A poll about funerals.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I had a friend in high school. We’ll call him Steve because, well, that was his name. Anyway, I haven’t seen this guy in, like, 5 years. Sadly, last Saturday, Steve went to sleep and never woke up. It’s unfortunate, especially considering his age (early 20s) and the fact that his mother’s the one that found him. :eek:

A girl who I rarely speak to calls me up to give me the news, as well as memorial/funeral details. She informs me that “everyone” is going to be there and that I just have to go. Thing is, I don’t want to. In fact, I’ve made no plans to attend this little shindig, for a few reasons:

A) I haven’t seen this guy in probably over 5 years. I don’t even know him anymore. Yeah, so we were friends before, but that was a lifetime ago. Sure, it’s sad that he’s dead, but I’m not mourning and I feel no need for “closure”.

B) I didn’t graduate with any of these people because I transfered in 8th grade so if, as I suspect, this is a morbid excuse for a reunion of some kind… I’m just not down with that. Way too disrespectful for my tastes.

C) I honestly hate people who go to funerals just so they can say they went to a funeral. It happens all the time. And then they pretend like they were so close with the deceased or, in the case of one seriously jacked up wench, they pretend that the deceased was mad at them for <insert unbelieveably retarded thing here> and, god, now they’re dead and I can never apologize! Woe is me!! FEEL BAD FOR ME!! Ugh, I hate that.

So anyway, yeah, I’m not going.

Question: Aside from the obvious immediate family funerals, which other (if any) funerals do you feel obligated to attend? Would you attend in the situation illustrated above?

As an aside, would I be a totally uncaring, horrible flaming bitch if I asked what happened to him once the autopsy results are in? They suspect he mixed drugs and alcohol, but I don’t know if that’s based on his age or an actual tox screen. And I’m curious. (I know, it sounds terrible. :frowning: )

2

My opinion? If you don’t want to go, don’t go. You don’t owe it to anyone (especially some random girl you’ve rarely spoken to), to attend a function, any function, unless you actually want to be there.

It might be ok to ask about the autopsey results, but not right now. Wait a little bit, say 6 months, before you start asking. If you happen to find out earlier, fair enough. If not, it’s not like you’re gonna lose much sleep over it anyway.

3

I’ve attended the services of co-workers, co-workers children, friends, friends of family, relatives of my children, and, of course, family.

I felt the need to attend those services, to show respect to the deceased, and to those they left behind.

If you don’t feel the need to attend, then you don’t have to.

You say you were friends at one time, to some, that might be reason enough to attend, if it’s not for you, then it’s not for you.

As for point B - I don’t know if I understand the point you’re trying to make, but I think a funeral is a reunion of sorts. It is a way for people that knew the person to share stories and experiences and memories.

And for point C, I’ve never heard of such a thing. It’s beyond my comprehension to comment on it.

Personally, in the above situation as you described your feelings, I probably would not attend.

4

I should have been clearer with point C) in my OP. This type of behavior usually happens at the funerals of younger people. It happened at the funeral of my best friend, who was 17 at the time of her death and suddenly had 10,000 “best friends”. This also happens to be the funeral that the “seriously jacked up wench” (mentioned in the OP) showed up to. At another funeral of a friend who’d committed suicide, some of the same things happened. Maybe it has to do with the deceased’s (as well as her peers) age, or maybe we’re just different over here. I dunno.

Someone in chat related a story to me about a friend of his from high school, what he called an “outcast”, who suddenly died. All of the kids who’d been picking on him all those days before were now horribly, tragically saddened by his death. I know we’re all out of high school now but, from what I know about these people, I can’t see them above this type of behavior.

What I meant by “morbid excuse for a reunion of some kind”: Steve wasn’t what I’d specifically call an “outcast”, but he certainly wasn’t the most popular guy in school. And from what this chick told me, “everyone” is going to be there. Well, not everyone liked Steve all that much so many years ago, so I have to wonder why they’re all coming out now. This is what I mean by people attending funerals just so they can say they did. It’s something that happens all the time, I’m sure of it, and I just can’t understand that. I have no doubt that I would be seriously uncomfortable there.

5

It’s important to remember that funurals are for the living, not the corpse. It doesn’t really matter if you need to mourn the dead guy or not - if you want to be there to support his closer friends (some of whom I assume are also your friends) then go. If you don’t, then don’t.

6

If it would make you really uncomfortable, don’t go.

