I pit my wife and her son. Should I divorce them?

The BBQ Pit
21

If this comes up again, and he pretends he’s actually planning on going, head straight to the computer and search for flights with him present (and, ideally, her). Can I assume your wife would foot the bill for this? If so, and she is present, try to have him book the ticket then and there.

This sounds like a shit situation. I hope your relationship with your other son is strong, and that you are able to maintain it whatever happens with your marriage. Second counseling, even if it’s alone. Your wife’s actions are somewhat understandable if she feels like she needs to make up for the son’s birth father, but what you describe just sounds hellish. The rny being, of course, that her current situation with her son is likely on par with what she went through with the dad.

Lastly, and I feel like this sort of thing has come up on the Dope before – You’re sure the birth dad has cancer, right?

22

Lots of good advice here. I just wanted to say that I’m not a fan of ultimatums - they are an absolute last resort and almost always turn out badly, IMHO. Having been on the receiving end of one, I think it harmed far more than it helped. Do your best to keep it as non-adversarial as possible.

Good luck, and I hope things work out well.

23

It’s probably too late now, but no, this is not “normal”.

I have no step-children, but one thing I learned raising two of my own - pick your battles, and make damn sure you win the ones you pick. OTOH, my wife and I made equally damn sure that our disagreements about the kids stayed behind closed doors and only between the two of us - none of this playing-one-off-against-the-other that your stepson has down to a fine art.

It may not be too late. Any kid still living at home is a child, whether he admits it or not. Maybe kicking him out will be the best thing in the world for him. Maybe it will lead directly to him being homeless and destitute for the next ten years (or until your wife dies). The thing to keep in mind is - either way, it is going to suck royally. For you, for him, and especially for your wife.

God be with you. All of you need His help, badly.

Regards,
Shodan

24

Perfect user name for the topic. Assuming cats fought without making a sound.

This family problem kind of stuff comes up a lot on the dope and, I have to say, some of the stories here make me shut my mouth and give thanks for how good I have it. Some dopers wade through crap that makes me look like a pathetic whiner.

I’m not sure the dad has cancer, no. He has more than enough health problems to make up for it if someone is lying. He (the wife’s ex) is a jackoff and a user, no question there, but I don’t see the angle here. No matter either way for me, I’m not going to be there and the longer the step-son stays there the better. Dear old dad has bitched long enough about how he is mistreated (he is still stinging because we wouldn’t reimbuse him for expenses when his son visited over the years) so maybe they can see what it is like to live together. I really do feel sorry for them both because neither is prepared to handle each other full time and during a major illness is a bad time to start.

25

Also, pay some attention to the other son. The ‘well-behaved’ ones often seem to get forgotten because the ‘troubled’ ones eat up all your attention.

And ask him his opinion on the situation. Maybe he can talk to his mother about this. Even if he’s off at college, it affects him too. If you divorce, it will certainly affect him.

26

The angle would be, from what I’ve read so far, to get a roommate to share expenses, which would mean (and I’m sure the ex knows this) that your wife would actually be subsidizing the ex’s lifestyle.

27

Hah, tell me about it. Story of my life.

-Zsofia, good daughter, about to be forced to go on a cruise with Bad Half-Brother and his Bad Children and his Bad Wife.

28

I have to channel Ann Landers and tell you - as others have - that your wife needs to understand that the marriage is in serious danger. That it is clear that you both need to go to counseling to acquire new tools and techniques for making your marriage work. That if she will not go to counseling that you will be going to counseling by yourself where you will be working out for yourself what your best course of action will be. And that divorce is a real possibility. But that you hope she is willing to keep it from being a probability by working with you.

Then, accept you can’t change other people, go see a counselor on your own if she won’t go with you, and accept that if you are honest with yourself and your therapist that the answer will become crystal clear in time.

29

Maybe understandable in a naive, moronic way. This situation is all about the wife. The stepson is a tangental issue.

The wife should have agreed, way back when, that you are the parent, just as much as she is, to the stepson. That she didn’t is bad on her; that you let that situation fester for decades is bad on you. It is very divisive to a couple when the step parent is not allowed any authority over the stepchild. How is that child ever supposed to accept the step parent if they don’t have to accept regular parenting authority?

