Why you don't get to see the grandkids anymore.

The BBQ Pit
1

Because, not only did you laugh at my son when he uttered the phrase “highly perturbed”, but had a whole houseful of perfect strangers calling him “Poindexter”. And then got angry with me when I didn’t give him “the back of my hand” when he told you good friend Taylor “I can’t help it if I’m smart and your not.”

Because you repeatedly told my insecure daughter that her acne was due to her unclean habits (the fact that she’s 13 years old has nothing to do with it according to you). And you got upset with me because I didn’t give her a whupping when she tearfully told you to stop being mean and to leave her alone already.

Because you smacked my son in the face for dropping a piece of chicken on the floor. Because you pinched my daughter’s upper arm until it was bruised in order to teach her “common curtesy” (this because she would not tell another friend of yours that her curry tasted good, even though you admitted it tasted like shit.)

You do not agree with the way I’m raising my children. Specifically, you do not believe I hit them enough. In truth, I don’t hit them at all. My method is better. Let us contrast and compare. I was raised by my grandmother who did not give me the back of her hand when the mood struck her. My two stepsisters were raised by the two of you.

Me: College graduate. Good job. Stable home life. Never been in trouble with the law.
Stepsister #1: High school drop-out. Involved in 2 seperate shooting incidents. Arrested 5 times- so far.
Stepsister #2: Spent 3 years in prison for drug traffiking yet still found time to have 5 kids from 3 different men.

Neither of the children you raised works. But they both keep clean houses and we all know what’s really important, right?

So we don’t agree on how to raise children. I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is how you sneer at my kid’s intelligence and gloat over any tiny mistake they may make. Now you have the nerve to call me and ask why you haven’t seen them in over a month?

Now, if I only had the nerve to tell them this to their faces.

2

Biggirl, my heart breaks for those kids. What ugly people.

Keep them away, please. Of course, I pray that these idiots haven’t heard of these grandparent lawsuits, if they apply in your state.

3

If I were you (and I’m not, so the following means little or nothing at all…) I would send them Pictures of your kids at each of their achievements. That by their actions they are excluding themselves from the chance to enjoy their Grandchildren.

4

Geez, who needs that in their life? Print this and mail it to 'em.

K.
=^…^=
…" "…

5

I think everybody should know their Grandparents, if only so they know that human beings can improve their lot in life. Sounds like your kids are old enough to ask (or even take a bus) if they want to see their grandparents. When they ask, take them. Until then, I agree with the suggestion to send the grandparents pictures.

You don’t need to tell these people off, just avoid them as you would any other asshole and they’ll figure it out.

6

The Illinois Supreme Court ruled last week that grandparents don’t have any “rights” of visitation. However, the ruling is thought too narrow to end those lawsuits forever.

7

I sympathize, but until you get the nerve to tell them, nothing is going to change…

Yer pal,
Satan

*I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Six months, three weeks, two days, 16 hours, 34 minutes and 52 seconds.
8267 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,033.45.
Extra life with Drain Bead: 4 weeks, 16 hours, 55 minutes.

David B used me as a cite!*

8

Biggirl, I am so sorry you’re in this situation. My mother is wonderful and loving to my children but, my former mother-in-law could find NOTHING good to say about my sons. They could do nothing right,as far as she was concerned, and they have never gotten a positive word from her. I know how much it hurts your children because I’ve seen how much it hurts mine. I can’t do or say anything helpful but, you do have my deepest sympathy and warmest thoughts. (((Biggirl)))

9

Good for you, Biggirl and even if these people do ever get grandparents’ visiting rights by force of law, it would surely be clear to them that this form of access to the children is, psychologically and practically, significantly different from being welcomed as honoured and loved family members. All the same, unless their behaviour improves - you could give yourself some kind of notional time limit for this - you might find it better to tell them clearly what is wrong. Best of luck - your children are fortunate in being brought up by you.

10

It’s not that they don’t love my kids, they do. I think it may have more to do with some sort of competition that my Dad and his wife have going on in their heads between me and my kids and my steps.

I get along fine with my steps. They lead a kind of life that I would not feel comfortable in, but they are loving and nice (to me) for the most part. My parents have warned me that if I don’t discipline them with my hands I would be sorry. And they seem to feel the need to say “I told you so”, but they can’t since my children have never given me a reason to be sorry that I don’t beat them.

