My stepson - Episode III: The drunkening

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, I figured it was too good to last. In this thread, I related the tale of my stepson and how his mother refuses to see reality.

He started his new school and things seemed to be going okay.

Until last Friday night.

She gets a call from his friend about 10:45pm saying that he thinks he saw the stepson getting pulled over by the police about a half-block down from his (the friend’s) house. Fifteen minutes later, she gets a call from the police saying they had pulled the stepson over for doing 70 (yes, 70) miles per hour in a residential zone. Oh, yeah, he was stinking drunk. He ended up pulling a .114 on the breathalyzer. Oh, yeah, did I mention the open fifth of vodka in his truck that he got someone to buy for him?

.114 - I’ll let you think about that for a minute.

She went to pick him up from the police station and I ended up driving his POS truck home. We were discussing what to do about this until his court case comes up (which will be AFTER the original case) and we agreed that he would only be allowed to drive to school and back (unfortunately, there is no option for this since neither of us can do it).

Well, he didn’t have school today (some sort of holiday). I get home from work and guess who isn’t here?

She allowed him to go to THE SAME FRIEND’S HOUSE where he was headed last Friday.

I was already in a bad mood from work (coming soon to a thread near you), so this wasn’t the way to end they workday, lemme tell you.

After much slamming of things, I asked why she did it. She said she just changed her mind. I reminded her of our agreement, but she tried turn it into a “I ordered her to agree” thing.

You know what?

Fuck it.

It’s apparently going to take his death or killing of some innocent bystander to wake her up.

I’m done on the matter and told her as much. I told her to never mention his name to me again. I do not care one iota what happens to him from this point on.

She’s going to have to do it all since she’s bound and determined to do it anyway.

And before you suggest counseling, I brought it up and, based on the look she gave me, I had to look in a mirror to make sure I had sprouted a third eye on a stalk.

And before you suggest it, leaving is not a financial option.

2

Oh man, my heart goes out to you.
Here’s a suggestion I haven’t seen mentioned in any of the threads about him. He’s 16 right? Emancipate him. Throw his ass out of your house. Tell your wife she can see him if she likes, she can help him find a place to live, but he can’t come back and disrupt your home. After he’s out, he has to provide for himself. You can turn a blind eye to the money she will inevitably give him, as long as it doesn’t impact your lives, to keep peace if you must.

3

No can do. I moved into her house when we got married.

4

Sell it and buy another one! Preferably in another state, while he’s at school, or where ever he goes when he’s supposed to be there.
I know. I’m not helping now, but damn, man!
I know a mother can be blind to her child’s shortcomings, I couldn’t deny my son anything either. Now that he’s dead, I wish I had.
Is there public transportation between you and school? If so, disable his car, and give him bus money.

5

Oh dear. I have no suggestions, just sympathy.

6

Both our names are on the mortgage. The truck is technically his father’s. If anything were to happen to it, I’m sure I’d be the first person they’d come to.

I had planned on cancelling the insurance on it, but my wife said she’d just go get other insurance! That’s actually a moot point, though. According to Ga DUI laws, he’ll lose his license for one year since his BA level was over .08. Besides, if he got stopped and charged for not having insurance, the fine would $200. Guess who’d have to pay for that?

7

Ah, I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s amazing how one little teenager can make three people’s lives so completely miserable (assuming there aren’t any siblings - just add them into the total if there are.) So, the kid is a major screw-up, he is going to continue to be a major screw-up until something horrifying happens to stop him, your wife is going to continue to support his actions against you, and leaving isn’t an option right now. Hmm. That’s a tough one.

The one thing that might make a difference is counselling for YOU, Mr. Blue Sky. Your step-son needs it, your wife needs it, but you can’t make anyone go but you. I wrote out this whole long thing about removing yourself from making decisions about this kid, but that is never going to happen, because your wife is going to continue to use family money and resources to bail this kid out. Once he’s in jail, she will use family money and resources to go see him. If he moves out, she’ll pay for his apartment, and of course he’ll be welcome back every time he gets evicted.

