Kids leave home eventually, right?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

[QUOTE=Canadiangirl]
Featherlou, that’s one of the reasons I’m in this thread…to try to find out if it’s just me or others feel this way…by no means am I going to throw him out unprepared however I question the lack of initiative/urge to be independent part too.

He’s still got another year of school which we agreed he could stay for (the rest of the whole school thing only arrived a couple of nights ago so I’m still contemplating). And, I suppose, in the end, his dad has the final say. And, should it not be what I can deal with, I’ll deal with it then.

But I don’t think Canadiankid realizes how long it takes to save money; what it’s going to cost him to move out (whether he moves in with girlfriend or not), etc and I’m not sure he thinks he can’t live there if he continues on with years (more than next) of school. And I haven’t really talked to hubby yet about it but I am fairly certain of how the conversation is going to go so this is anticipatory.

I love hearing the different viewpoints, I just wish more step parents would join in!
[/QUOTE]

My husband is the step in our situation. He pushed me to push my son to start taking responsibility for himself, and I’m glad he did.

One thing you can do is tell him how long it will take to save $XXX to get a place. I’m sure he’s not giving it serious thought because up til now, he didn’t have to. Let him know that has changed.

22

[QUOTE=Canadiangirl]
Canadiankid, my husband’s son, decided a few months ago, at the beginning of the semester, he was going to take his master’s and be a teacher at a university. Two nights ago, he lets it go that, perhaps he’ll take his master’s later and go back another year to upgrade some credits he thinks he may need.
[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Canadiangirl]
He’s not finished school yet, still one more year of the four to go (well, under the original plan, revised plan is still an almost definite maybe). But he’s off in another three weeks til September.
[/QUOTE]

A general university degree in Ontario usually takes three years, not four. An honours degree usually takes four years, and usually requires higher grades.

Now that we are a few short weeks away from the end of the typical school year, a lot of students finishing their third year are having to take a good hard look at their futures for the first time since they finished high school.

They have to decide whether or not to gamble that they will do well enough in a further fourth year to get the grades required for an honours degree, or for an honours degree followed by grad or professional school.

23

Having been a student in Toronto and a few other universities in Ontario, and having taught at universities in Ontario, I should point out that many students here continue to live with their parents throughout their undergraduate degrees – particularly those whose parents’ homes are within commuting distance of their universities.

24

Could you get him out or your hair and give him some life experience by sending him off adventuring for the summer – anything from working in the oil patch to tree planting?

25

So, over dinner tonight, I attempted to introduce the subject of “what we’re going to do when you finish your last year”. We also attempted to talk about a summer job with more hours. Apparently the part time job that he has now does not have the capacity to hire him full time for summer as there are full time people there. But apparently, “a job I like” is the issue.

The other night we had a conversation which centered around the whole “master’s later” discussion. At no time did we discuss what I tried to introduce to the conversation tonight which ended with Canadiankid saying “we discussed this the other night, I don’t really want to talk about it again.”. End of topic.

So, pushing the issue is apparently not my option…guess I’ll just wait to see what happens and go from there.

Like someone mentioned in another post, perhaps there is more to the issue.

I’m sure we’ll figure it out.

Sometimes it’s difficult being a step-parent. Topic for another thread I’m sure.

Rickjay: When you marry someone with kids, the kids always come first. At least, that’s the way it has been in relationships I’ve been in with men with kids.

To those who offered suggestions, I appreciate it.

The thing I find a bit frightening is that, the longer the indecision goes on, the less I really care. Which is unfortunate. But the reason I never had kids is definitely becoming clearer.

However, tomorrow is another day. :slight_smile: Perhaps I underestimate the situation. And perhaps this thread has given me some food for thought!

26

Muffin: No, he won’t go anywhere - when he was younger, I tried to promote 'camp". Have tried to encourage him to travel, no luck.

27

Although Ontario universities try their best to feed some money to graduate students through scholarships, teaching assistantships, research assistantships, and general odd jobs around the department, not every student gets some money. In general, the money goes to the Ph.D. students, and whatever is left goes to the better M.A./M.S. students.

Any student in Ontario hoping to pay his or her way through a master’s degree had better be the pick of the litter academically to ride on scholarships plus TAs/RAs, or be very good at hunting down work at the university and putting in long hours, or be willing to work long hours outside of the university during the summer and during school.

