A person you've just started dating asks to read your journal. Dealbreaker or not?

In My Humble Opinion
101

Ha! Sorry. I was thinking “affect” or “effect”? Shit. I can’t remember! I should look it up. Crap, I have to go to this meeting. Screw it, they’ll know what I mean!

I’m 40. (Christ!) I don’t know where that puts me in the demographic. I understand the idea is to organize your thoughts and work through your shit. I guess I hadn’t considered, “I’d totally have a three way with my boss and the janitor.” to be something one would put in there.

ANYWAY, I went twelve rounds with this versus my wife last night, trying to understand this. While I get why someone would have a diary and she doesn’t, she gets why someone reading one would be a problem, and she brought me around some…pointing out that my sense of self is a little more severe than most. I guess my thinking is, you want to read my journal? It’s your funeral, dude. This is me, take it or leave it.

One thing she changed my mind about for sure, is that it is borderline creepy for someone you’ve just started dating to ask to read it. My initial thought was that Someone is just super into you, because that was the only explanation I could come up with for wanting to read someone’s nonsense.

102

You say inyour OP.

It’s disingenuous to ask a question about one party’s action without giving the whole story, which is that the person it happens to is nuts.

Had you stated in your hypothetical, that “You are in a live-in relationship with an registered sex offender who caused you to lose your job” then give the other details, it could completely change many people’s answers.

Bullshit. I never said that. No one owes anyone sex at any time.

I said your psycho friend is giving mixed messages. Having “semi-romantic” dates while playing a game of no sex because she and her fucked up boyfriend have a “semi-open” relationship where they can love others but not screw others(?). Or whatever it is.

The thing is, most people want sex in a romantic relationship. Most people don’t want to play games like what your friend is doing and the sane people would have all run away long time before this. Pretty much anyone who is still trying is going to be nuts themself, by definition.

The sooner your friend realizes this, the better.

103

This should not have been limited to sex. Most people who are looking for a romantic relationship want that, not some drama. People who are looking for FWB are going to want sex. I can’t see what sane person is going to want this particular relationship.

104

I really do think it is probably generational. I would tend to think of diaries as something kept by a teenage girl or something done 100 years ago. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that someone might have one unless they happened to bring it up. (for generational purposes, I’m 38) Actually, it’d be an interesting poll. I’m curious now as to how common it is to keep one.

105

Poll postedhere.

106

I’d say no, but it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, unless he kept bugging me about it. I’d probably be a little curious as to why he might want to read it, but, that’s about it.

(I haven’t kept a diary since I was in high school, so it’s all theoretical, though)

107

No it fucking isn’t disingenuous, because I was asking a question about OTHER PEOPLE. Jesus, you are making me go allcaps. At this rate I’m gonna break out the Stoid/Bosda font colors, underlines and boldfaces next.

  1. If I wanted to ask “what would a person in this incredibly specific situation do?” it would be kinda dumb considering I actually already know what she did.

  2. If I wanted to ask “what do you guys think of what my friend did?” I’d have included the background in my OP. Which I explicitly said I didn’t want to do, because I didn’t want to poison the well.

All I wanted to ask was “what would you (Joe or Jane Doper) do if you went on three dates with someone and s/he asked to read your journal?”

Smartest people on Earth. Right.

OMG what an awesome guy, on behalf of humans everywhere I thank you very much for that permission to not have sex if we don’t feel like it.

It’s the guy who’s setting up these romantic deals, not my friend. He knows she’s not having sex with him. If he knows the paremters but doesn’t like 'em, then guess what? He doesn’t have to go out with her. She’s not leading him on, she likes him as a friend, has a bit of a crush on him, but is happy just doing fun things/hanging out with the guy. This is really beyond the Pale behavior to you?

And you might want to check your ability to communicate, because when you say this:

…Then sorry, you sure as hell sound like some entitled dude who believes that a woman owes the guy some action. And it’s wrong on a few levels.

Firstly, I don’t know where you got the idea that she “initiated” the “dates,” because she didn’t. Second, since she set the limits of the relationship right from the start and has stuck with them, then no, those are not mixed signals.

If she’d started to get touchy-feely with the guy but then claimed she only wanted friendship? Yeah, that’s a mixed signal. But that ain’t what happened.

And none of this is relevant anyway. The only reason I brought the real story into it (several posts after the OP) was to add a bit of color/context to explain why I was asking, and most especially because I wanted to avoid this poll turning into “why are you asking? It’s all about you, isn’t it, choie? What do you have in your diary that you’re hiding? Who is this guy? Why aren’t you into him?”

I sure as fuck regret being honest now.

108

I do not and never will have a journal. Because some one might read it without my permission. And I would never give permission.

It invades my privacy. Privacy. Someone takes a part myself that I did not decide to share. My life, my self, my decision.

You’re familiar with the comment “TMI”? Well, it works both ways.

Privacy.

Just the idea effects a change in my blood pressure.

109

This is where my conversation with the Mrs. broke down last night. When we got to this it just kept going in circles. I kept thinking about your post stating that you’re completely comfortable with who you are, while at the same time it seems like you’re saying it would make you uncomfortable for people to know things about you that you don’t want them to know. I don’t get how they aren’t contradictory statements.

She got tired of talking about it, stating that I would never get it because not everyone shares my ‘I’m awesome, fuck you if you don’t like it.’ attitude. Maybe she’s right.

I don’t know. I mean, I totally get it to a point. You don’t want your spouse to know you’re lusting after the family pet or whatever, but who writes that down? I guess I’m thinking more along the lines of not wanting people to know you’re jealous of the neighbors, or worried about your job, or regret something you did, or the typical everyday shit I’d expect fills 95% of all journal pages.

110

I didn’t say it would make me “uncomfortable”; I said I would not want to do it. Because I value my privacy. I value everyone’s privacy, actually.

I don’t see how they are at all contradictory. I am fine with who I am; I also do not care to share everything with everyone.

In fact, and this is not meant cruelly, I tend to think people are willing to share a lot of details about themselves and their lives are constantly seeking for re-assurance, “validation”; they need external responses to see themselves - like toddlers and teen-agers. Is that what you mean by “uncomfortable”?

I guess if you don’t get the concept of privacy, you don’t.

111

To be honest nowadays it might be similar to being on one’s friends list on Facebook or some other personal account where one talks alot about their life.

112

I am a doofus. I’ve been so locked in to thinking about how I would feel if someone read my journal without permission, that I haven’t been parsing “I would never give permission.” We’re arguing two different things. Sorry dude.