A Random Drug Test Tale, or A Worker Loses His Gruntle

The BBQ Pit
1

This morning my supervisor came into my office and told me I had been selected for a random drug test. I work a behind-the-scenes desk job in the private sector, and don’t drive company vehicles. All my performance reviews have been satisfactory or better.

After lunch, I travelled up to the seventh floor where a group of HR drones were milling about outside the bathrooms they had closed for the testing. “Hi, are you neuroman? Sign this, sign that, initial this, now piss in this little plastic cup.”

I walked into the bathroom, let it fly, and filled up the vial. Then I had to walk back outside to the hallway and wait in a line for several minutes while holding a cup of warm squirt so I can hand it over to company representatives. These representatives are eager to get their hands on my urine so it can be sent off and analyzed to make sure that I’m only putting legal poisons in my body during my hours outside of work.

I neared the front of the line. My thoughts were black. Why was I here? If I had been in a cartoon, there would have been a big, ugly thundercloud right over my head.

Two smiling young ladies manned the waste collection station that lay at the end of the queue. The gentleman in front of me handed them his tepid yellow excretion, and as he did so he cheerily said “thank you!” “Thank you for what?” I thought. For treating you like a criminal? For having your privacy invaded and being put under a microscope for no good reason?

I had to take a test before I started working here, but that didn’t bother me as much as this did. Before I was hired, they didn’t know me. Now they do. I have been here a year and a half, doing my job and getting my work done. (Yes, I have occasionally slacked at times, but whenever something needed to be done, I did it.) Today my company displayed how much trust they have in me.

Fuck this place, and fuck the authoritarian troglodytes who run it. My job search begins tonight.

2

I agree that random drug tests are a bit much considering you do you job well, what fucking difference does it make to them what you get up to in your free time just as long as you do your job? I think the key to remember here is that it is a random test and as such has nothing to do with you personally (I hope). This is just another example of the corporations making there workers feel like some sort of drone/automaton who is there soley to do their bidding…or maybe I’m just being paranoid.

3

So, you’re going to fail, in other words? (Pick your smilie! If you think I was being an asshole, pick this one: :rolleyes: ! If you think it was a wee little joke, pick this one: :smiley: ! Just giving the power to the people.)

4

I was subjected to a random drug test the other week. Failed miserably. I couldn’t identify any of them.

Sorry, I’ll go away now.

5

Good for you. If more people refused to work for companies that treat them like that, they might actually think about those policies every now and then.

I had random tests at my last job. I did my job better than anyone else in the region and was constantly being specifically requested by customers and offered jobs by the competition. When they hit me with a test I refused, and guess what they did------nothing. It was great. They did say they would fire me instantly if I told any of the other employees about it, though.

After I quit working there I made it a point to tell them all about it.

6

They were thanking you for handing them a big steaming cup of your piss–probably the only time in your life that will happen. Unless you run in…certain circles…

“Here you go, Ms. Tester Woman! Here’s a whole bunch of my piss! You can put it with all of the other piss that it’s your job to collect. Think about that for a minute. When you were a kid, did you say ‘Mommy, I want to grow up and work with piss. I want to collect piss. Every day when I wake up and go to work, I want to be surrounded by piss. I want to drive around in a van with dozens and dozens of little vials of piss, pissed out by pissed off people.’ You don’t have to tell me–I can see it in your face. You’re in it for all the piss, aren’t you? It’s all about the piss for you. And you know, I admire you for that. So many people are just in it for the money. But not you! There’s a certain…purity in that.”

7

vibro–the guy in front of neuroman is one who said “Thank you.”

Maybe it was a weird reference to those commercials where somebody says “Thank you!” to get out of a really awkward situation?

Neuroman, I hope you haven’t been having any random poppy seed muffins lately…

8

Sooo, you’re pissed because they didn’t tell you about the random testing policy before you agreed to work there, right? Because if you knew about the policy before taking the job and thought the policy was fine and dandy as long as it wasn’t your name out of the hat, you don’t have any room at all to bitch. In that case, you would just be a hypocrite.

9

Just do what I do.

Pee in the cup, then “accidentally” drop it on the floor before you get the cap on all the way.

They stopped calling me years ago.

10

I pay insurance claims all day. It’d be very easy to add myself as a claimant to ANY claim and write a check. For small & inconspicuous amounts. Every now and then. In order to support my addiction. I don’t. My company doesn’t test us. there’s no union to prevent the tests on my behalf.

Different philosophies about employee/employer relationships I guess.

11

Oh, bullshit.

12

Whaddaya mean, bullshit? He was apparently perfectly content to work there yesterday, with this evil, intrusive policy in place. If it’s a perfectly fine policy when applied to everyone else, but so hideously unfair that he’s quitting when it’s applied to him, he’s a hypocrite. If you’re against random drug testing, you should be against it for everybody, not just yourself.

13

How does that make him a hypocrite? Do you even know what the word means?

14

My sister worked at Walmart for a while and had to take drug tests. Walmart!!! They should hand you a joint at the door. [sub]If it was legal[/sub] That said I used to work for an Aerospace firm that did random testing. Of course that was just for the drones who did the real work. Us guys in the fornt office making the big bucks were immune. I always felt a little funny about that.

15

Did they tell you that a random drug test policy was in place BEFORE you accepted the job? If so, you got nothing here. Suck it up and get over yourself.

They know your work, but not you. You might be the best damned employee they ever had, but you might go home and burn through a pound of crack. They want to make sure what you do doesn’t affect your work. You know, the work they pay you to do.

Good luck finding an employer who doesn’t do this these days.

Oh yeah, :rolleyes:.

16

I can’t see how neuroman is being a hypocrite. You have to make a number of assmuptions about his motives to make that claim.

I do agree that if the policy was in place when he took the job and if that policy was explained to him, there isn’t a lot of room to bitch. I think that random drug testing of employees is bullshit. I’d either not take the job or, if the job was so spectacular that I couldn’t refuse, grit my teeth and pee in the cup.

Haj

17

I can’t see how neuroman is being a hypocrite. You have to make a number of assmuptions about his motives to make that claim.

I do agree that if the policy was in place when he took the job and if that policy was explained to him, there isn’t a lot of room to bitch. I think that random drug testing of employees is bullshit. I’d either not take the job or, if the job was so spectacular that I couldn’t refuse, grit my teeth and pee in the cup.

Haj

18

I imagine he is against random drug testing for everyone, and I imagine he took the job because he needed the income, and I imagine he didn’t give it much thought until they forced him to piss in a cup and hand it over to them.

I don’t see the hypocrisy you are referring to.

19

I find the argument that ‘if you knew about the policy then you can’t bitch’ to be a load of bollocks. He can bitch about what he damn well pleases if you ask me, the fact that he is looking for another job means that he disagrees with the policy and is taking action to find a job with less draconian rules. How many of us would take a job regardless of policy just to have a job? It doesn’t mean you agree with it, more that you just want a job and will put up with their bullshit until you decide you have had enough.

20

Wait, if he’s “the best damned employee they ever had”, wouldn’t that mean that the pound of crack wasn’t affecting his work, “the work they pay [him] to do”? And if they know his work, what difference does it make whether they know him? It sounds like you’re contradicting yourself here.

:dubious: