You, kid. Stop shrieking like your being murdered while my son is trying to nap.
You, other kid. I really appreciate you spraying the hose my way while I sat on the front steps reading. Books really don’t like water and you’ve soaked the grass enough for it to be watered 3 times over. Cut it out, you aren’t even having a water fight or running through the sprinkler which I could understand.
“Why?” does not mean “no” or “you’re wrong,” you paranoid, hyper-defensive freak…it means “I don’t understand, give me more information.” In other words, it just means “why!”
Hey, you with the small tank that you call a car! When you’re in the left lane at the stoplight and you pull halfway into the intersection, I can’t see around you when I’m trying to make a right turn! You can’t go anywhere until the light changes, but I can – so stop blocking my goddamn view!
You know, just because we have a couple of credit cards doesn’t mean we want 5 billion more of them! Jebus, Citibank! If you stopped sending me and everybody else applications for new cards every other day, you could lower your interest rates! Think of the money saved in postage. Think of the medical expenses not incurred by overloaded postal workers. Won’t somebody think of the children?
Stop it, goddamn voices in my head! Or if you won’t stop, for fuck sake stop speaking in Potuguese! You know I don’t understand Portuguese!
Subset: if you have kids who don’t understand the spoken language of a movie and cannot read the subtitles, DON’T FUCKING TAKE THEM! Do NOT sit there translating, out loud, every spoken word to your child who should be watching something he can understand.
If you’re so insufferably snotty as to find regionalisms from areas other than your own not annoying, but ACTUALLY OFFENSIVE - to act as though people who were brought up using a different, but perfectly good, word are both stupid and purposefully insulting your own regionalisms by using a different one - and you go about telling people that if they use a different regionalism than you, you knock 10 points off their IQ in your estimation of them, then you’re an asshole.
It’s ‘Americans’, you fucking retarded son of a dockyard whore. Not ‘USAers’ or ‘USers’. If you are from one of the Commonwealth nations, you can get away with ‘Murkin’ or ‘Yankee’, but you aren’t, so you can’t.
I know you probably love cats, and I can tolerate them, but please make them stop killing all the poor little innocent birds outside MY APARTMENT and leaving grisly little trophies for me to find! Eew!
Also, neuter your tom, please, he climbs the fucking tree outside my balcony at 2 AM and YOWLS. Also he fights with all the other, peaceful cats, especially the very nice ones my downstairs neighbor has.
Don’t patronize me! I may only be 28 but that’s not really young, is it? And I am most likely as mature as you, if not more.
No, I’m not going to click on your popup ad. No, I’m not going to click on your banner ad, no matter how bandwidth-hogging it is or how much time your stupid flash animations take to download on my dialup connection. That counts against you, actually. No, I’m not going to read your spam.
“Okay” has a perfectly valid definition. You even know what it is. So, if you tell me to do something and I say “Okay,” it means the same thing as “Yes, I heard and understand what you said and I will take care of it as soon as possible, however, I’m not going to take the time to say all that because it isn’t really fucking necessary, OKAY?”
Oooh, ooh, ooh!! Can this one get it’s own thread? Please? Please?
Think ahead, you stupid whore. If you weren’t constantly pouting about your semi-unrequited love affair with a man who is NOT your husband, you’d be able to do your job.
Stop causing me excruciating pain every time I move the wrong direction. (my spine, the little bastard).
For the love of God, look in the same direction that you’re walking. When dogs do it, it’s cute. When you do it, bumping into everyone and his sister, it’s just obnoxious and annoying. And if you, for some unfathomable reason, must look at something at a ninety degree angle to your direction of travel, and this does cause you to push, shove, cut off, or otherwise inconvenience another pedestrian, at least acknowledge the event with a “sorry” or something. Don’t just steamroll ahead through the crowd, utterly oblivious of the fact that there is anyone else in the world.
God damned fuckin’ rodeo clowns, man. :mad:
Do you have a labrador retriever? I’ve noticed that breed seems to have erudite taste. My dad’s lab ate a volume of his OED when she was a pup. Oh, and how proud she was.
Amen to that. (I’d have snipped it, but it’s one long sentence. I didn’t know where to snip. 
)
To the BrideZilla MegaBitch in front of me at the Post Office who couldn’t choose which Love stamp to get: Do you really think anyone even looks at the stamp on the wedding invitation? Just pick one, you indecisive moron! No one will care if it’s the Pop Art Love stamp or the Candy Hearts Love stamp or the Flower Love stamp. Here’s a newsflash for ya: Most people throw away that outer envelope anyway! And when the clerk suggested getting a few sheets of each design and mixing it up a little, she was trying to be helpful. When you snidely commented that that wouldn’t help, because you wouldn’t be able to decide which stamp to put on each person’s invitation, it made you look like a complete idiot.
If you’re that indecisive about frigging stamps, how in earth did you ever plan a whole wedding? Just pick a stamp and get out of the way!
No. No! I don’t want a Fanta. Shut up, devil women.
Devil women!
Hurry up and finish the goddamn book already. If you weren’t such a good author, I’d say far meaner things about you!
(many of you know who I’m talking about… his name rhymes with porge par par partin)
When traffic is heavy and all the cars cannot go forward on the green, those of us who do not block the intersection are NOT giving the twits on our right the go-ahead to Turn-Right-on-Red. Grrrrrr!
Hey you! When you see a woman crossing the street with a baby carriage – STOP! Do not pull half way into the intersection, do not merely slow down, and don’t even think of honking your horn at me. I am crossing the road with my baby and that is more important than your ability to get to the 7-11 a micro second faster.
Sweetie pie I love you but could please start sleeping through the night already. You’re a year and half old. Other babies have been sleeping throught the night since they were three months old. It’s time you did too.
Dad, get over it. Las Vegas sucks. The entire town is one big ugly mirage built on sand and people too stupid to understand basic math. How on Earth can you live in a place where it’s 100 friggin degrees in the shade in May? Furthermore just because you retired there doesn’t mean I’m a selfish bitch because I’d rather visit hell than spend another week of my life bored to death in your condo. Why didn’t you retire to Miami like the rest of the world’s old men? At least in Miami you can go swimming in January.
Hey brother of mine. The only way you’ll be well on your way to becoming a millionaire in this lifetime “Mr. Minimum Wage” is if you sleep with some old lady and she leaves you all her money in her will or you win the lottery. Since you haven’t found anyone to sleep with I’d try the lottery. It’s a tax on dumb people so it ought to be perfect for you until you finally grow a brain.
Go back to school, find a decent paying job and stop wasting time listening to Infomercials for Idiots.
Seriously, don’t you ever get tired of the scenery in Delusion Land?
Pizza Delivery Boy is fine when you’re twenty but when you’re about to be thirty it sucks eggs.
Cat, the carpeting is for sleeping, eating and purring. The litter box is for pooping. If you can’t tell the difference between the two you’re going to continue living in the basement for the rest of your life.