I think the decision you need to make here is for the long-term - this kid is always going to be your wife’s problem. Your wife isn’t going to change, your step-son isn’t going to change, and what are you going to do about it? Leaving isn’t a financial option now, but can you work towards that goal? What do you need to do to make it happen?

8

He’s turning into his father. His father (about the same age as me) has always had HIS parents to bail him out of various situations.

What’s even sadder is that my wife’s father always had to bail her brother out of similar predicaments. Forget paralelling the stepson to my worthless brother, her brother is just as bad.

9

Where’s his dad in all this? Why can’t he go live with him for a while?
Lock the truck in the garage or chain it to a tree stump. Heck, I’d be temped to chain him to a stump, but that probably wouldn’t fly either…
If he’s caught driving, even not drunk, it’s on you and your wife. That’s another good reason to emancipate him.
BTW, in most states, if you have a suspended licence, you can’t get insurance. If she got another policy, he still wouldn’t be covered.
If his suspension doesn’t state that he can drive to and from school, the school is obligated to not allow him to drive on campus.

10

Oh, geez.

What I’m about to throw out here doesn’t imply that I’m all for just chucking it immediately and ditching the marriage without trying counseling first, even if you are the only one who attends. It does not sound as if she is open to going along.

I throw this out there because a relative of mine successfully did this. Her marriage was strained to the breaking point and after several years of trying to save it, she had to leave to save herself.

She was pretty well on the short end of the stick financially. She had a fairly decent job but her income was nowhere near her husband’s. She had no children, so she managed to make this work. She got two jobs; she worked her regular day job and got an evening job to supplement her income. The catch? The evening job was a 35-hour per week job. She was, in essence, *always * working.

She did this for about two years; she went to work around 7:30 am, worked until 4 pm, then caught a quick bite to eat and went to her second job at 5:30 until about 12:30 am. She was able to fit in some weekend shifts to give herself a break during the week, though.

She set herself up living alone in a small apartment and took the bus to work or caught rides with friends. She already had a college degree and after she sorted things out for herself she eventually landed a primo high-paying job and was able to quit the other two she’d been working to make ends meet.

Sure, it was pretty damned tough at first, working two jobs and the added enormous stress of getting divorced. But she told me it was heaven compared to the tremendous stress and anxiety of living with her ex. And you know what? She was right. The changes I noticed in her were pretty significant after she moved out. She was under tremendous stress, certainly. But she handled the stress of two jobs well because she was *so relieved * that she had gotten out of the relationship that was tearing her apart. She handled working all those hours well because she was focused on mending herself and not trying to stave off the damage her ex was doing to her.

I throw this out there only because I sense you might be heading in that direction but that only finances are holding you back.

This sounds like a huge, tremendous stress on you and the only way to get relief might be to extricate yourself. From your posts it appears she does not consider you an equal where her son is concerned. SS does not regard you as an authority figure because Mom actively undermines you. It’s a losing prospect all around. You are expected to shoulder responsibility but have no authority because Mom has taken it away.

Please don’t get me wrong; I would never advocate just breaking up a marriage on a whim. If she has refused and continues to refuse counseling, then go by yourself. Get counseling, go through your decision making process and once you’ve done that, put it to her and see what her own decision is. If she is not open to working with you instead of against you, consider waving goodbye and starting over.

featherlou was absolutely correct, your wife will probably continue to use family money, time and resources to bail him out of whatever shenanigans he gets up to next, and you will be left out of the decision making and your authority and say in the matters will be nil unless she is willing to participate in counseling and really, seriously make an effort to make the family work.

Let us know how you are doing.

11

His father is worthless. All he’ll do is yell and scream.

She’d just pay to have it cut loose.

