This may seem like an odd question to most people but let me put it in context. I was practically orphaned at 15 when my parent’s divorce was final and they found new love interests.
Fast forward to today when I have kids of my own 2000 miles away from them. They obviously want to see their granddaughters but it has to be under my discretion. My mother and stepfather visited us after Christmas to keep the kids during their holiday week which was welcome. It didn’t go nearly as seamlessly as I hoped. I had to leave work early because they couldn’t make things work and it just wasn’t a good grandparents showing overall. The snippy comments got out of control. I wanted to put my mother in time-out because my kids were just fine.
How do you handle something like that? Baby Boomers like my parents seem to think they are perpetually young and that is obviously not the case. I am the one in charge of my kids and may be in charge on both sides in a few years yet they won’t let go.
Being so far away, I could restrict access rights to the kids but somehow I don’t think that would go over well. Any experience is welcome.
Your mom and step-dad came to visit you and watched your kids at your place while you worked? But you had to come home early because of some kind of problem(s)?
You mom and step-dad were snippy with your kids (who I assume they don’t know well since they live so far away)? In what way?
What else happened?
Overall, it seems like a problem you won’t have much since your mom and step-dad live so far away. Maybe it’s best just to let it go and not have them kid sit for you. Or, maybe some planned activities would be of help- a trip to the zoo, etc., or a shorter amount (and less required responsibility) of visitation time.
The kids were perfectly safe all the time. My mother was a teacher. She knows how to take care of kids. That isn’t an issue. It was an issue of a long list of logistical problems and temperament. My stepfather doesn’t like young children much (mine are 5 and 9). Tempers just flared on their side until they called me to take off work which was hard for me to do. My daughters were upset but it wasn’t a Jerry Springer show episode. It is just something I would like to know how to avoid in the future. To be fair, they came up to help with things but it just didn’t work as well as it should have. Both my mother and stepfather are prima donnas I don’t know what to do about it. We have good family members that are local as a comparison group with none of the same issues.
I didn’t mean to use that as the perfect example however. I literally meant to ask the question in the title which is hard for all adults as they grow up and watch their parents get older. How do you address their behavior issues especially when you have kids of your own to worry about?
My family has been known to actually say words like “ok, Dad, time out. For you, not the kid, you’re the one behaving like you’re six insted of sixty!”
The general rule with us is that you treat people like they’re responsible human beings first of all, like misbehaving brats if they insist, regardless of age. A misbehaving grownup (defined as “anybody who can be asked to step quietly aside with an expectation of compliance”) will be asked to step aside first; if they insist in being assholes, consequences happen as announced. I’m recalling one instance where an unmarried uncle in his 30s was being a royal ass to a little kid, the kid’s father (the uncle’s BiL) intervened and issued Dire Threats along the lines of “you can’t be in my house if you refuse to be respectful to everybody else who’s in it”, the uncle cried to his mother for help (very grown-up, u-hu), the (grand)mother said “but he’s right, I thought I’d raised you better than that”, the uncle closed his mouth which was hanging open and spent the next half an hour or so sitting quietly on the corner of the sofa, until lunch was called. It’s one of the two times I can remember that guy with his mouth closed for more than five minutes, actually. So far I can’t remember any incident of things splitting two ways; people either side with the children’s parents or claim neutrality.
It sounds like you don’t like your mother & stepfather much; in fact, you hardly know them any more. They took a trip of 2000 miles only to sit at your house with the kids while you went to work. Most of my co-workers with school-age kids manage to use some vacation days over the holidays to spend time with their kids–& perhaps other relatives.
Of course you have an important job! But your longstanding snit against your parents stems from their ignoring you after the divorce. Do you want to spend more time with these people–to get to know them again–or just use them for free child care again next Christmas?
You can work on knowing these people better or drop them from your life; I don’t think there’s a quick way to “discipline” them–as you’d train dogs. Since you have so little free time, perhaps you should budget it to spend it with your kids.
I did do that for the first time as matter of fact. It went over like a loud fart in church but I stood my ground. It didn’t get me much then but I like the precedent. That is the type of thing I am asking about.
It’s not your job to shape their behaviour. They’ve already been brung up. It’s your job to set boundaries.
If it were me, I’d be deciding to not leave them alone with my kids again. Period. Come, visit, stay over, but no more unchaperoned babysitting.
Now you certainly have the right to correct any interaction, between them and the children, you don’t fancy, with or without an explanation. If they don’t abide your wishes on the matter, don’t invite them back.
Hold your ground. Like elbows said, it is about setting boundaries and then enforcing them. You are the adult, it is your castle, you rule there. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to visit.
It may be loud, silent, uncomfortable and/or messy to start, but they will either learn to respect you or you will learn not to have them around.
I agree with everything you’ve said except “seems pretty simple”.
The disconnect the OP has with her parents r/t her personal history can make seeing the reality difficult. Not that she shouldn’t follow your advice, just that the obvious may not be obvious. It’s good you laid it out there, I’ve just got some sympathy for where she’s at.
It would be more helpful if you were more specific about the incidents.