In short, if you son is not at the top of his class, he will have to hustle to pay his way through a grad degree, so unless you intend to take care of him for several more years, he would do well to start learning now how to hustle, before he finds himself needing to support himself while a grad student, but lacking the skills to find the jobs.

28

[tounge in cheek]

Here is the law: http://www.e-laws.gov.on.ca/DBLaws/Statutes/English/90f03_e.htm#BK35 “Every child who is not a minor has an obligation to provide support, in accordance with need, for his or her parent who has cared for or provided support for the child, to the extent that the child is capable of doing so. R.S.O. 1990, c. F.3, s. 32.”

Here is the form to use: http://www.ontariocourtforms.on.ca/english/forms/family/forms/FLR_08_Nov1406_ODA.pdf

Fill it out, and leave it laying about where you son might come across it.

[/tounge in cheek]

29

I have a sib who is 50ish, still living with the units, basically taking out the garbage, etc. We kicked our kids to the curb after they got a BS degree on our dime; followed by grad school on their dime, PhD’s next spring for both, YEAH! They’ve done well. YMMV. Good luck :slight_smile:

30

A good friend of mine is a 50 year old Italian lady (born & reared in Rome) married to an American. Odd cultural difference: she was upset to learn that her kids all intended to leave home when they’re grown. Rome is a very expensive city and it’s not at all unusual for grandma, mama, daughter and great-granddaughter and their husbands to all live in the same house, with other kids and grandkids all having left only in their 30s when they could finally afford a downpayment. She looked forward to being the matriarch.

No real conclusions or judgments from this, I just think it’s interesting.

31

[QUOTE=Canadiangirl]
<snip>At no time did we discuss what I tried to introduce to the conversation tonight which ended with Canadiankid saying “we discussed this the other night, I don’t really want to talk about it again.”. End of topic.<snip>
[/quote]

Well, can’t say I care for his attitude much at all. How about instead of discussing his schooling, you discuss the date for him getting an apartment and leaving your house? Is he willing to discuss that? (Hint: it’s not up to him.)

I can see that when the kids are little, but you’re talking about a 22 year old, aren’t you? This adult kid should be developing an adult relationship with his father, not a continuing relationship of needing his father to look after him and put him first in every way.

32

Tried to edit to add; I think you need to start setting limits now. A 22 year old who doesn’t work full time during the summer is not progressing into adult-hood. My kids worked full time every summer from the age of 16, MrSin and I did the same back in the day. The whole not working fulltime thing is a warning sign. And who cares if it’s a job he doesn’t like. Who here on the SD hasn’t worked at a job we didn’t like (insert whiney voice here)? That’s why we try to improve our situations, so we don’t have to take crappy jobs anymore. You guys are shielding him from reality. It’s going to bite all of you in the ass in the end. Ref: 50ish bro still living at home. :wink:

33

I’m not a step-parent. I’m not even a parent. However, in my opinion, you need to make sure you and your husband are on the same page before you start to broach it with his son. I know he doesn’t want to discuss it, but if it’s important to you, he should be at least willing to talk about it. In a way, his “wait and see” attitude is a lot like his son’s lackadaisical attitude.

Personally, I think you have a right to want some time and space for just the two of you. But if you start trying to nudge him out without making sure your husband feels the same way, it’ll bring a wedge between you.

StG

34

Points taken. Thank you all for your input. Sometimes its nice just to know you’re not the only one feeling a certain way.

Periodically, it’s frustrating for me as I’ve always been one to have plans, goals, etc. And the fact that I don’t see any of that taking place is frustrating for me sometimes.

I guess hubby and I are at a point where we are planning for retirement and I would just like to know what the timeline is going to be before we’re on our own.

I suppose it will sort itself out in the end. Perhaps I’m expecting too many decisions to be made too early. Or perhaps not. We’ll see what the next few days brings.

The discussion about a full time summer job was disappointing. It’s difficult to imagine having a lack of drive like that. I understand everyone is different but it’s sometimes difficult to watch someone at the total opposite of where you come from make decisions. The disappointing thing, on my part, was listening to “well, I’m not working there because of this…” and “I don’t want to work there because of that”. Or, “I applied there but they’re not hiring”.

At the risk of sounding geezer-like, back in my day it didn’t particularly matter if you didn’t like the job, you just got what you could. And in this day and age, competing with hundreds of other university students for a summer job, you need to be competitive.

