Here’s a possible future for him. I moved out in my early 20s, but my brother did not. He stayed at home, coddled by my parents, extended staying in school, no job, no rent, car and insurance provided. Finally, my parents moved to another state for my dad’s job, and left him behind. He was VERY unprepared. So much so, that after several years of flopping among jobs and living arrangements with several unsavory roommates, he got himself diagnosed with anxiety disorder, which, for him, was the golden ticket to SSI (no longer able to work).
Today he is mid 50s, our parents are gone, lives alone in a small old apartment, no work, no relationships, no vacations, no experiences. Does not drive or use public transit, and pretty much exists in a 10-block section of a city, where everything he thinks he needs is there. He complains about his life, is always stressed about money, and is lonely.
IMHO, our parents did him no favors by not kicking him in the ass when they should have. Brings to mind the saying: “Never do for someone something they can and should do for themselves.”
FWIW one of the best things my parents ever did for me was to start charging me rent as soon as I was out of school and working (at 16).
I resented it somewhat at the time but there is an unavoidable logic to it in that I was being treated as a financially independent and responsible person and that changes your mindset. Of course I was cushioned from the really big financial commitments of being an adult but still, you are pushed into a mode of thinking that nothing comes on a plate and of course you have pay for your own way in the world.
The logical extension of that thinking is that because you are paying, you have control and agency. You can live here or there, your choice, and many, many people as they get older want their independence but by allowing a free ride I think you override that and offer a bigger, and not wholly helpful, incentive to stay.
I’ve started this process early with my two, (11 and 13) I bought them a game with my CC for the Switch and made it clear that they needed to pay me back, £10 each out of their pocket money. (they each get £25 a month put into an account for them and each have a debit card). I then took great delight, when passing an ATM, of getting them to withdraw a crisp tenner each and hand it over to me.
Of course I am still £20 down on the deal as I paid them their pocket money in the first place but hey, it’s the lesson that matters.
I believe the phrase is actually, “You’re NOT helping someone if you’re doing for them, what the could or should do for themselves.”
Perhaps you should consider setting the rent at approximately one half of what a two bedroom (modest) apartment costs in your town. Make sure he’s aware, for about the same expenditure, he could be independent, running his own life, and free of answering to you and running your errands/doing chores.
Then make sure he’s paying that rent, first of every month. Make sure he has assigned tasks he’s responsible for, including doing his own laundry, and prepping his own food (if he’s not around for dinner. Never leave him a prepared and plated meal!) if you can manage these few things and stick with them, I suspect he’ll get there on his own. He’ll be ‘Screw this! I’ll get a room mate and we’ll get our own place!’
But if you’re not going to make him pay a realistic rent, he has no hard fast chores or obligations, and Mom’s doing his laundry and prepping his meals, well, he’d be a fool to leave!
He just needs a little incentive, so give him some! It might take him a while, I’m sure initially he’ll believe y’all won’t be able to stick to it. Prove him wrong.
I’m glad to hear he’s actually 23 not 27, that’s good news. But if you don’t change something, this same situation will exist when he is 27. After all, you can’t keep doing things the same, and expect things to change.
It doesn’t have to be water under the bridge. He’s only 23, his brain is still pliable. Being a functioning adult isn’t something you have or you don’t, it’s taught like anything else. But for some reason we expect kids to just move out at 18 and pick up all these skills on their own.
It’s going to take some effort but maybe sit down with him, lay out some goals, teach him how to budget and plan for his expenses. Making him pay rent is part of that. Cook with him he if doesn’t know how to cook. This is all stuff you probably should have been doing through his teen years to foster an independent skill set but that doesn’t mean it’s too late to stop now.
(This is not a dig on your parenting, I don’t know anything about your situation or what you have or haven’t tried, and I understand working with someone on the spectrum can be extra challenging. Just trying to be motivating :))
I will say that a friend has a son who’s autistic and developmentally delayed. Just now, at 30, he’s moved out. He tried several jobs he was unsuccessful at, but now has a work-from-home job that he does well at. He’d been talking of moving out for years, and his parents just waited until he was ready. THey were up front with him, saying developmental delays meant he might do things later than some people, but he’d get there if he tried. He’s learning to cook for himself, and do laundry, thing he never had to do at home. He just wasn’t ready before this.
