Shit.
I was pretty shaken up on Saturday afternoon. I had studying to do, got exactly 2 pages read and said “That’s it. This isn’t working.” So I had a Glen Garioch Scotch and a Sam Adams. That settled my nerves.
I’m a wee confused. Just how old is your sister? Does she know you at all?
How about you and Dad just talk, and never mind Stepmom? Sounds to me like the best solution and (but this is purely by the way) the one that would piss her off the most, if that is one of your goals. (frankly, it might be one of mine–a secondary one, not a primary one).
I would leave Cinderella out of this–at 3+ she probably couldn’t care less about the old man she met in the restaurant. But she will be mightily intrigued by Daddy’s response.
I know a couple that has a similiar situation–but with that, it’s the Dad(or grandad) who coudn’t care less about his son or son’s kids. His wife, son’s stepmom has a good relationship with them all. But Alan is an ass and won’t even get together at Christmas (he disagreed with a business decision his son made and this is the result. Moron)
Yeah, I’d say awkward about sums it up. Sounds like you handled it as well as could be expected. Hope you can come to terms with the situation, however it turns out. I’m sure it’s emotionally disruptive to have this unresolved.
Have you thought about maybe apologising for being a rotten spoiled teenage brat to your father, step mother and assorted other family? You didn’t go into what she had done before you were 17 but could you possibly have misread her never wanting to have you around? Adolescent angst can really skew your perseption of what is happening, your parents split up, your Dad remarried, your mom is struggling to have a life, you reacted by smoking, drinking, truancy, drugs and blaming it on your stepmother the interloper in your happy childhood. I admit I am kinda confused by the time line but it sounds like you were out of control and they tried to practise tough love, ‘either conform to our rules or leave’ and you left. Maybe there is fault on both sides and maybe you having the wisdom that comes from being a parent now yourself can make the first step to healing your family? You sound like you have put those years behind you for the most part and you have accomplished a lot already. Only you can look at the situation from your new perspective and tell if there is something of value there. You are quite right to demand that your children not be treated like something to be ashamed of, give your Dad etc the chance to know how beautiful those children are.
Heh. You make it sound like I was a little monster. It wasn’t really like that. About the worst that was going on when I was exiled was my grades were starting to slip. It had nothing to do with truancy, drugs, etc. But more to do with being raised with almost complete autonomy since I was about 7. I was a immature and selfish kid who’s parents were selfish and immature. Their collective parenting style was to let me fend for myself. If didn’t want to study, nobody made me. As an adult, nobody makes me study, but I do anyhow, because I am a muture man. At 15, though, I wasn’t. A lot of kids were by then, but not me. Life’s like that, I guess. Everyone’s different. And maybe I was a little shit. I’ve grown up to be a pretty condescending and sarcastic man, and that doesn’t happen overnight.
And actually, the Christmas 1988 attempt at reconcilliation was almost exactly what you describe above.
I took complete responsibility for all sins, real and imagined, apologized, and asked for a chance to apologize to my step mother, and in return, I wanted relations to normalize. I always assumed complete responsibility for all that had happened, and it was emotionally crippling. As a matter of fact, I didn’t get my head straight with this until I was in my late 20s. It was too much emotional baggage, and I decided “Yeah, I was a little turd. A dissappointment to them. Whatever. But turning your back on a teenager who needed guidence more than anything else just ain’t right.” I grew up thinking my father didn’t love me. I tried many times to reconcile. He never tried once. I offered to apologize. He wouldn’t accept my apology. I didn’t disrupt his life - I was ejected from it. I accept my share of responsibility, but putting a lifetime of pain on the shoulders of an immature 16-year-old ain’t right. I was ready to apologize and move on 18 years ago.
Disclaimer - I know the timeline still isn’t really clear. I’m 36 now. The 1988 XMas debacle occurred when I was 18. I’d been on the outs already four about 2 years - since I was 16. I’ts hard nailing things down i nthe prose because events didn’t always occur all at once but rather deteriorated over the course of a few years. Hope that helps.
My sister was (I think) about 3 in 1988, though she might have been a bit older than that. I actually don’t think I had seen her since 1986, when she was 1 or so, now that I’ve thought about it for a few days. In otherwords, she’s in her early 20s now. Or thereabouts.
And yes, Cinderella will have no part in dramatic familial arbitrations. I’ll talk to my father one-on-one, if it comes to that. I will absolutely not subject my daughter to complicated family bullshit, or otherwise create a situation where I have to explain why she only sees Grand Dad at the Mall, but never goes to his house, like she goes to her other Grand Dad’s house. If it’s best for my kids to have a relationship with my father (and that means he goes all-in like I mentioned before, I’ll let bygones be bygones. What else can I do?
And yeah, I see what you’re saying about pissing off my step mother, but if there’s any hope of salvaging this whole side of the family I need to stay the course.
Ok…I get where you’re coming from, but these infractions were nothing to disown a kid over. Shit, if that was every parent’s reaction, the family reunion business would fold. Kids fuck up. You don’t cut ties with them when they do.
I read your response and I saw a lot of myself in who you were at that age. I have a very good relationship with my dad. My son has also given me a huge dose of payback, and I’d never consider it grounds to cut off the relationship.
