A SHORT HISTORY OF THE WORLD
THE FACTS AS WELL AS THEY CAN BE DETERMINED THROUGH THE MISTS OF TIME, AS RECALLED BY THE MOST LEARNED OF MEN, WHO IN GREAT DELIBERATION AND DEBATE CAME TO AGREE THAT THESE POINTS ARE THE FOUNDATION UPON WHICH ALL OF OUR SHARED HUMAN HISTORY CAN BE UNDERSTOOD
OCT 21 4004 B.C.E Earth Begins, looks much like today with fewer highways and the like
NOV 04 4004 B.C.E Fire is Invented
MAR 17 4003 B.C.E Animals are domesticated
MAR 18 4003 B.C.E Catbox is invented
NOV 21 3921 B.C.E Incest is outlawed(except in Egypt,Kentucky and Utah)
JAN 30 3570 B.C.E First guy claims to be King of the World, decrees that all will bow to him. His wife informs him that he is the King of jack and shit and that the King of the Bedroom and the father of “his children” is his lazy brother Earl and it is time for him to go “on a tour of his Kingdom”
JAN 31 3570 B.C.E First attempt to outlaw Women, met with much rejoicing and drinking, smartly rescinded before anyone made it home.
FEB 15 3570 B.C.E Second attempt to outlaw Women, met with much rejoicing and drinking, falls apart when no one is willing to tell the Women they have been outlawed
FEB 16 3570 B.C.E First King of the World dies tragically when he slips in the tub and onto his sword 11 times.
DEC 16 2791 B.C.E. The Wheel and grits are invented in modern day Wills Point,NC
JAN 2 2790 B.C.E. Skin pigment is discovered and its proliferation causes much social unrest, possession of pigment is made a capital offense
MAY 1 2134 B.C.E Wheel is invented in Tibet with tragic results
MAY 2 2134 B.C.E Wheel is invented in China, a revolution ensues
APR 19 1999 B.C.E Music is invented by Sayeed Hassan when he finds a guitar in the attic
AUG 11 1022 B.C.E Cloth robe replaces the loincloth, which was known from then on as a rag
JUL 28-30 74 B.C.E Homer places “Dinosaur Bones” around the earth in failed publicity campaign for “Illiad”
DEC 29 70 B.C.E All worshipers of anything are “sent to some old town in the desert to sort it out, come back when they were done and could tell us what it’s all about”
DEC 29 65 B.C.E Publication of “Scrolls from an old town in the desert” first bestseller in history with 11 copies sold, authorship lawsuits still continue
DEC 31 1 B.C.E Mammoths are wiped out in ritual designed to stop the “Naught”, by being eviscerated and used as shelter for children
Stay tuned for
“A SHORT HISTORY OF THE WORLD PART II”
Ca. 1 A.D. to 33 A.D. A child is born under unfortunate circumstances, in a bitter and divided world, he grows to manhood showing remarkable skills, he begins to teach about the Brotherhood/Sisterhood of mankind, tolerance and universal love, he gathers many followers and for this he is brutally murdered by the powers that be. His message is ignored and his words manipulated
Dec 26 34 A.D. Wills Point,NC Cheese is added to grits for the first time, and there was much rejoicing
117 A.D. Roman Empire is at its largest, but unequal tax policies and the burdens of a welfare state soon cause decline
April 3 119 A.D. Paris, Gaul First Beret is worn, within 6 months outdoor cafe’s and wine bars are the signature of Paris, the Franks promptly depart for Bavaria in disgust
325 A.D. Emperor Constantine(Palpatine?) Writes a book about a man whose message changed the world, he gets most of it wrong
I am collecting my notes and conferring with my colleagues and will continue as soon as possible. I will fill in missing dates and important events, more updates soon. Sorry for our unpreparedness on this matter of extreme importance, we didn’t think anyone had read the first back soon