I will point out, however, that it would be an extension of kindness (a mitzvah for Jews, a corporal work of mercy for Catholics) to the parent(s) and family if you showed up. At a time of nearly unbearable loss, the simple presence of friends or acquaintances is a true comfort. No one counts noses at a funeral, but simply having a goodly number of people show up to pay their respects indicates that their loss is shared. (OK. You don’t feel the same sense of loss that they do and you may not even feel much loss, at all. So? What’s it going to hurt for you to extend a bit of comfort?)

I repeat: if this will make you uncomfortable, do not go. (If you do go, you are under no obligation to stand around making hypocritical sounds of grief with people whom you do not like or with whom you have no shared experiences. Simply offer your condolences to the family and depart.) If you think his family could use some comfort, go.

7

I probably have a different view to others here because this is one of my pet peeves. People who show up to funerals out of respect who were not at all close to the deceased, annoy me greatly. This happened at my mother’s funeral and it made me quite upset and angry. Relatives I never knew existed turned up along with people who knew my mother back at university for goodness sake. Maybe I’m missing something here, but really if they couldn’t be bothered with her in all those years, why turn up to her funeral.

I totally agree with you not wanting to go, and I know exactly what you mean in c). When somebody dies all of a sudden everyone was their best friend and there seems to be some type of competition as to who was closest to the deceased. This does seem to be more prevalent among younger people. Then there is this thing about a person’s worth being determined by how many people turn up to the funeral. This is just ridiculous for the very reason that the number of people who turn up is not a reflection of how popular or good the person was in life. I do believe most people who turn up at funerals go to be seen to be there, not because they genuinely mourn the deceased.

I certainly wouldn’t want anyone at my funeral who I hadn’t been close to in life, this is how I determine whether or not I will attend a funeral.

8

I think people have an overdramatic view of death, as a rule.

No way would I go to a funeral for the relationship you described. My bar for “go to the funeral” is WAY higher than that.

9

Go to the funeral. Go to give his mom the support she needs right now, the need to look up and see people who once cared about a son who has probably been a big burden to her lately, especially in light of how you think he died. I do not think it is hypocritical to go to the funeral of someone you haven’t seen in years…you go to honor the time when you knew him, not to honor how much time you spent together in the last year.

The grief you say you are not feeling right now may crystallize once you are actually there, and you will mourn with others, not alone. And you will learn how he died, because that’s what people talk about at funerals and wakes. Go so that you will begin to treasure relationships, and perhaps be less inclined to let another one slip away. Go because you at one time cared about him.

I once attended the funeral of a friend who had not voluntarily spoken to me in years, though she was cordial when the group of us got together. The devastation I felt at her untimely passing was doubled by the grief of not having been brave enough to resolve our differences. After experiencing that pain, I have tried to change, and not let things go unsaid and unresolved. I was so heartened to see the hundreds of people who came to pay their respects, and learned so much about her life in those last years, that I felt a little less cut off from her.

And at the funeral of a cousin I neither knew well or liked, I learned so much about him. Who would have expected the crowds of weeping women mourning a man who had never had a relationship in his life? Who knew what a great friend he was to another cousin’s children? These are the things you learn at funerals. So go.

10

That chick sounds to me like she is just a lousy salesperson.

If she convinces “everybody” that “everybody” will be there, and therefore they “must” go, then “everybody” will really be there.

Transparent as glass to me, but then, my grandpa is a natural salesman and a bloody snake, so we learned at a young age how to dissect anything he said.

I’ve never felt “obliged” to go to a funeral. My family’s funerals are nice, usually. Both sides are very long-lived, so it’s expected deaths and you get to see all these cousins who say things like “ohmygod, last time we saw you you were <this> big!” (marking horizontally) and you reply with “well, I started kindergarten about three years after that, went to school, and now I’m an engineer.”

If I feel like accompanying the family/girlfriend/best friend, I do; if I feel like going to the church, I do; and if I don’t feel like either, I don’t. And I appreciated much more the people who came to see Dad while he was sick than the ones who cried at church but had not seen him in three years. The ones who stopped us on the street during his illness/right after his death and asked how were we holding up get extra gold stars over the ones who only asked about him.

11

I am sure there are people who go to be seen and I am sure that a few families have some sort of mental popularity contest based on the number of people who show up.* However, the support that the immediate family gets from having people “show their respect” generally outweighs those negatives.
Does a person who loves dancing refuse to dance because other dancers do it to show off? Would you refrain from offering to help a frail person climb steps or refuse to pick up and return a package someone dropped because someone else might do it to show off? I do not let the vanity or murky motives of other people determine my actions.

