Missed the edit period. This article was written in Dec 2011.
Read more: Uncle Jang, the real power behind Kim the younger
Emphasis on “little”. The North Koreans are stunted enough by hunger that those young women would probably look like girls.
Simple, and moderately traditional. Invite the military high command over for a conference, under each seat is a small amount of C4. When they are all comfy, hit the trigger. Boom. No more problem. Install new high command, everybody moves up a rank. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed to get a compliant military high command.
Yeah, cause the next round of guys is just going to meekly show up at your conference…
I suspect it would be
- Boom.
- Bang.
- New NK General - “Well, looks like we need a new Kim. Who gets to be the long-lost brother?”
The problem is that I wouldn’t know how to do it. If we think the military elite that have been living in relative luxury for their whole lives are going to give that up at the snap of our finger because some fat kid wants them to, we are mistaken. And killing them off? That sounds good, but they are the ones keeping you in power. And if you get some other band of goons to kill the military leadership off, then you have them to deal with.
I think it would have to be gradual, and it would still be difficult. And if you got too friendly with the west (or SK) trying to help you, China isn’t going to be too happy.
Man, I love North Korea threads.
The first thing I’d do is spend a little time enjoying myself. I would have to inspect at least one parade.
The second thing I’d do is spend as long as it took to sway my bodyguard corps to my control. The Kim family is protected by a Bodyguard group that is not under the traditional command of the armed forces; it’s purely a party apparatus. So I’d get them on my side. This would go faster if I could bring someone else in my body-snatching machine with me; these ‘run a country’ thought-experiments always go a little better if you can control two people, or three or four, or have compatriots.
Once I had a few members of my bodyguards on my side, then I would eradicate the top generals, in particular Jang Sung-taek, and my aunt Kim Kyong-hui. I want to slowly tear the ship of state apart.
The reason for this is that I believe that unification will never come by accord. An accord will involve shortcuts and compromises, and I don’t want that. If North and South sit down at a table and discuss the merger of the two governments, then the new mutant system that results will preserve artifacts of the WPK regime into the present day. I want unification to come the way it came in Germany; I want unification to come as part of an abject, absolute surrender, either to South Korean guns or to the very forces of nature.
So, once my bodyguard corps is in place, and is loyal only to me, I’m going to start doing everything I can to a) push the peninsula towards war, b) undermine the North’s ability to fight in it, and c) alienate myself from the Chinese. In reverse order…
To alienate the Chinese, I’m going to aggravate them. In the first part, I’m going to instruct customs agents at ports and at Dandong-Sinuijiu that they’re to first impose onerous restrictions on trade, and then ultimately to cut it off altogether. I’m going to criticize their activities to the world press, make revanchist statements about Jilin province, and deny the existence of Chinese aid to Korea during the Korean war. At some point, I’m going to seize one of their ships, and generally make an annoyance of myself in the Bohai Sea. Finally, when they respond, I’m going to militarize the Yalu river, pulling crack units away from the DMZ to fortify it.
Second, I’m going to undermine the KPA. I will develop and obsession with fighter planes, and shift the military budget to support their large-scale import. I will throw huge amounts of money at developing a domestic copy of the Su-47 Berkut. Under the premise that I’m concerned about ship-mounted missiles, I’ll waste huge amounts of money on submarines, and all the while allow the KPA to wither away and disintegrate. As much as possible, I will erode North Korea’s ability to actually win a pitched battle against the South. I’m also going to do what I can to destroy what little good governance remains in North Korea; competent officials will be liquidated and replaced with incompetent ones. I will encourage bad behavior and make people slowly grow to loathe their government even more, and strain the cracks of the ship of state.