Now your wife needs to come to Jesus, so to speak, and change her tune. It may be way too late, but it still needs to be done. The stepson still needs to see you and your wife as a united front, with you having equal (and supported) authority as her.

If she is unwilling to do this, I’d seriously consider a divorce, as hard as that is. I just don’t think I’d be willing to be a partner to someone with such a twisted concept of marriage and familly. Your biological son is a problem, but that’s mitigated a bit by him being old enough to be out of the house.

I’m trying to imagine what the wife’s side of the story could be. I can’t come up with any hypothetical that would explain her behavior. Even if you had hit the kid way back when, it would still warrant a long talk with you and an agreement of how you both were to raise the child. This whole silent treatment thing is crap and you should have never stood for it after the first time it happened.

I have a stepdaughter and strived to make her as much my real daughter as possible. I never would have put up with anything from my wife that turned me into any less of a parent to her as my wife. We also have a biological daughter together. My wife and I have our disagreements about the two of them, but we always wind up with a mutual understanding and plan of action.

As far as the immediate situation with the stepson–he needs to be given an ultimatum. Give him a timeline by which he has to be out of the house, one way or another (some time to find a job, some time to find lodging, etc). Any failure to adhere to that timeline–Bye bye. I’m assuming here that the deal with him living with the bio dad will never really pan out–clearly, he doesn’t want that enough to actually do anything to accomplish it. I’m not a fan of ultimatums, either, but sometimes they’re warranted. Especially with someone that’s an adult (and has been for a while), corrupting the marriage, being a bad influence to the younger son, and bringing drugs into your house (and using them there).

The drugs thing, by the way… no way in fucking hell do I let that shit go on. Goodbye privacy. If he wants to stay there before getting his shit together before moving out, then he’s totally subject to you guys going through all of his stuff any time you want. Usually I like to address a wrongdoing with future policy, but in this instance, that policy gets instituted immediately. I’d be plowing through all of his crap and tossing the drugs, bongs, etc. Your wife, of course, needs to be 100% behind this.

30

Hire a good divorce lawyer and get your cards in order in case the marriage fails. Line up a good marriage counsellor to help give the marriage one last chance. Speak to the wife about the immediate need to address the problem by meeting with the counsellor. If she refuses, pull the plug on the marriage. Life is too short to waste it in a miserable marriage.

31

You say you still love your wife and you have a kid together, so I’d advocate giving the marriage a chance by getting counseling. Will it work? I don’t know. But at least you’ll have given it every effort.

32

I was talking about ultimatums to his wife being a bad idea - ultimatums to the son I have no opinion on.

33

Actually having to take care of his ailing Father might be a major growth experience for him. Sometimes being responsible for someone else makes one more responsible for themselves. (He says as the dishes are undone and the wife is almost home from work.:slight_smile:

34

Well they work if they don’t have the sound of drama. Like, “I am not doing this to punish you, I am doing this because I can’t see a solution.”

35

Mr. Bradshaw isn’t the only one who thinks this. I’ve heard it often when I’ve listend to people talk about the Catholic view of marriage. They didn’t call it emotional incest though. That part is new, but makes sense.

36

Put your wife and her son on the same plane and send them both back to Daddy.

37

What is this “stress” she claims to be under ALL the time? Being a parent is stressful, but it’s not like this family blended last week or last month. It’s been decades, already.

  1. Son needs some tough love–he needs to go live with his dad (who no doubt will not teach him any good lessons re survival and life, coping skills etc, but you can’t control that).

  2. Wife needs a come to Jesus talk, stat. I suggest using “I” statements (I think we need marital counseling and have a few names for us to look into. I am increasingly unhappy with the way we solve our disputes. I feel something must be done about Son etc)

  3. Ask other son’s opinion on his older half brother. Usually I discourage getting kids involved, but he’s old enough.

Good luck.

38

My guess: Knowing deep down that a major clusterfuck is going on and feeling helpless and/or clueless towards doing anything about it.

39

You’d rather he just wait until he can take it no longer and move out suddenly one day - a little bit of a warning that its getting to that point seems fair.

40

I second the notion of “helping” the son by making the reservation yourself and driving him to the airport. THEN, after a day goes by, and your wife is out from the son’s influence a bit, THEN is when you discuss the counselling. Not while the boy is around.