This rant is dedicated to all those who have ever been rude to a telemarketer purely for the reason that you don’t like our job. It applies to no-one else.
I’m a telemarketer. As such I feel that I should interject on behalf of telemarketers everywhere, against the torrent of insufferable abuse that they tend to get.
First of all, I just want to say three simple words, straight out.
WE DON’T CARE.
We don’t care that you’re inconvenienced. I’m inconvenienced by having to call you miserable ungracious bastards to pay my way in this world. The task of spending my day phoning dozens and dozens of numbers all day to persuade a bunch of people, 99% of whom regard you with a mix of distrust and suspicion unseen since the day OJ walked free, to buy shit they neither want nor care about inconveniences ME!! For this reason the fact that you have to waste a few precious seconds of your day telling me you’re not interested and the fact that this ticks you off a little, matters not one whit to me. WHY THE FUCKING HELL SHOULD I CARE??? I have to do this shit all the fucking time. Don’t pretend you’re doing anything other than jacking off over Jenny Jones anyway, just answer the goddam FUCKING phone, decline (or accept) politely and then forget about it.
A few days ago, I phoned up a customer to inquire as to whether the services we were already providing were satisfactory. I was then treated to a lecture by this miserable little ice bitch whore as to how I shouldn’t be wasting other peoples time. Well BOO FUCKING HOO!!! Did you have some urgent luncheon appointment you have to rush off to? Were you just getting ready to jet set off to the Champs Elisee to have a candlelit dinner with Richard Fucking Branson? Or perhaps you’re a bomb disposal expert who’s just been called out to save the city and every second counts? HELLO!! Earth to planet cunt!!! It may surprise you to learn that, in fact, you were doing none of these things. You were, judging by the length of the lecture, bored shitless in front of the TV pissing your twilight years down the drain, slowly storing up vitriol in your bitter, twisted soul until you could unleash it on the first innocent Joe to intrude upon your mindless, drug addled reverie. Am I insensitive? No. I am, on the whole, a nice guy. Am I insensitive to your needs? Yes. Do I honestly, in my heart of hearts, give a flying fuck in a thunderstorm about your needs? No. Again, I reiterate:
WE DON’T CARE
You stupid, snide, sneering, worthless, wretched, pucillanimous, pecker-headed sons of syphilitic Bangkok hookers, spare me your incessant, pathetic, childish whining, your worthless torrents of petty, pointless, verbiage, your sickeningly immature and inept diatribes, your perpetual protests of how we’re WASTING YOUR TIME. One more time, c’mon people you know the words
WE DON’T CARE
We, telemarketers everywhere, will continue to phone you up as long as we’re paid to do it. It is a fact of life. Accept it. Accept it like the changing of the tides and the rising of the sun. When I move on from telemarketing to greener pastures there will be ten more applicants ready and waiting to follow after me. There is nothing you can do. Lectures on how we ‘waste your time’ or verbal vituperations as to the parasitic attributes of telemarketers will do nothing more than mark you down for the selfish, arrogant cunts you are and ensure that we phone you twice tomorrow. In life there are few constants. Telemarketing, however, is one of them. Learn to live with it and for crying out loud just be polite. That’s all we ask. You think we’re “rude” to you? Well at least we’re only “rude” to you once a day. You and your ilk are far, far more rude, disagreeable, derogatory and disparaging to us, 10, 15, 20 times a day. WE have the shit end of the stick. For the love of all that is holy, grow the fuck up!