A Pit inspired MPSIMS PIT of myself

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I know we’re not supposed to pit ourselves. If this was about anyone else it would be in the Pit. I think it belongs there, but I know it’ll get moved here anyway, by board rules.

This is an offshoot I almost posted to Zsofia’s thread Pitting FLYlady in the pit, but realized at the last moment it’d be too hijacking.

So here:

Y’know what, I just had a good cry reading FLYlady’s website and thought about this, and I’m going to use Zsofia’s words to call myself out on something, because I’ve always thought and said exactly the same thing, so please forgive me. I honestly and truly have no idea if my situation applies to you, and I don’t mean to call you out or to make my words apply to you, it’s just that your words apply to me. This is NOT an accusation or Pit of **Zsofia **in any way whatsoever, please believe me.

Really? Is it because I love myself, or because I’m a fucking codependent enabler of myself?

I love my daughter, so I don’t let her eat crap. I don’t let her eat the crap I eat in the quantity I eat. (I even start threads guilting all over the place because I let her eat a Lean Cuisine, for Christ’s sake!) I don’t let her veg out in front of the television, or spend 10 hours a day on a message board. I love her, so I teach her to clean up after herself, throw her used diapers in the trash and put her dishes in the dishwasher. I love her, so I have tickle fights and chase her so she gets exercise.

So how the hell do I let myself do all those things to myself and still claim that I do it out of self-love? It’s bullshit is what it is. I “indulge” my taste for the Swiss Rolls I have hidden in the pantry because I’m enabling my own eating issues. I “give myself a break” by not working out because I’m lazy. I “take time for me” on the Dope to an extreme because it’s easier to focus on solving the world’s problems than to take a good look and really love myself by solving my own. I live in a fucking craphole of clutter and filth because I’m not worth keeping the house clean for, and I only keep it just clean enough to not have to hear about it from my husband. Not because I love myself, but because I’m enabling shitty behavior in myself.

I’m my own abuser. I forgive myself over and over when I tell myself I really love me and no one understands how wonderful I can be when it’s all over, and then I hit myself again and again. It’s not love. It’s abuse. If another person kept me in this level of unhappiness, I’d leave him. How do I leave myself?

Fuck it. I know you don’t like her touchy feely crap, but I see it as a well needed slap in the face. For me…maybe you don’t need it, Zsofia. But thanks anyway for being my alarm clock.

2

I know where you’re coming from. When I was younger (teens, early 20s) I had major problems in the areas of personal clutter. I hadn’t gained the weight I have now (I still had something called a “metabolism”) but I was an absolutely certifiable pig. The shit on the floor of my bedroom was allowed to pile up almost as high as the bed where I didn’t have to actually set foot. Looking back on it, it was utterly disgusting.

I’ve gotten better, even if I am still lazy. I’ve also put on weight. Not an enormous amount – I’ve got about 40lbs I could easily get rid of before I felt “trim” again. Just the same, the reason I’ve gained all the weight (aside from a lifetime of eating whatever I wanted while my metabolism burned of all off before said metabolism just up and decided to say “fuck it, I’m outta here”) is because I’ve become a compulsive snacker at work. I don’t know why at work specifically, though I’m sure it started as a stress-related thing at my last job, which was an electrified ball of stress in itself. Although my current job is orders of magnitude less stressful, the habit has continued largely because I’ve got a lot more time to sit at my desk and munch. And I enable myself by picking up empty calories – chips, chocolate, crackers, whatever. It’s not like I eat mounds of the stuff, and in my defense I’ve replaced a lot of it with healthier stuff (fruit, mostly), but the habit is still there whatever it is I’m stuffing my face with. What I really need to do is wean myself off of snacking altogether, or at least down to a reasonable level. But I’ll end up trying for a week or two, and then decide “y’know, I really want that bag of hickory sticks. And I don’t have to eat as many. IF I just munch on them slowly they’ll last and I won’t consume so many calories.” I know it’s mostly bullshit, but I convince myself I’ll do it anyway. So, I end up being my own enabler.

