I'm beginning to regret getting back in touch with my father & step mom

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ok so here’s the background

I lost my job in February and was subsequently unemployed for around 6 months, due to some other personal problems and basically being stuck in a rut, my Dad offers to take me in. I accepted it, as he was driving down the freeway saying he was coming to pick me up, I kinda had no choice.

So I move in, now, bear in mind I didn’t speak to my father for like 8 years previously, due to having a big argument with him and my step mom outside my grandmas. Plus my step mom sent my actual mom letters calling her names and whatnot, my mom sent them back, but I remember this from her.

Then it starts.

'My house my rules’

‘You haven’t wiped down the surface of the shower kitchen whatever down properly’

I do these things anyway however it’s the constant nit picking which is driving me fucking crazy, we’ve had constant arguments about my apparent lack of cleanliness. What really fucked me off was the first week down here, I was expected to eat with my step moms family every sunday on my own without really knowing anyone.

Well, that’s one thing, the other thing is my step-mom, I do not like my step-mom, however, considering I’m living in their house I’ve usually kept my talking with her brief and just kept out of her way, I just act civil and don’t try and cause any shit, because it’s pointless. We do not cross each other in the same room, and I avoid her at all costs.

Ok so now in November, after 6 months of living here, it’s getting to breaking point. What’s happening is that rather than asking me directly to do something, my step mom will post juvenile pieces of paper with ‘house rules’ on the wall, and today she recently added another one, purely because I was going to eat my dinner upstairs, which I’ve done ever since I’ve lived here, and now it’s a problem. I’m usually upstairs on my computer, but when she comes in, I can hear doors slamming, kitchen units slammed, she thunders around the house like something terrible has happened. This is kind of ironic considering I get along with my step brother quite well, as well as other parts of her family. My step brother does however live with his grandparents, and they only live a few streets away.

As for my father, he’s constantly complaining to my other brothers of how I apparently don’t make much of an effort to watch tv with him or talk with him or even sit in the same room with him. You know, I would on occasion, however I find it so uncomfortable to be around my step mom, and with my father too, I try to avoid them altogether. The reason being is that whenever I try and ‘relax’ with my Dad, he goes into authorative mode and lectures me or nit picks and criticizes me.
I consider myself a fairly decent person, I pay them rent, I’m employed, I try as much as possible to eat what I buy myself, I never ask them for money ever, don’t do drugs, smoke, or even drink alot. My only vices I guess are spending time on my computer and chocolate biscuits. (I have a social life, just highlighting what I usually do)

You know I’m 25 years old, not 12, and I’m able to comprehend various tasks to keep a house clean. I’m just wondering am I complaining too much? Or are they being over authoritative.

The rules on the wall was the last straw, because again like I’ve said I don’t go out my way to do anything wrong, but whatever I do is never enough. And for the past few days, I’ve just given up trying to shrug it off and ignoring it, I’ve become quite sullen around them.

2

You are now employed with an income?

Move.

3

You said you’re employed now. I assume you’re saving up money to move the hell out?

4

Well I’m planning too, but I only got the job this week. However it’s more than that, you know this is my father, a guy I hadn’t known for ten years, and it’s sad that I feel like I don’t even wanna see him after this shit.

5

Another vote for move. If you think it’s that bad, and you can’t talk to them about it, get your own place so you can live by your own rules.

6

Have you had an adult conversation with him about how you feel? No anger or yelling or defensiveness, just talking?

7

I don’t think it has anything to do with your relationship with your father. It’s damn hard to live with people as an adult, for all the reasons you state. Everyone has their own way of doing things, and once you hit adulthood, you want it to be YOUR way, or at least have a say in how things are done.

I love my parents to death, and have a great relationship with them, but hell if I could live with them.

Save up your money and move out asap. You’ll all be happier.

8

So your father takes in his adult son who hasn’t talked to him in 8 years, because the son suddenly needs him. The son doesn’t like playing by the house rules? Get out. I’m actually a big fan of “my house, my rules”.

He did you a favor when you needed one. Be an adult. Thank him honestly and sincerely for his help and move out. Call him once a week or once a month and spend 10 minutes shooting the breeze.

StG

9

Yep, went through one ear and out the other.

10

Yep.

11

You didn’t read what I wrote did you?

12

What part don’t you think he read? Because while it certainly doesn’t reflect your perspective, it could easily be how your father perceives the situation - having left out the part where you can’t stand his wife (which I am sure everyone is aware of).