Third, I’m going to antagonize the south. I’m going to continuously criticize Park Gyun-Hyae and her government, I’m going to create more incidents, and I’m going to close Kaesong. I will send North Korean soldiers into the South on hopelessly ill-planned sabotage missions, allowing them to be captured. I’m going to encourage the defection of high-ranking party members by mistreating them and allowing them to escape, and some people will even be outright exiled. I will retreat from the Six-Party Talks, encouraging South Korea and China to speak to each other directly. I will alienate and abandon the South Korean left.
Finally, once all this is in place - it may take 10 years - I’m going to declare war, out of nowhere, out of the blue. North Korean planes will begin attacking Southern airfields, and KPA troops will pour into the South.
And then, at the last moment, I’m going to send a message to the DMZ artillery commanders, telling them that we’re going to take Seoul for prize and that they are not to fire their guns.
You see, in the meantime, even as I’ve been weakening the army, I’ll have been promoting generals who are over-confidant in our invincibility. Our armies will advance on Seoul, and be immediately pushed back; our expensive planes will be shot down by the hundred. Within a few days, those never-fired guns will be in ROK hands, and the whole question will become moot. Our army will be in no shape to fight, but high command will retreat to the mountains and vow never to surrender.
Except, of course, in the fullness of time, we will surrender. We will surrender unconditionally, and I will let myself be captured in order to negotiate a surrender face-to-face. I will unilaterally abolish North Korean statehood, allowing the ROK to extend its sovereignty north to the Yalu river, utterly overriding any institutions that we had placed there before.
At the very end of it, I will address my people one last time, telling them how sorry I am that I couldn’t deliver their dreams to them, and that we failed to do what we set out to do. I will tell them that my father and grandfather were criminals, that they deceived the people for their own benefit, and that it’s all been a lie from the very beginning. I will tell them that the ROK is the rightful government of Korea.
Then I will take a cyanide pill and die.
Check. And mate.
The first thing I’d do is organize a golf tournament, and put my finest scientists and thugs to work figuring out how I’m going to shoot 12 holes in one. That would be awesome.
Second, I’ll schedule free elections for the day after I receive the Nobel Peace Prize.
Between those two things, I will have accomplished more than any of the Kims actually have.
. . . This isn’t a fantasy scenario any more, is it? You’re already in control of Kim Jong-un’s body. It’s the only explanation for his recent behavior that makes any sense.
Shh…
Kim Jong-un’s chances of living another fifty years and then dying, a free man, of natural causes, don’t seem very good. I advise changing course.
Start telling your people that the South isn’t about to attack us. And then start explaining the advantage of capitalism when it comes to food supply. Negotiate gradual peaceful reunification with the South.
One problem I see is that China will want demilitarization of the North so they don’t have a potentially hostile military on their border, where the North Korean military will want assurance of its continued existence. Probably you will have to give in to Chinese concerns, but not totally.
Explain your coup concerns when meeting privately with Park Geun-hye. Maybe top South Korean political scientists will have some good non-violent ideas. My guess is that it will involve some sort of guarantee of the salaries of high ranking officers.
Every strategy has high risks and unpredictable results, so you might as well pick one that is moral.
What would I do? Eat a goddamn salad once in a while.
Also establish more open relations with SK. But mostly the salad thing.
Unfortunately, the only salad recipe your palace chef knows is kimchi-and-dog.
All joking aside, Lil Fattie could actually start doing the imperial Roman thing and giving out a ‘gift’ to the people of more or less bread and circuses - start slipping in ‘national festivals’ where the people attend for some sort of entertainment and a picnic/banquet. Start small, say 4 time a year [how many religious ‘high holy days’ does the NK theoretically get besides the 3 Kims s birthdays?] until there is effectively one festival a month. At least that would give a nutritional boost. Toss in some sort of school lunch program, maybe combined with a sort of ROTC/Young Pioneer program in the schools - we researched and found a link between nutrition at school programs and enhanced learning.
I seem to remember that NK has eased regulations and people are actually allowed to grow their own foods? Victory gardens are a great way to boost the family food supply. I wonder if there are any beekeepers - honey and pollenation.