My son’s 23 and in that boat. He went to community college and was about 6 credits away from an associates degree in computer science but dropped out. Right now he’s making $15 an hour as a low-level manager at a convenience store. As far as I can tell, he blows every cent he makes as I know he has no savings, but also pays his credit cards off responsibly.
I think he knows I would like him to be independent, but I’m not seeing any movement on his part to get there.
If he is paying near-market rent, holding up his end on house chores, and taking care of himself (doing his own cooking and laundry), then I think you should let him stay with you as long as the arrangement suits your lifestyle. Because all of those things are indicators he is sufficiently “grown”.
If he isn’t doing these things, then tell him he needs to or else.
Where I grew up, parents of children who were failing to launch like that charged their kids a meaningful amount for room and board. Parents explained that their kids should be working towards financial independence and that the easy living wasn’t going to last forever. They are adults so they would be treated generally like adults. Their parents didn’t do their laundry for them or bail them out of financial troubles. The kids still had to be respectful and contributing members of the shared household, so they had chores. Some imposed curfews but most basically just wanted to know where their kids were so that they could know whether to worry or not if they arrived home late or not at all.
Eventually, the kids were bearing the costs and responsibility of adulthood, and they would decide to move out on their own. When they moved, most parents would return the money the kids had paid in room and board, one way or another. It could be a lump sum, a defined-term subsidy so they could boost up their own savings, or it could be a finite fund that the parents would give to them upon demonstrated need. My parents, for example, gave my brother his room and board to use as a partial down-payment on a house, where he continues to live to this day.
I was charging him rent, $200 a month (quite below market value I think, our mortgage is ~$1200), which he resented. He moved in with a girlfriend and that lasted about 2 months. During that time I gave his room to his younger sister and now he’s sleeping on the living room couch, and not paying rent.
He has a very entitled attitude, doesn’t do much, and I fully admit I didn’t do a great job raising him. That’s water under the bridge though.
Just to add. He’s high-functioning on the autistic spectrum (you’d never know) and can hold down a job, but is, uh, “eccentric” (he likes to dress up like he’s at comic-con 24/7, long dyed red and black hair, unusual clothing styles, etc.).
My cousin was like that. Smart kid but zero ambition, some entitlement issues, looked pretty freaky. My aunt found a computer networking certificate program for him to enroll in, and he managed to do it, and landed a high-paying job shortly after finishing the program (program wasn’t long, less than a year I think).
He started the program when he was about 24 or 25. He’s 27 now, still lives with my aunt but he pays rent and a lot of household bills.
It works for them. She likes having him around.
Maybe he just needs a boost finding something to do, school-wise. If you’re admitting some failure on your part when it comes to raising him perhaps you need to turn that around yourself and do some extra work on the tail end here.
What would kicking him out help with? Other than getting your couch back.
Some people, who were not raised to be self motivating, (tons of kids these days!), actually require ‘necessity’ to find their motivation.
Understand that every time you do for him, from covering his rent to not requiring he ‘launch’, reinforces for him that he is not capable. It’s ultimately infantizing. What chance does he have of managing his 30’s and 40’s without the confidence that comes from setting up a life/household of your own? These are key threshold achievements that matter (And it’s hardly boast worthy to brag on him paying off his credit card when he’s sleeping for free on your couch!)
He’s twenty seven, there is literally no better time than right now for him to make some mistakes, but he’s got to get in the game as a full adult.
There will never be a better moment to push him out of the nest. (No backsies!) The world is pretty understanding of twenty something’s making missteps, not so much for those into their thirties.
I’d be very concerned if I were you. In my experience, if they haven’t launched by thirty, they’re not going anywhere. And it will only become more and more difficult, with each passing year, to actually push him out of the house and into the real world.
If he had his own room and was paying at least nominal rent, I would view the situation as only a potential problem.
But he’s not paying rent and sleeping on the couch? This gives me pause because it screams man without a plan. Or rather, boy without a plan.
