A Message from one of our Ship Captains

As you are aware, our multi-ship interstellar colonization mission has recently hit a snag with a run of infestations, and, as one of the captains of the Fleet, I want to address the situation.

The alien ship on LV-426 had in its hold a collection of what turned out to be eggs. Anyone near an egg as it opened was at risk of being attacked by the hatchling and impregnated – there is no other word – by an alien embryo that would eventually rip through the victim’s chest and emerge as a xenomorph that could, in turn, infest other people.

It was probably not a good idea to detour to LV-426 in the first place, but that damage is done, and we must deal with the consequences. Everyone should be tested for alien embryos, either by x-ray or MRI or by having a very long Q-tip inserted down their throat. Please do not trust test results produced by our androids. For some reason, these have not been fully reliable.

You should be tested if you have come into contact with anyone who has been in the egg nursery or with someone who has been infected. People can carry these embryos inside them and not show any symptoms, so don’t go by the fact that they appear well.

All crew members should wear steel-reinforced masks over their faces. The embryos appear able to penetrate polycarbonate shields. I know that this seems an imposition and an affront to your personal liberty, but such masks are our best protection against infection. People who don’t wear masks are putting both themselves and others at risk.

Stay at least six feet apart to minimize infection. face-huggers cannot leap farther than six feet.

Avoid large groups, and if you must be around people, be sure to wear your mask.

Wash your hands frequently with alkaline solution. the xenomorphs have acid for blood, and the alkali bothers them.

We were able to deal with the first wave of alien infestation well enough, and we relaxed rules and regulations so that businesses could open, but a second wave followed. Furthermore, people have been clandestinely gathered for large unmasked parties, and this has allowed the infestation to grow. Many people are saying that having an alien embryo is not that big a deal, or even that we should allow everyone to be impregnated so that we can develop an immunity to infestation. But the best scientific advice we have is that this will not work. Plus, we’re left with a lot of dead bodies with exploded chests.

Oh, come off it! These so-called “chest bursters” are no worse than a case of the Rigellian flu! I know a guy who knows a guy who has a brother-in-law down on “K” deck who says he knows a guy who got infected with one of these “xenomorphs” and it was no big deal.

Anyway, if you do get infected all you have to do is inject lye (which is extremely alkaline) directly into your bloodstream and it will totally neutralize the xenomorphs. Or take colloidal silver, that stuff cures anything.

MAKE THE MULTI-SHIP INTERSTELLAR COLONIZATION MISSION GREAT AGAIN!

Get a cat.

I recently heard news that our androids have destroyed our shipbuilding facilities, the Utopia Planitia Fleet Yards, on Mars. Is their rogue behavior linked to their potentially erroneous test results?

Tripler
I should have booked flight on Buy N Large lines instead.

Fake dispatch! They mostly come out at night.

Mostly.

Enough with that infernal testing! If we just quit testing, there wouldn’t be so many infestations.

To be sure, there also wouldn’t be so many infestations if the Mad King hadn’t disbanded the Alien Xenomorph Fast-Response Contingency Administration that the previous king had built.

A reminder in these troubling times, for those of you up-to-date on all your shots, that Arcturus is open for business!