Don’t get me wrong – I love the fact that I have a public pool just a block from me, and I love the fact that it’s free. Anyone can show up, rich or poor, young or old, smart or incredibly, unfathomably stupid. It’s a great thing in this city.
But if I may, a few words to the unwise:
Learn to fucking swim
Yes, armstrokes are key to propelling yourself through the water. So is kicking. But lifting your arm completely out of the water then bringing it, palm down, with a kerploosh, and lifting your feet out of the water then back down with a kerplash is not an efficient way to swim. Plus, you create a kerplunk and a wake big enough to cause a goddam tsunami. I understand that consideration of others is not high on your list of anywhere near your awareness, but please – When others are stuck blind by your spray, you have become the Loud Swimmer. Remember that water is a precious resource, and when half of the pool is emptied by your inconsideration, you might want to contemplate drowning.
Sure, splashing others is what swimming is all about. But splashing people up on the deck is amusing only to yourself. It’s no joke that my towel, a good 8 feet from the pool, is dripping wet at the end of the day because of your amusing chicanery. Consider drowning as an alterative.
As well, diving is all well and good, but when you are built like a linebacker, your funny attempts at a back flop are merely annoying. See the tsunami comment above.
And there is one kid who deserves to die. While I was sitting with my feet in the water and reading a book, the little shit did a cannonball right in front of me. My book was soaked. Apparently, he did it on purpose. One cool lifeguard who I have dubbed Britney Hitler told him that that was the last time he did that to anybody. She then banned him for life. Good for her.
Ladders are for the getting into and out of
I can understand very small children being hesitant about getting into the water. Their ear-piercing shrieks are evidence of that. So I’m patient, to an extent, when they loiter on the ladders. What I can’t stand, though, is when full grown adults use the ladders as either chairs or social gathering points. It sucks when I have to crawl out on my belly onto the scrapy concrete because not even one of six ladders is available for its intended purpose.
Throwing your girlfriend is fun
It must be a real turn-on for a girl to be forced, against her will, into the water. Such girls tend to regard these guys as some sort of heros for doing so. But ladies, if this display of extreme machismo is your idea of foreplay, at least don’t shriek about it. You’re waking the dead.
And macho punks, when the lifeguard tells you not to push people, don’t say “I didn’t do it” or “She made me.” You’re not fooling anyone.
Labor Day is not in mid-August
This last is directed to the pool staff. You advertise that the pool is open until Labor Day. Why, then, do I go on, say, August 14th only to find a big dry empty hole? Buy a fucking calendar already.