Again, if attending the wake or funeral will make one uncomfortable, one need not do it. However, letting the thought that someone else might do the same thing for the wrong reason is hardly a sufficient reason to refrain from doing a good thing.

  • My Dad had a huge funeral; my Mom will have a tiny one. Dad died at 60; Mom, at 88, has outlived most of her friends and we recently had to move her out of her house and across the country. We took a lot of comfort from the number of people who came to send Dad off, but we are not going to think Mom was unloved because her wake will be smaller. As to the people who don’t come by until the funera: few of us live in the same small towns in which we grew up. There is a lot of effort needed to maintain constant contact with distant people over time. When I run into an old friend I have not seen in a while, I do not engae in recriminations over which of us dropped lost touch, I simply rejoice in meeting them again. Funerals are motivating events to spur us to re-establish contact. I see no reason to be upset with people who, hving lost contact, make the effort to make a connection again–even if it is simply to console the surviving family and friends.
12

That was me. Well, you already knew that, but I’m saying that for the benefit of everyone else.

In my situation, Burl, the guy that died (murdered, actually), was an outcast, much like myself, and had even been suspended for three months the year before for making insensitive comments about Columbine. At the time, he was the talk of the school for his behaviour and for the rest of the year, was mocked by various people for it.

The next year, our senior year, he was allowed back in school and in our second semester, was killed during a robbery at work. The next day, after the news broke, EVERYONE was so upset and mourning and generally being fake jackasses that I literally got nauseous (and am now, relating the story). Then a week later, at the funeral, the home was so packed that the entire back wall and a good portion of both side walls were blocked off by people.

Everyone pretty much was there, just like they will be at your friend’s funeral, and it was treated as some sort of social event. I tried to put it behind me and get over it but obviously, I’ve not. Five years later and it still gnaws at me.

You don’t owe the guy anything. Don’t go if you don’t want… especially since you feel much the same way as I do. It’s rude, crass, and wholly disrespectful to the family of the deceased to treat the funeral as a party unless it’s a part of their culture and they’re the ones throwing it.

13

I’ll only cut work for a family funeral or very close friend. I will, however, do the drop by, sign the book and offer condolences to the family during the visitation hours of a funeral for a casual acquaintance.

The single most horrid reunion type experience I’ve had happened when a former schoolmate’s child was killed in a car accident locally. The wreck was pretty bad and we were all riveted to the TV because it was just a coupla miles away, when I heard it was my old friend Don’s kid that got killed I felt awful and decided to go pay my respects. Not so much because of the friendship Don and I once had, although that was part of it, but more so because the deceased child was the same age as mine and the randomness of the accident just struck me so hard.
I show up with another high school friend I still hang with and Don was very pleased to see us, but instead of any sympathy-type talk we immediately got caught up in the ‘what have you been doing lately/have you seen so-and-so’ stuff instead. More people from school kept showing up and it turned into a regular ol party that felt surreally inappropriate. I chalked it up to Don being sort of in shock about his loss, way easier to deal with seeing old friends than think about why you’re seeing them, but it was weird.

I say don’t go, and if there’s any good dirt on the autopsy you’ll likely not need to ask, the grapevine will deliver it anyway.

14

I’d like to second tomndebb’s point. Go, because it will be a great comfort to Steve’s family. I know, because I’ve been there.

Go, because that’s what grownups do. You do things sometimes because you should, even when you don’t want to.

Don’t worry about the motivations of teenagers. They are beyond understanding. And you’re not a teenager anymore, anyway.

15

Actually, you make a good point, tomndebb. I think my main issue with this whole thing is I just don’t want to get dragged into all the drama and nonsense, and the general icky stuff I’m sure is going to run rampant there. The people in Aesiron’s example, as well as in my previous posts, are the same type of people who are going to be there, and I can’t stand it. I cared about him once though, so I need to go, if only to pay my respects and offer my shoulder to his mom. I think I’d probably regret not going eventually anyway.

I’ll just have to be sure to wear my grown-up hat that day, and steer clear of the people who didn’t give a shit about him and really have no business being there. I think maybe I’ll just pop in a little early so I can leave before the “in crowd” shows up. :rolleyes:

Thanks for the posts, guys. Thanks.