I also know it’s going to take a concerted and dedicated effort to stop. And I’m both lazy and weak, so without something fairly significant coming along and giving me that wake-up call, the chance of that coming to pass aren’t precisely zero, but knowing myself as well as I do, it’s vanishingly small. Even typing this, admitting it to myself (as I have done many times before) doesn’t really do much to inspire me to eat less or exercise more. You know, I even have an exercise bike. It hasn’t been used (by me) yet.

Feh.

3

Hey, if you want, the FlyLady will sell you some pens that tell you she’s proud of you… :wink:

Honestly, I was shocked as hell this year when I realized I’d put on 40 pounds after a lifetime of eating whatever I wanted. In my case I think it’s more an issue of short term vs. long term - I really didn’t cultivate the discipline required to take better care of myself because it was one of those long term goal things. I’ve always been an off-and-on gym person (on two months, off ten) because while I know I need to be in better physical condition, and it’s really nice to be able to climb a lot of stairs easier or do more work in the garden, right now I could be sleeping in versus a few months from now I could see some results at the gym. I keep hunting for some activity I actually enjoy doing (right now it’s golf I’m trying) so as to sneak around my fundamental laziness.

Seriously. Good luck with being happier. You deserve a shiny sink. :slight_smile:

4

The trick is to just be lazy in regards to eating.

Like me, approximately 75% of my diet is fast-food or mall food. However, I am extremely lazy, and really don’t cook or shop at home. This means there is never any food in my actual apartment, and I hate to go anywhere if I don’t have to. So sure, I eat junk. But it’s one meal a day, so I stay a nice 160 lb.

5

What a marvellous idea. Eat crap, but don’t eat much of it.

Does that mean I get 1 deep fried mars bar a day? Or 1 half?
Have you read Home Comforts, WhyNot? There’s a pretty good and comprehensive cleaning schedule in it, and not only is her writing good, she writes so glowingly (and unsmarmily) about how good it is to have a clean house that it’s motivational. Okay, some of the motivation is guilt, but mostly I find she makes housework sound… not horrible.

6

A cleaning schedule? Oh great, something else I can feel guilty about not keeping up with…like going to the gym and tidying up some of the crap 'im in doors leaves lying around all over the place…

7

Do you really feel bad about your life or do you only feel bad when you read/hear about how you’re “supposed” to live? Is it only a problem when you watch a tv show or read a magazine on organizing that you notice the clutter? Do you only feel unhealthy/unfit when you read something online about eating well?

I noticed a few years ago that the only time I found myself filled with self loathing was right after reading a women’s magazine. They are filled with “helpful” columns on how to live a better life. Well, that’s nice, but unless you’re perfect, you’re going to feel guilty that you’re not doing all of those things (and you can’t possibly do everything that’s listed in every column in just one month’s issue, let alone a whole year’s worth).

You know what? Fuck them. Take a good long hard look at your life based on what YOU want. What’s important to you? Spending time playing with your kids instead of cleaning a closet? Good! Going out for dinner with your husband instead of making dinner in the latest health craze style? Do it! The only person you have to make happy is you. Don’t measure your life by what someone else says is important. If you want to have a cleaner house or eat healthier for you, then that’s great and you should do it. But if you only feel like you have to do it because someone online or on tv says so, stop listening to them.

I banned all women’s magazines, all lifestyle magazines, and all self-help books from my house a few years ago. And you know what? I’ve prioritized what’s important for me as far as cleaning and exercise and so on, and I’m so much happier and less stressed because I’m not spending all my time measuring myself against some magazine’s idea of the perfect woman. Don’t get me wrong - I still have moments of self doubt because I don’t measure up to my own idea of where I want to be - but I’m a hell of a lot happier than when I was trying to measure myself by someone else’s standard.

Just my $0.02.