13

Ryan Liam - I did read what you wrote. I just thought you sounded whiney and ungrateful. You move back in with them and your father wants to spend time with you, maybe to make up for the last 8 years? But you can’t be bothered. It makes you “uncomfortable”. Face it, your father’s wife is now part of your family. You need to move on and accept it. Or move out.

I know there are clashes when adults move back in with their parents. That’s an incentive to get them back out of the nest. Sort of the way pregnant women feel really uncomfortable at the very of the pregnancy. By that time you aren’t scared about giving birth because you just want it over.

StG

14

You’ve described my situation with my father and his wife to a T. He acts hurt that I don’t want to visit them, and is distressed that I won’t apologize to his wife (although he can’t explain what I’m to apologize for, other than that she is upset) but when I did visit them previously he insisted on all of us being together as a group, and then would remove himself from the room once she started tearing into me over the slightest or often imagined infraction of her rules in “her” house. When she finally storms out and I can just spend time with my father, he turns on the television and proceeds to fall asleep to the History Channel. As a result, I haven’t seen either of them in over ten years, and while I can’t say that I’m not missing something, it isn’t anything I’m going to get by spending time with either of them.

“My house, my rules” often morphs into “I’m going to nibble you to death with a bunch of passive-aggressive nitpicking because I have larger issues I don’t want to address.” When you invite an adult to live in your house, you can’t expect rigorous adherence to every minutia of how you would like the house to be run. Everyone has to make some accommodations. You have reason to expect that basic guidelines, like no visitors after this time, or you get the bottom shelf in the refrigerator, and so forth, but harping about minor household tasks and running around slamming doors in an adolescent attempt to display displeasure is not mature behavior.
To the o.p.: you know the situation isn’t going to get any better, nor do you have any control over your father, his selection of spouse, or his choice of conversational topics. If I were you I’d move out as soon as possible, meet your father for dinner in some neutral place like a restaurant, or just talk on the phone. If he doesn’t see a need to modify or alter his behavior to improve the relationship, nothing you do is going to help.

Stranger

15

Chiming in. You’ve got two choices: leave, or continue to put up with them running their house the way they wants it. Sure, it sounds like they’re pretty sucky landlords, but that’s not going to change. Beggars can’t be choosers, after all.

16

What the hell? I never lived with my father before, and how about less condescention in your attitude, him spending time with me and criticising what I do and being over protective, is not what I call spending time with me, I call it controlling behaviour.

I have accepted her as part of the family, if you didn’t realise, the irony being I get along quite well with other members of her family, she just doesn’t like me, understand?

17

Until you get yourself unstuck from this situation, it might help to have fallback phrases: scripted responses to the things you predictably hear from your father and/or stepmother all the time. Things like:

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” (Said after criticism.)

“If we can’t have a pleasant conversation, then I’m afraid we can’t have one at all.” (Said after being yelled at. Immediately and calmly get up and leave the room.)

The key is to say the exact same thing each time they say X or Y, in the calmest and most controlled way you can muster. Mask whatever rage you’re feeling - think of the stereotypical Southern belle, saying mean things in the most polite phrasing and a saccharine-sweet voice. Knowing what I’m going to say ahead of time can sometimes help keep me from flying off the handle - since the words are already at hand, I can concentrate on controlling my voice and staying calm.
Alternately, you can bring out the big nukes: “Dad, you have to be nice to me. I get to pick your nursing home.”

When your stepmother yells at you, you could try using that singsongy voice people use when talking to cranky toddlers: “Let’s all use our *indoor *voices!”

(I’d save the last two until you’re about to move out.)

18

At some point you need to consider at least some of what they are asking you to do to be “RENT”.

19

And I mean that along the lines of “Shut up and do it”.

20

Exactly, thanks Stranger, this is exactly what’s been going on. It’s like they took me over here, and because they realised it wasn’t gonna be a short stay, they have now felt stuck with me. I have a feeling which is probably right that my step mom if given the choice would of been content to leave me back where I was, but I understand that, I’d of been the same.

It’s not as if it’s only myself who acts like this with my dad. My older brother lived with them briefly when he was around 15-16 for 3 months and came back to my moms because he couldn’t stand it either. And apparently he was alot worse than me, but because of that experience my older brother hasn’t spoken to him since then, he’s now 27.