There is another option - at least to cleaning your house - pay someone else to do it. Its wonderful, but its an expense most people don’t need. And, in the end, you still need to declutter.
(I haven’t found a way to pay someone else to lose weight for me though - or, at least, it doesn’t come off MY hips unless I put forth the effort of doing something other than writing a check).
Those keyboard gremlins are a bitch, aren’t they? I personally find that the timer works pretty well for me a lot of the time, for a couple of reasons. I tend to use the timer on my oven, and if I’m in another room, or am cleaning in most of the kitchen, I physically can’t watch the clock without making a deliberate effort. I use the same technique when I’m upstairs, too. I set the timer on my cell phone and either stuff it in my pocket or leave it out in the hallway. And since I’ve committed to absolutely busting my hump until the buzzer sounds, I’m too busy to go out of my way to look at the clock.
When the timer goes off, I’ve generally made enough of a difference that I want to do another fifteen minutes, so I do. But if I don’t want to do another fifteen minutes, I’ve fulfilled my obligation to myself, and I can go do something else with a clean conscience.
Yeah. It’s not easy, and it never is. Habits make it easier, but it’s never, ever, going to be effortless. I’m glad that made you feel better.
What *Lissla Lissar said is about right for me too; the thing that helped me most was saying “It’s Thursday, so I shop and clean the bathroom” --and then grit my teeth and get it done. Then I don’t wind up putting lots of thought every day into whether the bathroom needs cleaning or not (maybe tomorrow? should I do it now?) or feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff that needs doing. It’s Thursday, I did my Thursday jobs, I can relax and worry about scrubbing kitchen counters on the kitchen day. Without a routine, I look at the whole house and all the jobs that need doing and feel hopeless about it, because there’s no end. With a routine, there’s an end to the job and anything else I do is a bonus–I wind up feeling much more competent and accomplished.
This is currently mostly theoretical, since as I said a lot of my (hard-won, precarious) habits have slipped badly with everything else on my plate. I’m still trying to work out how to get everything done. And this thread has reminded me that the floor really, really needs mopping. I hate mopping. But if we have lunch now, I can get it done before naptime–which is when I get to work on the baby quilt I’m sewing. So I will grit my teeth and do it instead of looking at more Straight Dope.
Oh, and I too highly recommend Home comforts. The introduction alone is well worth getting the book out of the library!
Yeah. If you give youself definite jobs, then when they’re finished, you can relax. That’s amazing. It means, “I have to clean the fridge”, instead of “Oh poor me! I have to clean the fridge and the sink and declutter and do the laundry and the livingroom’s a mess… I think I’ll eat some chocolate instead”.
Yeah, FlyLady is smarmy; and, admittedly, instead of buying (or even reading) Body Clutter, I had weight loss surgery.
But I gotta say, she has helped me immensely! I’m a bad housekeeper (yep, that’s still present-tense) who was raised by a bad housekeeper, and I married a man who was bad at it, and raised by someone who was bad at it, so he never complained.
However, I’ve managed to cultivate some routines that have stayed with me. While the routines don’t make the work effortless, sometimes I really don’t notice I’m doing the stuff 'til after I’m done. For instance, every night before I go to bed, I lay out clothes for me and my 1st grade daughter for the next day; on Sundays (because it’s coupon day, and a new supermarket circular comes out), I clip coupons, plan my dinner menus for the week, and make my grocery list. Oh, and the groceries get put away as soon as they come in the house. If not, they often sit there for days, even weeks. And a timer is invaluable when I’m faced with doing something I really, really don’t want to do.
Also, I’ve made some very good friends on the Yahoo! mailing group for FlyLady for the state of Maryland.
Having said all that, I do not read the testimonials and essays she sends out! They are too depressing! I hate to read about some woman who, according to herself, was not only a slob, but a total bitch to her husband and kids; but, yea, verily, three weeks after finding FlyLady, her clutter is gone, her house is spotless, her family adores her and she’s been elected Mayor. Ugh.
Hmm. It appears that I need a new mop. Mine broke for good 2/3 of the way through the job (which is the front half of my house). I managed to finish, though. Stupid plastic mop.
WhyNot,
You have been a tremendous blessing to me on this board. I can’t tell you how fondly I think of you. The advice you have given me specifically and your comments made elsewhere are a highlight of my enjoying this board.
