What is it that makes a kid love, even revere, their bio parent even when said parent isn’t around by choice. I don’t mean cases where daddy just works abroad a lot, I mean run of the mill, no curve-balls, situations where dad donated some sperm, maybe married mom but quickly divorced, accepted an “every other weekend” + child support arrangement…and then neither pays support nor can be arsed to be available for 2 weekends a month.
When he behaves himself, this is my stepson’s dad. When he doesn’t the discussion goes, as it did on the phone last week, “Sorry buddy, can’t do our two-weeks (which turns into 5 days) together over summer break because I’m doing some jail time–my other exwife pressed charges for harassment, I lost my phone so didn’t know about a court hearing date so I’m in county til the end of July. But we’ll get together this Fall.”
Pretty crummy right? It’s been some version of this for the last 10 or so years. After one year as a stepdad it dawned on me I’d spent more time with him in one year than his real dad had his entire life. And yet, real dad is The Shit. He’s so cool and awesome and fun (when he’s not drunk or hung over on the 20-30 days/year they are actually together) and I’m just some dick her mom hangs out with, cooks his meals, hangs out at family gatherings, keeps the lights & internet on in the house he gets to live in, let him have a dog,(even though I despise the beasts) and helps grandma keep her house in repair. But this isn’t about me. I’m better in person than I am here so I’m not looking for tips on winning him over. That won’t happen until he’s 30 or so.
But why is he so damned loyal to his dad? He’s 12, he knows his old man is a deadbeat. Is it too painful to admit to himself his bio dad maybe doesn’t want him in his life, so he has to keep trying to maintain the image of the guy he wishes his dad would be?
Part of your problem with your stepson is “not my dad” syndrome, which I am pretty sure every stepparent has dealt with and I even did to my stepdad (who, looking back, was not a terrible parent but married my mom because he knocked her up, not because he wanted a stepson, so it was not ideal for either of us).
Some of it may well be that biodad is more “fun”. Before you get mad, I mean fun in the “Dad doesn’t make me eat my vegetables or go to sleep before midnight! He even let me try some beer and look at his porno mags!” sense, not in the “he took me to the zoo and encouraged me to get a degree in biology” sense.
Twelve is a critical age for kids. They’ve got one foot still rooted firmly in childhood, and the other just gently exploring the world ‘on the other side’. It sounds like he’s desperately trying to hold on to the fantasy-father regardless of the reality of his world. And the* less* he sees his bio dad, the more likely it is that he will create a ‘story’ that allows him to remain just a misunderstood hero.
Your son (and yes, I use that word wisely) will over the coming years begin to acknowledge the more obvious shortcomings of bio-dad, but he may still cling to some everlasting hope that his father will step up to the plate. Eventually, even this will pass. So sad.
Sorry to say, you’re just going to have to just keep on keeping on. It sucks, but them’s the breaks. Keep doing the right thing…you may never get overt kudos from your son, but he will be a better man for it.
My son thought his dad was the shit too, at least he seemed to. I had a conversation with the boy last year (when he was fifteen, two years after his dad died), and was surprised to hear that the boy actually had a much more realistic view of events than I had surmised.
Forgot to add: whatever you do, do NOT share your opinions of his bio-dad with your son, or even within possible earshot of him. When he is disappointed, as he will be time after time, just acknowledge his feelings and let them go.
To do otherwise will force him into a reality he is not ready to accept yet, and you will be cast (even more) as the villain.
Funny thing is, verbally he’s straight up told me I’m more of a dad to him than his father, and that he considers me his dad. So in his head, he gets it. But his heart is back and forth and his heart is generally what moves him, weak human that he is. It doesn’t help he is the smartass, charismatic, ‘too cool for school’ jock type that tormented me when I was 12. It’s been a struggle for both of us I must admit. I have to guide and nurture someone I consider to be a negative archetype, and he has to kowtow to an introverted peacenik.
ETA: Actually, my “Devil’s Advocate” skillz do the opposite of tearing down biodad (and my own kids’ biomom for that matter). It never gets more negative than recognizing the consequences they run into (like going to jail or having a hard time making ends meet because of unwise choices) and saying something like, “well that’s one way not to handle that kind of situation.” or “Well, maybe they just played the crummy hand they were dealt as best they could.”