At the moment we’re having to accept that they were wrong and your kids were right.
I have friends who though good people themselves have absaloutly no idea about setting boundries for their kids, or that No means No.
As a consequence the kids throw tantrums if they don’t get their own way, disappear from the house/garden when they 've been told to stay, and steal.
When the grandmother baby sat for them and actually told them off for being badly behaved, my friends accused her of being dictatorial, and of not understanding children.
( This though it was my mates mum who had brought HIM up)
What gets me is that in every other way they’re intelligent people and really good friends(And nice people to know)
But they seem to have no clue when its their own kids involved.
And before anyone asks, the grandmother is not a fictionalised version of myself, I don’t as a rule do babysitting.
It’s going to depend on the behavior- just like addressing your kids’ behavior depends on the behavior. Some things you might not address at all, because they are so minor or infrequent. Others you might mention. There may be some that cause you to limit the frequency or duration of the visits and others that make you feel they should never babysit but visits with you and your children together are fine. A few behaviors might justify a complete lack of contact.
I have to say though, I don’t know what anyone was thinking in this situation. Two adults , one of whom doesn’t like young children , taking care of young children they probably don’t know well for an entire week (or even a day) while their parents are at work? It’s not that hard to predict there will be problems.
Ehhh. Hubster and I are the grandparents now. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we’ve had to LIVE with the Daughter and Son-in-Law for most of the past six years.
Daughter pulls the “my house my rules” but that is only to be expected since I did it with her…and it IS her house.
Hubster and I get scolded and yelled at, and lectured. After the Granddaughter was born (we call her Center of the Universe, or COTU), we apparently didn’t know ANYTHING about babies or childcare! For the most part, Hubster and I nodded and smiled, and then laughed to ourselves when we were alone.
I’m sure we were just as unreasonable when OUR kids were born.
Kids need grandparents just like they need vitamins. And the kids will figure out that Grandma and Grandpa do things differently than Mom and Dad. Given ample opportunity, they will learn to adapt to each other, and the kids will find a way to use the grandparently relationship to exploit to their benefit.
~VOW
It sounds to me like your parents volunteered to do you a favor, and didn’t do it to your satisfaction. That doesn’t merit a spanking.
I’m totally on board with “my house, my rules” and for that matter with limiting contact with the kids, they are your kids. And it’s fine to just say “I don’t much care for these people or want them in my life.” But it’s sure as hell not your place to change them, let alone cast yourself as the hero in the story of their reformation into people you *would *care for. That’s foolish.
It does sound like you went in with some unrealistic expectations, Shagnasty. Your mom and step-father were doing you a favour that you wanted, but it sounds like it was realistically beyond their reach, which you might have been able to anticipate, since you know what kind of people and parents they are.
I think the idea from here would be to stay realistic about what your parents are capable of as grandparents, and everyone will be happier.
The story I gave in my OP was just an example and intentionally vague like a Milk in a Bar Story. There are no heroes, heroines or anything anybody did especially wrong other than a fundamental breakdown of communication of expectations. I didn’t even mean for that to be a perfect example of the type of problem I am describing. The basic problem is how to shift roles with your parents gracefully as you get older.
I may very have well been the one that was completely wrong and I would be happy to hear that too. My mother and stepfather did fly up to take care of the kids during a school vacation week. I could have paid someone to do a better job but they made an effort even if it didn’t go that well. I do think they are playing more of an aunt and uncle role rather than grandparents which isn’t good from my perspective.
I somehow successfully convinced my father to be a good grandfather when no one thought that could ever be done. I laid it out plainly in steps and it I think it is a miracle he has been following it perfectly for three years under my control. There is a long history with that anyone could understand but I am thrilled that it worked.
I think most of my question is directed towards people with dysfunctional families who want to make that better over time once they have kids of their own. I know most people wouldn’t understand the question based on their own experiences but many will.
What exactly are your specifications for being a “good” grandparent and exactly how are you “controlling” your father?
I honestly don’t intend to be snarky here, just to illuminate how you sound. People are who they are, and while you can certainly *ask * other adults to change their behavior, they’re not obliged to, and you can’t make them. Trying to is begging for aggravation and heartache. You are absolutely allowed to say “You can’t/must behave this way around my children, or you won’t be allowed to see them.” but that’s all you can do, so you have to be sure that the behavior in question merits the ultimatum, and prepared to back it up.
Also, I guarantee that your kids aren’t so fragile that they’ll be permanently damaged by occasional exposure to imperfect people.
I kind of understand why you’re not being specific, but really, you’re being too vague.
For example,
I have no idea what you mean by this, except that you think grandparents and aunts/uncles have different roles. What the differences are, I don’t know - maybe you think grandparents should almost be substitute parents while aunts and uncles are only expected to do fun things with the kids. And maybe that’s not a realistic expectation for grandparents who live far away.
BTW, you don’t really shift roles with your parents as they get older. Unless they become incapable of handling their own lives, you should not have anything approaching a parental role toward them. What actually is supposed to happen is that you and they have more of an adult-to-adult relationship, and less of a parent-child one