Kids leave home eventually, right?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Canadiankid, my husband’s son, decided a few months ago, at the beginning of the semester, he was going to take his master’s and be a teacher at a university. Two nights ago, he lets it go that, perhaps he’ll take his master’s later and go back another year to upgrade some credits he thinks he may need.

The deal was, when he started university, we would pay for the four years, every year after that, he was on his own for tuition, etc. As long as he was in school, he could stay at home, rent free. He now pays for his own books and bus / train to get to school from a job he works at one evening and one day a week.

My secret plan was, when he moves out in a couple of years, to set up sort of a reading room in the basement. Did I mention our house is only 1000 sq ft, one floor, open concept? No place to go if you don’t particularly feel like company. I’m not trying to sound mean but I was really looking forward to having my own space.

Ssssooo, now we’re looking at, instead of being finished university next year, he’ll go back one more year, then tackle his master’s. He will be 29/30 years old by the time he finishes this AND STILL LIVING AT HOME, as far as I know anyway. I wouldn’t mind if he worked every day during the summer when he’s off but he only works two, possibly three days per week because that’s all he wants to work. I find it very frustrating that he won’t work every day and that there’s never anything extra done. His responsbilities are taking out the garbage and recycling as well as shovelling the snow on the public sidewalk which is seldom done. The other side of this is that there seems to be no planning, only taking the easy and cheapest route.

Now, as a step-parent, I know I can’t possibly imagine what it’s like when your kid leaves home to go on their own. My husband is dreading the day.

I’m just afraid that we’ll be 55 years old, with a 30 year old still living in the basement. I suppose it’s more issues than just the school thing. I’ve always said that, once he graduates school, he’s got six months to find a job and move. It sounds cold but I believe, as well as my hubby, that you raise your kids to survive on their own, teach them all you can, educate them and send them out into the world.

But I guess the bottom line is: Older Dopers: kids leave home eventually, don’t they?

2

With all respect to you and Canadiankid, who is undoubtedly a cool and decent guy, I gotta say that this:

really, really sounds like freeloading. I live at home and I work full-time during the summer to pay for my education, and I’m expected to do the dishes, my own laundry, walk the dog, vacuum upstairs, help Mum out with dinner. He sounds like he needs to step up and start taking responsibility.

This sounds like the best solution to me–good for you. :slight_smile: I hope it works out for you guys…

3

Start “hanging out” with him more, chit-chatting and being nosy. And also nag him as much as possible to do his chores.

Eventually he’ll get fed up with it and realize his only out is to get his own place.

Worked for me.

4

Kythereia, thank you. I hope it works out too.

He has a personality much like his mother’s so we struggle sometimes. He perceives questions as people being nosy and tends to clam up. He’s had the same girlfriend for the past five years so he tends to talk to her, not us. He tends to be much the same as his grandfather; cheap and taking the easy way. Fortunately, my hubby missed that trait!

On the other hand, he’s very good: calls home to let us know where he is; is nice to people, has the same group of friends he’s had for years…he’s really no trouble but inherently doesn’t think of other people often and certainly won’t do anything extra. I tried to tell him that your job prospects were better, along with applying for your master’s, when you have volunteer experience. You’d have thought the world was ending. No volunteering for this one!

I guess, in the end, what I’m afraid of, is he’ll decide to stay home for the next five years, going to some sort of courses at university, not work full time, not go to school full time and we’ll still have to pay for everything and it will cause difficulties between hubby and I. I’m kinda black and white with things, hubby tends to be more casual and easygoing. And, unfortunately, I know my limits and the result of trying to live with exceeding them. More than another two years will definitely be reaching them. More than three will be exceeding them.

I have no doubt he will do well when, and if, he’s on his own. I’m just afraid it will be a problem getting him there.

I suppose this is just a long, rambling thought process put in writing. I just wondered if any other step parents felt like sometimes they are in the same boat.

5

Ultimately, it is your home, so you have every right and every expectation to enjoy your home to the fullest. If that means that the adult step-son should go, then off he should go. He has finished his schooling, so there is no compelling reason for him to stay under your roof.