I have tried FlyLady on several occasions, as an atheist, some of it is, well, damn, anyone with half a brain would find some of it way too smarmy. However, after the last dramatic bout in my life, I thought I would try it again and I just couldn’t. I didn’t care enough about me, my house or anything else enough to give a shit.
I spent about 10 hours talking about divorce with my husband last night and how miserable I have been. That I could stand up, walk out of this house with my daughter in my arms, watch the house burn and not feel a god damned thing. I would miss nothing.
There is a point you reach where even the basics of self-care are more than you can take. I have found that when I have hope, I can do Flylady, she feeds my hope, but when I am in despair, she feeds that too.
You are a phenomenal woman and mother, I read the Lean Cuisine thread. 
I think more women than just you and I could stand to give ourselves a little more credit than we do. I may just be a stranger on a message board, but I certainly think you kick ass and deserve more than what you give yourself.
There is someone in Tampa who, whenever she hears the phrase “Why not?” gets a warm fuzzy feeling for someone she’s never met.
So you tell me, Why not take better care of yourself and your home? Who deserves it more than you? (And if you answer your daughter, I’ll give you a pass on that one, but no one else)
Can’t do it for yourself? Do it for me, because I damn sure believe in you.
As Dangermom and others have said, it’s not easy to pick up or keep these habits in the long run. However, it makes life a million times easier to maintain a level of cleanliness if you have a schedule in place for cleaning.
When I was a student, I worked part time. I was busier as a student than I am now working a full time job, and it was imperative for me to have a schedule in order for my apartment (which I shared with other people) to not devolve into a disgusting cesspool of filth and for me to get all of my work done. Because I was too tired most nights when I got home to want to clean much or do homework, I did the little things that were mandatory to do every night every evening when I got home. (Cooking, cleaning the pots that I used were a big part of this. Making sure I didn’t lose whatever paperwork I gathered during the day was another very important part of this. A filing system was a lifesaver for me in a place that was too small for most of my things.) Since I didn’t work on weekends, I separated out Saturdays and Sundays for specific chores. Major cleaning of the entire apartment (well, actually my room and the public areas-- my roommate didn’t really contribute to the cleaning effort) was made simpler by keeping to this schedule. I’d wake up, amble out of bed, wash the dishes that were left from the week, turn on the dishwasher for what fit in there, and wipe down all the kitchen surfaces. This included putting away spices and other things that were not put back during the week. (Yes, I did a lot of picking up after my roommate.) Then I’d move on to the living room. If there were books, dvds, or other random crap lying around, I’d pick them up and put them in their proper place. Sometimes this meant making a pile of stuff for my roommate to discover in front of his door when he woke up later in the day. (He seemed okay with this, if only for the fact that I was the only person keeping the public areas clean.) Once this was done, I’d sweep the floors. Did I mention my fiance and I (who was not living in the same state at the time; long story) have a dog that sheds a lot? If I had more time and I felt like it, I’d start on laundry. If not, I’d try to get some of my schoolwork done. Generally, the messes seemed overwhelming until I got started on them, and then they were relatively easy to clean. However, it was a pain in the butt to have to occasionally invade the roommate’s room to collect dishes and flatware that had been left in there during the week. (Yecch.) The fact that I spent most of every weekend cleaning did not bode well for my exercise routine, which was spotty at best.
Although I was able to master a cleaning system, exercising on a regular basis is still a big challenge for me, even when I’m doing well with eating healthfully. What has made it easier to exercise regularly is having two exercise DVDs that I use on days that I just don’t feel like going outside and biking or jogging, and I’m very slowly starting to notice some results. Do I still look in the mirror and feel disgusted with myself for not having lost the weight and kept it off already? Yes. It doesn’t make it any easier, but I’m doing it for a lot of reasons, including wanting to not feel like I’m looking at a disgusting, fat slob every time I look in the mirror. (I realize a lot of my feelings about my body are a lot worse than they should be. I’m about 40 lbs. overweight, but it doesn’t show too obviously. I still am attractive to others, but I’m just not attractive to me at the size that I am.)
None of this is going to be easy, and it’s going to be a challenge every day, even when you reach your goals. It’ll be less challenging then, but the key to finding some satisfaction is in achieving and then maintaining your own goals.
Cleaning: I could see making a schedule and trying to keep up with it and the whole “nobody likes it, we just deal” argument but I just will not do it. Will Not Do It. So my attitude is to outsource it. Other people either like to do it, or are willing to do it for money-so my current practice is to keep my hovel, “cluttered but not filthy” and wait for my next scheduled bonus to go through, at which point I am going to get a maid and never clean again in my life beyond simple tidying up.
