A partial panoply of unpardonable public pool 'plaints

The BBQ Pit
#1

Don’t get me wrong – I love the fact that I have a public pool just a block from me, and I love the fact that it’s free. Anyone can show up, rich or poor, young or old, smart or incredibly, unfathomably stupid. It’s a great thing in this city.

But if I may, a few words to the unwise:

Learn to fucking swim

Yes, armstrokes are key to propelling yourself through the water. So is kicking. But lifting your arm completely out of the water then bringing it, palm down, with a kerploosh, and lifting your feet out of the water then back down with a kerplash is not an efficient way to swim. Plus, you create a kerplunk and a wake big enough to cause a goddam tsunami. I understand that consideration of others is not high on your list of anywhere near your awareness, but please – When others are stuck blind by your spray, you have become the Loud Swimmer. Remember that water is a precious resource, and when half of the pool is emptied by your inconsideration, you might want to contemplate drowning.

Don’t splash

Sure, splashing others is what swimming is all about. But splashing people up on the deck is amusing only to yourself. It’s no joke that my towel, a good 8 feet from the pool, is dripping wet at the end of the day because of your amusing chicanery. Consider drowning as an alterative.

As well, diving is all well and good, but when you are built like a linebacker, your funny attempts at a back flop are merely annoying. See the tsunami comment above.

And there is one kid who deserves to die. While I was sitting with my feet in the water and reading a book, the little shit did a cannonball right in front of me. My book was soaked. Apparently, he did it on purpose. One cool lifeguard who I have dubbed Britney Hitler told him that that was the last time he did that to anybody. She then banned him for life. Good for her.

Ladders are for the getting into and out of

I can understand very small children being hesitant about getting into the water. Their ear-piercing shrieks are evidence of that. So I’m patient, to an extent, when they loiter on the ladders. What I can’t stand, though, is when full grown adults use the ladders as either chairs or social gathering points. It sucks when I have to crawl out on my belly onto the scrapy concrete because not even one of six ladders is available for its intended purpose.

Throwing your girlfriend is fun

It must be a real turn-on for a girl to be forced, against her will, into the water. Such girls tend to regard these guys as some sort of heros for doing so. But ladies, if this display of extreme machismo is your idea of foreplay, at least don’t shriek about it. You’re waking the dead.

And macho punks, when the lifeguard tells you not to push people, don’t say “I didn’t do it” or “She made me.” You’re not fooling anyone.

Labor Day is not in mid-August

This last is directed to the pool staff. You advertise that the pool is open until Labor Day. Why, then, do I go on, say, August 14th only to find a big dry empty hole? Buy a fucking calendar already.

Sheesh.

#2

Good lord, the shrinking-violet-attention-whore. “No! NO! EEEEEK!! Look, everyone, my big strong boyfriend is throwing me in the POOL, where I don’t want to go, which is why I came here in my teeny weenie bikini! HEEEELP!” :rolleyes:

#3

At least there aren’t any log floaters. We stopped going to the public pool after that little treasure find.

#4

Ewwwwww! That is just gross.

I haven’t been to a public pool in years for all the reasons listed by the OP. I much prefer going to one of the many lakes around here on our boat, finding a nice quiet cove with our boat, and paddling around to my heart’s content.

Before we had the boat though, we just suffered or went camping by a lake.

#5

Do what I do. Have a very close friend buy a house with a fantastic pool in the backyard. Whenever he says, “Hey, wanna come over?” GO! You won’t regret it.

The one thing I miss about my tiny little apt complex (24 units) I moved out of is no longer having access to the refreshing diluted chlorine after dark.