Well, you’re going to have a few very interesting years ahead! Buckle in, and hang on like grim death.
Nah, sounds like you have a smart kid there, and smart kids are da bomb. If he’s already admitting (openly) that you are his dad, then I don’t portend too much long-term gloom ahead.
So when he praised his dad to you, maybe that was more to convince himself then a sign of his conviction?
Maybe it is just a question of looks. I’ve noticed that deadbeats and sociopaths know that they have to look attractive in order to charm their next victim. So they might go to jail and be evicted, but they will prevent getting the sagged bodies and middle-aged clothes the rest of us get. We rely on our dependability, deadbeats rely on charm and looking cool.
Maybe it is psychobabble, but I am coming around to the view that very few people are just one thing.
Bio-dad sounds like a fuckup. But maybe he is also a father that really loves his kid and the kid feels that.
I also wonder if there is some biologically driven instinct that once we bond with our parents we are going to look to them for protection and overlook all their shortcomings. At an instinctual level he may feel he can’t become close with you with out betraying his “real” dad.
Or maybe it is beer and porno magazines as mentioned upthread.
My kids are adopted and my daughter keeps making the memories of her bio-mom better and better. (My son doesn’t remember her.) She so desperately wants for her mom to be the good guy that this is what she imagines in her mind.
I think it’s just a defense mechanism because in her mind, if her mom was really a good person who did good things for her, then it was her fault and she can control her own world.
Eventually, she (and your son) will grow up and realize the truth about the situation. Until then, all you can do is keep being the best dad to him that you can and continue to not bad mouth biodad.
Why not ask the President? His Dad was a bigamist and a drunken bum who abandoned him and never gave him a second thought… but Obama has never stopped idealizing him.
Harvard changed him so Barry and I don’t talk much these days. Not about personal stuff anyways. I called him out of the blue just last week and it was like he didn’t even know who I was.
My cousins father claimed that he had been forced to marry my aunt (she wouldn’t put out, you see - after clarifying that yes, he’d heard correctly and the “force” had simply consisted of doing what was normal for the time and place, the judge granted the divorce she’d requested), didn’t pay child support, when he could be arsed pick up the kids (rarely, despite living 5 blocks away) he’d return them cranky, tired and hungry (he could have them the whole day and feed them a hot dog each - if that much)…
and yet, my eldest cousin was convinced her da was The Shit until that day she ran into him in the street, went to hug him, got rejected, “aren’t you [her dad’s name]?”, “yes I am, so what about it”, “I’m your daughter!”, “I don’t have any daughters, who knows who did that whore make you with”. And I’m convinced that she would have believed it even if her mother had actually been a showcase mother: after all, he wasn’t there to say “do your homework” and “no, not half an hour more, you have to get up now because you have to go to school!”
I am a huge advocate of keeping children away from their drunken, stupid, irresponsible parents who are in and out of jail. Yeah, maybe he “loves” his son, but actual love would involve him greeting a decent job, stop with the addictions and stay out of jail. You know, parenting. Hearing so many of these rotten stories…I don’t really give a shit that he didn’t pull out in time. He’s no father, and he should be banned entirely at birth.
To the OP, of course that’s not an option now. But know that if you stay the right course with love and care, and only talk about the bio-parent when and how he wants to talk about it, you’ll win in the end. And while I would never, ever advise you trash the guy, I see nothing wrong with presenting your opinion of the situation, in an age-appropriate, gentle and direct way. You are not required to pretend that it’s okay for his bio-parent to be to way. And by example and by your words, you will teach your son what a real father is and should be for when he’s ready to have a son.
There’s also the fact that we are made out of our parents. If his father is absolutely irredeemable–if there’s nothing there to admire or even like–it really raises the possibility that your stepson himself is deeply flawed or lacking or inferior. I feel . . .analogous . . .to my parents. In many ways, I think like each of them–even if we reach very different conclusions. I have tons of the same quirks and habits. I would imagine it’s hard, at 12, to sort out that you can be very like a very bad person, but manifest those same traits in positive ways. Much simpler to deny he’s that bad of a person.