Every case is different, which is obvious common sense wise but the tendency is always to apply one’s own specific case as if it’s like every other one. IOW I have no idea.
Although, I had a job at 23 (after 4 yr college) but still lived at home and largely sponged off my parents, saved almost everything I made rather than spending it though. Then I met my wife a couple of years after, got married and our own place, a couple of kids of our own by 28. 23 isn’t terribly old IMO especially now. Though I know, I know, there’s always somebody ‘in my day, by cracky, they threw us out at 18’, etc. or seriously, somebody who had a home life they had to get away from earlier than that.
Our oldest was less motivated than I was job wise when living with us into his late 20’s after living sort of on his own in his college town a few years after graduation. But the spark eventually went off and he’s a hard worker in his 30’s.
A ‘failure to launch’ at 23 is not IMO a strong indicator of a permanent failure, though I don’t doubt the stories about siblings who never did…every case is different. Although the ‘spectrum’ thing is a curve ball. I think it’s hard for somebody to just read that and grasp what that really means in everyday life for that particular person.
Our old mechanic is a really nice guy, my age (60). He worked for his dad in his auto repair shop from the time he was a kid. His siblings all moved out and got jobs, eventually relocating across the country. He stayed home and worked for his dad. He never married, never dated. He took care of his parents as they aged and had problems crop up.
His mom died 10 years ago and his father died 2 years ago. His siblings wanted their share of the house, forcing him to put it on the market. When it sold, he moved into a little motor-home that doesn’t run and was parked behind the business.
I took my Jeep in for tires 6 months ago and was shocked by his appearance. He was wearing pajama pants and looked like he had aged a decade since I’d last seen him a few months prior. He shuffled around instead of walking. When I paid for my tires he had difficulty doing the paperwork, as his vision had declined horribly. I casually mentioned going in for better glasses and he told me he didn’t know where to go.
He closed the business down but is still living there.
I don’t know your son, of course, but as I’m sure you know, routine is very important to people with autism. Change can be overwhelming, and the idea of change can be upsetting. That said, you want him to start becoming independent so that when you’re gone, he can weather the loss and live a satisfying life. I wouldn’t worry about his quirkiness. There are a lot of happy, successful people out there who are pretty quirky. And he sounds like he’s pretty younger for his age. The odd (to you, anyway) hair is likely to change as he starts, finally, to grow up.
I think you need to have a talk with him. Tell him he needs to start transitioning to an independent life. Decide together (so he has some buy-in) on a date for his independence, then create a timeline together to help him get there. When will he start doing household chores? (Start with one chore and add gradually.) How much money will he need to save every week? You can determine a reasonable amount of rent for the interim based on his income and increasing expenses.
He needs to clearly understand that one way or another, he has to be living on his own by his own Independence Day. The hard part for you will be enforcing it.
If you don’t want to indulge my curiosity I totally understand, but could yall elaborate on how you think the way your sons were parented has contributed to their lack of ambition and independence? Us less experienced parents need to know what to watch out for.
I am not them, but I have an observation. My son and my daughter were both raised nearly identically as far as retrospection allows me to observe. Same household, same rules, same food, etc.
And yet they are two extremely different people. My daughter is one of the most ambitious people I’ve ever met, while my son is the least ambitious person I know. Both are now happy, functional adults, so I guess things turned out well. But along the way I was really concerned about my son.
If the only child I’d ever raised was my daughter, I’d argue that I should get the Greatest Father Ever award. If the only child I’d ever raised was my son, I wouldn’t argue if CYS put me in prison for horrible parenting.
I think “developmentally delayed” are the key words here, which haven’t been addressed much in this thread. My daughter is 18, or as my wife and I say: her body is 18, but her mind is 13 or 14. She is high-functioning autistic - you wouldn’t know it when meeting her. You’d need to spend a little time with her before realizing something isn’t wired right.
She will (hopefully) finish high school in June. There is no way in hell she will be ready to move out anytime soon. Maybe by the time she is 23 she will be thinking about it, maybe not. We’re prepared to have her with us for some time yet, and we’re fine with that. She’ll be required to contribute to the household, of course, but she is welcome to stay until she is ready to move on.