I trust that you have had a serious discussion with his father about this.

6

The details of my situation are completely different, and not something I feel like posting in detail on a message board–although someone who read certain of my past posts, especially on graduate school or job hunting could get a pretty good idea.

On the other hand, I’ve had a couple of conversations this past week with my mother, where she expresses a lot of the same concerns that you do. I am presently living on my own, but not employed to my fullest potential in my chosen field. And my mother was nagging me about being prepared for retirement.

So you are not alone.

7

You need to put a finite end to his living with you. Tell him this is the last year you will be housing him. Give him a date to shoot for and tell him you expect him to be on his own whether he’s finished school or not; and whether he’s employed full time or not. He needs to grow up and move on. It seems a lot of kids have a hard time with this concept (I know my son did) but we gave him a date and he got his shit together. Letting him live with us without real work and without real contribution was OUR fault. We’re all much happier and more productive now.

8

He’s not finished school yet, still one more year of the four to go (well, under the original plan, revised plan is still an almost definite maybe). But he’s off in another three weeks til September. I’m hoping he works full time this summer, that is, as close to 40 hours per week anyway.

I guess part of me is just wondering if it’s just me or do other stepparents feel this way sometimes?

A serious discussion with my hubby involves a lot of “well, we’ll see” on his part. As I mentioned, he’s fairly casual and laidback with a “wait and see” kind of attitude. I’m more aggressive with the goals, etc. And like an early resolution to any difficulties I foresee. Whereas he’s a little more loose with his thinking.

I also forgot, he also empties the dishwasher on a regular basis and keeps his part of the basement clean.

9

The problem is, he’s sticking to the deal.

You said he could live at home as long as he’s in school. He’s still in school. :wink:

He does what you tell him, he does the chores you set for him- that’s a bad thing?

He works as much as he needs to- that’s a bad thing?
Why SHOULD he work full-time? He doesn’t need to. Rent is covered. If his job is sufficient that his expenses to you are covered and he’s got enough knockaround money, why work more?
There are two perspectives on this. I understand yours, and to some degree it’s valid- you want your own space, you have visions for your house that are currently hampered by his presence.

But look at his side- he’s got a good deal. And he’s doing what he needs to do in order to maintain it. Yet you’re still unhappy. Why?

I would say (knowing, admittedly, very little about your situation) that you should examine your own feelings about the situation and ensure that they are not colored by resentment of his life, a life you see as “too easy.”
Or, you could just pull a Darth Vader. “I am ALTERING the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

(and you might also want to compare your thread to lots of other threads both here and in the Pit that say- “our kid does nothing but take up space and suck up our money and steal from us- how do we throw him out?”)

Your kid sounds like a good egg with a good deal and some supportive parents. Let him follow this path. That’s my advice.

10

To answer the OP: they usually leave.
Sometimes they come back! :eek:

11

I sort of agree with Happy: the kid’s got a good thing going, why would he want to change it? I disagree that the kid is a particularly good egg, though: he’s taking advantage of y’all, and y’all are letting him. More than that, y’all aren’t giving him the push out of the nest that he needs. If he’s thirty living at home, what’s going to stop him from being fifty and living at home?

He sounds perfectly capable of getting a job. At 18 I moved out and into a house with five other people, within walking distance of a crappy-paying job so I didn’t have to pay for gas. And that’s not remotely noble or admirable of me: that’s just what I figured I had to do. IMO, y’all need to make it clear to him that he can support himself, and so he needs to start supporting himself. End of discussion.

Daniel

12

Thank you all for your thoughts. You are the reason I joined this board two years ago. Sure learn a lot through reading.

Perhaps the difference is, I was on my own at 17: graduated high school, got a job in a city I had never been too by myself, moved from home, got my own apartment (mom had to co-sign because I was so young but still my own apartment) and, with the exception of a couple of months between places, I have lived on my own. And may I add, quite enjoyed it.

Hubby, on the other hand, married his first wife straight out of the house so went from mom to wife.