I am a slob. I’ve moved on from the realisation and have simply directed my life to take it into account and put myself in a position where I don’t have to do it anymore.
Weight:
I relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I bloated out during law school but 3 months out and I got so so athletic and toned. I look at pictures of myself from a little over a year ago and think, “WOW, I lookED amazing.”
And then some bad shit (abusive relationships), failing the Bar (I’ve since passed 2 and am on schedule for 2 more…don’t ask), learning how to maintain weight while working a full-time job with a crappy commute etc. etc…AND I’m 10 lbs heavier though I lost 20 lbs…
I’ve taken 3 or 4 off here and there but I haven’t really hunkered down to the svelte physique that made me so happy. And I’ve packed it on the same way you have-a co-dependant relationship with food. For me it’s alcohol and eating out-if I look at a glass of wine it goes to my thighs. Unfortunately, my lifestyle facilitates dining out and drinking alcohol. My buddies from grad school call me up and want to go to happy hour, which turns into 4 glasses of wine and stuffing myself with 1/2 price appetizers. I won’t even talk about how much food my clients bring in during transactions. It’s sinful. We have a 6 person legal department. They bring in enough for our AGENCY.
I spent a lot of time over the past 2 months thinking about what I want out of life and a bloody co-dependent relationship with merlot and a bucket of spicy tuna rolls wasn’t on the list.
So fuck it, I’m leaving myself.
Whynot, one of your posts from the past was a big help to me and I would like to try to return the favor in a small way. In my usual fashoin, I’ll make a small point into a long story.
My father died of a heart attack at 47 with little prior warning. Soon after I went to the doctor, and based on what I found out my conclusion was: exercise and eat right or die. So, slowly, I started exercising and eating better. For several years, that was my motivation: do it or die.
Then, gradually, things besides my health started improving. I have more energy, more confidence, and at 44, I look the best I ever have and I have more strength and endurance than ever. So, now my vanity helps motivate me. I’m not going back to where I was before. It’s not easy. One of the hardest parts of it for me to deal with is the concept that you’re never finished. You can’t sit down one day and say, 'There, I’ve lost 20 lbs and I can quit now." You have to do it forever. Another small motivation is this: Never, after an exercise session, have I regretted doing that session. I may not have felt like it at the beginning, but I am alway glad I did it when I’m done.
Notice in all of that, I was doing it for me. So, when you think you’re indulging yourself with a blueberry muffin, indulge yourself with some body maintenance instead. If it helps, realize also that your health and longevity impacts the quality of life for your kids.
As for the cleaning, the only thing I can offer are this: I waste way too much time (my most precious commodity) because I’m too unorganized. If I can figure out a better way, I would sure like to try.
I am a mostly bad housekeeper. I have a great deal of trouble putting laundry away, and clean dishes, and my shoes.
Things I find that help-- do not feel guilty about buying disposable cleaning supplies. Those Clorox Cleaning Cloths that come in the dispensing cannister are the reason my toilet and bathroom sink/countertop are clean, as well as the kitchen counter. Swiffer wet mops mean my floor will get done, like, ever. I can’t deal with wringing out and handling dirty sponge mops or sponges that have been on the toilet. This is OK.
If you have a lot of papers laying around, get a filing cabinet. If you have laundry on the floor, get some hampers. If your dirty dishes are preventing you from using the sink, get a plastic dish bin to keep them in and a drying rack. Use tools. Whatever it takes.
As for your bod, yeah, well, very few of us have the exact body we want, past a certain age. Set attainable goals so you don’t have to feel guilty about not meeting them.
And FORGIVE YOURSELF. You’re not perfect. So what? It’s OK. You’re a good mom and a good person. You wouldn’t judge anyone else this harshly, would you?
This is true, but it’s not an option for me, budget-wise. I have in past had someone come in and clean every two weeks, but to be honest, there’s a vague creepiness factor in having someone (even someone I know fairly well) in my house when I’m not there. And then there’s the “where the hell did she put the _______” thing, too. Which is not to say I wouldn’t do it again, should the budget allow for it…
Let me amend that to “he or she”, as one of my cleaners (really good one, too!) was a male friend who needed some extra income at the time.