Tough situation. I respect the parents who have not denied their role in allowing this situation to get to where it is. I agree, you cannot change the past, but you can decide what to do from this point on.
The first step is to asses whether you think your kid IS capable of getting to the point where they can live independently. You seem to believe he can. If not, then your approach is to figure how to make the best of the situation with him not moving out. But if he CAN, set a specific plan to get him to that point. it would be best for him to work WITH you to set goals, but if he refuses, you should do that. Be specific as to times he should take various steps, specific dollar goals, and such. As unpleasant as it might be, you should have a set schedule of times that you review his situation and progress.
I suggest that so long as he is living with you, he should be expected to allow you some access/input to his financial matters. He should establish and follow a budget. He should be paying rent, which should be increasing to market levels. He should be amassing savings. He should constrain his expenditures to enable that. If he does not do that, out he goes.
I imagine what I say will be hard to do, but I suspect w/o strong steps and a consistent concerted effot, he is unlikely to simply get there himself. Goo dluck.
Side question - where was the sister sleeping before? On the couch?
I’m going to be a bit harsher than some. I just went through several years of this with my stepdaughter, who kept dropping out of college for a year or two in her twenties. She would get within a few credits of finishing her degree, then have an issue with a specific class and just decide to take some time off. On at least two occasions, this meant that she would have to wait a year until the critical class was offered again. On top of this, she was living out of state in the rental property my wife owned, so we were providing a significant subsidy for her “rent” each month (i.e., she would pay $200 and the mortgage was about $1000).
She FINALLY got her act together when she was 30 years old and finished a joint BA/MA in special education.
To me, the key point is that your son has not completed “the program.” I would need to see progress, even if it’s slow. Like some other posters, I got out of the house at 17 to go to college and never lived there again. I didn’t care if it took two jobs and sleeping on my friends’ couches. Inertia is strong and a person has to keep up momentum. I can handle slow, but not stopped.
He’s not going to come to his senses on his own. You’ll either need to start charging him rent again, and live with his attitude, or continue to subsidize your grown son the rest of his life.
My youngest daughter will be 25 this year and still lives with us. She pays for her own car and has a FT job with good benefits. She doesn’t pay a dime towards rent, utilities, insurance or HOA fees. She doesn’t seem motivated to move out, nor does her job pay enough for her to continue living the lifestyle that she has grown accustomed to. She pays for her entertainment and has saved about $35k towards a condo.
So in June, when she turns 25, we’re going to start charging her $500 in rent. We may invest that for her and give it back when she moves out, or me may pocket it and pay down our mortgage. We haven’t decided yet. But we fully realize that are not helping her grow up and may need to have a Come to Jesus meeting before too long. I don’t want her to live in Shitville, which is what she can afford on her own, but without any BF, she’ll have to get a roommate.
I would like to repeat the observation that China Guy made, which is that he is on the autism spectrum normal advice may not apply.
Have you seen a specialist?
My younger brother spent many years sleeping on my mothers couch. She never could deal with it very well. She wants had a “five-year plan“ on getting him out. But that plan simply consisted of kicking the can down the street. She just hoped he would be working and out in five years.
My younger brother has an emotional disorder and simply can’t function very well. He’s homeless now.
I wonder if it’s a freedom vs comfort thing. It wasn’t bad relations that drove my desire, it was freedom, for lack of a better word. It was exciting to me. The “do whatever I want” part was tempered by my financial means, but having my own place, however humble was for more rewarding than the “comfort” of not having to pay for daily life. ( roof over the head, clean clothes, some food )
See, I DO want my kids to live in Shitville. I want them to have their own apartments in university with a roommate you aren’t legally allowed to strangle no matter how much you want to, furniture with duct tape on it, wondering how they’re going to afford more ramen noodles, and saving up every month for a transit pass. That’s what makes you want to work for something better.
My daughter, who at present lives with her mother, is welcome to live with me, rent free, for as long as she wishes. She is the beneficiary of my pension and will collect it for the rest of her life when I take the dirt nap. She’ll be able to carry on here much as always, if that what she wants, or move on.