Lived on his own, and getting his son every other week, for almost 10 years after that.

So, I don’t know if the difference is that I was on my own from a very young age to when I got married, 20 years later.

College and university weren’t very important then, more like get a job and start working.

Is it that different now? Am I just “old school” to borrow a phrase from the young ones?

13

Well, apparently I was composing and you were posting. Yes, Scrappy, I hear your side and you’re right - he’s sticking to his deal. Perhaps it was the deal that was not good.

I’m not jealous he’s got an easy life - to be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t want his life, not even when I was younger - my negative and positive life experiences make me much wiser than most. I’m afraid that, when he hits real life, it’s going to be one hell of a shock. Example: he got his driver’s license, his insurance was too expensive so he let the license lapse. Fortunately, he’s got a girlfriend whose parents pay for all gas and car expenses (yes, including the car) and she drives him everywhere and doesn’t seem to mind. Perhaps that’s the plan - they are trying to save money. But it just seems odd that someone, at 22, would be content to rely on someone else to drive them everywhere. Perhaps it is me, I don’t know.

But then, Scrappy is right in asking the question, why should he do more? But in my opinion, aspirations should be there to make more money, save for future wants and needs i.e. furniture for an apartment, etc.

But that’s why I posted this - to get different ideas and see if it is, in fact, just me.

14

Canadiangirl, I don’t think “jealousy” is the right word. I used “resentment,” but maybe that’s not the right word either.

Am I correct that he’s only 22 right now? 22 is not too old to still be living at home (I was on my own at 17, so it’s not MY track, but it’s still not terrible).

Your posting tone and the words you’re choosing indicate to me that you think that he is making poor choices, and it seems like you believe that because his life is not tracking like yours did. And, while you seem to have turned out OK, that does not mean that the only way to turn out OK is to follow your track.

This is what I find telling. I think you and your stepkid are having a difference of opinion, an ideological disagreement, if you will. You think he ought to be doing one thing, and he sees no reason to do it because he does not share your opinion.

It could be perceived that you are attempting to alter the deal and force him out in order to compel him to live a life that is more congruent with how YOU think a life ought to be lived. He is living the life he wants to live, because his circumstances permit it. We should all be so lucky.

The problem is that his circumstances bump up against your wants. And something has to give.

Are you beholden to him? Not completely, but to some degree you are, having made this deal with him. Reneging solely because of a difference of opinion, rather than some abrogation on his part, could be seen as less than cool. He’s held up his end- you ought to have a more solid reason for not holding up yours, that’s all I’m saying.

15

Scrappy - I am holding up my end in that we agreed to pay for four years and he could live at home…yes, he is 22 right now. A proven, natural progression for most is to aspire to something more; whether it be living on your own, getting married, getting promoted, etc, etc.

I just don’t see any initiative there. Having his own place is not an opinion, it will be a fact eventually.

He is doing very well in university and his father and I are very proud of the amount of work he does. And even though I’m only a step parent, I would go to the ends of the earth for him if I had to.

It’s the lack of initiative there and lack of real life experience which possibly could impact him when he does eventually get out on his own. I also find it a bit discouraging that he doesn’t have the initiative to think about the future as far as finances go. Perhaps he makes enough working part time to keep him going but that’s about all. What about the future?

16

I don’t know about this. It seems to me that the stepson first asked (or got the very generous offer) to live at home for his undergrad years. Tacking on several years of grad school is making some major changes to the deal he and his folks had–the deal that Canadiangirl agreed to.

Canadiangirl–Grad school is much more like having a job than it is like being in an undergrad program. Grad students usually get paid a living wage (not great, but enough to live on) to teach, do administrative tasks, or work on research while they’re in school. In fact, he’s probably required to teach for pay for at least some of the time while he’s in his grad program.

It seems to me that there’s probably not much need for your stepson to keep living with you once he gets his bachelor’s. If you can get your husband to agree with you on this issue, it might be a good idea for all three of you to have a talk about how much longer your stepson can expect to keep living in the house. Does your husband know how unhappy the prospect of living with your stepson indefinitely really makes you? If your original intent was to support him through his undergrad only, then I see no reason why you should feel obligated to have him in the house while he goes through several years of grad school.