We hire summer students at our work for the summer. It’s amazing to see the difference in them and him. The drive they have, sometimes working two jobs to get enough to pay tuition and residence (they attend way out of town universities but come home for the summer) and being involved in extra activities to try to get volunteer experience while at the same time, trying to establish some sort of a life.

I guess I just keep hoping it doesn’t sound as negative from outside. And I’m trying to be positive in my approach but it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like the great inquisitor when I ask any questions.

Thank you for letting me vent here. I appreciate it.

35

If I may put in my two cents here…

Be very clear in your own mind about which of the stuff that’s bothering you is your business, and which isn’t your business.

The fact that you don’t really want your stepkid living in the same house as you indefinitely? Totally your business. It’s your house, yours and your husbands. There’s no reason you should have to put up with a living situation that’s bugging you just because your husband doesn’t care either way. Though I wonder, reading the thread whether it’s that he really doesn’t care, or that actually he prefers to have his son there and doesn’t really want to have him move out at all. But anyway, your opinions on the subject deserve to be respected.

The fact that you think your stepkid is cruising and doesn’t really have any ambitions in life? Not really your business, I’m afraid. He is, after all, an adult. If he doesn’t want to get a summer job - well, that might not be the way you would live in his shoes (it certainly wouldn’t be my choice) but unless you’re expecting rent/board from him, or unless he’s sponging off you for money because he doesn’t have any - not your business.

And I’m with StGermain all the way. Be on the same page as your husband first. You guys should be a team - you should be united.

BTW - I totally sympathise with your annoyance - I’d find it terminally frustrating too. Good luck with your future plans!

36

I’ve entered the arena with the rent thing after school is over (it’s kinda been a standing joke “you’ve got six months, kid, get a job, move or pay rent”.).

But mentioning it on the serious side? Doesn’t go over well with hubby.

But, now apparently, the whole “school is over” thing is getting a little bit longer than originally planned. Although because of apparently my inability to talk about it without it appearing like the Great Inquisition, I’m truly not sure how long it’s going to be.

Last I heard, go back to university next year for last year…however, MAYBE (and won’t be found out til apparently next year), there will be some credits he doesn’t have so he’ll have to go back another year, two, maybe three, days per week.
(Not that I’m counting, but that’s one year over, so far). Then, apparently, if he doesn’t / can’t find a job he likes in the meantime, he will go back for his masters. Since a masters is more than a year, and his grades, while good, aren’t in the top 10, I don’t know how that is going to work out as far teacher’s assistant / part time paid anything. (Not that I’m counting, but that’s definitely more than two years over).

Now, the interesting thing is, we’ve never talked about where he’s going to live when he does all this after next year. Dad has always told him, as long as he’s in school, he can live here. But I’m not sure that Dad thought it would be this long either.

And, since Canadiankid keeps things pretty close to the chest, it’s difficult to find out exactly what his plans are as far as living arrangements. And, because I’m a step parent, and haven’t really pushed hubby into a conversation about living arrangements since this news hit, I can’t really say “well, after next year, you’re on your own, good luck and you’re always welcome home for a visit”.

So, today may be the day I tackle this conversation with hubby. Or I may continue on, just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best! (BTW, not usually my most successful course of action).

I hope no one misunderstands…it’s not that I don’t like him living here, it’s that, at this time in his life, he should be thinking about moving on.

37

Absolutely. He’s 22 years old, not 12. He doesn’t have medical problems that prevent him from working or living on his own. I’d say it’s time for your needs to come first.

Nobody likes their summer jobs in college. (Okay, I’m sure there are some exceptions.) Most summer jobs aren’t meant to be meaningful or fulfilling; they’re meant to earn you cash to buy your books and beer the next semester.

Good luck, Canadiangirl. I think that the most important thing you can do is communicate what you want clearly to Canadianhusband and make it clear that Stepson spending the next 5 years at home with you is not an option. It’s not good for him; it’s not good for you; and it’s not good for your marriage.

38

Can he live with his mother?

39

Houston, this is Cape Canaveral – we have a failure to launch. I say again, we have a failure to launch.

Our youngest son made three attempts at independence before finally joining the Navy. He resisted all attempts to get him to the recruiter’s office, but when Razorette and I started having loud, boistrous sex every afternoon, he signed up. Gosh, that was fun!

40

[QUOTE=Sunrazor]
<snip>when Razorette and I started having loud, boistrous sex every afternoon, he signed up. Gosh, that was fun!
[/QUOTE]

You gotta do what you gotta do. :smiley: