Well, just the ones that load cartridges and use smokeless powder. But as it’s un-American to just take stuff, I propose an exchange program. Not the usual WalMart gift card, but like for like except with black powder muzzleloaders.
Muzzleloaders aren’t just quaint relics of the past. They’ve killed plenty of people over the centuries—just ask George Pickett’s former division—and from its introduction in 1847 to the release of the .357 Magnum in 1934 the Walker Colt was the most powerful revolver in the world. It was even designed to kill Indians and Mexicans in Texas, which should appeal to people concerned about our porous southern border. Then there is the 1851 Nave Colt .36cal, which has ballistic characteristics similar to a modern .380 automatic and was the favorite of Wild Bill Hickok.
If you prefer concealed-carry pistols, you can have your choice of an array of fine firearms, from pocket revolvers (Colt sold 325,000 of a single model) to the Derringer, which is plenty deadly—just ask Lincoln.
Hunters wouldn’t be left out, either. We have Colt’s revolving rifles but, really, if it takes you more than one shot to bag a buck you have no business being out there. These are highly-effective guns for hunting—just ask the American Bison. And there is no question about the effectiveness of black-powder shotguns—just ask the Passenger Pigeon.
These guns should especially appeal to do-it-yourselfers because they can build them from kits or even entirely from scratch if you are a hardcore survivalist with a machine shop and the ammunition can be made in your kitchen, though making gunpowder and casting bullets should not be done at the same time. I assembled a pistol from a kit, took one look at it, swore I’d never fire a gun I had built, and went shopping in catalogs, where I found modern reproductions that are made better and with better materials than the originals. There are also guns with modern looks for those who prefer their instruments of death to be ugly and soulless, made of stainless steel and plastic.
And then there are the cannon, which seem to be legal in most states. There’s nothing like firing a load of grape to break up a crowd of sullen teenagers who were looking at you funny—ask the students of Paris in 1832.
How, you ask, will arraying people like Billy the Kid reduce gun crime? The answer is simple because the guns are not simple. In fact, they are a pain in the ass to load and reload, much less maintain. And you cannot leave them laying around loaded because black powder absorbs water from the atmosphere and loses its potency. A young gang-banger, handed a Remington New Army that sat loaded for the past six months, would look pretty stupid standing in the middle of the street with his gun only making a bang from the cap and a fizzle from the powder. And forget about not cleaning it after every use; the remnants of traditional black powder foul the barrel and humidity turns it to acid, so while gangstas don’t care about getting a second use from a gun you would look as silly if you fired a poorly-maintained gun at a prowler. But most have heavy barrels and wooden stocks and were originally built to double as clubs. And you can fix a long, pokey bayonet.
In conclusion, anti-gun people will be happy because the most destructive guns will be off the street, the pro-gun people will be happy because they can dress up like Clint Eastwood as Josey Wales, and the eternal fiddlers can fiddle endlessly with things that require some upkeep on nights when it is too cold to fiddle with British sports cars.