Still, whenever buddy and his wife have a volleyball game in the rest of their huge yard, or a BBQ, or a card game, or just people over to not be bored at home, we usually have a very nice relax afterwards, when most of the younger crowd have gone off to whatever else it is they do, if they were even invited over in the first place. Watching the lights and shadows play in the pool itself and the surrounding trees and plants and stuff is one of the best time wasters around. Add in a mai tai or two (as long as the actual swimming is done for the day, don’t want no drownings) and maybe the new single mom who just moved into the area lounging next to you in her nicely toned bikini skin …
Where was I?

#6

I was with you right up to the point where you were reading in the pool and whined because you got your poor book wet.

#7

I learned a lesson that day that could not have been learned in any other way.

As far as finding floaters in the pool, so far none of that. Yet.

And I find it admirable that young parents want to expose their kids to water at as early age as possible. Still, though, when I see parents dipping their kids’ bottoms – and hence diapers – into the water, one tends to think that it’s primarily to rinse out said diapers. When I see that, I no longe put my head under water, and when I get home I shower like there’s no tomorrow.

#8

The rest I’m with you on, and it’s certainly a good idea to know how to swim if you’re going to the pool – but unless you’re swimming laps, being annoyed by kerplunkers is the sign that you’ve become a Get-Off-My-Lawn-You-Kids! Guy (or Gal).

If you’re in a pool, expect to get wet. That’s a statement that really requires a “duh” after it. It’s unavoidable.

Now, granted, deliberate splashing is avoidable, and if you’re going to accidentally spray someone else you shouldn’t be splashing on purpose. Since kids usually can’t think far enough to those consequences, most pools prohibit splashing (cannonballs, etc, etc). But if it’s a couple of kids off away from everybody else, no big deal.

#9

You have an aversion to sharing a pool with Finnish lumbermen?

#10

Stories like this are why I don’t swim in any public pool.

#11

Last year we had to get out for an hour while some church baptised a bunch of pre-teen heathens. Big fun.

#12

I’m thinking publicswimming is not for you, so much. I don’t approve of deliberately splashing anybody who isn’t part of your own group, and inconsiderate behavior is right out, but in some of these I’m just not seeing it. Gee whiz, there were actually people in a swimming pool who weren’t expert swimmers? How awful! And teenagers acting like teenagers! Kids making noise outside! Oh my!

I don’t mean to be too cranky here, but unless these were a lot worse than they sounded, I think maybe you could lighten up a little. And yeah, sitting on the side of a public pool with a book is just silly. Seems like maybe you didn’t think that one through. :slight_smile:

#13

I had a pool put in three years ago. tdn thanks for reminding me what a wonderful idea that was. Plus, skinnydipping whenever I want! WOOHOO!!!

#14

Truthfully I’d expect nothing less at a public pool than a very loud wet environment.
You can’t really expect people to behave like they’re at a country club can you?

#15

I am so not a Get-Off-My-Lawn-You-Kids! Guy. I’m more of a Get-Out-Of-My-Pool-You-Kids! Guy.

Seriously, I understand that in a public pool, I’m going to get wet. That’s why I go. But I reserve the right to get annoyed by kerplunkers. If they do this sort of sloppy swimming 20 feet from me, it’s not so bad. When they do it with their feet (no exaggeration) 18 inches from my face, damn straight I’m going to get annoyed.

Damn kids!

(Some of whom are in their 50s.)

#16

Can I add one?

Stop throwing stuff, fuckers! Some of us are swimming here and don’t want to catch your locker key in the eye.

#17

Let me a-splain the book thing, lest it become a huge issue.

In the early days, I always read by the side of the pool. Sure, a few drops here and there would get on the pages, but nothing major. If someone splashed, I could usually move the book out of the way just in time. What I hadn’t counted on, however, is some little shit bastard deliberately soaking me from head to toe. And as it turned out, the little shit bastard had a history of doing that, and got banned because of it.

But that was something like 5 years ago, and I learned my lesson rather quickly. Public places are full of people that are rude, inconsiderate, ignorant, and little shit bastards. I now read at the furthest possible place from the water’s edge, and a never bring a book that I’m not willing to lose.