I’ve come to understand that when dealing with those in pain, you cannot “share” it or “feel” it. You can sympathize, you can empathize, you can love, you can help etc. but pain itself is private-You cannot understand the pain of others, because you do not actually feel it. You may think you can because you think you have felt the same pain in a similar situation, but the pain each individual feels is dependent on their own body and mind…and we cannot have access to that information.
I agree, and even if you have been in a situation so remarkably similar to the person you are trying to comfort, telling them ‘hey, me too’ is probably not all that comforting, as you’re kind of making about yourself.
No argument here. That sounds about right to me.
Agreed, but one can share the experience of pain, even if each person’s pain is unique. When I hear of someone’s pain, I generally can feel some of my own pain experiences myself.
And that sharing is what helps most people deal with their pain.
I am not so sure about that. When I am hurting and needing relief, I have never felt comfort and/or a lessening of pain when told about the pain of others, and when told about others feeling even greater pain it tends to annoy me. The pain of others does not comfort me-it distresses me.
Yeah. It’s not a competition. If you’re in pain. You don’t need someone saying “well that’s nothing, you should hear about…”
Do you think this question is any different from “How do we know you see the same color red I do?” If it is different, how so?
Or are you positing something special about pain? And by “pain” I think you’re talking about physical pain rather than emotional distress like bereavement or depression or …
There is no bright line separating the two.
Years and years ago, I went on a training course related to interpersonal counselling and listening and pretty much the biggest theme was: Just. Shut. Up. Don’t rush to offer advice. shut up. You probably don’t have an immediate solution. shut up. Don’t try to introduce your own anecdotes, regardless how relevant you think they are. If you’re trying to help a person in pain or distress, don’t make it about you.
I don’t think telling the person in pain about your pain is the point.
I think you can say things like, when (similar thing) happened to me, I felt so hopeless, and I needed to…(vent, work nonstop, meditate, etc.). Is there anything you feel like doing? Where the point is to name the emotion, and perhaps offer some help coping, or opening the person up to talking about it.
This may not work, or help, or be the right time, and there are lots of variations. Sometimes, for some people, it can feel good to know that someone else has been through it. If you’re including physical pain, then there could be real, practical, value in hearing what worked for others.
Other times, the best thing is just for anyone – same experience or not, to find a way to help the person in pain to feel like they aren’t alone. Just sitting with them saying nothing is fine.
With most physical pain, I want to know someone is there and willing to help me, but I don’t much want any physical comforting. I’ll try advice offered if it sounds ok to me.
I went through a long patch of serious psychological pain a bit over a year ago. What helped then was very different. I needed a lot of physical comforting. I was OK with being told about some people’s similar experiences, but I was annoyed by ones coming from people who didn’t know me well enough to know our experiences were actually more like completely opposite. I also had professional help from someone I knew very well. I wasl also going through it with someone whose experience was very very similar to mine. That, the professional help, and my partner’s support are what got me through so that I came out of it in better shape instead of worse.
Commiserating did help. But would not have been enough by itself, or all the time. False commiserating was definitely unhelpful.
Recently a person was wracked with emotional pain that I couldn’t share with her. I personally waited until she started hyperventilating before giving a suggestion “Oh dear, please take a breath honey.” She wouldn’t have found any other words useful.
And to show that everyone is different, even if I’m about to pass out, nothing infuriates me more than being told to breathe. My therapist can ask if I feel like taking a breath. No one else can mention it. 
That’s why I said sharing helps ‘most’ people deal with their pain. Or at least deal better with it than not sharing it (with an appropriate person). Fairly decent studies have confirmed this. You have found it doesn’t work in your case, but it’s worth it for people who haven’t done so to try it and see if it helps them.
Maybe, but not necessarily.
Being in pain can have a lonely, isolating effect: “I’m in pain, and nobody else understands what I’m going through.” If someone else can honestly say “I have some idea what you’re going through, because I have experienced something similar,” that can help you feel less isolated.
Not without saying how you were relieved of that pain. When I am in pain, I am already aware of how much pain I am in.
That’s not the point; the point is whether anybody else knows or cares how much pain you’re in.
That may not matter to you, but there are a lot of people to whom it does seem to matter.
Caring is very welcome, “knowing” just isn’t possible, and stating that you “know” how much pain someone is in is not helpful in my opinion.
You do understand that to empathize is to share and understand the feelings of someone else, right? That’s the basic definition of empathize. You can’t simultaneously argue that we empathize with others but can’t understand their pain. Either we can empathize or we cant.
How much, or what kind? One person may not know the exact quantity of pain that another is experiencing, but they may still have a pretty good idea as to the quality of pain.
Which is why I asked.
To me they are utterly unrelated phenomena even though both are distressing in their own way.
YMMV of course, and no criticism expressed or meant to be implied. It takes all kinds to make a planet.