8

The real issue I’ve found with Flylady is that after a while you get past the point where the slap in the face and treating you like a pre-schooler is needed, or even all that productive. Then you hit a point where a slap in the face and being talked down to is counterproductive. Thing is, she’s still slapping and talking to you like you’re a recalcitrant child. And so she goes from being a tool in the literal sense to being a tool in the figurative sense.

Well, that, and I’ve never, ever found a clean, shiny anything to give me that amazing sense of accomplishment she promises.

Her particular brand of encouragement can be wonderful for someone who’s in the right emotional place to benefit from it. If you’re in the wrong place, though, it can be devastating. The first time I tried Flylady, I was going through a really bad patch, in every conceivable sense. A whole lot of days, I felt about knee-high to a worm.

So I read the website and figured it couldn’t possibly make things any worse. I was wrong. I couldn’t stay on top of the basic baby steps. Hell, I couldn’t even keep my sink halfway sanitary, much less shiny. There’s no real reason I couldn’t, I just…couldn’t. (In retrospect, I see that was a classic symptom of depression, but it’s one of those things that’s hard to evaluate when you’re in the midst of it.) And the more I read about how easy it was and how everyone in the whole entire world was able to do it, the worse I felt. Before, I’d just felt lazy and undisciplined. After, I felt defective. It was less than helpful, I must say.

9

Good question. I feel bad more or less all the time, except when I can numb it away but not thinking about it, but I definitely feel worse (“devastated”, to use tlsapp76’s term) when I force myself to really admit there’s a problem, and that often happens when someone tries to solve the problem for me by offering advice and tips and telling me she’s been here and got herself out of it. That should be encouraging, but it just makes me realize that if other people can get over it, I can too. So the fact that I haven’t means that I’m falling short - it’s not that people can’t learn to take care of themselves and their surroundings, it’s not that I can’t learn to take care of myself and my apartment, it’s that I won’t. I haven’t. And that leads to all sorts of self-criticism that is not entirely uncalled for. Like when I started this thread. Which I’m now a little embarrassed of and have been avoiding all morning.

It just seems like this is an “epiphany” I have every so often, and for a while I get better and I’m kinder to myself in real ways, not sickening ones, and I keep my house in better order (I did straighten, although not clean, the kitchen this morning), and then it all just falls apart again. I can’t seem to get to that effortless “habit” part of housekeeping (or exercise, or diet) that I hear about. My own personal Holy Grail, I guess.

10

I suspect part of WhyNot’s dismay is that at some point (and I don’t know if she’s gotten there yet) not taking care of herself and her space around her impacts her kids in a counterproductive way. WhyBaby is beginning to reach the age of awareness - at which point its hard to teach your child to pick up after yourself if “but you don’t,” hard to keep their diets healthy when “you eat it, Mamma” I don’t get the feeling that this is because her linen closet isn’t up to Martha Stewarts “folded, pressed, labeled and sorted” standard, but because she has a basket of unfolded laundry in the middle of the family room she’s been stepping over for two days - and now the cat has slept in it and it really should be rewashed, which means its going to stay on the living room floor another two days before she gets around to rewashing it.

A while ago I realized that my dream of having my kitchen redone wasn’t realistic. No matter how much I spend on custom cabinets and Corian counters - my kitchen wasn’t going to look like House Beautiful because we pile crap. And I accepted that about myself and moved on - with my non-House Beautiful kitchen. There is an acceptable mid ground between House Beautiful and garbage house for me - but if I were teetering towards garbage house, I’d need a re-evaluation, especially with kids in the house.

11

I hadn’t seen the original thread, but thank you for posting this WhyNot. My house is a mess and I’ve put on going on 50 pounds for the same reasons. I take care of me first. That is to say, I take care of my own wants first and end up never or rarely taking care of the needs.

