Snap, sums up my thoughts perfectly. i would never have known that some people consider the content of their journal to be so intensely private. For mine, the question was innocent enough, asking to see it as in curious about what sort of stuff you write about etc. If the answer is “no”, then fine.
I voted option 3 btw.
Thanks for all the answers, folks. Very interesting!
Inner Stickler and stui magpie (and the others who don’t keep journals and are surprised they’re touchy subjects), a while back in the thread I added a post with a hypothetical that gives you guys a new way to think about it, although with all the other posts in the thread I doubt it was visible. I’ll repeat it here.
For those without private journals and assume you’d never write anything that’d be all that interesting in them, imagine instead that this person on your third date asks to read your outgoing/sent personal emails (or texts).
Is this a) presumptuous or b) no problem?
I think I missed the post you mean. 
For wanting to read email, I’d find that really strange. Not necessarily because it’s invasive but just because it would be an odd sort of thing to ask. I would expect basically everyone to have email but I wouldn’t even know they kept a journal unless they had brought it up since I’m not even aware of anyone I know keeping one. I might ask to read it, just because it would be a complete novelty to me. It feels like the sort of thing someone might have done a century or more ago.
Deal breaker… I’ve never kept a journal because I don’t want it to be read.
If I did keep one it would be for private thoughts, the fact that someone would ask to read it would be a put off.
I would also spend too much mental time stressing about that person looking for it because I’m kinda crazy. 
This sounds way more fucked up than just letting someone read your private journal (I hope I’m reading this right: it wasn’t a livejournal or similar accessible to anyone who tried to search knowing your username). An open relationship, but one that doesn’t allow sex with anyone else? How is that an open relationship?
And she’d let this friend - that’s all he is, really - read a journal her partner isn’t allowed to read?
She’s moving on, basically. If not with this guy, then with the next.
I’m sorry to ask this, but did your first wife die? I seem to remember you mentionin g this before and feel bad that I’m not more sure.
I hope you kept those journals, and I respect you not reading them yourself.
Oh gosh, I so hope the latter is true; she needs to move on, like, two years ago. She seems to be getting to that mindset at last. But hopefully not with this new guy since IMHO he has a creeper/player vibe.
But anyway, yes, you have it right in that this was a real, physical diary. The knowledge that she had the diary came up in an earlier conversation at work when people were talking about public blogging taking over diary-writing, or something like that, I don’t remember the details by now. (This whole business already takes up more real estate in my brain than I wish it did.) Then on the third date, blammo, dude asks to read the diary. And because this girl has no clue about boundaries (and possibly because she has nothing that personal in it–but I don’t even know that), she lets him because aw, isn’t that sweet. (I do NOT get this mindset but apparently it’s not unique, at least according to the poll.)
And yep, the relationship’s open (mainly because she and her BF both seem aware on a subconscious level that this romance is on borrowed time because his situation isn’t compatible with her longterm goals or even current interests, like wanting to go to a park now and then). But she just doesn’t feel comfortable taking things further. AFAIK it has nothing to do with what she’s “allowed” but what she feels personally comfortable with. She’s young, naive, and as religious/Christian as you can get while living with a guy she’s not married to. (What I call a Convenient Christian.)
So her definition of “open relationship” presumably means it’s okay to hang out and have crushes on other guys, exploring options like that. But to her, going anywhere romantically/sexually would feel like a betrayal on her part. Exactly what the definition means to her BF, I have no idea; I don’t go near that subject with a 10,000-foot pole.
Exactly this. Mostly. I do keep a journal. But the entire rest of my answer is the same.
I’d consider the request deeply inappropriate and weird under most circumstances, and certainly under the ones you’re describing here. I think it’s a bit different, though, if it’s something like a journal of the author’s trip around the world or experiences in the Peace Corps – i.e., something that might be inherently interesting for non-creepy reasons and isn’t by definition super-intimate.
Hey, did you meet this biker around 1976-1981? I recall meeting a fellow solo-biker in either Oregon, Washington Or B.C. that asked me to read his journal. It was weird to me that he actually wanted me to read it and give him input on it. We were snow bound in cabins of a motel at the time. I did read about ten pages and we discussed them.
He was hoping to write a book, much like Peter Jenkins did in “A Walk Across America”. As far as I know he never did write the book.
I do not keep a journal, and if I did It would be in a seriously secure, unknown location. It would have no identifying marks on it at all. So for me, Hell No! It is not even slightly acceptable to ask to read it. Major deal breaker!!
You do not have an option strong enough.
“Deal-breaker”? Obviously.
