Winston -your parents sound alot like mine without the stepparent stuff (well, my Dad did remarry briefly and the divorced her and Remarried my mom when I was 21–stay with me, now!).
People who have not experienced the very real terror of being a teen with NO adult guidance whatsoever have nothing to base their judgement on. I am here to tell you that it is sheer luck and common sense (plus a self protective mechanism) that brings me here today, with minimal drug issues (I smoked a bit of pot-there go my political ambitions), no STDs, no teen pregnancy scares, no criminal record, truancy etc.
My mother didn’t care one way or another about me as a teen-as her last child, she just wanted me out of the house, period. My Dad has always just wanted us to be something he can show off to others.
People who come from loving homes cannot fathom this, but it is very real. No, I wasn’t abused or thrown out–I was ignored and 'benignly" neglected-the benign is ironic. Needless to say, the hurt and bitterness this leaves behind is great. And the saddest thing is that the teens take all the shit on themselves. They internalize the rejection and assume that they are flawed. Wrong, wrong, wrong. (not to say that they don’t make bad choices etc-but seriously, some of them do the best they can with almost nothing).
IIWY, I would not budge one iota on your stance. My mother and I never talk about childrearing, I think mostly because she doesn’t want to be shown up in this area (believe me, a cat has more maternal instincts than my mother-at least where I was concerned). It seems to me that this situation is fraught with any amount of angst and potential hurt-you are justified in not exposing your kids to that, IMO.
I do feel kinda sad re your sister, though. Any interest in getting to know her? Is she your sis or your half-sister?
While I would agree with that in a lot of cases, there are some kids who are so out of control with a history drinking, truancy, drugs etc moving into petty crime that they do warrent a parent disowning them. It was hard to tell the extent in Winston’s case from what he said, teenagers have a tendancy(as well as some adults) to downplay how out of control they are and put all of the blame on an easy target and never take responsibility for their actions. It sounds to me like Winston has owned up to his rebellion and has put his life on track but his father and step mother have not. It truly is their loss.
Winston, I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing and have experienced. I have been told “Toxic Parents” is an excellent book for people in situations like yours.
I disagree. If a kid is that out of control, you can remove him from the household and still remain a parent. Still be there for them when they straighten up (and most do). Still be a positive influence rather than casting them to the curb. It is rare when a kid actually deserves to be disowned.
Funny, there are a lot of similarities in our upbringings- sorry for you, too.
And yes: I was intrigued to meet my sister. She seemed really sweet. I have a brother a few years older than her, still 10 or 12 years my junior, though. I told my father I’d like to meet my brother so see what kind of man he’s turned out to be. I knew him a little better than my sister, as he was born when I was 9 or so - there were still a few years where we were at least partly family. But still, I think he was 7 or something last time I saw him.
It’s all very bittersweet. If it was just my father I saw, I’d be ok with the whole thing, and might have just pretended I didn’t see him or something. Maybe said hi, but not introduce him to my wife and etc (“Who was I talking to? Oh, just an old friend”). I don’t know.
Adhemar, thank you, I think I will read that book. I was surprised and not surprised to see you sign off as an ex-social worker. During your time in that capacity, did you find the children were typically at fault in family conflicts?
Heh. Yeah, payback’s a bitch. I’m sure I’ll get plenty from Cinderella and BamBam, although I’ve already decided I’m not going to let either of them date. Ever.
And yes, I think it’s off the hook to write off misbehaving teens. There are better ways.
What I saw was all along the spectrum but I mostly dealt with younger children. By the time they reach late adolecents and young adult stage the courts are dealing more with the problems. There are parents who shouldn’t be allowed to have a pet rock much less a child to raise and parents who have done everything they can to provide a loving stable enviroment and ended up with a child out of a horror movie. I have also seen a lot of teenagers talking about the things they did were no big deal using the same language you did underage drinking, drug use, truancy etc when much more was going on. Clearly, I read more into your statement about your teenage years than you intended. I apologise for that. Being a teenager is tough and being a parent of a teenager is tough, communication issues and acting out are commonplace. Hopefully, the insights you have gained from dealing with your father and stepmother will help you when your children reach those years. While I did none of the things that you mentioned in your rebellion stage, I treated my parents like they were idiots who just couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. I was a jerk and I have apologised to them for the crap I put them through. I have pretty good parents but I have known some others with nightmarish parents and on another group I was on several people commented on how “Toxic Parents” helped them. Give your two little ones an extra big hug tonight.