And unless there aren’t relevant or useful classes scheduled in the summer, there’s no good reason why your stepson can’t be working towards his degree then. That might help speed up his graduation date, too.

17

I think there are a lot of possibilities here.

My mom’s boyfriend was in the same situation you were. He wanted me out of the house. I had graduated college but hadn’t found a full-time job yet. I had planned on moving when I got a full-time job, but it didn’t materialize as quickly as I hoped. I was very upset; at the time it had taken me 5 1/2 years just to get my BA. I knew I had outstayed my welcome at home.

When I announced I was moving, my mom/her boyfriend were shocked. I went from ‘As soon as X happens, then I’ll move’ to, ‘Screw it, I’m outta here’ and left a week later. It was much, much easier than I thought it would be. I’m in a financial mess, however, because I still don’t have a full-time job and stringing two part-time jobs into a 53-hour workweek is extremely inefficient (no overtime/benefits). However I am working on fixing my own problems.

I think you are doing a great job helping this young man out by giving him a place to stay. But unfortunately I think the dad has the final word here. Obviously you and him are going to have to be on the same page. Why doesn’t he move in with his girlfriend when he works on his Master’s? If she carts him around and they’ve been together for 5 years, that seems like a practical arrangement.

18

I don’t see anything wrong with a couple of married adults wanting their house to themselves once their children have become adults. I think the first step is to establish with your husband that he clearly understands that while you love your stepson, you want him out of your house by X time, because he’s an adult and that’s where he belongs. Your husband is doing his son no favours by not encouraging him to be an adult. (There was recently a six-page thread on this topic; I stand by my belief that adult children need to live on their own to become fully realized adults.)

The second step is to re-negotiate the terms of staying in your house and going to school with your stepson. You can certainly re-negotiate this; maybe you should have set more concrete terms originally; that ship has sailed, so now it’s time to deal with what is actually happening. Let your step-son know what he can expect; if he expects to stay home another two or three years, it isn’t going to happen, so he should make his choices accordingly. His life doesn’t start after he finishes a degree or whatever; his life is NOW, and he should start acting like it.

For the record, both he and his girlfriend sound like they are trapped in some kind of extended adolescence. Don’t any kids value independence any more?

19

Featherlou, that’s one of the reasons I’m in this thread…to try to find out if it’s just me or others feel this way…by no means am I going to throw him out unprepared however I question the lack of initiative/urge to be independent part too.

He’s still got another year of school which we agreed he could stay for (the rest of the whole school thing only arrived a couple of nights ago so I’m still contemplating). And, I suppose, in the end, his dad has the final say. And, should it not be what I can deal with, I’ll deal with it then.

But I don’t think Canadiankid realizes how long it takes to save money; what it’s going to cost him to move out (whether he moves in with girlfriend or not), etc and I’m not sure he thinks he can’t live there if he continues on with years (more than next) of school. And I haven’t really talked to hubby yet about it but I am fairly certain of how the conversation is going to go so this is anticipatory.

I love hearing the different viewpoints, I just wish more step parents would join in!

20

Well, I think I see two problems there.

  1. You’re assuming he lacks aspirations and drive. That might be true, but it doesn’t mean, as you said in an earlier post, that he’s “content” What he is is dependent, which doesn’t necessarily mean he’s content with it.

Dependence can become something of a rut you can’t get out of. Lots of people are stuck in ruts they can’t get themselves out of if someone enables them to stay where they are. Living at home becomes just such a rut for a lot of people because they simply lack the life skills to get over that hump; it’s a big deal, moving out. He may not really LIKE living in a small house with his parents as much as you think he does, but deep down he doesn’t think he has any other options.

  1. Why don’t you have a say? Yes, you’re a stepparent, but isn’t it your house too? You’re married. It’s preposterous to suggest his Dad has “the final say.” You’re married and you make decisions as a team.