My parents and I value different things. Keeping a neat house is ultra important to them. Respect for authority, no matter what stupidities the authorities are dishing out and the ever important “what would the neighbors think” values are also high on their list.

And of course they feel they have every right to hit my kids since this is the “right” way. They don’t think they are being mean, they think they’re helping.

11

Biggirl, far be it for me to encourage family feuding, but if I had a policy of raising my kids without physical violence – which, if and when I have kids, I will – and my parents hit them, I would look at them levelly and say “If you ever hit my child again, you will never see him again. I don’t want to deprive my child of his grandparents, so it’s important you understand this.”

You can’t expect your children to understand why hitting is wrong or to believe that YOU truly think it is wrong if you allow their grandparents to strike them. Instead, you are teaching them that SOME adults are allowed to do bad things, even though they are bad, just because they are adults. I’d hate for them to think of that unintended lesson if they ever run into, say, a teacher who tries to touch them inappropriately.

I will also say that while my parents and I get along great, I have never really forgiven them for failing to prevent an uncle from teasing me unmercifully about a physical condition I could do nothing about. I found out years later that they KNEW I was being hurt and they didn’t like it either, but they felt it was more important to preserve family unity than to protect me. Needless to say, I think they made the wrong choice.

12

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant! I’d love to meet your kid. He sounds like an absolute riot. He reminds me of my closest friend (outside my wife) who impressed me the very first day we met in grade 5. Our teacher (a real ogre) was really picking on him that day for no reason I could devine. He simply stood up and announced in a clear voice “Fuck you Mrs. Adelman!”. Well, we all thought she’d had an apoplexic fit. She couldn’t string a sentence together for a full 10 minutes. Of course my friend was sent to the principal’s office but it was worth it and we still laugh about it to this day.

My kids are still very young but I’m teaching them to have the courage and the self-confidence to say just that kind of thing your son did when the occasion calls for it. Of course, as they continue to mature, I hope they still think it but figure out more elegant ways of stating it.

13

I’m with Jodi 1,000% on this one. Explain things in a clear and cogent manner to the grandparents and children alike. Leaving things unsaid is a form of tacit approval. Physical abuse is something no child should ever become accustomed to in any way, shape or form.

This might be a tad uncomfortable for you, but your children will have a far more rational basis for dealing with this unfair treatment. You will also earn much more respect from them this way, than by sweeping this matter under the rug of oblivious attitude.

14

Oh alright… or you could take the high road like Jodi and Zenster suggest. But it isn’t nearly so much fun… a-hem… though ultimately much wiser.

Oh!.. and clean that house Biggirl!! I cannot stand an unkept house. It’s one of my biggest peeves along with poor cooking skills.

15

I feel your pain, biggirl. Well, sort of. I don’t have my kid yet (that bun’s still in the oven) but I have observed my parents, g-parents and his parents to be on the lookout. I have already severed ties with one aunt who told me in no uncertain terms that I should have finished college instead of getting pregnant (yes, I am going back) and basically made me cry the day I made the big annoucement to the family.
Your kids sound great. I am glad you posted because so many people in his side of the family adopt the “live by the rod” philosophy of child rearing that I was starting to think I was the only one that was against it. I know that anyone who looks down on your kids for being smart will be eating those words one day.
Now, I am done kissing up. Go clean that house. And when you’re done, come clean mine because it looks like shit.

16

Urgh. Your poor kids.

Unfortunately, I have a stinky grandmother too. (she behaves in a stinky way, I mean. She doesn’t smell bad.) She never hit me, thank goodness, but over the course of my childhood, she said many things that hurt me and damaged my self-esteem.

The thing that really helped me was that my parents did not approve of this behavior and told me so. They chose not to say to her about it directly, and in retrospect, I think that that was a wise call. (but again, she wasn’t hitting me or suggesting that anyone do so.) But my mother explained to me how and why her values were different from ours and helped me to understand that it was her, and not me, that was wrong. In other words, my parents never pulled that “she’s your grandmother, you have to love her and respect her” crap. This is not to say that her words didn’t hurt me. They did. But my mom really helped me through it.

Fortunately, we really didn’t see her too much when I was a kid, largely because she lived in Florida! But as soon as I got into college, and it was sort of “my choice” whether to see her or not, I avoided her like the plague. She lives locally now, and I see her every now and then for a short time, and only in the company of my parents. Funny. I am 29 and she is 91 and my parents are still “protecting” me! For that, I am grateful.