Our family broke up when I was seven. My father although in contact with us never really had much of an positive impact. There was a few summers where we spent a week or so with him which happened only a couple of times. Then my mother met a man who eventually became my step father, his presence in our lives was the best part of my child hood. He was stable, loving and caring. Most important part was the stability, he put an end to our gypsy ways of constant moving around bought a modest house for all of us to live in. Taught us how to say I love you to one another before we went to bed, enrolled me in sports even when I didn’t want to, spent time with me even when I was a little dick to him because up to that point I didn’t accept him as a father figure, we went on family trips together. Taught me how to play chess which we played at least once a week together.
I remember tossing the football up in the air to myself in the backyard one day and noticed he was watching out the window, he came out and tossed the football around with me for an hour or so and we just talked until it got dark. That’s when I realized this is what a Dad is suppose to be. I wanted to start calling him Dad, he loved it but was such a great man he thought of my biological father and how he would feel if that happened in his presence, had a very great heart to heart talk to me on how he wanted to and will be a Dad for me in every sense but for the sake of peace I should just call him Jim, “You only have one Dad” Jim was only in our lives for a short period of time, six years before he became ill and passed away.
My father is still alive to this day, I’ve made every effort to get close to him. I find out he often comes into town without so much a phone call to say “Hey I’m in town want to go for lunch ?” I don’t know why. I know my father loves me, maybe it’s shame on his part or guilt that he doesn’t feel comfortable enough. I go down to visit him on occasion, but he hasn’t matured very much he often talks about only himself and his troubles, it becomes depressing. I’ve invited him countless times to spend a couple of days at my place, I live alone and have the space. He’s only an hour and half away but has never taken me up on the offer. Sadly he’s more like an uncle. The saddest part is, is that a man who has died over thirty years ago still to this day had more of a positive impact on my life in the sense of Father than my actual biological father who is still alive.
My father has two other kids. I am the only one that calls him on his birthday and fathers day. I do it because I know when the time comes when he passes on I’m not going to feel any guilt about anything. I tried, him not so much.
Jim never gave up trying to be a father figure, my bio-father did a long time ago.
Ughhh writing this made me tear up a little, thanks I needed that.
You never noticed that? People will put priorities where their livellihood is. If looking like an bad boy (or the middle aged version of that) is your livelihood, you will invest in the looks that go with the image. Long hair or a shaved head; instead of boring hair. A motorbike instead of reliable family car. Pumped up muscles (costs little if you just pump weights at home, only time, which deadbeats have). And the ragged concert T-shirts to show the muscles off, cause, nobody at the office is going to complain.
A devil may care attitude, which the deadbeat will try to sell as cool, free, and not at uptight as those squares.
Put all that together, and you have the ““cool”” look that teenagers are susceptible to. A look that they get taugth through rock stars.
Not saying all deadbeat child abandoners are dressed like rockstars, but I don think the likelyhood is bigger.
Responsible adults take care not to discuss their problems with their kids, right?
In contrast, an irresponsible adult will not just be in more trouble, but he is also more likely to complain about said trouble to anyone who will listen, as a way to shift blame away from himself.
Some kids love it when an adult seems to trust them with their problems, and seems to appreciate their help and input. Many kids have a bit of a rescuer in them. If the absentee parent keeps coming up with excuses, the kid may feel that absentee parent needs him more then his real parents.
The kid just may feel more appreciated. It is more seductive to hear: “Gee, you understand me so well and you are so gwon-up for your age, let me tell you some more wicked stuff taht involves me being persecuted and all sorts of juicy details about relationships and substance abuse problems” then to hear “Son, I’'m not going to bother you with my problems, I can handle it, all you need to do is do well in school, so go upstairs and study”.
That is why I agree with Sateryn.
Kids need to be taught, explicity, not to fall for this kind of seduction. Otherwise they will end up studying psychology and becoming therapists because listening to other people complain about their problems is the only way they know of relating to them and feeling worthwhile Who, me?
They need to be taught to recognize excuse making. The difference between “freedom” and an inability to sustain relationships. In short, they need to be ginven an antidote for the usual self-rationalisations absentee parents, and people who feel like failures in general, strew about.
The same goes, of course, to the female versions of this. Female versions of this are the sexy flirtatious look and attitude, or a veneer of hippy-free spirit woo.