She was talking about getting him insurance to cover him until his DUI hearing. When his license is suspended, he WILL be dropped from the insurance and the truck goes back to his father.

12

She won’t listen to me, but there is a woman she works with who she might listen to. I’d thought about approaching her, but I don’t know if I need to drag anybody into this mess.

As for the money thing. She plays piano at her church and will occasionally do tutoring on the side. The school has an afterschool program she runs that she gets paid separately for. She also runs the summer school program. This is money on top of her regular salary. She could theoretically use this extra money for the stepson. So unless the stepson commits some major crime, the money she may have to spend on him would not necessarily impact the household budget in a negative way.

However, without my salary, she couldn’t make it.

13

Don’t do it. The fact that your wife won’t listen to you is all you need to know here. As a married couple, you are supposed to be a team, but she is obviously not making that happen.

So she uses her extra money to pay for her delinquent son. Groovy. She can’t make it on her own without your money, yet she cuts you out of the decision-making process? You get to pay without any say? Whether you’re a man or a woman, that’s not fair. I guess you going out and getting an apartment for yourself would stretch your budget too far?

14

Impossible.

15

It was just a thought.

16

As it happens, I’m here in a short-staffed office because one co-worker is in court today as a result of her delinquent son’s shenanigans.

You appear to have two choices:

a) take a known financial hit now and get yourself out of that situation come hell or high water
b) face an inevitable but unknown financial hit later when he commits some crime you must pay for

I’d say get it over with. File for separation and get the hell out. It won’t be any more difficult than what you almost certainly will face, without preparation, without warning. Maybe your departure is what your wife needs as a wake-up call — nothing else seems to have worked.

17

Can’t do that. Our mortgage is set up on automatic draft. My paycheck is direct depostied and that’s the account the draft comes from. I get paid every two weeks. She gets paid monthly. I would not be able to get enough money together to get out. I certainly couldn’t afford a lawyer.

For better or worse, this is my only real-world choice. I’ve suffered before, I’ll suffer again.

I don’t won’t to “get it over with”. Besides, I don’t think she’d change her ways with regard to the stepson.

When I was fired from the pawn shop and didn’t have a job, she helped me out financially until I got a “better” job at the paper company. While all this mess sucks, I couldn’t cause her to lose her house (which she most certainly would). She doesn’t deserve it and I would have a hard time living with myself if that happened.

Hey, I suffered for 8 years at the paper company. I can hold on a little more here. As long as he doesn’t kill anybody before he turns 18 (April 1, 2007), I’ll have to suck it up.

18

Ugh, this is a mess. I am NOT a lawyer, but be sure to talk to one regarding him driving at all. It will be a legal mess. There are TWO license suspensions, an administrative (DMV) suspension as well as whatever the court will impose if found guilty.

Sites below open to PDF files

This site seems to address the DMV suspension. This site shows what the court ordered penalties are likely to beThis site has some general information on Georgia DUI laws.

This looks like a mess and a very expensive mess.

19

Thanks. I Googled this mess over the weekend. I figure if we get out of court for under $1000, we’ll be lucky. I am seriously hoping the judge will follow the rule of the law and send the idiot to jail for 24 hours.

20

I’ve seen several friends through DUIs. I’d be thinking closer to $5000. Be sure to factor in:

Attorney fees. Probably at least $1000. but could be higher

License reinstatement fees. If there are two seperate suspensions, there may be two seperate reinstatement fees.

Will the court order counseling as a result of the dui assessment? If so, add that in.

Will the court order an interlock device? If so, budget about 100 dollars per month.

The increase in insurance.

Will they order mandatory AA attendance? Not really a financial cost, but there is time involved as well as getting him there and back.

The monthly probabtion fee. Also, probabtion may require drug/alcohol testing. That is a seperate fee.

DUI school

The community service. The court may substitute an additional fine in lieu of the community service. Otherwise, there is the time and hassle of getting him back and forth to community service

Anyway, I wish you luck.