I’m almost ashamed to say this, but my suitcase is still lying open on my bedroom floor and is still half full. I got back from my trip December 27th. Good grief! Laundry is still sitting on the couch from saturday. Yes it has been washed, dryed and folded but still is not put away. Why? Because I know it needs done but…I just want to finish reading this. I just want to play this game on the computer a few more minutes. I’ll just relax with a coke and a cigarette for a moment. more excuses…

This has got to stop, it really really does.

12

Effortless? Is that what you’re looking for? Because I don’t think that happens for most people. It gets better when I have good habits, it gets somewhat easier, but it’s never anywhere near effortless, and it is amazingly easy to lose the habits I have gained. (Before I started this homeschooling thing, my house was cleaner and the habits were better and I had a real schedule. Now, a lot has slid, little remains of the schedule, and I just try to keep things at a slightly-above-minimal level of sanitation most of the time, because I just don’t have enough time to do everything, so what am I doing on this board instead of cleaning the kitchen?) Same goes for good diet and exercise–and I enjoy going to the gym. As far as I can tell, it is always going to be something of a struggle to maintain a clean home, a good diet, and a strong body while also raising and educating my children, running the family life, and all that other stuff. That’s a pretty tall order, actually.

However, thank you for an OP in which I recognized some of myself. I’m going to try, again, to cut down on the junk food and remind myself that I would never let my kids eat what I have been eating. Christmas, and all the goodies that went with it, was really bad this year in that sense.

13

WhyNot, you are probably one of my favorite posters on this board, and I’m very, very sorry that you feel that way. I don’t really have anything else to add, since I’m a slob myself and only have me to pick up after, but nothing but hugs for you.

14

Um…yeah?

That’s what “They” tell me it should be: 10 Easy steps to a cleaner home/healthier you/new you/new life. Develop a routine to make it easy. Make it a habit and it’s easy. Don’t diet, learn new eating habits and it’s easy. Exercise 30 minutes a day and the weight falls off effortlessly. Effortlessly clear your clutter with these helpful hints. Simplify Your Life.

I’m getting that sinking feeling of truth that I’ve been had, just like I was had back when Oprah/Martha/The Donald/Mrs. Fields told me to Find What I Love and Find a Way To Make Money At It and I’d join the ranks of the wealthy back in the '80’s.

But you are literally the first person to suggest that it never gets easy. There’s a lot of comfort in that, perversely.

15

I absolutely agree with dangermom. I have, slowly and painfully, managed to cultivate a few decent housekeeping habits. I still hate cleaning, and if I slack off on my theoretical schedule, my home gets really dirty really fast.

Which reminds me that I haven’t mopped in a month.

The people who tell you that cultivating and keeping new housekeeping/personality shaping/dieting/fix-your-marriage habits is (are? is? Big debate with myself.) easy are lying. It’s not. It’s just, slowly, getting into the habit of saying, “Ah, it’s Tuesday. That means I grocery shop!”, or “Look, it’s Thursday. On Thursday I sweep. Whether or not I want to do it.”

Try Flylady, or any of the other organizational books or websites to get you started. I do strongly recommend just picking something, and working at it with a timer set for five or ten or fifteen mintues. It makes the chore less detestable.

Now, in the spirit of this thread, I’m going to finish my grocery list, and maybe throw out some of the useless crap in my pantry. I’m hoping the dishes will put themselves away.

16

I’ll fully agree: The idea that cultivating good habits makes the work easy is pure, unabashed marketing. Would you really buy the magazine with the article that offers “10 habits you need to learn but will still hate?” Naturally not. “10 easy steps to effortless housekeeping” is much better for circulation.