I feel your pain. I used to do the major 8 hour cleaning once a year and it was nice for a day or two but went right back to the messy state eventually. See, I’m a guy, so I used to live like a cave man. Spending a month in a hospital and coming home to afilthy house gave me a different perspective. So, slowly, painfully I forced myself to new ways of living. Not just new habits. It’s a whole new lifestyle. But I love it.
Lots of detailed advice can be found, such as washing the dishes you cook with while you cook (don’t just dump 'em in the sink for later) Put all laundry in a basket and wash when the basket is full, then immediately fold when dry. Pick up things and put them away as you walk from room to room, etc… But these are details. In my opinion the major first step is motivation, once you’ve given yourself that, the rest falls into place.
I’m very clean now, I cannot imagine living the way I used to. I’ve lost a lot of weight as well, and I feel as if I spend hardly no time at all to clean my home. So, it’s not a big nasty chore now that I’ve changed. It was at first, now I don’t even notice it.
It’s important to start somewhere and find the motivation. Your kid/s, your husband, yourself, maybe all three. Wanting things different is step one, which you seem to have already taken. Good luck!
(This post was intended to be encouraging.)
WhyNot, here’s another vote that you are cool and you need to forgive yourself. Guilt is a lousy motivator. I too am fighting the flab, and I know it’s tough to love yourself sometimes, but I figure that it’s unlikely that I’ll be given a body transplant any time soon. Better to learn to really love yourself than dwell on it. You’re a good mom. You deserve a neat clean home.
To be bluntly truthful, when I lived alone, I kept a much, much cleaner house than I do now. I’ve always been a clutter sort of person - in large part because my hobbies and avocations lend themselves so well to clutter. (I read like an absolute fiend, do tapestry (decorative needlework) and play collectible card games. It’s like an unholy clutter trifecta!) However, right up until I moved in with my husband, everything was clean, if not tidy.
He, however, suffers under the dual disability of a) being raised not to have even the vaugest idea how one goes about doing household chores (yay for my mother-in-law on that score :rolleyes: ) and b) being unable to detect when cleaning would be desireable and/or advantageous. He doesn’t object to cleaning (although a certain amount of nagging has to take place as he tends towards the absentminded), but neither is he particularly motivational - and I find I’d rather spend time with him than vaccuum, for example.
Also a lot of my failure to clean issues are time-prioritization issues at the base. It’s generally 8 - 8:30pm by the time I get home from work, change clothes, make dinner for myself and my husband and eat it. At that point, it’s hard to muster up the inclination to clean my house. Saturdays we have a recurring obligation that takes essentially all day. Sundays we tend to random errands. Housecleaning (at the pre-Sweet-Jesus-What-Happened-In-Here levels anyway) falls fairly low on my priority list, I’m afraid. That’s all my own fault, of course. I’m not actually blaming anyone other than myself and my husband for the state of untidiness that rules in our house - it’s just frustrating sometimes is all
The cats are like bonus housecleaning hazards - they destroy toys on a regular basis, knock things over, and one of them has an ongoing learning disability where the frictive properties of the tablecloth are concerned (rather to the detriment of any object left on the table). Also they tend to dig in the trash (apparently at random - the little bastards have been known to have a go at trash containers that contain only clean paper and plastic and nothing even marginally food-like) and can open not only drawers, but doors.
I don’t know how to break this to you, Aangelica, but that’s not a learning disability. Your cat knows perfectly well the tablecloth will slide. That’s what makes that game fun. It’s like skating around in your socks on a hardwood floor. Also, you might look into some baby locks for your drawers and cabinets. Even Miss Break Into The Cabinet Over The Fridge And Eat Anything Present can’t get past them.
WhyNot, will you please e-mail me, or do you mind if I e-mail you? (Or we could play with the PM feature on Bizarro-Dope!)
Aangelica, how do you store your needlework stuff? I admit I’m a slob, and a great amount of that comes from my crafting, which beckons clutter the way a mermaid does sailors. I recently went through and stored all the projects I wanted done in either my knitting basket or a wheeled cart with baskets. (Theoretically, I could purchase more baskets and add them to the cart, but I can’t remember where I bought it.) With all the other projects and supplies stored under my bed, I’m actually finishing things, and then putting them away or displaying them. It’s fantastic.
Just having organization in one part of my life is uplifting. Doesn’t mean I’m going to start flossing my sink, though.
I will never floss my sink. Ever.