Do you talk to him about what his goals are in life? How far out into the future does he project out? If you’ve never asked him where he sees himself living two years from now, try to find out.
Hi fellow parent-of-unmotivated-kid. We are charging our 23-y-o rent, he does some chores, and has finally learned to do his own laundry rather than leaving it in the laundry room and bitching when the laundry fairy doesn’t get it done. I think he will be out by the time he’s 25. If not, it’s possible we will leave…
I accept this as a failure of parenting. He has three brothers who are all holding down good jobs, supporting families, and pretty much acting like adults. But he’s not a bad kid. Just unmotivated. In his favor, he’s really good at creative stuff–excellent artist, he’s written a novel. Those things seem to be his hope for making money which is unrealistic but possible. (Old joke: what’s the difference between an artist and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.)
Where do y’all get these kids? My kids couldn’t wait to launch. I would pull my teeth if it would make the lil’wrekker come home and live with me. I miss her. She’s a sophomore in college and making good grades. Last summer she took a summer course and stayed at school. This summer her and a girlfriend are talking about traveling. She comes home nearly every weekend, but her friends and boyfriend are top priorty. I know you raise them to spread their wings and fly but, still it would be nice to have her around for a few weeks.(Sigh)
I lived at home in my twenties (with my parent’s permission) whilst I was saving up for a house deposit.
I paid my parents £200 ($265) / month for rent, laundry, food etc.
This was in the mid 1970’s, so probably the equivalent about $900 / month now.
That suggests you are seriously undercharging. :smack:
I have Asperger’s Syndrome, but I still made a decent career for myself.
Our oldest son looked like he could be headed that way until recently. He said he wanted to move out, but was doing nothing to make it happen. I pointed out that the best way to get out of the house was to go back to school. He went back Spring semester.
My 28-year old son lives with me and it’s a joy. He has his own space, his own bathroom and pays 50% of the mortgage, 50% of the utilities, buys his own clothes, owns his own car, etc. It’s just a whole lot more convenient for the both of us. He was a late baby - I was 40. So I’m at a stage where I’m very glad to have company and help with snow and yard work. And, bless his heart, he says I’m far easier than any other roommate. It makes me so sad to hear of parents and kids that struggle with finding their balance.
That’s wonderful it is working out well for both of you. I think that is the key it has to be mutual once they become adults. I gave my son 6 months after he finished college. he only needed 3 months. He was a little nervous about it but quickly adapted and if need be I would have extended the period. He just knew coming out of the gate that college had to be finished in a timely manner and then he was expected to work and support himself which he did.
Have you discussed this with him, rather than just with a message board? Sit down, have a discussion about goals, expectations and plans. If he can’t tell you want his plans for the future are, then he needs to give that serious thought, and then set a date to discuss it again. Explain to him that you can’t (or won’t) support him for his whole life, so he needs to figure out how he’s going to support himself. You might need to give some lessons in budgeting, so he can see for himself how realistic it is to live on his current salary. Maybe take him around to see some cheap apartments. But let him know that your expectation is that he will find other accommodations by say, the end of the year.
Just some corrections and clarifications, he’s 23, not 27. And he does have a job. And I totally think he could go out and get a roommate. Maybe (like I said he’s eccentric). From what I gathered from his GF he’s hard to live with. That’s not exactly my experience, but we’re not especially close, my wife is much closer. She’s an enabler too.
I was out of the house, married with a kid on the way (him) when I was his age (too young in hindsight but oh well), but I didn’t consider myself remotely conventionally successful until I was 28. So, I haven’t totally lost hope on him, some people are just late bloomers.
It seems like his grand plan is to work at this convenience store forever and go up the ranks there. He desperately wanted to leave home as a younger teen but I guess a few tastes of with real life has changed his mind over his readiness for that.
As a parent of a middle functioning child on the spectrum, my interactions with spectrum folks is that they are definitely wired differently than neurotypical. Normal guidance may or may not be warranted. No good answers or suggestions, just an observation.