Now, I’m far from perfect and have a hell of a long way to go – not that I ever expect to get there – but there’s one thing that took me way too long to realize: Maintenance is easier than repair. In other words, the effort required to keep clean that which has already been cleaned is less than the effort required to clean it in the first place. What helps me remember this is to remind myself of what an epic pain in the ass a top-to-bottom cleaning was and use that prospect of greater pain as leverage against the lesser pain of keeping it clean so I don’t have to do another deep clean again. This doesn’t do much to help the silverware that’s still sitting in my sink waiting to be cleaned, or the new deep fryer that I need to disassemble and clean again so that the oil doesn’t turn into varnish like it did on our last deep fryer, or yesterday’s work clothes that are still on the bedroom floor. But these are relatively minor tasks that I have a bad habit of putting off exactly because they’re minor and “I can do them later” – later being code for “someday.” Heck, I really need to organize my desk at work – I’ve got papers and books stacked randomly and in no particular order. I really should get to it very, very soon, because once it’s organized and done, it’s out of the way and keeping it that way will be much easier, but … meh!

It’a amazing how much effort it take to motivate oneself sometimes, even to do things that may only take ten or fifteen minutes. That seems to be the hardest part: Getting the gumption to actually get up and start.

17

See, I’m feeling WhyNot’s pain here.

I’m fat (although, frankly, that bothers me less and less every day - it doesn’t bother my husband in the slightest, I’m not all wheezy getting up and down stairs, my blood pressure and cholesterol are well within normal parameters (the BP for the first time in years), and I have clothes that fit and look reasonable).

There’s been a mysterious aroma in my kitchen for a freaking month and I can’t quite seem to track down its source. I’m starting to suspect the dim netherparts of the fridge or possible an interdimensional hole.

I still haven’t unpacked from either of the two trips we went on in the last month. (One to Arizona and one to Montana so a totally different set of clothes/luggage/peripherals each time! Rawr!)

Half the lightbulbs in my house are burnt out.

I haven’t vacuumed since approximately Halloween.

I haven’t done the recycling in longer than that.

My fridge hasn’t been cleaned out in damn near a year.

Martha Stewart (and my mother) would be horrified.

Shit, now I’ve managed to work myself into a full-scale industrial housecleaning this evening. My husband is going to hate you guys.

18

I’m trying to ignore Flylady’s smarminess and pick and choose the few gems of wisdom that I can glean from her. Like the 15 minute timer thing mindfield mentioned. And the habit of hitting the clutter hotspots as often as you can manage. And I really liked the one about making up a computer grocery list so that all you have to do is check off the items you need.

I am definitely not a neat-freak (the pile of clothes on my cedar chest would tell you that, but I’ve been making progress in keeping at least the shared rooms of my house cleaned up. I’ve also gotten into a healthier eating habit just by putting in the effort of making sure I have the healthier foods in the house to cook with. And it’s almost non-negotiable–on M, W, F, I go to the gym. Like it or not.

It isn’t easy. It’s friggin’ hard work. The only way to do it is to DO IT. But you have to decide how important it is to you and what standard you require of yourself. Your standards (and those of your family) are the only ones that matter.

19

That was LiLi’s timer. I could work that way, and in fact would probably find that counterproductive for two reasons:

  1. I’d have the urge to become a clock-watcher, and

  2. Once I actually find the will to actually get up off my ass and start a chore, I find both that the momentum, once attained, isn’t as hard to maintain as it was to achieve, and that once I’m fully committed to it and have the rhythm going, I find that the time passes more quickly and much less noticeably so long as my focus is on the task and not how distasteful it is. A timer would only draw attention to it, rather than away from it. YMMV of course, this is just how it works for me.

Mind you, eating healthier has been rather easier for me to attain than other things in my life. This may be because there do happen to be lots of healthy things that I actually like, so substituting them for the crap I used to stuff my face wasn’t as hard as I thought. Weak as I am I have a tendency to cave in once in a while, but for the most part the ratio has of good:crap has definitely flipped to the good side. I think I’ve reached a comfortable limit at the moment – that point at which the easiness of replacing bad with good food has arrived at an impasse because you’ve run out of good things to replace bad things with and it now requires conscious effort to push it any further, either through eliminating some thing cold turkey without replacing them with good things, or by exercising more. Both of these become chores pretty quickly.

20

Make that “couldn’t work that way.” Bloody keyboard gremlins.