A Modest Proposal

Let’s disband the Secret Service and delegate their tasks to private companies. Think of all the money we could save if we just let Wackenhut and other rent-a-cop firms compete to offer the lowest bid.

J. Swift

Hey, kewl! Okay, here’s a list of their tasks. Who can we get?


Besides the bodyguarding stuff,

How about Microsoft for the Computer Fraud Division?
Miss Cleo for Telecommunications Fraud?
Xerox Corporation for Counterfeiting Division?

And the bodyguarding? How about Rosie O’Donnell being in charge of that, and she can hire from wherever she got her kid’s bodyguard? Hey, if he’s good enough for Blake, he’s good enough for Dubya.


Superman is the obvious candidate to investigate identity fraud.

Hey! What about me? I AM the official superhero of this forum. And I can always use my Middle Finger of Doom[sup]™[/sup] to catch the perpetrators of these heinous crimes in the act. And I work cheaper, too.

Superdude is the obvious candidate to investigate identity fraud.

Thank you. I graciously accept the position.

Not so fast, Superdude.

You are the obvious candidate. That doesn’t mean you’ve got the job.

We need to examine the credentials and suitability of Batdude and Spiderdude for this position as well.

We’ll let you know.

True, but I have it on good authority that Batdude smells, and Spiderdude is just generally creepy.


So, Superdude, it would appear that your qualifications for the job, by implication, are:

  1. You don’t give off obnoxious aromas.
  2. You are not generally creepy.

This is a good start. These qualities may suffice to get you on the shortlist.

However your vulnerability to Dudekryptonite may go against you.

The Committee is discussing this aspect of your application as we speak.