[Bill, if you are reading this, and thinking “she wasn’t so bad,” remember that vain women tend to criticize their dumpy granddaughters far more than they criticize their wonderful grandsons (even if the grandsons do resemble marsupials).]

Anyway, Biggirl, I guess I am trying to say that however you choose to deal with this situation, supporting your kids and letting them know that she is wrong about some things will mean a lot for them in the long run.

I hope to see you and Houseman soon.

Love, Green Bean.

17

I agree with QuickSilver: it’s great that your kids can stand up for themselves, even to their grandparents. I wish I’d had the confidence to do that. Good job.

I’m sure your kids know you’re on their side, but, as someone mentioned earlier, staying quiet is tacit approval. Tell the g’parents off, if you feel you should.

18

While I completely agree with the stand against violence and teaching your children to be honest, perhaps it’s time to teach them a little diplomacy as well.

Perhaps your son was correct in saying that he was smarter than the other person, but don’t you think it would also be nice to teach him that polite people don’t point out other people’s shortcomings?

Sure, the curry might have tasted like shit, but don’t you think your daughter could have handled it better by saying, “Well Gramma, it’s not the best thing you’ve made, but I really appreciate the time and effort it took (hug).”

Surely, you’re children are mature enough (and obviously smart enough!) to take part in their own defense (though I back Jodi and Zenster in that you need to speak up also).

How about teaching them to say “I don’t like it when you hurt me. I believe that I’m old enough to understand why you’re upset with me and I’d prefer you spoke to me about it rather then rely on violence to get your point across.”

Good luck.

19

Yes, my son was rude to the man. And we have had more than one conversation about the difference between questioning authority and disrespecting it. In this particular incident, my son was 9 years old and was being taunted by a grown man. I was actually quite proud of him.

Both my children are wiseasses. They are this way, not because I don’t jackslap them when they are rude, but because they are they’re mother’s children and come by they’re comebacks honestly.

My twins are both 13 now and they know when (mostly) snappy comebacks are appropriate and when it is just sass. But there are somethings I don’t consider sass. The above incident, in my eyes, was pure self-defense. As it was when my daughter quietly and without hysterics (amazing considering her tendancy toward melodrama) told her grandfather, “Don’t hit me.” after he was threatened to bounce her into the middle of next week for cutting her eyes at him. She told him twice. He could not understand how I could stand for such insolence. My answer was “Stop threatening to beat her up.”

I remember getting a wallop once for “cutting my eyes”. I believe it means rolling your eyes, but to my Dad it means looking at him when you should be cowering.

I don’t want to make my parents out to be horrible people. They are not. But, as I mentioned before, there are other family dynamics at work here. I have chosen not to participate in their stupid ass contest any more. They can continue to compare me and mine to my sisters in my absence.

20

I didn’t mean to imply that you were wrong in any way and I’m sorry that I didn’t understand the full story. It certainly sounds like you have all your bases covered and are PERFECTLY justified in cutting contact. It also sounds like you are a fantastic and just Mom.

I do, however, suggest that you make it perfectly clear as to why you are cutting contact.

Lest you think I’m a total idiot (yes, I’m an idiot, just not a total one :smiley: ), I have cut off contact with my father and step-mother for like reasons. My father wasn’t big on corporal punishment but is likely a leading candidate for the position of Grand Dragon in the KKK.

Okay not really, but he’s a bigot and a racist and VERY vocal about it. His wife could be classified as a Sock-Puppet. He’s an avid hunter (bought me a shotgun for my 12th birthday :eek: ), he’s inconsiderate and the most spoiled rotten 50 yo man I have ever met. I don’t want him to have anything to do with my daughter!

However, my husband and I made it clear to him what behavior wouldn’t be tolerated in regards to our daughter. He violated that and we cut contact with him, explaining that he violated OUR rules. He protested but understood that we had warned him. He also knows that if he is willing to follow our rules, he will be welcomed into the fold again…he just isn’t willing to do that.

Granted, it was very hard to do, but as my husband explained to me, “At some time in their lives, they may have to be FORCED into the understanding that you are an adult also. THIS is our family, and he is an outsider. We protect our family.”

Once again, good luck! Please let me know how it all works out, I’d be interested.