When I was younger, and actually dating, I would have politely pulled away from this person. Now, older and at least more informed if not wiser, I would inform my lawyer and probably move, leaving no forwarding address.
If I kept a journal, and I wanted people to read it, I would publish it.
Heh. Well, I love the 30 Rock quote, so I felt “shut it down” was sharper than the other Liz Lemon options, “No to the Way to the Jose” or “Not on my watch, beeyotch.” If you read my post following the OP I’m way more… vociferous about this.
I can think of certain very select cases where I would ask someone specific to read my diary (which doesn’t exist, actually) – like a shrink, or someone to whom I needed to express my genuine at-the-time feelings regarding a past incident – but my warning bells would go off if someone initiated the “can I read it?” request of me. What is it that this person is trying to learn that s/he can’t just ask me about? Is my word not good enough? Just prurient interest? I don’t get it, and I definitely don’t get it after a three-date situation.
But apparently we’re in the minority by a significant amount, which surprises me but maybe it shouldn’t; it’s probably a good thing that people are more open than I am.
Yes, if she offered to swap oral sex for the journal.
Naturally.
(Of course, my journal is blank–I don’t keep one. So, I suspect we’'d break up, afterwards. So oral sex first. )
I can’t help but think several of you are seriously overreacting to a simple question. I do think it’s an odd request so early in a relationship, but as long as my “no” is respected I’m happy to move past it.
I didn’t vote because you didn’t have an option for “A plague o’ both your houses!” which also isn’t exactly right, but better corresponds to my thoughts that both sides are nuts.
Your friend has a crush on the guy so she’s giving off signals right and left. She says she does’t want sex, but she initiates dates and goes to the guy’s house to watch TV. Her words don’t match her actions in a sane world.
She needs to change or get help ASAP.
Things are just too fucked up to make a call here.
Reading Is Fundamental! The subject line and the poll itself very clearly state that in this question, YOU are the one being asked to show the date your diary (or, for those who can’t imagine what that is like, your personal email/texts).
Has nothing to do with the situation that inspired the thread. So my windmachine is blowing the plague germs right back on you.
OMG, I know, right? Isn’t there a rule where women must at least give a blow job if they spend time at a park and a concert with a guy? And then she goes to a man’s house without fucking him? What kind of uptight bitch does that?!
Oh I’ll agree. Something is indeed fucked up.
Who you really are, not who you’re pretending to be when other people are around. Or maybe just some new stuff that hasn’t come up yet.
I’m getting the sense that those of you opposed aren’t entirely comfortable in your own skin. What is there to worry about? I’m not going to hide who I am from anyone. That sounds exhausting. You want to read my journal, scour my Inbox and check my texts, snoop through my sock drawer or whatever else? You go right ahead. Maybe you’ll find some surprises, maybe you won’t.
At the same time, if you’ve got a journal and you don’t want me to read it, that’s cool with me. I don’t get your trust issues, but you probably don’t get why I need to check all the locks several times before I leave the house so we’ll call it a draw.
No, we are completely comfortable in our skins. We quite like our skins. We like boundaries in general.
I don’t understand the apparent belief that wanting privacy means one is ashamed of something.
Again I’m in the camp of understanding why someone would say no – I would, even if I didn’t think she could read Shavian – but not understanding flipping the fuck out at the person even asking.
I didn’t say anything about shame.
Help me understand. You have a journal, someone reads it, how does it effect you in any way?
So what does “not comfortable with themselves” mean?
It doesn’t effect me, though it might affect me. (Sorry, I’m an editor.)
Wow, do people really not get the concept of diaries? Is it a generational thing? Are you from the blogger/Facebook/Twitter generation where sharing 140 characters of ridicuously TMI stuff like “LOL I found the weirdest pattern of blood clots in my Always pad!” (not to mention the accompanying Instagram) is de rigueur?
Seriously, many people write things in their diaries/journals that they wouldn’t reveal to anyone. It can be a useful way of tracking your innermost thoughts that you don’t talk to others about. Stuff like this can be as mild as a crush you have in school/at work or jealousy of a friend/loved one, or as dark as acknowledging ongoing fears/abuse/depression/addiction/self-loathing/anger. You really think someone writing about such things wouldn’t be affected by someone else reading it?!
Y’know, I’m not surprised that many don’t keep personal diaries, or just use them as trivial travel logs or scrapbooks. But I am pretty gobsmacked that some people really never knew that many use personal diaries for… well, personal stuff. Dang, there’s a reason diaries used to (and maybe still do?) come with locks!