16

I seem to have come a little late to this thread, but feel compelled to throw my $0.02 in anyway: I don’t agree with those who say you should go for any particular reason (respect, support the family, etc.). If you don’t feel compelled to pay your respects, or you just plain don’t want to go, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t think I’d want anyone at my funeral who was only there because they “had” to be, or because someone guilted them into it. At the same time, I agree with those who say that if you do want to go, you should do so without worrying about how it will look. If someone were to judge me for my attendance at, or avoidance of, any given viewing/funeral, I don’t think I’d have much respect for their opinion.

I faced a similar situation/decision just last week, when I found out that someone I’d been very close to in high school (and kept in touch with during most of college) had died due to complications from surgery. He was 31 years old. We had not seen or talked to each other in more than ten years, though he was someone that I always assumed I would be in touch with again someday.

I knew immediately that I would not attend his funeral. I am much more willing to attend viewings than funerals for people that I’m not currently close to, especially if I don’t know the deceased’s family or friends (I’d met his parents once or twice while in high school, and they’d probably recognize my name, but that’s about it). I tend to think of funerals as being for those close to the deceased, while viewings are more “pay your respects” kind of things.

Attending the viewing would have required time off work and a 3-hour round-trip drive, but at first I had every intention of going. After the initial shock of learning about his death wore off, though, I realized that the cons outweighed the pros, and I did not see the point in attending (either for myself or for his family/friends). A week later I still wonder if I made the right decision, but it doesn’t keep me up nights or anything: I don’t think my presence would have had much impact either way. I can’t mourn the person he was when he died, because I didn’t know that guy…I can only mourn the friend I had in high school and college. I have pictures and recordings to remember him by, and that’s good enough for me.

What’s funny is that if it had been my friend’s parent, sibling, etc. who had died, there would have been no question about my attendance at the viewing: I believe it would have helped my friend to see me, out of the blue after 10 years or not.

Luckily, I have not been faced with many viewings/funerals where I wasn’t sure whether to attend: most have been easy calls, one way or the other. And in most cases I attend the former but not the latter, again unless I was close the deceased or very close to one of the deceased’s loved ones (e.g., attending both the viewing and funeral for a current friend’s parent is a no-brainer).

Follow your heart/gut in such situations, and you’ll be ok. :slight_smile:

17

I flew to Tennessee to attend my grandmother’s funeral. But that was only to be supportive of my mother.

If you are close to someone who’s going to this funeral, maybe it would be a good idea to attend. For that person, not so much the deceased. That’s pretty much the only reason I would attend a funeral anyhow, to be supportive of friends and family. The ritual itself does absolutely nothing for me.

18

I think funerals are more about supporting family and friends then the deceased. I recently went to the furneral of a old lady who had been very close friends of my grandmother. I dont recall ever meeting the woman (apparently I did as a kid) but my mother knew her well and knew how important she was to my grandmother. I attended the furneral so my mum wasn’t alone.

Because this was a very elderly lady there was much "my goodness last time I saw you you were …(5 years old, much shorter etc etc ). It was a sweet occasion with many elderly people seeing people they hadn’t seen for years.

Mum knew about the funeral from the death notice in the paper. It was worded in such a way that it was obvious that the family were looking forward to celebrating this ladies life. The “after match function” was cups of tea, catching up and lots of old dears speaking fondly about the old dear.

When my husband died (suicide) I threw a gigantic hissy fit and basicly instructed my family to say no one was welcome at the funeral. The death notice did not contain where or when the funeral was. Some people risked my wrath and came, I respected their decisions and appreciated the support. Many stayed away because that is what I said I wanted…I appreciated and respected that too.

All this is a long way of saying, that to me you go by the tone of the family. Often if someone young dies many people really want to go and the family need to see that support. The same if someone is very elderly. But if you feel you are going only because you think you should or if the family does not make it obvious that feel the need for the support (and the way the death notice is worded is a strong clue) then stay away. Send a card instead.

At the end of the day the dead person is dead. You need to support their family and friends. If you are not attending to do that then don’t go.

19

On preview, what spooje said, much more simply.

20

I didn’t make it. I’m plagued by insomnia and I wound up staying up until 6am and sleeping until about 4:30pm.

I did call his mother at home to offer her and her family my condolences. It was pretty awkward because I think phone calls are pretty impersonal in situations like these, but eventually the conversation turned away from Steve and we got into what we’d been up to lately. She’d heard I had a baby and made me promise to bring him up someday.

Thanks again for all your advice and stuff.